The Last Four Years in Song
Sooooo, my husband has a new job. He is so over the moon happy, it's infectious. :) One of the requirements of his new position is that he spends a lot of time traveling. Not a lot of overnight traveling, but a lot of time behind the wheel. So, since he's a music junkie, he bought a bunch of blank CDs, and because he's awesome, he made me one too. There are many of my favorite songs on there, and so many of them were speaking to me, from different points in my life, I started thinking I wanted to write it all down, so here we go: the last four year of my life, in song. :)
July 4, 2011
Everyone who knew me knew I was in a bad marriage. Most people didn't like my husband. Those who did, did so warily, but I was bound and determined to stay, because as he had pointed out over and over, if I left, he had a lot more money than I. He promised that he would take the kids away, and I would never see any of them ever again, so I put up with the abuse, because really, wasn't it better for the kids? I mean, no matter what they saw or heard, they went to a good school, and lived in a nice house. Wasn't that all that mattered? When my grandfather lay in the hospital dying, I asked him to delay his trip to New Mexico to spend a month with his girlfriend and bastard child. I needed to be at the hospital, to say goodbye, to be there for my heart-broken father. He delayed only a single day, but wouldn't give me more. Luckily, I was able to lean on friends, and have someone watch the kids, so I could be at his bedside, where I belonged, when he passed. I knew I was ready to leave in every way but financially to go, so I began to plot with a little encouragement from a friend in the interweb. I would leave in a year's time. By then, I would be working full time, in a good job, with good benefits. I could buy a little house, and I could raise the kids without fear of ever being hit, without being told how useless and fat and lazy I was. I just had to hang in there for a year. I was determined that I would win my independence once and for all!
I was surprised to get a message from my husband's best friend on Facebook one day. After confirming that he was, in actuality, talking to me, he said that he needed to talk to me. When I arrived at his house a few days later, I was surprised that I had been misled a little. He was there, and his wife as well. A guy-friend I hadn't seen or spoken to in 12 years, and I man I had never met. Looking back, I think of it at my Intervention Day.
I learned the ugly truth that day. Things that I had suspected for a long time were not only correct, but open truth. He was seeing a woman my MOTHER'S age. The truth smashed into me like a hammer with a thousand stinging barbs hitting me like little needles of truth. A sexual relationship with a girl under the age of 14. Dating her mother openly to all the world-except me. Bragging about the power and control he had over me, hurting me, humiliating me, turning my eldest child against me.
I think a part of me died a little that day.
I was determined to stick it out a year as I had planned. But in the meantime, I was going to have a life. I was going to have fun, go out once and a while, see if I could find the person that I used to be. Maybe even discover a little that I hadn't known about. I saw my new friends twice a week, I decided to take up fire dancing, and even though it was STRICTLY FORBIDDEN I drank alcohol. *gasp* I was such a rebel. It was so easy, even when my husband returned from New Mexico I was able to escape. Probably because it gave him more time to go out drinking and getting high with his buddies. But I was far from caring. I was building a foundation that would enable me to be an actual PERSON. I was so excited!
What I didn't expect, what that I was starting to build a little crush on an old friend. I didn't see that coming at all. I shouldn't have been surprised that I started falling for him a little. It was an amazing feeling to be around another man, someone who had respect for me, and true feelings of friendship and loyalty. There were more than a few stolen kisses between us, and as I predicted, my husband found out. He went completely ballistic, and we had a terrible fight. Not a shock, I got hurt, but not too badly. I think I might have actually hurt him, because no matter what he did to me, he knew that I would never step out on him. I don't remember if I actually told him that I hadn't cheated. I don't think I did - because at the time, I was so angry, because he could sleep with whomever he wanted, but if I kissed someone, I deserved to die. The next morning, he told me that I was leaving, and that I could walk out on my own, or be carried out in a body bag. He was so filled with fury, I believed him, so I ran. I ran straight to my friend. He had offered me a place to stay if I ever needed it, and lord did I. Our torrid little affair started right then and there, while I figured out what I was going to do. How I was going to get my kids back, and keep them. I was incredibly thankful for his listening ear, sage advice, and just the right amount of righteous indignation to keep me on the course I needed to me on. Plus he made me laugh. I think in that moment, for that short period of time, he really became my best friend.
