Fic: Loose Ends
Title: Loose Ends
Author: G
Characters: Luke/Noah, Emma, Lily, Faith, Natalie, Ethan, Holden, mention of Damian
Rating: PG
Genre: Romance, tiny bit of angst
Disclaimer: I own nothing of As the World Turns. No profit.
Summary: Noah receives a belated but meaningful Christmas present from Luke.
Author's Notes: So, technically, Damian should have been in this story, too, but...he just didn't fit in. :-P Hope that's okay, since this is a bit of an AU anyway, especially towards the end. I hope you enjoy! :-)
Luke stepped out of his mother's kitchen and encountered the ruckus that usually accompanied any number of assembled Snyder relatives. The chaos was expected and welcomed, especially during the holidays, and Luke felt his spirits lift with only two steps into the room. Maybe tonight wouldn’t turn out to be a bust after all, he hoped.
Lily was kneeling in front of Ethan, her hand around his tiny one, which was clutching a small coffee mug. She sniffed the contents quickly, then said with a puzzled expression, "Ethan, sweetie, where did you get this?"
Just then, the front door opened for the fourth successive time, and Emma stepped through, her arms dangling with oversized bags full of presents, which were stacked neatly but still poking out of the top of their plastic holders. With one glance, Luke could tell the gifts had been expertly wrapped by Emma’s deft hands, the colorful paper covers shining in the light, the matching bows glistening. Luke moved immediately to help her, but Faith excitedly cut him off and started exclaiming over the gifts, causing Emma to not only break out into a smile, but also stumble as she stopped short in order not to barrel Faith over.
"It was on the coffee table," Luke heard Ethan answer Lily. He sounded as though he was wondering why his mother was questioning him.
"You can't drink this, sweetie," Lily said sadly to him. She pulled the cup gently away from Ethan, and he immediately burst into tears.
Luke made his way to the door and managed to grab a bag from Emma, the columns of gifts shifting lopsidedly inside the plastic as he made his way to the tree. Faith helped Emma further into the room with a steadying hand. As soon as she and Emma had placed the other gift bags by the tree and Faith had been set to the task of sorting the presents out and placing them accordingly under the long branches, Emma turned to Ethan and asked brightly, "How about a nice hot cup of cider, my darling? I brought some especially for you!"
Ethan's cries dwindled down as he followed Emma into the kitchen for his replacement drink. Lily turned to Luke and handed him the offending coffee mug. "Dump this, Luke. I've got to make sure Natalie is okay. I let her do her own hair tonight, and she's been working on it for a while." Lily departed with a knowing smile.
Luke nodded at his mother, then slipped into the kitchen as Ethan and Emma were walking back out to the living room. Ethan's face was dry and a big smile was stretched across it as he held onto his new mug of cider with both hands, and Faith quickly beckoned him over towards the tree with an excited wave, so they could admire the pile of presents beneath. Ethan happily complied with her wishes.
In the kitchen, Luke peered into the coffee mug, down into the swirling white liquid that reached halfway up the glass. Eggnog, from the container in the fridge. Curious that his mom wouldn't let Ethan have it tonight, considering that she bought it every Christmas and all the kids loved it. Luke sniffed the mug himself then, and the answer to his question was revealed. The cup had been spiked with a healthy amount of rum, likely an addition that Lily had snuck into the cup before the night’s craziness had begun.
Luke dumped the eggnog and placed the cup in the sink with a smile on his face. No amount of alcohol could diminish the pandemonium that ensued whenever his family gathered in times like these. Luke was rather used to it, and that was a warm comforting feeling that kept the smile on his face as he returned to the living room.
Emma had settled on the couch next to Lily, who was helping Natalie put the finishing touches on her outfit. Natalie had insisted on wearing a holiday dress, complete with ribbons in her hair, for the first Snyder Christmas Eve held at Lily's house. Since the divorce between Lily and Holden had been finalized just recently, Lily had decided that this year's Christmas Eve would be held at her house, just the small group of them opening presents and spending time together. Holden was due to arrive a little later in the evening, swapping positions with Emma, who had an entire farm full of older guests to attend to after the kids had opened their gifts.
"Let's get this show on the road!" Lily announced then, her smile lighting up her face. After presents, she had arranged for a magnificent dessert for the kids, and she was looking forward to their smiling faces as they dug into their slices of cake and pie, fresh from the Lakeview bakery. Luke knew she wanted to see them as they sat around the table together, still enthralled with all the new gifts they'd just received.
