Stuffs
Made a fabulous discovery yesterday evening when P and I wandered into the Hawker IGA to pick up some milk - they have Movenpick (http://www.moevenpick-icecream.com/en/home.html) ice-cream!!! I first came across this when I was in Switzerland years ago and it's just the best ice-cream there is imho. They have a bunch of flavours at the Hawker supermarket, we chose the tiramisu. And it was a proper tiramisu, just done with ice-cream! Mmm, coffee and booze! Yum!
Also last night we watched both Clueless and Top Secret, neither of which I had seen before (yeah, I know...) Hilarious and very much cheered me up which was exactly what was needed.
Had big and serious discussions yesterday afternoon with myrthe and then P as well when he got home about certain things.
I've come to realise that I have an overblown and ridiculous sense of duty and obligation and will do things even if it's to my own detriment as long as it's helping other people that I care about (yes, it's a bit martyr'y if you like.) I'm terrible at looking after my own needs/ mental health/ whatever you want to call it and can become unwontedly self-destructive. I have a very hard time accepting that other people care about me and will do everything I can to dismiss that they do or tell them not to. And, as for letting them take care of me or help me... hahahaha - you do jest. I both subconsciously and consciously work to push people that may care about me away, especially people to whom I have romantic feelings. I will be cold and distant as it fits my image of myself and it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy/ pattern when these people do move away. Much easier to become a solitary hermit type.
So, knowing all of this about myself, why can't I just stop doing it? Well, it's just not that easy to break years of conditioning and patterns. I work at it, but sometimes it's much easier to let the patterns win and I can see me doing it right now with certain people in my life. I will lose them and deservedly so if I keep on this way. Note, that I don't want to lose them, but, subconsciously, it's what I believe I deserve.
Also last night we watched both Clueless and Top Secret, neither of which I had seen before (yeah, I know...) Hilarious and very much cheered me up which was exactly what was needed.
Had big and serious discussions yesterday afternoon with myrthe and then P as well when he got home about certain things.
I've come to realise that I have an overblown and ridiculous sense of duty and obligation and will do things even if it's to my own detriment as long as it's helping other people that I care about (yes, it's a bit martyr'y if you like.) I'm terrible at looking after my own needs/ mental health/ whatever you want to call it and can become unwontedly self-destructive. I have a very hard time accepting that other people care about me and will do everything I can to dismiss that they do or tell them not to. And, as for letting them take care of me or help me... hahahaha - you do jest. I both subconsciously and consciously work to push people that may care about me away, especially people to whom I have romantic feelings. I will be cold and distant as it fits my image of myself and it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy/ pattern when these people do move away. Much easier to become a solitary hermit type.
So, knowing all of this about myself, why can't I just stop doing it? Well, it's just not that easy to break years of conditioning and patterns. I work at it, but sometimes it's much easier to let the patterns win and I can see me doing it right now with certain people in my life. I will lose them and deservedly so if I keep on this way. Note, that I don't want to lose them, but, subconsciously, it's what I believe I deserve.