(no subject)
no matter how many times i am made to wait for the good things i know god has in store for me, i never stop worrying that maybe they may not come, and i never seem to acquire enough patience. i have been made to wait on god's timing over and over and i try my hardest to coninue the path i think i am supposed to be on hoping that my "goodness" (what a joke right?) will be enough to sway god's mercy... hoping maybe if i do this or dont do that he will bend to my desire for a faster turn around. this has not ever happened but i continue to try. god always comes through on his time and i never have died from waiting, i never go without the things i need. how does one go about learning patience, learnign to ease anxiety about the unknown. right now i am battling faith without faith, and sometimes i think that is the best place to be- the only place to be. to realize that i don't have true faith, but know at the same time that god will forgive me for my lack of faith and see my longing as some sort of step of faith. faith without faith- without knowing. what is it that i love when i love my god?
i have had so many people tell me in the last week that things will work in my favor- or at least they'd like to see them go that way- because i have done things the "right" way... not living together, not sleeping together, getting a good education, serving the church, being loyal to my family, again trying to be "good". All in all my obedience has paid off- mostly recently. while i can say that most of my highschool and college years were spent wondering when my "goodness" would pay off- feeling forgotten by god himself- the last 9 months have proven to be an amzing time in my life where things have fallen into place for me- all according to god's timing. i am going to grad school, i have a great position lined up, i have a great future with a great guy, i am starting a mission that i feel is truly god's will, and now what? now i am sitting here thinking "well if you could just get me this house too that would be great- i wont ask for anythign else"
What is my deal? How have i not learned. honestly, i do want this house we have a bid on- i do want to be the offer that the owner chooses- but waiting shouldn't be keeping me up for days. where have i gone wrong. i am trying to place all of my trust in god- but it becomes increasingly difficult with each hour that goes by without a ring on my phone or a message in my inbox. whether this house or the next, god will work all things out in his timing. he always does. and i will always find myself back here- waiting, because i can never learn. because i still think that if i read 5 devotions tonight to make up for the last week's that i missed it will be penance. because i don't think it is ever enough for god. because im not sure what i do is enough even when it is what i do out of my desire to serve.
maybe one of these times i will begin to learn my lesson. for now, i may spend another night crying out- trying to wake the christ who sleeps on the boat. im sure he will when he is ready- he will speak- and all things in life will fall where they are meant to be (whether what i wanted or not) and i will be thankful and continue on.
peace.
kaitlyn.
***lord, i believe, please help me with my unbelief.
i have had so many people tell me in the last week that things will work in my favor- or at least they'd like to see them go that way- because i have done things the "right" way... not living together, not sleeping together, getting a good education, serving the church, being loyal to my family, again trying to be "good". All in all my obedience has paid off- mostly recently. while i can say that most of my highschool and college years were spent wondering when my "goodness" would pay off- feeling forgotten by god himself- the last 9 months have proven to be an amzing time in my life where things have fallen into place for me- all according to god's timing. i am going to grad school, i have a great position lined up, i have a great future with a great guy, i am starting a mission that i feel is truly god's will, and now what? now i am sitting here thinking "well if you could just get me this house too that would be great- i wont ask for anythign else"
What is my deal? How have i not learned. honestly, i do want this house we have a bid on- i do want to be the offer that the owner chooses- but waiting shouldn't be keeping me up for days. where have i gone wrong. i am trying to place all of my trust in god- but it becomes increasingly difficult with each hour that goes by without a ring on my phone or a message in my inbox. whether this house or the next, god will work all things out in his timing. he always does. and i will always find myself back here- waiting, because i can never learn. because i still think that if i read 5 devotions tonight to make up for the last week's that i missed it will be penance. because i don't think it is ever enough for god. because im not sure what i do is enough even when it is what i do out of my desire to serve.
maybe one of these times i will begin to learn my lesson. for now, i may spend another night crying out- trying to wake the christ who sleeps on the boat. im sure he will when he is ready- he will speak- and all things in life will fall where they are meant to be (whether what i wanted or not) and i will be thankful and continue on.
peace.
kaitlyn.
***lord, i believe, please help me with my unbelief.