Faith, who stood at the ready next to the tree, looked carefully towards Luke. "What about Noah?" she asked him softly.
Luke slid his hands into his pockets, his grin dropping instantly from his face. "I'm on present-collecting duty tonight," he said, his eyes hitting the floor. His coming excuse felt lame before it had even left his mouth, and Luke knew it wouldn’t sound any better. Still, "We're going to wait to open them together." Please let us be able to open them together.
Faith, dear sister that she was, didn't press the subject. She merely turned back to the tree with a nod and started grabbing for the nearest gifts.
Luke sat down on the floor next to the arm of the couch, on the farthest end from the tree. His earlier attempt to get Noah to join the festivities had been met with curt answers and long silences. Noah hadn't been especially mean or angry. Instead he’d sounded depressed, as Luke had suspected he might when he returned from his first month at rehab. Luke was sure that Noah had grown more accustomed to being around other people despite his lack of sight, but tonight Noah had insisted, like he had on Thanksgiving, that he wanted to stay up in his room alone, and that Luke should go enjoy the party with his family without him. Luke had respected Noah's wishes, and even sort of half-understood them given Noah’s situation, but it didn't make it any easier. In fact, the coldness settled in over Luke as he sat on the carpet, rippling down from his shoulder blades as he watched his little sister's face positively glow with joy as she handed out the first round of presents.
He was barely paying attention to the unwrapping commotion, still too busy with the spidery cold that was now crawling down his lower back, when Faith stopped by his knee and stooped low, holding out a flat present that was wrapped in glittering gold paper. "To Luke and Noah, from Santa," she whispered with a gleeful glint in her eye. She grinned at Luke and then stepped away to return to the tree.
Luke gazed at the gift in his lap for a long while. He and Noah had been together for over two years now. They had lived together. Shared a bed. Shared dinners and coffee. They had spent nights curled on the couch together, holdings hands, holding one another, talking about everything and anything. Laughing about silly lessons learned and letting the harder lessons roll off their backs together. They were a real couple. Legitimate.
And now his family had recognized their legitimacy as well. They were so real that they now had "To Luke and Noah" tags on their presents. Not two separate gifts for each, like past years. Just one present now. Luke and Noah.
It suddenly felt colder in Luke's corner, where he sat on the carpet and allowed the gifts to pile up in his lap. Too soon he was up to his chest in “To Luke and Noah”, and it was hard for him to breathe.
*
Noah lay on his left side in bed. It was dark and quiet in his room.
The door was ajar, and he could hear the voices floating up from downstairs: Ethan’s happy laughs, Faith’s enraptured squeals, Lily’s exclamations over Natalie’s new pair of mittens. Emma’s chuckles mixed easily into the chorus, her jolly demeanor absolutely unsinkable in the presence of her grandchildren.
Noah shifted on the bed. His feet were cold. He was wearing a new pair of thick socks, but they lacked heat just the same, and he knew exactly why. Luke was not here to share his warmth with him as he had done so many times before, as he had touched his heat to Noah’s extremities with the lightest and most graceful glances without so much as a verbal request from him.
Noah rubbed his feet together, hoping the friction would help steer the chill away, but he gave up after only a moment. His feet weren’t the only things that were cold.
His body was cold. His spirit was cold. His room was freezing without the sunny disposition that Luke always brought to him.
Noah listened diligently to the happy chatter for a few minutes more. Luke’s laugh did not ring out once. Not even a hint of it drifted into the family conversation downstairs. Noah knew the sound of Luke’s laugh so well that its absence was deafening to him.
Just the thought of spending Christmas without Luke was painful enough. But living it, right now? Definitely much worse.
Noah got up from the bed, and with his cane, started for the door. It was directly across from the stairs that led down to one of the warmest places he had ever been in his entire life.
*
"Luke, sweetie, what's wrong?"
Luke turned from where he was standing in front of the tree, staring. He smiled at Lily as she stepped from the kitchen doorway over to him. "Nothing, Mom. I'm okay,” he reassured, hoping he sounded believable. His eyes wandered back to the small pile of presents waiting under the tree. The “To Luke and Noah” pile.
Lily put her hands on his upper arms, rubbing them comfortingly, waiting till Luke brought his eyes back to hers to speak. "He'll come around," she said confidently, offering Luke a small smile. "It's a big holiday. He just needs time."
Luke bit his lip and shook his head, feeling his chest constrict. "I don't think he wants to be here, Mom."
Lily squeezed his biceps as Luke blew out a breath and looked away from her. "Oh, honey, I don't believe that."
