I hate Christmas.
It's Christmastime (at least for my family, who celebrates Christmas). Every year on the 24th, my mom's side of the family has a Christmas get-together. And every year, I cry for the entire first half of the day because I'm so apprehensive about going. It's only the 9th now and I'm already starting to experience anticipatory anxiety. I'm terrified of these people, and they misinterpret that as me not wanting anything to do with them, which triggers a whole other set of problems. I guess, first, let me explain why I hate being around them so much.
My mom's family are a big, loud, stereotypical, drunken German family - several times a year, they get together essentially to drink and spend the entire day/night yelling at each other and being judgmental towards each other. I only go to the Christmas gathering, because I'm so painfully uncomfortable with being around them. Every single time I go to one of their family parties, somebody ends up making a rude, disparaging remark to me - whether it be what I'm wearing (my clothes are too black, my shirt is too low-cut, my skirt is too tight, my breasts are too large), whether or not I'm back in school ("You dropped out four years ago! You're 21! All of your other cousins are in school/working, why can't you?", "Why would you bother going into medical school? Your cousin is already doing that. That's not a feminine career. Why don't you be a nurse? You're good at drawing, why don't you be an artist?"), what's wrong with me (why are you so depressed? Your life isn't that bad, stop whining. Anxiety isn't real anyway, you just need to get a backbone, or get more sunshine, or do some yoga/lose some weight/eat better), or even what I'm eating (your mother cooked that for you, why aren't you eating? It doesn't matter if you aren't hungry, that's rude. Eat more. Eat less. Eat meat. Being vegetarian is stupid. Don't you know you're actually causing more animals to die by being vegetarian?). Because of how incredibly judgmental they are, compared with how a) socially uncomfortable I am, and b) how difficult it is for me already to be myself in public and to be emotionally open, I have an extremely hard time NOT being awkward, and quiet, and reserved, and closed off around them, because they make me feel awful about myself. If I say something, then it's the wrong thing. If I don't say anything, then there's something wrong with me, and I can hear people whispering as they leave about what the hell is wrong with her, anyway, no one else in the family is like that, there must be something wrong with her (or "there's nothing wrong with her at all, she's just whiny").
A couple of days ago, I made a joke on my cousin's Facebook wall about us sitting at the "black" table (because he, my brother, his sister and I are all half-black). My aunt responded with, "I'm sorry you feel that way, because no one in our family is racist", and my cousin posted, "I don't know about you, but I sit at the table with everybody else in our family. It's not our fault that you want nothing to do with us." I can't explain how badly this upset me. Even now, just remembering how I felt reading that, I'm starting to tear up, because nothing could be further from the truth. I desperately wish I could say that I was best friends with my cousin, that I talk to my grandmother every single day, that I had a fight with my dad and went and spent a weekend at my aunt's house. I wish so badly that I could say I was close with my family, but I'm not, and despite what my cousin said, it is their fault that it's like that. Well, not entirely - I have some emotional problems that make it very difficult for me to be open with people on a personal level - but them being so judgmental doesn't help any, and neither does the fact that I know that most of them do not understand my psychological problems, or even think that they EXIST, let alone that I have them. I want to be able to go there and feel like I won't be whispered about later for what I was wearing, my eating preferences and habits, my lifestyle, or a bad joke that I made, but I just don't know how to be myself around them, largely because I know that they don't approve of who I am. I know that nothing I do makes sense to them, because, well.. because they just don't know or understand me, and I have trouble believing that anybody could find value in me - because if my own family doesn't like me, how will anybody else?
Additionally, I called my mom crying about this problem a couple of days ago, and it was a relief because it was the first time I've ever really, REALLY opened up to her about a problem I was having, which felt good, because she told me that she wouldn't leave my side at the party so that I would feel more comfortable being there, but now I regret telling her. Today, she called me, and her solution for my awkwardness around my family is to make me spend MORE time with them: she is forcing me to have a birthday dinner with some of them (my birthday is on the 13th), and she isn't letting me bring my brother, Michael, who I explicitly told her was the only person I feel comfortable around at these parties, because I know he understands me and the issues I have regarding anxiety. So, not only if she forcing me to spend MORE time with them, but she is also making me do it without my one and only support system at any family function that I've ever been to, and I now really regret telling her any of this. I know I'm at adult and that I technically don't have to go if I don't want to, but when I initially said "no, I don't want to go", her response was, "Holly, that's not fair. Your grandmother is old, and she wants to spend time with you. I've already made reservations at a restaurant and it would be really unfair and selfish of you to not go." I don't think that I will be telling her anything like this in the future if this is her response to me finally opening up to her for the first time in almost 22 years. Reactions like hers are the reason why I'm so reluctant to tell anyone ANYTHING about myself: it always ends up backfiring.
Edit: I'm thinking I should just get really drunk like I did with Michael and Sheena last year at Christmas.. except that Michael can't even go this year because he has to work, so now I have to see them on the 13th and the 24th, and both with only my mom there to support me, whatever the fuck that means (because I know I'll just be sitting in a chair in the corner not saying anything, just like I did on Mother's Day when they guilted me into going).
I can't wait until I have a family of my own. Then I can fucking stop going to THEIR family reunions and pretending like they give a shit if I just drop dead or stop going one year. I will never bring Brandon around them. My Oma was married to the same man for over forty years and in all the times I can remember going to Christmas with them (over twenty years), the only person I ever saw say a single thing to him was my brother, and they treated my dad the same way. I hate how they all sit there pointing the finger at me, like I'm the one who's different, when they've already run four other people out of the fucking family before me because of the way they treat each other.
