It's late...
and I can't sleep. Again. Why in the hell is this happening again? I don't understand it! No matter what I do during the day, no matter how tired I am at the end of the day, I can't sleep! I try, I really do. Usually music helps, which is why I have the one iPod set up for quiet, softer classical music, the one that usually calms me down enough to fall asleep, but that's not working. I lay down, I want to sit up. If I'm sitting up, I want to stand. If I stand, I want to move around. As soon as I start moving I get tired. I lay down and it starts over again. I don't think the kitchen needs to be cleaned again. I've already taken the plates out and scrubbed the shelves down. I pulled everything out of the fridge, except for the mysterious bottle of DOOM! and scrubbed that down too. Decided a mop wasn't good enough and scrubbed the floors with my hands. I don't think they've ever been this clean. If I can't fall asleep soon, I'm working on the bathroom.
Atobe mentioned taking a pill again. I don't want to. Yeah, it worked the last time, but...well...I don't know why I don't want to. And the doctor? I think he still believes that I fell. I could have kissed the doctor when he made that lie up for me. 20 stitches from falling, and there? Yeah, doesnt' really happen. If it did, I'd have them already. It's amazing what you can do to yourself when you just stop caring. The guy meant nothing. I wanted it rough, he gave it to me rough. I thought my life was over and I didnt' care that I woke up in a puddle of blood. I don't even really remember what happened. It's a good thing that doctor was good stitching me up. You can barely tell now. The scar is just low enough that underwear will cover it, and even if you're right up close to it, you can't tell. It only shows up when I'm really cold. I don't know why that is. I wasn't drinking though, that's what was funny. I guess I've just blocked it. Yuushi was gone, had been gone for over a year. I knew he wasn't coming back, or at least that's what I told myself. Hadn't heard from him, hadn't seen him, nothing. Convinced myself I was nothing to him. Graduation was over, he wanted to get away from his family. I told him to leave. Do I still think it was a mistake, yes and no. Yes because I never really gave us a chance. We never really talked about anything. We've done more talking lately about it though. That's good. I forgot how much I missed talking to him. and he is a good pillow still, especially now that he's putting on a bit of weight.
Would I change what happened? Some things yes. For the most part, no. If I changed it, Yuushi and I probably wouldnt' be friends still. If I had things happen differently, we would probably have ended up killing each other. He would have ended up sick of me and my moods. There are some things you can deal with as a friend, but they're different when it's your boyfriend. I wouldnt' sacrifice my friendship with him like that. He means too much. If I had changed things, I wouldn't have Kippei. I loved Yuushi, still do, but it's nothing like the way it is with Kippei. I just...I don't know how to describe it, if I'll ever be able to. Somehow, I know Yuushi feels the same way about Fuji. It's better for us this way. We can be near each other, comfortable with each other, and yet still go home to the people that we love more than life itself. Just the thought of Kippei walking through that door puts a smile on my face. I wish he wasn't so busy. I miss him. Maybe I can pick up some extra shifts at work. This way I'll be too busy to miss him. Though that's not true, because I'd still look over to the table he always sat at when he came in. Then I'd wish I could see him. I'd surprise him at work, but that might not go over well. We'll figure something out, I know we will. Shinji had a good idea when it came to stealing 'Sushi's clothes. I'll have to make sure to sneak this one into the laundry before Kippei notices it's gone. It's funny, it's so big on me. Maybe I can do laundry tonight too. I wonder if anyone else has stuff they need washed. I feel like a house elf. And I had better not say that around Hiyo because he'll start calling me that. Knowing him, he'll call me Kreacher.
Damn, August has already started. Things are different, always different at the end of August. I know it was last year. Why did I think it would be any different this year.
Atobe mentioned taking a pill again. I don't want to. Yeah, it worked the last time, but...well...I don't know why I don't want to. And the doctor? I think he still believes that I fell. I could have kissed the doctor when he made that lie up for me. 20 stitches from falling, and there? Yeah, doesnt' really happen. If it did, I'd have them already. It's amazing what you can do to yourself when you just stop caring. The guy meant nothing. I wanted it rough, he gave it to me rough. I thought my life was over and I didnt' care that I woke up in a puddle of blood. I don't even really remember what happened. It's a good thing that doctor was good stitching me up. You can barely tell now. The scar is just low enough that underwear will cover it, and even if you're right up close to it, you can't tell. It only shows up when I'm really cold. I don't know why that is. I wasn't drinking though, that's what was funny. I guess I've just blocked it. Yuushi was gone, had been gone for over a year. I knew he wasn't coming back, or at least that's what I told myself. Hadn't heard from him, hadn't seen him, nothing. Convinced myself I was nothing to him. Graduation was over, he wanted to get away from his family. I told him to leave. Do I still think it was a mistake, yes and no. Yes because I never really gave us a chance. We never really talked about anything. We've done more talking lately about it though. That's good. I forgot how much I missed talking to him. and he is a good pillow still, especially now that he's putting on a bit of weight.
Would I change what happened? Some things yes. For the most part, no. If I changed it, Yuushi and I probably wouldnt' be friends still. If I had things happen differently, we would probably have ended up killing each other. He would have ended up sick of me and my moods. There are some things you can deal with as a friend, but they're different when it's your boyfriend. I wouldnt' sacrifice my friendship with him like that. He means too much. If I had changed things, I wouldn't have Kippei. I loved Yuushi, still do, but it's nothing like the way it is with Kippei. I just...I don't know how to describe it, if I'll ever be able to. Somehow, I know Yuushi feels the same way about Fuji. It's better for us this way. We can be near each other, comfortable with each other, and yet still go home to the people that we love more than life itself. Just the thought of Kippei walking through that door puts a smile on my face. I wish he wasn't so busy. I miss him. Maybe I can pick up some extra shifts at work. This way I'll be too busy to miss him. Though that's not true, because I'd still look over to the table he always sat at when he came in. Then I'd wish I could see him. I'd surprise him at work, but that might not go over well. We'll figure something out, I know we will. Shinji had a good idea when it came to stealing 'Sushi's clothes. I'll have to make sure to sneak this one into the laundry before Kippei notices it's gone. It's funny, it's so big on me. Maybe I can do laundry tonight too. I wonder if anyone else has stuff they need washed. I feel like a house elf. And I had better not say that around Hiyo because he'll start calling me that. Knowing him, he'll call me Kreacher.
Damn, August has already started. Things are different, always different at the end of August. I know it was last year. Why did I think it would be any different this year.