Luke shook his head stubbornly. "I do. He doesn't want to be here, and he doesn't want to be with me anymore."
"Sweetie--"
"I think I'm going to get some air, okay?" Luke gestured over his shoulder to the front door behind him.
"Okay," Lily replied, a crease of worry in her brow. "Your dad should be here soon. He said he would make it in time for dessert."
Luke nodded as he turned and grabbed his coat. "I'll have some pie when I come back in, I promise."
Lily ran a gentle hand through his hair. "Okay." She smiled at her son as he pulled his coat on and made for the front door.
Luke stepped out into the crisp December air. There was a small breeze sweeping past the porch, and it felt good against the heat of his face. Luke took a few steadying breaths to calm his nerves and slipped his hands into his coat pockets, watching the clouds of breath materialize and disappear in front of his face. The dim light fixed by the door cast dull shadows over his form, and he thought about Noah. Thought about how maybe it would have been better if Noah had spent the holidays at the rehabilitation center.
Luke let some of the images of Noah - cooped up in his room at the rehab center, lying dejectedly across his bed with no one to keep him company - pass through his mind before he decided that, if their roles had been reversed, being left at the rehab center for Christmas - even if he hated Noah at the time - would be the single most awful experience of his life. There's no way Luke could have left Noah there to rot while his family was exchanging gifts and stuffing their faces with pie.
What he didn't know, however, was that Noah had made it down to the living room just in time to overhear Luke’s conversation with Lily right before he'd escaped to the porch. And how the sad sincerity in Luke’s tone had shamed him; made Noah internally scold himself for not being truthful in his actions towards Luke.
Just then, a dark shadow passed over the steps leading up to the porch, and Holden's familiar frame appeared in front of Luke.
He lit up instantly. "Dad!"
"Hey, Luke," Holden greeted him with a smile.
"You made it for dessert."
"That I did." Holden grinned harder. "How are the girls?"
Luke gestured happily over his shoulder at the front door. "See for yourself," he said, grinning back at his dad. "They've been waiting for you."
The door behind them opened then, momentarily catching Holden’s attention, but Luke didn’t turn around to look with him. Holden switched his gaze back to Luke and clapped his shoulder with one hand. "See ya back in there," he said, then slipped past Luke towards the door. He greeted the figure in the doorway as he passed, a simple spoken word delivered with a genuine smile. "Noah."
Luke froze. The door shut quietly behind Holden, and suddenly the two of them were alone on the porch together.
Noah moved forward, his cane as his guide, but before he could say anything, the familiar chirp of Luke's cell phone sang out from Luke's right pocket, and he reached in to answer it. Noah stood behind him, listening to his half of the conversation.
"Oh, Casey, hey...yeah, we're doing dessert now, no worries." Luke paused for a second, listening. "Oh, yeah, about that...I'm not sure what we're...what I'm doing this year. You guys are still going to Metro, right? Yeah..." Luke paused again. Noah could hear Casey's tinny voice over the phone, but he couldn't make out any words. "Yeah, I'll definitely let you know what we're...what I'm doing. Yup. Later, Case." The phone clicked off.
Silence reigned. The breeze shuffled past Luke, masking the sound of Noah's cane tapping lightly against the wood of the porch. Noah then appeared by Luke's side.
Luke didn't look at him at first. Not until Noah had stepped directly in front of Luke. Not that he knew Luke was looking at him anyway.
Finally, Noah spoke, as softly and as gently as he should have when Luke had first come to his room that night. "I'm sorry."
He heard Luke take a ragged breath. No doubt his boyfriend was preparing to steel himself for the words he thought were going to come out of Noah’s mouth next.
"I didn't mean to make you feel bad,” Noah continued. Luke shifted, and Noah could hear the questions popping up on Luke's tongue, but he beat him to the punch. "I want to be here," Noah said slowly, delicately. "And I want to be with you."
Luke's voice came out sounding strangled and small. "Are you sure?"
"Yes." Noah stepped closer to Luke's voice. He could feel the heat from Luke's body now.
Luke puffed out a breath. "I thought you were going to break up with me," he forced out. Noah heard the scuffling of Luke's shoes against the wood below their feet.
"Why would I want to do that?" Noah whispered, leaning closer to Luke. "I love you." He pressed a small kiss to Luke's forehead, his skin hot against Noah's mouth.
Luke grinned up at his boyfriend, instantly relieved. He didn’t think about the words first, just said them as they came to him. "Same here," he whispered back, and pulled Noah gratefully into a hug.