My mom's family are a big, loud, stereotypical, drunken German family - several times a year, they get together essentially to drink and spend the entire day/night yelling at each other and being judgmental towards each other. I only go to the Christmas gathering, because I'm so painfully uncomfortable with being around them. Every single time I go to one of their family parties, somebody ends up making a rude, disparaging remark to me - whether it be what I'm wearing (my clothes are too black, my shirt is too low-cut, my skirt is too tight, my breasts are too large), whether or not I'm back in school ("You dropped out four years ago! You're 21! All of your other cousins are in school/working, why can't you?", "Why would you bother going into medical school? Your cousin is already doing that. That's not a feminine career. Why don't you be a nurse? You're good at drawing, why don't you be an artist?"), what's wrong with me (why are you so depressed? Your life isn't that bad, stop whining. Anxiety isn't real anyway, you just need to get a backbone, or get more sunshine, or do some yoga/lose some weight/eat better), or even what I'm eating (your mother cooked that for you, why aren't you eating? It doesn't matter if you aren't hungry, that's rude. Eat more. Eat less. Eat meat. Being vegetarian is stupid. Don't you know you're actually causing more animals to die by being vegetarian?). Because of how incredibly judgmental they are, compared with how a) socially uncomfortable I am, and b) how difficult it is for me already to be myself in public and to be emotionally open, I have an extremely hard time NOT being awkward, and quiet, and reserved, and closed off around them, because they make me feel awful about myself. If I say something, then it's the wrong thing. If I don't say anything, then there's something wrong with me, and I can hear people whispering as they leave about what the hell is wrong with her, anyway, no one else in the family is like that, there must be something wrong with her (or "there's nothing wrong with her at all, she's just whiny").
A couple of days ago, I made a joke on my cousin's Facebook wall about us sitting at the "black" table (because he, my brother, his sister and I are all half-black). My aunt responded with, "I'm sorry you feel that way, because no one in our family is racist", and my cousin posted, "I don't know about you, but I sit at the table with everybody else in our family. It's not our fault that you want nothing to do with us." I can't explain how badly this upset me. Even now, just remembering how I felt reading that, I'm starting to tear up, because nothing could be further from the truth. I desperately wish I could say that I was best friends with my cousin, that I talk to my grandmother every single day, that I had a fight with my dad and went and spent a weekend at my aunt's house. I wish so badly that I could say I was close with my family, but I'm not, and despite what my cousin said, it is their fault that it's like that. Well, not entirely - I have some emotional problems that make it very difficult for me to be open with people on a personal level - but them being so judgmental doesn't help any, and neither does the fact that I know that most of them do not understand my psychological problems, or even think that they EXIST, let alone that I have them. I want to be able to go there and feel like I won't be whispered about later for what I was wearing, my eating preferences and habits, my lifestyle, or a bad joke that I made, but I just don't know how to be myself around them, largely because I know that they don't approve of who I am. I know that nothing I do makes sense to them, because, well.. because they just don't know or understand me, and I have trouble believing that anybody could find value in me - because if my own family doesn't like me, how will anybody else?
Additionally, I called my mom crying about this problem a couple of days ago, and it was a relief because it was the first time I've ever really, REALLY opened up to her about a problem I was having, which felt good, because she told me that she wouldn't leave my side at the party so that I would feel more comfortable being there, but now I regret telling her. Today, she called me, and her solution for my awkwardness around my family is to make me spend MORE time with them: she is forcing me to have a birthday dinner with some of them (my birthday is on the 13th), and she isn't letting me bring my brother, Michael, who I explicitly told her was the only person I feel comfortable around at these parties, because I know he understands me and the issues I have regarding anxiety. So, not only if she forcing me to spend MORE time with them, but she is also making me do it without my one and only support system at any family function that I've ever been to, and I now really regret telling her any of this. I know I'm at adult and that I technically don't have to go if I don't want to, but when I initially said "no, I don't want to go", her response was, "Holly, that's not fair. Your grandmother is old, and she wants to spend time with you. I've already made reservations at a restaurant and it would be really unfair and selfish of you to not go." I don't think that I will be telling her anything like this in the future if this is her response to me finally opening up to her for the first time in almost 22 years. Reactions like hers are the reason why I'm so reluctant to tell anyone ANYTHING about myself: it always ends up backfiring.
Edit: I'm thinking I should just get really drunk like I did with Michael and Sheena last year at Christmas.. except that Michael can't even go this year because he has to work, so now I have to see them on the 13th and the 24th, and both with only my mom there to support me, whatever the fuck that means (because I know I'll just be sitting in a chair in the corner not saying anything, just like I did on Mother's Day when they guilted me into going).
I can't wait until I have a family of my own. Then I can fucking stop going to THEIR family reunions and pretending like they give a shit if I just drop dead or stop going one year. I will never bring Brandon around them. My Oma was married to the same man for over forty years and in all the times I can remember going to Christmas with them (over twenty years), the only person I ever saw say a single thing to him was my brother, and they treated my dad the same way. I hate how they all sit there pointing the finger at me, like I'm the one who's different, when they've already run four other people out of the fucking family before me because of the way they treat each other.