(no subject)
How do I do this...I'm supposed to have all the answers and the "power to make choices and decisions" yet I feel so helpless. What did I do wrong to deserve this string of really bad luck? What test am I being put through? Hasn't it been enought? I don't like that I have to drop this class, I don't like that I didn't get that paper done, I don't like that even though I look for the positive in any situation and in any person and I treat people with the utmost respect and better than I should that I'm the one getting shat on! I'm not saying I haven't done anything bad, I certainly have, but bad enough to be bitch-slapped by karma, the universe and forces surrounding me? Someone must be sending really bad energy my way...I hope that changes. I've always tried to keep others' feelings in mind while making decisions and choices, but when I tried to do something to better my situation, I ended up hurting someone else and making their life miserable. I didn't mean for it to happen that way, I didn't mean for anyone to hate me, I didn't mean for their life to suck I JUST WANTED MY OWN LIFE BACK!
I feel trapped in a tangled web of seaweed,strangling my every attempt to scream and every opposition to the snare they have placed me in. They drag me down further into the depths of an endless well of murkiness; an invisible force tightens them around my throat ceasing my voice...I have no say in where they lead me...only to become numb and drown in the waters of fate. The dark water flows into my lungs filling me with a lifeforce not my own and takes over control. I die inside but remain alive to be commanded by something other than myself. The clouds of water close in on my mind as a haze of smoke from the drugs in front of me tempting me, craving my desire and obsession, but getting no pleasure of my company...does anything take pleasure from my company?
My body is pulled constantly in different directions by separate forces pulling me apart at the seams, spreading me thin over individual worlds, asking so much yet giving nothing in return. do they want me for their own purposes? I go through the motions but is the feeling behind it real? I'm afraid to feel for fear of pushing them away. That's what the feeling tells me to do...to run away...there's green grass on the other side...and a meadow to lie down in but you have to rid the world of your existence...that's the deal to move on...the rid your mind of all this stress.... It seems to say to me, its never ceasing attempt to convince me of the selfish means to a disaterous end. I know the truth, it wouldn't end there. The dread would follow my soul to the end of enlightenment. It would be doomed to live this hardship again and again as if in it's own hell.
Im allowed some pessimism every now and then, so that's what that is. Take it or leave it.
I feel trapped in a tangled web of seaweed,strangling my every attempt to scream and every opposition to the snare they have placed me in. They drag me down further into the depths of an endless well of murkiness; an invisible force tightens them around my throat ceasing my voice...I have no say in where they lead me...only to become numb and drown in the waters of fate. The dark water flows into my lungs filling me with a lifeforce not my own and takes over control. I die inside but remain alive to be commanded by something other than myself. The clouds of water close in on my mind as a haze of smoke from the drugs in front of me tempting me, craving my desire and obsession, but getting no pleasure of my company...does anything take pleasure from my company?
My body is pulled constantly in different directions by separate forces pulling me apart at the seams, spreading me thin over individual worlds, asking so much yet giving nothing in return. do they want me for their own purposes? I go through the motions but is the feeling behind it real? I'm afraid to feel for fear of pushing them away. That's what the feeling tells me to do...to run away...there's green grass on the other side...and a meadow to lie down in but you have to rid the world of your existence...that's the deal to move on...the rid your mind of all this stress.... It seems to say to me, its never ceasing attempt to convince me of the selfish means to a disaterous end. I know the truth, it wouldn't end there. The dread would follow my soul to the end of enlightenment. It would be doomed to live this hardship again and again as if in it's own hell.
Im allowed some pessimism every now and then, so that's what that is. Take it or leave it.