Noah smiled into his shoulder and held Luke for a long while. Then he said, "How about them presents now?"
Luke pulled back and laughed. "And dessert!" he exclaimed with a grin.
* * *
[Two months later.]
Luke walked quietly into the kitchen and peered at his boyfriend, who was sitting at the table by himself, arms folded over the tabletop, staring at nothing. Luke leaned against the doorframe and observed him for a moment, then stepped into the kitchen and asked, "Do you want some tea?"
Noah turned immediately at his voice and smiled brightly up at his boyfriend. "Sure."
Luke moved to the stove and put the kettle on, then settled into the chair opposite Noah. They sat in silence, the only sound between them the rustling of Noah's sleeve as the flannel brushed against the wood of the table. He gripped Luke’s hand tightly and they sifted their fingers back and forth in an easy rhythm till the kettle began to whistle impatiently.
How far away it seemed to Luke. How long ago that Noah hadn’t been able to see him; that Noah had been cut off from him, and the world. Things were so different now, what with Noah’s baby blues restored to full health. And, more importantly, they had been assigned back to active duty as well.
Luke readied the tea quickly and placed Noah's cup down in front of him. "I have something for you," he said, blowing the steam from his mug.
Noah looked up in interest. "You do?"
Luke nodded. "Yeah. Wanna see?"
Noah nodded back, and Luke set his cup hastily down on the table. He ran from the kitchen, up the stairs, down the hall to his bedroom, opened his nightstand drawer, pulled the flat object out, and then raced back to the kitchen. Noah was still waiting calmly for him at the table, sipping his tea.
"Here." Luke offered Noah the item in his hands.
Noah stared at it for a minute. "Isn't this the photo album we got for Christmas?" he asked, a hint of confusion in his tone. He could still remember Luke’s fingers guiding his own through the flaps of wrapping paper, smoothing his hands over the leather of the book.
Luke nodded. "Yup." He gestured with his chin. "Open it."
Noah did as suggested. The last time he had seen the inside of the album, it had been blank. Now it was full.
Pictures were placed carefully down the pages in neat rows, with enough room to allow hand-written captions underneath. The first page was full of images from the most recent Christmas. Natalie and Lily posing on the couch, Lily's arm around Natalie, who was all gussied up in a dress complete with ribbons in her hair. Then there was Ethan in front of the tree, grinning hugely, with tinsel sprinkled on his head. Underneath, the caption read, "It falled on me," in Ethan's shaky handwriting. Underneath that photo was one of the Snyders at the kitchen table, Holden included, everyone laughing into their plates full of pie.
Noah flipped to the next page. New Year's, which they had spent with Casey and Alison and everyone who had decided to show at Metro that night. The bar had been decorated to the nines. Everyone was smiling and looking snazzy in their dressy New Year’s outfits. There were self-portraits taken by the crowd that inhabited the dance floor, and there were photos taken by Luke, Casey, and Ali. Some were funny group shots - a handful of people Luke’s parents’ age doing the Funky Chicken - and others were serious couple-shots, like Casey and Ali snuggling together at their table. Despite the dim of the room, each photo sparkled with the Christmas lights strung up in the background and the grins pasted to the patrons’ faces.
The next page was of Damian and Lily's vow renewal ceremony. Luke and Ethan smiled together in one photo. Lily and Damian offered each other pieces of cake in another. Ethan was captured patting his cheeks down with cake-covered fingers, while Lily’s face crinkled in joyful exasperation behind him.
Noah flipped quickly through the rest of the pages, not to get the viewing over and done with, but to absorb how much effort Luke had put into this gift. Every page after was stuffed with photos that encompassed the time between Christmas and now. Noah looked up at his blonde boyfriend in shock. "You did this, Luke?"
Luke nodded shyly from where he stood by Noah's side, looking over his shoulder at the contents of the album. "I thought that, you know...one day you'd like to see them. I mean, see what you missed when..."
"When I was blind," Noah finished. He stared at the pages of the album for a minute, then looked back up at Luke. "You never gave up hope, did you?" he asked in wonderment.
Luke shook his head. "Not once. And I thought, also, since today is your last session with your counselor, that you could take this with you."
Noah's brow furrowed in curiosity.
"You know...to tie up some loose ends. I thought maybe this would help put a cap on your whole experience. If you want to talk about it with her."
Noah reached to pull Luke to his side, hugging him tightly to him. Luke bent and kissed Noah's hair, then slid his fingers into the dark locks.
"Thank you," Noah said into Luke's shirt.
