another weekend
not such a bad weekend this weekend. i ended up getting my couch, finally, so now i have some furniture and a better place to sleep. that's nice.
honestly, i'm at a pretty heavy stand-still. i just don't care about much of anything. nothing makes sense - like i've said a million times before - and i just feel empty. she was everything to me. waking up with her everyday was so good and a constant source of reasons to live. SHE wasn't the reason, but watching her, talking to her, listening to her always showed me that there were a lot of reasons to live. there was always hope for the future, hope for change, hope for joy.
but now... now... now i lay in my bed at night and look around my apartment, and i feel nothing. i don't care about anything here. if i lost everything, it would be a an annoyance, nothing more. an optimist would see this a great lesson about the important things in life and would find a new joy for those things. i, however, have never been much of an optimist. i have learned what's important, but can't get away from the fact that all of that has been taken away from me.
there's work - and things are going pretty well there right now - but i don't care about work. i'm reluctant to go to work in the morning because the responsibility i have there is also an annoyance. i don't find much thrill or enjoyment there, only obligation. i bother because people are watching me. the same as my personal continuance. people are watching.
i feel like i should be coldly honest about what i'm feeling, but i'm afraid that if i am, people would be horrified. the depths of my despair are so deep and dark, i'm afraid anyone i told would be so put off, they would avoid me... or possibly become overly attentive. who knows? it's such passionate, vehement despair and depression that i'm often uncomfortable in its company.
all of this is a constant, waking nightmare.
honestly, i'm at a pretty heavy stand-still. i just don't care about much of anything. nothing makes sense - like i've said a million times before - and i just feel empty. she was everything to me. waking up with her everyday was so good and a constant source of reasons to live. SHE wasn't the reason, but watching her, talking to her, listening to her always showed me that there were a lot of reasons to live. there was always hope for the future, hope for change, hope for joy.
but now... now... now i lay in my bed at night and look around my apartment, and i feel nothing. i don't care about anything here. if i lost everything, it would be a an annoyance, nothing more. an optimist would see this a great lesson about the important things in life and would find a new joy for those things. i, however, have never been much of an optimist. i have learned what's important, but can't get away from the fact that all of that has been taken away from me.
there's work - and things are going pretty well there right now - but i don't care about work. i'm reluctant to go to work in the morning because the responsibility i have there is also an annoyance. i don't find much thrill or enjoyment there, only obligation. i bother because people are watching me. the same as my personal continuance. people are watching.
i feel like i should be coldly honest about what i'm feeling, but i'm afraid that if i am, people would be horrified. the depths of my despair are so deep and dark, i'm afraid anyone i told would be so put off, they would avoid me... or possibly become overly attentive. who knows? it's such passionate, vehement despair and depression that i'm often uncomfortable in its company.
all of this is a constant, waking nightmare.