A little self-reflection
~.: I've come to realize that when I begin to notice there are emotional wounds in the people I have relationships with -- and that's any sort of relationship -- I automatically gravitate towards them. It's something I've been struggling with ever since I became aware it's what I do. Years of self-analysis have helped me to know where this habit comes from, to know that it stems from even more years of taking care of others who should have been taking care of me. I got used to it, it became normal for me, and it made me feel good, because being emotionally supportive, even to the extreme, was the only thing I could contribute to making matters better. So it's become an ingrained part of my personality. I get an immense sense of gratification when I am able to assist others through their problems, when I can help them dig through the emotional and psychological crap of their lives. I guess that's why I chose the field I'm in. I can be as co-dependent as I want and get paid for it.
~.: But I've been working really hard to learn how to draw appropriate boundaries, and to not let people like Jason have an effect on my own emotions and psyche. I failed miserably at it in my last relationship, and I thought it wouldn't even be an issue in my current one. But I guess you can't judge the depth of a person's emotional and psychological anguish at first sight.
~.: The more I get to know Guille, the more I'm finding there are issues deeper than anything I've dealt with in any of my relationships before. I'm terrified of getting close to those issues because I don't know how to do anything about them, which leads me to my next fear: fear of the fact that I want to do anything about them at all. It is not my place to fix people, or to prove anything to them, or any of that, but it makes me feel good to do that, and I know there is a certain amount of it that comes up when you're being emotionally supportive. My problem is that I don't know where to draw the line, and so I don't know if it's something I should necessarily get myself involved in. I mean, I can talk to him, make him aware of my intentions, and then lay solid ground rules and tell him what can't happen in order for me to not get taken advantage of, emotionally. I just don't know that I'll be able to articulate everything I want to say in one go, and then it'll get drawn out, and just ... I don't know.
~.: I know Guille's been feeling very melancholic lately because of stress and drama going on in his life, especially with his family, and I feel like after last night's (very brief) conversation, I understand him so much better. It's not that he's completely insensitive to my feelings on certain matters, or is so full of himself that he hates to lower himself to the juvenile level of my 20-something year old friends. It's that he's scared. Terrified. I think there are both individual and cultural factors at play, but he says he can't remember the last time he cried, even though he felt like it yesterday, he said he wasn't going to because he wasn't weak. I don't know that he's ever been in touch with his feelings; I don't know that he's ever allowed himself to be, because from the sounds of it, there aren't very many positive ones that he's experienced. I can tell he's emotionally tired, has been for some time, and runs from seriously dealing with any emotion because he doesn't know how to, and is afraid to try. He works all the time (and I mean, all the time) because he's running. If he stops, even for a second, there's a chance he might miss an opportunity to make the life for himself that he's apparently been trying to make since he was like, a teenager, a young one.
~.: I just don't know how to offer my support and still take care of my own emotional needs, because I know how I get when I try to help take care of others. I end up full-on taking care of them, and that's not healthy for me. But I want a healthy relationship, and I want my boyfriend to be healthy, and I want to make sure that I'm staying healthy.
~.: Ugh. Life is hard. :|
~.: But I've been working really hard to learn how to draw appropriate boundaries, and to not let people like Jason have an effect on my own emotions and psyche. I failed miserably at it in my last relationship, and I thought it wouldn't even be an issue in my current one. But I guess you can't judge the depth of a person's emotional and psychological anguish at first sight.
~.: The more I get to know Guille, the more I'm finding there are issues deeper than anything I've dealt with in any of my relationships before. I'm terrified of getting close to those issues because I don't know how to do anything about them, which leads me to my next fear: fear of the fact that I want to do anything about them at all. It is not my place to fix people, or to prove anything to them, or any of that, but it makes me feel good to do that, and I know there is a certain amount of it that comes up when you're being emotionally supportive. My problem is that I don't know where to draw the line, and so I don't know if it's something I should necessarily get myself involved in. I mean, I can talk to him, make him aware of my intentions, and then lay solid ground rules and tell him what can't happen in order for me to not get taken advantage of, emotionally. I just don't know that I'll be able to articulate everything I want to say in one go, and then it'll get drawn out, and just ... I don't know.
~.: I know Guille's been feeling very melancholic lately because of stress and drama going on in his life, especially with his family, and I feel like after last night's (very brief) conversation, I understand him so much better. It's not that he's completely insensitive to my feelings on certain matters, or is so full of himself that he hates to lower himself to the juvenile level of my 20-something year old friends. It's that he's scared. Terrified. I think there are both individual and cultural factors at play, but he says he can't remember the last time he cried, even though he felt like it yesterday, he said he wasn't going to because he wasn't weak. I don't know that he's ever been in touch with his feelings; I don't know that he's ever allowed himself to be, because from the sounds of it, there aren't very many positive ones that he's experienced. I can tell he's emotionally tired, has been for some time, and runs from seriously dealing with any emotion because he doesn't know how to, and is afraid to try. He works all the time (and I mean, all the time) because he's running. If he stops, even for a second, there's a chance he might miss an opportunity to make the life for himself that he's apparently been trying to make since he was like, a teenager, a young one.
~.: I just don't know how to offer my support and still take care of my own emotional needs, because I know how I get when I try to help take care of others. I end up full-on taking care of them, and that's not healthy for me. But I want a healthy relationship, and I want my boyfriend to be healthy, and I want to make sure that I'm staying healthy.
~.: Ugh. Life is hard. :|