Luke squeezed him in return. "You’re welcome."
Author: G
Characters: Luke/Noah, Emma, Lily, Faith, Natalie, Ethan, Holden, mention of Damian
Rating: PG
Genre: Romance, tiny bit of angst
Disclaimer: I own nothing of As the World Turns. No profit.
Summary: Noah receives a belated but meaningful Christmas present from Luke.
Author's Notes: So, technically, Damian should have been in this story, too, but...he just didn't fit in. :-P Hope that's okay, since this is a bit of an AU anyway, especially towards the end. I hope you enjoy! :-)
Luke stepped out of his mother's kitchen and encountered the ruckus that usually accompanied any number of assembled Snyder relatives. The chaos was expected and welcomed, especially during the holidays, and Luke felt his spirits lift with only two steps into the room. Maybe tonight wouldn’t turn out to be a bust after all, he hoped.
Lily was kneeling in front of Ethan, her hand around his tiny one, which was clutching a small coffee mug. She sniffed the contents quickly, then said with a puzzled expression, "Ethan, sweetie, where did you get this?"
Just then, the front door opened for the fourth successive time, and Emma stepped through, her arms dangling with oversized bags full of presents, which were stacked neatly but still poking out of the top of their plastic holders. With one glance, Luke could tell the gifts had been expertly wrapped by Emma’s deft hands, the colorful paper covers shining in the light, the matching bows glistening. Luke moved immediately to help her, but Faith excitedly cut him off and started exclaiming over the gifts, causing Emma to not only break out into a smile, but also stumble as she stopped short in order not to barrel Faith over.
"It was on the coffee table," Luke heard Ethan answer Lily. He sounded as though he was wondering why his mother was questioning him.
"You can't drink this, sweetie," Lily said sadly to him. She pulled the cup gently away from Ethan, and he immediately burst into tears.
Luke made his way to the door and managed to grab a bag from Emma, the columns of gifts shifting lopsidedly inside the plastic as he made his way to the tree. Faith helped Emma further into the room with a steadying hand. As soon as she and Emma had placed the other gift bags by the tree and Faith had been set to the task of sorting the presents out and placing them accordingly under the long branches, Emma turned to Ethan and asked brightly, "How about a nice hot cup of cider, my darling? I brought some especially for you!"
Ethan's cries dwindled down as he followed Emma into the kitchen for his replacement drink. Lily turned to Luke and handed him the offending coffee mug. "Dump this, Luke. I've got to make sure Natalie is okay. I let her do her own hair tonight, and she's been working on it for a while." Lily departed with a knowing smile.
Luke nodded at his mother, then slipped into the kitchen as Ethan and Emma were walking back out to the living room. Ethan's face was dry and a big smile was stretched across it as he held onto his new mug of cider with both hands, and Faith quickly beckoned him over towards the tree with an excited wave, so they could admire the pile of presents beneath. Ethan happily complied with her wishes.
In the kitchen, Luke peered into the coffee mug, down into the swirling white liquid that reached halfway up the glass. Eggnog, from the container in the fridge. Curious that his mom wouldn't let Ethan have it tonight, considering that she bought it every Christmas and all the kids loved it. Luke sniffed the mug himself then, and the answer to his question was revealed. The cup had been spiked with a healthy amount of rum, likely an addition that Lily had snuck into the cup before the night’s craziness had begun.
Luke dumped the eggnog and placed the cup in the sink with a smile on his face. No amount of alcohol could diminish the pandemonium that ensued whenever his family gathered in times like these. Luke was rather used to it, and that was a warm comforting feeling that kept the smile on his face as he returned to the living room.
Emma had settled on the couch next to Lily, who was helping Natalie put the finishing touches on her outfit. Natalie had insisted on wearing a holiday dress, complete with ribbons in her hair, for the first Snyder Christmas Eve held at Lily's house. Since the divorce between Lily and Holden had been finalized just recently, Lily had decided that this year's Christmas Eve would be held at her house, just the small group of them opening presents and spending time together. Holden was due to arrive a little later in the evening, swapping positions with Emma, who had an entire farm full of older guests to attend to after the kids had opened their gifts.
"Let's get this show on the road!" Lily announced then, her smile lighting up her face. After presents, she had arranged for a magnificent dessert for the kids, and she was looking forward to their smiling faces as they dug into their slices of cake and pie, fresh from the Lakeview bakery. Luke knew she wanted to see them as they sat around the table together, still enthralled with all the new gifts they'd just received.
Faith, who stood at the ready next to the tree, looked carefully towards Luke. "What about Noah?" she asked him softly.