My days were spent at work, then in the afternoons I would go home and be with my kids. The Monday and Wednesday evenings were dedicated to scouting with the kids as I was a leader for Cubs and Brownies. Other evenings, he and I would do things with friends. Nights it was the two of us, he calming my fears, and talking about the future. Never "our" future, because despite the fact that I was falling for him a little, we both new there was no future in an "us". One evening, I had a nasty confrontation with my husband that left some nasty bruising. After prompting, and a little threatening, I finally agreed to go to the courts to file for a restraining order to get my life firmly on track.
August 22, 2011
The day it was granted, was a day I was filled with more relief than I can ever express. He was forced to move out, I had my children back, and I could start focusing on how to build a better life from that moment on. I wasn't financially ready, but I was hoping I could find a way to make it all work. But I was SAFE, and so were my kids. I felt so thankful! No more yo-yoing. This was is, the end of us FOREVER!
A month later, we were back in court, and the judge granted my restraining order for a year. The month after that, he sued me for custody off all three kids, and LOST. The month after that, I sued him for child support, and WON. Of course, he never paid it, but it was the principle of the thing. We got evicted, moved in with my father, and the kids all changed schools. Thanksgiving arrived, and the kids left town for their first visitation at his new home in Arizona. They left on a Saturday, and the moment they stepped out the door, I fell into a crumpled heap and ugly cried for I-don't-know-how-long. If felt like my arms and legs had been removed. I ran to my friends, determined to not go home until they returned a week later. I went a little crazy that week. I dyed my naturally light blonde hair black, drank til I passed out, played with fire poi, and essentially stayed insane, determined to survive this first-ever separation from my family. In all honesty, I don't remember much of what happened that week! But it was pretty funny to show up at Thanksgiving dinner at my mom's and have her not recognize me with my black hair. Yipe! I remember thinking that this is what college might have been like had I gone after high school like a normal person, LOL!
The kids came home, and after they got used to my new look, we settled into our new familiar program of school and work. Building a life, day by day...
January came with a new hobby. All my friends were members of the SCA, and that January, there was an event we'd all (save one) decided to attend. After going, I realized that this was something I wanted to belong to. The next event wasn't until March, so I got busy (with some help!) making a period dress to wear. Learning to sew was a challenge, and frustrating, but I learned to relish my time at my friend's house getting my dress done. It was a break from the monotony of life, and every day I looked to the March event more. I was going sans kidlets, and was determined to have a good time. I was also lonely, and ready for a new relationship. (Pre-event journal post- http://funnibunni80.livejournal.com/2012/03/23/) I was hoping that this event would be the start of one with a certain man, but it turned out that it wasn't, at least with him. Isn't it crazy how life can take you into crazy twists and turns that you never expected?
March 24, 2012
I met a guy at that event, and we hit it off. But he was from the Sac area, so out of my reach. Besides, I didn't think he was looking for a relationship - just a friend. He left, at the end of the event, and we agreed that we'd look for each other at the June event, since he wasn't going to the May one. I wasn't expecting to get a message from him on Facebook that same day. We chatted a little for a day or two, and then we stopped, but it was no big deal. A friend was determined that something was destined to happen between us. She threatened me that if I didn't give him my number, she would. After arguing for a time, I gave up, and messaged him my number. She grinned in triumph.
I got a message a couple days later from him. Several thousand followed. At work, in the car, at the grocery store, during dinner, while watching a movie with the kids... the conversation was endless. He was the last person I "talked" to at night, and the first one I talked to in the morning. We asked each other every question we could think of. What we wanted out of life, what our favorite color was, why dogs were superior to cats. Then he asked if I might say yes if he asked me on a date. I said I might... but as I recall "Will you go out with me?" was probably the ONE question that he never asked me, lol.
April 5, 2012
Our first date. It was listening to music, and dinner at my favorite restaurant. I had fire practice that night, so he was going to come, and then head home after. We ended up spending the entire day together, and by the time we were ready for dinner, we both knew that this was the start of something special. I wasn't sure what it was going to turn into - but something special I knew I wanted to hang onto, that much was certain!
