this is how this works
things seem to be going along fine, then - Slap! - it hits me in the face. the absence of her rings in my heart. echoes around the empty hole in my chest. everything aches and i have trouble breathing. I MISS HER SO MUCH RIGHT NOW.
i don't mean to suggest that everything was going well before this, but the day had been relatively quiet up to now. and there was nothing in particular that set this off, it was just that i thought of her in a moment when nothing was going on. but it's the quiet nothing times when i miss her the most. maybe that's why everyone keeps telling me to keep busy. is that the way to go about this, though? don't i need to feel it to deal with it? how do i deal with it if i'm not thinking about it?
i've never been a particularly social person. i've never been comfortable walking into a room of people and striking up a conversation or having people over to hang out. this being the case, it's not like i have a book full of acquaintances to call up to keep me company and to distract me from the despondence of it all. going out is difficult without a friend to go with me. i'm going to have to do it as some point, i suppose, but why? to distract me? if it does distract me, what happens on the nights i don't want to go out? out, i feel like i'm faking it anyway, so is that the right way to feel? to fake it?
shit, i have no idea about how to deal with this, i just know how the feelings work while it's happening. and right now, it's really happening.
a friend of mine said to me the other night, "i wish you weren't taking this so hard." at first, i felt she was invalidating my feelings, but now i've realized that wasn't it at all. she is acknowledging the fact that this is happening. that SHE is leaving me for good, and not coming back, and because of this fact, my friend wishes that i wasn't so hurt by it all. that i could shake it off easily because there is no changing what is happening to me. if only i could take it easier. a part of me wishes i could shake it off, but... i've yet to find a way to get to that place.
i don't mean to suggest that everything was going well before this, but the day had been relatively quiet up to now. and there was nothing in particular that set this off, it was just that i thought of her in a moment when nothing was going on. but it's the quiet nothing times when i miss her the most. maybe that's why everyone keeps telling me to keep busy. is that the way to go about this, though? don't i need to feel it to deal with it? how do i deal with it if i'm not thinking about it?
i've never been a particularly social person. i've never been comfortable walking into a room of people and striking up a conversation or having people over to hang out. this being the case, it's not like i have a book full of acquaintances to call up to keep me company and to distract me from the despondence of it all. going out is difficult without a friend to go with me. i'm going to have to do it as some point, i suppose, but why? to distract me? if it does distract me, what happens on the nights i don't want to go out? out, i feel like i'm faking it anyway, so is that the right way to feel? to fake it?
shit, i have no idea about how to deal with this, i just know how the feelings work while it's happening. and right now, it's really happening.
a friend of mine said to me the other night, "i wish you weren't taking this so hard." at first, i felt she was invalidating my feelings, but now i've realized that wasn't it at all. she is acknowledging the fact that this is happening. that SHE is leaving me for good, and not coming back, and because of this fact, my friend wishes that i wasn't so hurt by it all. that i could shake it off easily because there is no changing what is happening to me. if only i could take it easier. a part of me wishes i could shake it off, but... i've yet to find a way to get to that place.