Luke slid his hands into his pockets, his grin dropping instantly from his face. "I'm on present-collecting duty tonight," he said, his eyes hitting the floor. His coming excuse felt lame before it had even left his mouth, and Luke knew it wouldn’t sound any better. Still, "We're going to wait to open them together." Please let us be able to open them together.
Faith, dear sister that she was, didn't press the subject. She merely turned back to the tree with a nod and started grabbing for the nearest gifts.
Luke sat down on the floor next to the arm of the couch, on the farthest end from the tree. His earlier attempt to get Noah to join the festivities had been met with curt answers and long silences. Noah hadn't been especially mean or angry. Instead he’d sounded depressed, as Luke had suspected he might when he returned from his first month at rehab. Luke was sure that Noah had grown more accustomed to being around other people despite his lack of sight, but tonight Noah had insisted, like he had on Thanksgiving, that he wanted to stay up in his room alone, and that Luke should go enjoy the party with his family without him. Luke had respected Noah's wishes, and even sort of half-understood them given Noah’s situation, but it didn't make it any easier. In fact, the coldness settled in over Luke as he sat on the carpet, rippling down from his shoulder blades as he watched his little sister's face positively glow with joy as she handed out the first round of presents.
He was barely paying attention to the unwrapping commotion, still too busy with the spidery cold that was now crawling down his lower back, when Faith stopped by his knee and stooped low, holding out a flat present that was wrapped in glittering gold paper. "To Luke and Noah, from Santa," she whispered with a gleeful glint in her eye. She grinned at Luke and then stepped away to return to the tree.
Luke gazed at the gift in his lap for a long while. He and Noah had been together for over two years now. They had lived together. Shared a bed. Shared dinners and coffee. They had spent nights curled on the couch together, holdings hands, holding one another, talking about everything and anything. Laughing about silly lessons learned and letting the harder lessons roll off their backs together. They were a real couple. Legitimate.
And now his family had recognized their legitimacy as well. They were so real that they now had "To Luke and Noah" tags on their presents. Not two separate gifts for each, like past years. Just one present now. Luke and Noah.
It suddenly felt colder in Luke's corner, where he sat on the carpet and allowed the gifts to pile up in his lap. Too soon he was up to his chest in “To Luke and Noah”, and it was hard for him to breathe.
*
Noah lay on his left side in bed. It was dark and quiet in his room.
The door was ajar, and he could hear the voices floating up from downstairs: Ethan’s happy laughs, Faith’s enraptured squeals, Lily’s exclamations over Natalie’s new pair of mittens. Emma’s chuckles mixed easily into the chorus, her jolly demeanor absolutely unsinkable in the presence of her grandchildren.
Noah shifted on the bed. His feet were cold. He was wearing a new pair of thick socks, but they lacked heat just the same, and he knew exactly why. Luke was not here to share his warmth with him as he had done so many times before, as he had touched his heat to Noah’s extremities with the lightest and most graceful glances without so much as a verbal request from him.
Noah rubbed his feet together, hoping the friction would help steer the chill away, but he gave up after only a moment. His feet weren’t the only things that were cold.
His body was cold. His spirit was cold. His room was freezing without the sunny disposition that Luke always brought to him.
Noah listened diligently to the happy chatter for a few minutes more. Luke’s laugh did not ring out once. Not even a hint of it drifted into the family conversation downstairs. Noah knew the sound of Luke’s laugh so well that its absence was deafening to him.
Just the thought of spending Christmas without Luke was painful enough. But living it, right now? Definitely much worse.
Noah got up from the bed, and with his cane, started for the door. It was directly across from the stairs that led down to one of the warmest places he had ever been in his entire life.
*
"Luke, sweetie, what's wrong?"
Luke turned from where he was standing in front of the tree, staring. He smiled at Lily as she stepped from the kitchen doorway over to him. "Nothing, Mom. I'm okay,” he reassured, hoping he sounded believable. His eyes wandered back to the small pile of presents waiting under the tree. The “To Luke and Noah” pile.
Lily put her hands on his upper arms, rubbing them comfortingly, waiting till Luke brought his eyes back to hers to speak. "He'll come around," she said confidently, offering Luke a small smile. "It's a big holiday. He just needs time."
Luke bit his lip and shook his head, feeling his chest constrict. "I don't think he wants to be here, Mom."
Lily squeezed his biceps as Luke blew out a breath and looked away from her. "Oh, honey, I don't believe that."
