Feels like the hundredth time I've written about this. It probably is.
I hate casually perusing through the Facebooks of all the girls I used to know in high school, the ones who leave their profiles open so I can see their information, and their pictures - their engagements to their awesome fiances, how they're so happy with their perfect lives of school, and friends, and boyfriend(s). I hate how happy and normal everyone else seems to be, regular, functional twenty-year-olds, doing what twenty-year-olds should be doing. If I went into university straight from high school, I'd have been starting medication school this year. Like my cousin is. I think I'd give up anything to be able to go to school.
On the plus side, I finally got a prescription for my medication, and I'm going to start taking them tomorrow morning. I feel like I can do all the therapy in the world but if the panic isn't controlled, well.. maybe this is the ingredient that's been missing, since my decline coincided with our family no longer being able to afford my medication. I know he can't help it but there was a point when my dad started getting prescribed a lot more medication and it was like, really, we have to choose between my medication and his necessary medication, so it was a pretty easy choice (for me). I know he would have filled out mine before his, so I just stopped giving him prescriptions to fill out. Now that I have a drug card from ODSP, the medication is covered. Which I'm really, really, really happy about.
But yeah. I keep seeing all of the people I used to know getting engaged (or even married, or having kids), and it's like.. wow. It just kind of strikes home that like.. ugh. Whatever. I don't really want to go there or think about it or whatever. It just makes me upset that like.. for all of the intensity of our love and devotion to each other, we can't even be together. I can't even TALK to him. I hate seeing people take each other for granted. What if they couldn't see, or touch, or talk to the person they love? What if the only contact they had with them was a letter every six or eight or ten weeks? I remember when talking to him every single day for six hours a day wasn't enough anymore. Fuck, did I take that for granted. We took each other for granted. I've never felt the loss so keenly as when I see couples fighting over the dumbest things, or taking for granted being able to tell a joke, make eye contact, hold a hand.
Anyway. It's 4:43 AM and I'm rambling, and I hate not being asleep before the sun starts coming up, so I'm going to bed.
I wonder if he can see the moon, too.
On the plus side, I finally got a prescription for my medication, and I'm going to start taking them tomorrow morning. I feel like I can do all the therapy in the world but if the panic isn't controlled, well.. maybe this is the ingredient that's been missing, since my decline coincided with our family no longer being able to afford my medication. I know he can't help it but there was a point when my dad started getting prescribed a lot more medication and it was like, really, we have to choose between my medication and his necessary medication, so it was a pretty easy choice (for me). I know he would have filled out mine before his, so I just stopped giving him prescriptions to fill out. Now that I have a drug card from ODSP, the medication is covered. Which I'm really, really, really happy about.
But yeah. I keep seeing all of the people I used to know getting engaged (or even married, or having kids), and it's like.. wow. It just kind of strikes home that like.. ugh. Whatever. I don't really want to go there or think about it or whatever. It just makes me upset that like.. for all of the intensity of our love and devotion to each other, we can't even be together. I can't even TALK to him. I hate seeing people take each other for granted. What if they couldn't see, or touch, or talk to the person they love? What if the only contact they had with them was a letter every six or eight or ten weeks? I remember when talking to him every single day for six hours a day wasn't enough anymore. Fuck, did I take that for granted. We took each other for granted. I've never felt the loss so keenly as when I see couples fighting over the dumbest things, or taking for granted being able to tell a joke, make eye contact, hold a hand.
Anyway. It's 4:43 AM and I'm rambling, and I hate not being asleep before the sun starts coming up, so I'm going to bed.
I wonder if he can see the moon, too.