With a name like that, it's gotta be... something
When I cut open the package and it smelled vaguely fishy, I knew this was probably a bad idea.
But I tried the tofu shirataki noodles anyway.
I wish I had some better news to report. Unfortunately, I can only tell you that I have been lucky to keep down the few bites I ate an hour ago.
It's true about the stench. I expected them to smell like tofu. Instead, they smelled like fish. I looked this up online to make sure I hadn't just eaten tainted fake noodles, but I guess this happens a lot.
The package suggested rinsing and parboiling or microwaving. I am lazy. You all know this. I opted for the microwave. Perhaps I should have opted for the parboiling, but frankly, I didn't have a fucking clue what that even was. (I now know that it's partially boiling something, and I don't for the life of me understand why the package can't say "OR PARTIALLY BOIL".)
I did rinse them in a colander. A LOT. With a TON of hot water straight out of the tap to the point that the water and noodles were steaming.
I do not think this helped.
The package also suggested drying them off after heating. I blotted with a paper towel, microwaved, and then blotted some more.
I do not think this helped, either.
But I could have dealt with the weird smell on its own. I could've put tomato sauce, or fake butter and garlic, or pesto over the whole mess and masked the weird smell completely and I still don't think I would have had better luck eating them.
Because they feel AWFUL in your mouth. JUST AWFUL.
They are oddly tough. The only way I could get one to break was by chomping it in my teeth, and there was this odd millisecond every time I bit down where the noodle resisted my teeth. I imagine that this is probably what it would feel like if you were a vampire and bit down on someone's neck. These noodles have no give. You know how normal noodles will naturally fall apart if they are tangled with enough other noodles? Not these freak noodles. Nor do they stick to each other. THERE IS NOTHING NOODLE-LIKE ABOUT THEM.
I tried to make them more palatable by adding some soy sauce, but they don't suck up taste like normal noodles either, so I ended up with a chewy white blob on top of a teaspoon of soy sauce. My mom had the absolute best description, and I present it to you now: "It's like chewing snot."
After that, well, I just didn't have the stomach for them anymore, and downed five chocolate-chip granola bars for dinner instead. 500 calories, 15 grams of fat, versus calorie-free BOWL OF CHEWY SNOT THAT SMELLS LIKE FISH? NO CONTEST.
Maybe, some other day, I will try them again, and PARTIALLY BOIL THEM (parboiling is a STUPID word and it makes me angry for no good reason), and add some other actual items to the mix. Right now, though, I'm going to console myself that at least I didn't insist the whole family try a meal of them, like those tofu hotdogs.
But I tried the tofu shirataki noodles anyway.
I wish I had some better news to report. Unfortunately, I can only tell you that I have been lucky to keep down the few bites I ate an hour ago.
It's true about the stench. I expected them to smell like tofu. Instead, they smelled like fish. I looked this up online to make sure I hadn't just eaten tainted fake noodles, but I guess this happens a lot.
The package suggested rinsing and parboiling or microwaving. I am lazy. You all know this. I opted for the microwave. Perhaps I should have opted for the parboiling, but frankly, I didn't have a fucking clue what that even was. (I now know that it's partially boiling something, and I don't for the life of me understand why the package can't say "OR PARTIALLY BOIL".)
I did rinse them in a colander. A LOT. With a TON of hot water straight out of the tap to the point that the water and noodles were steaming.
I do not think this helped.
The package also suggested drying them off after heating. I blotted with a paper towel, microwaved, and then blotted some more.
I do not think this helped, either.
But I could have dealt with the weird smell on its own. I could've put tomato sauce, or fake butter and garlic, or pesto over the whole mess and masked the weird smell completely and I still don't think I would have had better luck eating them.
Because they feel AWFUL in your mouth. JUST AWFUL.
They are oddly tough. The only way I could get one to break was by chomping it in my teeth, and there was this odd millisecond every time I bit down where the noodle resisted my teeth. I imagine that this is probably what it would feel like if you were a vampire and bit down on someone's neck. These noodles have no give. You know how normal noodles will naturally fall apart if they are tangled with enough other noodles? Not these freak noodles. Nor do they stick to each other. THERE IS NOTHING NOODLE-LIKE ABOUT THEM.
I tried to make them more palatable by adding some soy sauce, but they don't suck up taste like normal noodles either, so I ended up with a chewy white blob on top of a teaspoon of soy sauce. My mom had the absolute best description, and I present it to you now: "It's like chewing snot."
After that, well, I just didn't have the stomach for them anymore, and downed five chocolate-chip granola bars for dinner instead. 500 calories, 15 grams of fat, versus calorie-free BOWL OF CHEWY SNOT THAT SMELLS LIKE FISH? NO CONTEST.
Maybe, some other day, I will try them again, and PARTIALLY BOIL THEM (parboiling is a STUPID word and it makes me angry for no good reason), and add some other actual items to the mix. Right now, though, I'm going to console myself that at least I didn't insist the whole family try a meal of them, like those tofu hotdogs.