i didn't even hug you goodbye

Sep 10, 2005 21:22

I'm sitting here sick, and a sad truth is dawning on me, Chris is really closed to me. Last saturday seems like so long ago. We were all together it was like a moment from 2 years ago, but there we were all of us. us meaning me and all of his friends. brett was whispering to me. eddie was still trying to get me to touch his dick, and chris had his arm around my waste and was playing with the seam of my pants. oh and luke was passed out from marijuana. there were a few additions tim, matt, liberal texan, piffer, and alex yet this isn't a story of the night, me and alex snuck out of my house and drove to st. joes and sang sublime songs and smoked a lot and lost her wallet and my necklace and then ran a red light and then came back to my house at 6.30 in the morning, no it's not that story.

i was actually thinking more about my relationship with chris. during the summer i saw him again one more time, and we had a moment. he came back in my life and while i was telling everyone i didn't want him there, when it came time to do the dramatic scene, i couldn't i collapsed into myself and let my emotions overflow. i cried. i resented him all over again for leaving me, for ruining me, for giving me so many memories that i can never forget. i laid so close to him. he had his arms around me. he was warm and loving. he kissed my closed eye and stroked my back, as he told me how much he loved me and was reminding me of everything i ever said to him that i thought he would have forgotten by now. i was so comfortable with him. everything was fine. we wanted to have another round. we wanted to pick up where we left off. we wanted to be in love again, but we couldn't. too much has already happened for us to just go back. yet, i didn't know that then and i went to sleep happier than i remember myself in a while. these were my thoughts when i woke up the next morning. things didn't really go any further, he went to ireland and i sort of continued on with what was already going on with ben.

so now i'm reflecting upon what happened at st.joes that night and it was far from loving in that way. we had become closed off to each other and even though i thought things would be better if we were alone they weren't. we were just there. there wasn't anything between us anymore. i don't regret what happened afterwards because it was just the last time and the last try. except everything was automatic and standard. it's obvious in more ways than one that we're really done with each other and there isn't much point to pretending like i still have feelings for him. we really are done. it's just hard now because i know essentially now i'm looking for love in a relationship, but whether it will actually come anytime soon, who knows. it's a little complicated getting back into dating because i just jump the gun a little i instantly want to have a relationship and blah blah thats no good. it's amazing how writing all of this out just makes things a lot easier, i doub't i'll be able to date like a normal person again but at least i'm not upset about chris anymore. yay for that!

now time to get into college, right?
one of my essay questions is pretty easy the other... well that will be a trip

cheers
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