Improving
I'm really glad to have reconnected with Sammi, and Alli, and Amanda. It's nice to have more than just Kristen as a female friend (though I am, of course, wary, as I clearly do not have the best track record with female friends, a la Tara, Jen, Ashley, Mariah, other Sammi, etc.). But since I have disability, I can finally afford a full cell phone plan (as opposed to just pay as you go at $20 a month), and since I have free unlimited texting, I am looking forward to being able to cultivate a more fulfilling friendship with a girl than what I had with Ashley, or Mariah, though I am, of course, extremely wary, and I doubt I will ever be able to fully trust ANY female because of the ones in my past. That being said, I recognize that the things I like about Kristen, Sammi, Alli and Amanda (bluntness, honesty, straightforwardness) are traits that were not shared by the other ones, so it's probably unfair to paint them with the same brush as girls like Tara, or Jen, or Ashley, or Mariah, or Sammi #2, but I can't help it. It's like getting bitten by a snake - logically, you know that every subsequent snake isn't the same one that bit you, but that doesn't mean you aren't going to watch your back around them to make sure you don't get bitten again.
Either way! - I am glad to be able to be forming new friendships (and repairing old ones), and I am hopeful that this is a positive sign. Yesterday when I went out with Ryan, he remarked that my social ineptitude seemed to be improving, which pleased me. It makes me think that maybe some of my problems are things that I will be able to just get over with time, because I remember a few years ago, I couldn't even leave my house to go out with my friends once a YEAR, let alone once or twice a week, like I do now. For the year following the first time I dropped out of school (at seventeen), I literally did not leave my house a single time, because I just couldn't handle it. I did not see any of my friends for over a year. I dropped out in November of 2006 and the next time I went out for anything other than a doctor's appointment was in February 2008. February 27th, 2008, actually; I remember because it was such a landmark day for me. When I first started going to the CBT group early in 2009, it was ONCE A WEEK and I couldn't even go to THAT. I went to 6/12 of those meetings (every other week on average), and now I can go out once or twice a week if I push myself, and be okay most of the time (unless I'm in the middle of an episode), so I'm really hopeful that this means I'm starting to improve on at least some of my symptoms.
Anyway, uh.. this turned into some huge life story summary, so I'm going to stop writing now and go lay down, because I don't feel well..
Either way! - I am glad to be able to be forming new friendships (and repairing old ones), and I am hopeful that this is a positive sign. Yesterday when I went out with Ryan, he remarked that my social ineptitude seemed to be improving, which pleased me. It makes me think that maybe some of my problems are things that I will be able to just get over with time, because I remember a few years ago, I couldn't even leave my house to go out with my friends once a YEAR, let alone once or twice a week, like I do now. For the year following the first time I dropped out of school (at seventeen), I literally did not leave my house a single time, because I just couldn't handle it. I did not see any of my friends for over a year. I dropped out in November of 2006 and the next time I went out for anything other than a doctor's appointment was in February 2008. February 27th, 2008, actually; I remember because it was such a landmark day for me. When I first started going to the CBT group early in 2009, it was ONCE A WEEK and I couldn't even go to THAT. I went to 6/12 of those meetings (every other week on average), and now I can go out once or twice a week if I push myself, and be okay most of the time (unless I'm in the middle of an episode), so I'm really hopeful that this means I'm starting to improve on at least some of my symptoms.
Anyway, uh.. this turned into some huge life story summary, so I'm going to stop writing now and go lay down, because I don't feel well..