April 16, 2012
We agreed that we would take it slow... but that didn't happen. It was only a week later that we were at a friend's house, and she read our tarot cards. We were both very surprised that many of our cards matched - only the ones associated with the future. When it was time for me to leave, on a whim, I turned around and asked him if he wanted to come with me, meet the kids and take them to Chuck E. Cheese. I didn't expect him to agree, but he did. We all had a good time. :)
April 27, 2012
So much for slow, at his house surrounded by his friends, he asked me to marry him. I was pretty surprised, and was sure I misheard him, since he asked so quietly. I asked him what he'd said, and he denied saying anything. The THIRD time he asked, I texted him that I could hear just fine, and he needed to sober up first. When he saw it, he laughed, and dragged me away from the show. We talked, and he assured me that he was completely sober, and serious. I was pretty sure I didn't ever want to be married again, but he was determined, and we planned a long engagement - since I was fairly certain that both our parents were going to kill us. Although my parents, kids, and his sister all approved of "us" I hadn't even met his parents yet. We decided to keep it all under wraps until I'd met them, and set up a date to meet them. The we started talking wedding dates. Decisions, decisions. 2015? 2014? April, May, June? We talked about our previous weddings, what we loved and what we hated. He told me more than anything was to be married in Lake Tahoe - his favorite place in the world. But that that was impossible. I told him he was silly, because if we were possible after such a short time - anything was possible.
May 26, 2012
I got the thumbs up form his parents. We were officially engaged!
June 21, 2012
We got hand-fasted. From this day forward, we will live together as husband and wife. If we make it, a year and a day then we know that it's meant to be, and we will make it legal and official. Time to take a breath, and officially I have a new husband, and he a new wife.
We lived together with another couple for a month while my kids were away, then with my father for two months after that.
October 1, 2012
Finally, we were in our own place. Not one moment too soon! Life settled into an ordinary pattern. Hard to live like newlyweds with three kids in the house. Life wasn't perfect, of course, we fought sometimes. But our relationship was important so we made it work. The baby question came up over and over. Not happening. At least not yet. We were determined to make it through our year first.
June 22, 2013
Finally married in front of family and friends. I walked down the aisle to the most perfect song in the world. The day was everything we wanted and hoped for, right down to the amazing weather. And he thought I wasn't going to be able to make it happen. I was quite pleased with myself, and very grateful for all the help given to me by family and friends to make the day happen. Most importantly, there was love. Oh, there was love. :)
December 18, 2013
Life will never be the same again. :) A visit to the doctor to find out what was wrong with me, and we are SHOCKED to find out that we're expecting!
As for the future? We don't know. But he hopes that August 5th will bring a little pink blanket, but I still have some money on blue, so we'll see!
But in the end, all I can really hope for is more of the good stuff. There is so much to look forward to, and in the meantime, I strive to have the same enduring love that my grandparents shared for the 70 years their marriage lasted. ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥
July 4, 2011
Everyone who knew me knew I was in a bad marriage. Most people didn't like my husband. Those who did, did so warily, but I was bound and determined to stay, because as he had pointed out over and over, if I left, he had a lot more money than I. He promised that he would take the kids away, and I would never see any of them ever again, so I put up with the abuse, because really, wasn't it better for the kids? I mean, no matter what they saw or heard, they went to a good school, and lived in a nice house. Wasn't that all that mattered? When my grandfather lay in the hospital dying, I asked him to delay his trip to New Mexico to spend a month with his girlfriend and bastard child. I needed to be at the hospital, to say goodbye, to be there for my heart-broken father. He delayed only a single day, but wouldn't give me more. Luckily, I was able to lean on friends, and have someone watch the kids, so I could be at his bedside, where I belonged, when he passed. I knew I was ready to leave in every way but financially to go, so I began to plot with a little encouragement from a friend in the interweb. I would leave in a year's time. By then, I would be working full time, in a good job, with good benefits. I could buy a little house, and I could raise the kids without fear of ever being hit, without being told how useless and fat and lazy I was. I just had to hang in there for a year. I was determined that I would win my independence once and for all!
Click to viewI was surprised to get a message from my husband's best friend on Facebook one day. After confirming that he was, in actuality, talking to me, he said that he needed to talk to me. When I arrived at his house a few days later, I was surprised that I had been misled a little. He was there, and his wife as well. A guy-friend I hadn't seen or spoken to in 12 years, and I man I had never met. Looking back, I think of it at my Intervention Day.
I learned the ugly truth that day. Things that I had suspected for a long time were not only correct, but open truth. He was seeing a woman my MOTHER'S age. The truth smashed into me like a hammer with a thousand stinging barbs hitting me like little needles of truth. A sexual relationship with a girl under the age of 14. Dating her mother openly to all the world-except me. Bragging about the power and control he had over me, hurting me, humiliating me, turning my eldest child against me.