Luke shook his head stubbornly. "I do. He doesn't want to be here, and he doesn't want to be with me anymore."
"Sweetie--"
"I think I'm going to get some air, okay?" Luke gestured over his shoulder to the front door behind him.
"Okay," Lily replied, a crease of worry in her brow. "Your dad should be here soon. He said he would make it in time for dessert."
Luke nodded as he turned and grabbed his coat. "I'll have some pie when I come back in, I promise."
Lily ran a gentle hand through his hair. "Okay." She smiled at her son as he pulled his coat on and made for the front door.
Luke stepped out into the crisp December air. There was a small breeze sweeping past the porch, and it felt good against the heat of his face. Luke took a few steadying breaths to calm his nerves and slipped his hands into his coat pockets, watching the clouds of breath materialize and disappear in front of his face. The dim light fixed by the door cast dull shadows over his form, and he thought about Noah. Thought about how maybe it would have been better if Noah had spent the holidays at the rehabilitation center.
Luke let some of the images of Noah - cooped up in his room at the rehab center, lying dejectedly across his bed with no one to keep him company - pass through his mind before he decided that, if their roles had been reversed, being left at the rehab center for Christmas - even if he hated Noah at the time - would be the single most awful experience of his life. There's no way Luke could have left Noah there to rot while his family was exchanging gifts and stuffing their faces with pie.
What he didn't know, however, was that Noah had made it down to the living room just in time to overhear Luke’s conversation with Lily right before he'd escaped to the porch. And how the sad sincerity in Luke’s tone had shamed him; made Noah internally scold himself for not being truthful in his actions towards Luke.
Just then, a dark shadow passed over the steps leading up to the porch, and Holden's familiar frame appeared in front of Luke.
He lit up instantly. "Dad!"
"Hey, Luke," Holden greeted him with a smile.
"You made it for dessert."
"That I did." Holden grinned harder. "How are the girls?"
Luke gestured happily over his shoulder at the front door. "See for yourself," he said, grinning back at his dad. "They've been waiting for you."
The door behind them opened then, momentarily catching Holden’s attention, but Luke didn’t turn around to look with him. Holden switched his gaze back to Luke and clapped his shoulder with one hand. "See ya back in there," he said, then slipped past Luke towards the door. He greeted the figure in the doorway as he passed, a simple spoken word delivered with a genuine smile. "Noah."
Luke froze. The door shut quietly behind Holden, and suddenly the two of them were alone on the porch together.
Noah moved forward, his cane as his guide, but before he could say anything, the familiar chirp of Luke's cell phone sang out from Luke's right pocket, and he reached in to answer it. Noah stood behind him, listening to his half of the conversation.
"Oh, Casey, hey...yeah, we're doing dessert now, no worries." Luke paused for a second, listening. "Oh, yeah, about that...I'm not sure what we're...what I'm doing this year. You guys are still going to Metro, right? Yeah..." Luke paused again. Noah could hear Casey's tinny voice over the phone, but he couldn't make out any words. "Yeah, I'll definitely let you know what we're...what I'm doing. Yup. Later, Case." The phone clicked off.
Silence reigned. The breeze shuffled past Luke, masking the sound of Noah's cane tapping lightly against the wood of the porch. Noah then appeared by Luke's side.
Luke didn't look at him at first. Not until Noah had stepped directly in front of Luke. Not that he knew Luke was looking at him anyway.
Finally, Noah spoke, as softly and as gently as he should have when Luke had first come to his room that night. "I'm sorry."
He heard Luke take a ragged breath. No doubt his boyfriend was preparing to steel himself for the words he thought were going to come out of Noah’s mouth next.
"I didn't mean to make you feel bad,” Noah continued. Luke shifted, and Noah could hear the questions popping up on Luke's tongue, but he beat him to the punch. "I want to be here," Noah said slowly, delicately. "And I want to be with you."
Luke's voice came out sounding strangled and small. "Are you sure?"
"Yes." Noah stepped closer to Luke's voice. He could feel the heat from Luke's body now.
Luke puffed out a breath. "I thought you were going to break up with me," he forced out. Noah heard the scuffling of Luke's shoes against the wood below their feet.
"Why would I want to do that?" Noah whispered, leaning closer to Luke. "I love you." He pressed a small kiss to Luke's forehead, his skin hot against Noah's mouth.
Luke grinned up at his boyfriend, instantly relieved. He didn’t think about the words first, just said them as they came to him. "Same here," he whispered back, and pulled Noah gratefully into a hug.