I think a part of me died a little that day.
I was determined to stick it out a year as I had planned. But in the meantime, I was going to have a life. I was going to have fun, go out once and a while, see if I could find the person that I used to be. Maybe even discover a little that I hadn't known about. I saw my new friends twice a week, I decided to take up fire dancing, and even though it was STRICTLY FORBIDDEN I drank alcohol. *gasp* I was such a rebel. It was so easy, even when my husband returned from New Mexico I was able to escape. Probably because it gave him more time to go out drinking and getting high with his buddies. But I was far from caring. I was building a foundation that would enable me to be an actual PERSON. I was so excited!
What I didn't expect, what that I was starting to build a little crush on an old friend. I didn't see that coming at all. I shouldn't have been surprised that I started falling for him a little. It was an amazing feeling to be around another man, someone who had respect for me, and true feelings of friendship and loyalty. There were more than a few stolen kisses between us, and as I predicted, my husband found out. He went completely ballistic, and we had a terrible fight. Not a shock, I got hurt, but not too badly. I think I might have actually hurt him, because no matter what he did to me, he knew that I would never step out on him. I don't remember if I actually told him that I hadn't cheated. I don't think I did - because at the time, I was so angry, because he could sleep with whomever he wanted, but if I kissed someone, I deserved to die. The next morning, he told me that I was leaving, and that I could walk out on my own, or be carried out in a body bag. He was so filled with fury, I believed him, so I ran. I ran straight to my friend. He had offered me a place to stay if I ever needed it, and lord did I. Our torrid little affair started right then and there, while I figured out what I was going to do. How I was going to get my kids back, and keep them. I was incredibly thankful for his listening ear, sage advice, and just the right amount of righteous indignation to keep me on the course I needed to me on. Plus he made me laugh. I think in that moment, for that short period of time, he really became my best friend.
My days were spent at work, then in the afternoons I would go home and be with my kids. The Monday and Wednesday evenings were dedicated to scouting with the kids as I was a leader for Cubs and Brownies. Other evenings, he and I would do things with friends. Nights it was the two of us, he calming my fears, and talking about the future. Never "our" future, because despite the fact that I was falling for him a little, we both new there was no future in an "us". One evening, I had a nasty confrontation with my husband that left some nasty bruising. After prompting, and a little threatening, I finally agreed to go to the courts to file for a restraining order to get my life firmly on track.
August 22, 2011
The day it was granted, was a day I was filled with more relief than I can ever express. He was forced to move out, I had my children back, and I could start focusing on how to build a better life from that moment on. I wasn't financially ready, but I was hoping I could find a way to make it all work. But I was SAFE, and so were my kids. I felt so thankful! No more yo-yoing. This was is, the end of us FOREVER!
A month later, we were back in court, and the judge granted my restraining order for a year. The month after that, he sued me for custody off all three kids, and LOST. The month after that, I sued him for child support, and WON. Of course, he never paid it, but it was the principle of the thing. We got evicted, moved in with my father, and the kids all changed schools. Thanksgiving arrived, and the kids left town for their first visitation at his new home in Arizona. They left on a Saturday, and the moment they stepped out the door, I fell into a crumpled heap and ugly cried for I-don't-know-how-long. If felt like my arms and legs had been removed. I ran to my friends, determined to not go home until they returned a week later. I went a little crazy that week. I dyed my naturally light blonde hair black, drank til I passed out, played with fire poi, and essentially stayed insane, determined to survive this first-ever separation from my family. In all honesty, I don't remember much of what happened that week! But it was pretty funny to show up at Thanksgiving dinner at my mom's and have her not recognize me with my black hair. Yipe! I remember thinking that this is what college might have been like had I gone after high school like a normal person, LOL!
The kids came home, and after they got used to my new look, we settled into our new familiar program of school and work. Building a life, day by day...
January came with a new hobby. All my friends were members of the SCA, and that January, there was an event we'd all (save one) decided to attend. After going, I realized that this was something I wanted to belong to. The next event wasn't until March, so I got busy (with some help!) making a period dress to wear. Learning to sew was a challenge, and frustrating, but I learned to relish my time at my friend's house getting my dress done. It was a break from the monotony of life, and every day I looked to the March event more. I was going sans kidlets, and was determined to have a good time. I was also lonely, and ready for a new relationship. (Pre-event journal post- http://funnibunni80.livejournal.com/2012/03/23/) I was hoping that this event would be the start of one with a certain man, but it turned out that it wasn't, at least with him. Isn't it crazy how life can take you into crazy twists and turns that you never expected?