Noah smiled into his shoulder and held Luke for a long while. Then he said, "How about them presents now?"
Luke pulled back and laughed. "And dessert!" he exclaimed with a grin.
* * *
[Two months later.]
Luke walked quietly into the kitchen and peered at his boyfriend, who was sitting at the table by himself, arms folded over the tabletop, staring at nothing. Luke leaned against the doorframe and observed him for a moment, then stepped into the kitchen and asked, "Do you want some tea?"
Noah turned immediately at his voice and smiled brightly up at his boyfriend. "Sure."
Luke moved to the stove and put the kettle on, then settled into the chair opposite Noah. They sat in silence, the only sound between them the rustling of Noah's sleeve as the flannel brushed against the wood of the table. He gripped Luke’s hand tightly and they sifted their fingers back and forth in an easy rhythm till the kettle began to whistle impatiently.
How far away it seemed to Luke. How long ago that Noah hadn’t been able to see him; that Noah had been cut off from him, and the world. Things were so different now, what with Noah’s baby blues restored to full health. And, more importantly, they had been assigned back to active duty as well.
Luke readied the tea quickly and placed Noah's cup down in front of him. "I have something for you," he said, blowing the steam from his mug.
Noah looked up in interest. "You do?"
Luke nodded. "Yeah. Wanna see?"
Noah nodded back, and Luke set his cup hastily down on the table. He ran from the kitchen, up the stairs, down the hall to his bedroom, opened his nightstand drawer, pulled the flat object out, and then raced back to the kitchen. Noah was still waiting calmly for him at the table, sipping his tea.
"Here." Luke offered Noah the item in his hands.
Noah stared at it for a minute. "Isn't this the photo album we got for Christmas?" he asked, a hint of confusion in his tone. He could still remember Luke’s fingers guiding his own through the flaps of wrapping paper, smoothing his hands over the leather of the book.
Luke nodded. "Yup." He gestured with his chin. "Open it."
Noah did as suggested. The last time he had seen the inside of the album, it had been blank. Now it was full.
Pictures were placed carefully down the pages in neat rows, with enough room to allow hand-written captions underneath. The first page was full of images from the most recent Christmas. Natalie and Lily posing on the couch, Lily's arm around Natalie, who was all gussied up in a dress complete with ribbons in her hair. Then there was Ethan in front of the tree, grinning hugely, with tinsel sprinkled on his head. Underneath, the caption read, "It falled on me," in Ethan's shaky handwriting. Underneath that photo was one of the Snyders at the kitchen table, Holden included, everyone laughing into their plates full of pie.
Noah flipped to the next page. New Year's, which they had spent with Casey and Alison and everyone who had decided to show at Metro that night. The bar had been decorated to the nines. Everyone was smiling and looking snazzy in their dressy New Year’s outfits. There were self-portraits taken by the crowd that inhabited the dance floor, and there were photos taken by Luke, Casey, and Ali. Some were funny group shots - a handful of people Luke’s parents’ age doing the Funky Chicken - and others were serious couple-shots, like Casey and Ali snuggling together at their table. Despite the dim of the room, each photo sparkled with the Christmas lights strung up in the background and the grins pasted to the patrons’ faces.
The next page was of Damian and Lily's vow renewal ceremony. Luke and Ethan smiled together in one photo. Lily and Damian offered each other pieces of cake in another. Ethan was captured patting his cheeks down with cake-covered fingers, while Lily’s face crinkled in joyful exasperation behind him.
Noah flipped quickly through the rest of the pages, not to get the viewing over and done with, but to absorb how much effort Luke had put into this gift. Every page after was stuffed with photos that encompassed the time between Christmas and now. Noah looked up at his blonde boyfriend in shock. "You did this, Luke?"
Luke nodded shyly from where he stood by Noah's side, looking over his shoulder at the contents of the album. "I thought that, you know...one day you'd like to see them. I mean, see what you missed when..."
"When I was blind," Noah finished. He stared at the pages of the album for a minute, then looked back up at Luke. "You never gave up hope, did you?" he asked in wonderment.
Luke shook his head. "Not once. And I thought, also, since today is your last session with your counselor, that you could take this with you."
Noah's brow furrowed in curiosity.
"You know...to tie up some loose ends. I thought maybe this would help put a cap on your whole experience. If you want to talk about it with her."
Noah reached to pull Luke to his side, hugging him tightly to him. Luke bent and kissed Noah's hair, then slid his fingers into the dark locks.
"Thank you," Noah said into Luke's shirt.
Luke squeezed him in return. "You’re welcome."