March 24, 2012
I met a guy at that event, and we hit it off. But he was from the Sac area, so out of my reach. Besides, I didn't think he was looking for a relationship - just a friend. He left, at the end of the event, and we agreed that we'd look for each other at the June event, since he wasn't going to the May one. I wasn't expecting to get a message from him on Facebook that same day. We chatted a little for a day or two, and then we stopped, but it was no big deal. A friend was determined that something was destined to happen between us. She threatened me that if I didn't give him my number, she would. After arguing for a time, I gave up, and messaged him my number. She grinned in triumph.
I got a message a couple days later from him. Several thousand followed. At work, in the car, at the grocery store, during dinner, while watching a movie with the kids... the conversation was endless. He was the last person I "talked" to at night, and the first one I talked to in the morning. We asked each other every question we could think of. What we wanted out of life, what our favorite color was, why dogs were superior to cats. Then he asked if I might say yes if he asked me on a date. I said I might... but as I recall "Will you go out with me?" was probably the ONE question that he never asked me, lol.
April 5, 2012
Our first date. It was listening to music, and dinner at my favorite restaurant. I had fire practice that night, so he was going to come, and then head home after. We ended up spending the entire day together, and by the time we were ready for dinner, we both knew that this was the start of something special. I wasn't sure what it was going to turn into - but something special I knew I wanted to hang onto, that much was certain!
April 16, 2012
We agreed that we would take it slow... but that didn't happen. It was only a week later that we were at a friend's house, and she read our tarot cards. We were both very surprised that many of our cards matched - only the ones associated with the future. When it was time for me to leave, on a whim, I turned around and asked him if he wanted to come with me, meet the kids and take them to Chuck E. Cheese. I didn't expect him to agree, but he did. We all had a good time. :)
April 27, 2012
So much for slow, at his house surrounded by his friends, he asked me to marry him. I was pretty surprised, and was sure I misheard him, since he asked so quietly. I asked him what he'd said, and he denied saying anything. The THIRD time he asked, I texted him that I could hear just fine, and he needed to sober up first. When he saw it, he laughed, and dragged me away from the show. We talked, and he assured me that he was completely sober, and serious. I was pretty sure I didn't ever want to be married again, but he was determined, and we planned a long engagement - since I was fairly certain that both our parents were going to kill us. Although my parents, kids, and his sister all approved of "us" I hadn't even met his parents yet. We decided to keep it all under wraps until I'd met them, and set up a date to meet them. The we started talking wedding dates. Decisions, decisions. 2015? 2014? April, May, June? We talked about our previous weddings, what we loved and what we hated. He told me more than anything was to be married in Lake Tahoe - his favorite place in the world. But that that was impossible. I told him he was silly, because if we were possible after such a short time - anything was possible.
May 26, 2012
I got the thumbs up form his parents. We were officially engaged!
June 21, 2012
We got hand-fasted. From this day forward, we will live together as husband and wife. If we make it, a year and a day then we know that it's meant to be, and we will make it legal and official. Time to take a breath, and officially I have a new husband, and he a new wife.
We lived together with another couple for a month while my kids were away, then with my father for two months after that.
October 1, 2012
Finally, we were in our own place. Not one moment too soon! Life settled into an ordinary pattern. Hard to live like newlyweds with three kids in the house. Life wasn't perfect, of course, we fought sometimes. But our relationship was important so we made it work. The baby question came up over and over. Not happening. At least not yet. We were determined to make it through our year first.
June 22, 2013
Finally married in front of family and friends. I walked down the aisle to the most perfect song in the world. The day was everything we wanted and hoped for, right down to the amazing weather. And he thought I wasn't going to be able to make it happen. I was quite pleased with myself, and very grateful for all the help given to me by family and friends to make the day happen. Most importantly, there was love. Oh, there was love. :)
December 18, 2013
Life will never be the same again. :) A visit to the doctor to find out what was wrong with me, and we are SHOCKED to find out that we're expecting!
As for the future? We don't know. But he hopes that August 5th will bring a little pink blanket, but I still have some money on blue, so we'll see!
But in the end, all I can really hope for is more of the good stuff. There is so much to look forward to, and in the meantime, I strive to have the same enduring love that my grandparents shared for the 70 years their marriage lasted. ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