Life and thoughts
It has been a very long time since I posted on here. I don't know why I got away from it. I've been thinking a lot about how my counselor wants me to write my thoughts down in a journal. I was writing them down but I got away from that too. I told her that day that I had this LJ account that I could post them in. She said even if I put them here, that it would help my progress.
I don't even know where to start here. I have so many thoughts and feelings going on inside my head. A lot of them are questions I feel I want an answer to, but am afraid to ask. I know if I ask, it may not be a good thing, but I don't know if its curiosity or something I feel I need to let it go. I know the possibility that the answers could hurt me, so why bother? I just want to let go of the things that have happened to me in the last few months and move forward with the good things in my life with my family.
Today hasn't exactly been a good day, I have said some really horrible things to people today, but it seems more and more that I may be finding who I truly am and ridding myself of the bad in my life. It also seems as if I can't stand the drama, the arguing, and the way I treat people when I get angry. It seems more and more that when I treat people poorly I feel a lot of remorse after. I didn't used to be that way. I used to be able to hurt people and not even care. I guess maybe that is a good thing. I know I have a lot of hurt and anger that I need to let go of. I think I know where a lot of that comes from now, and the person I should be projecting my anger and resentment at instead of at my mother. I have come to realize a lot of things the more I sit and actually let my thoughts go. I know I also need to work on trusting Darius a lot more than what I have been. I know that instead of letting things control my mind with him, I do need to stop and think a lot more about how and what I say to him.
Otherwise life is going ok for us. I just need to keep writing out my thoughts and letting my mind wander instead of letting things build inside my mind. I need to learn to let go and deal with things before they take over me again. I keep telling myself "NO MORE!!". No more will I let myself be put down and hurt by others, like I've grown up doing. That is what made me who I am today. The broken person who lost herself along the way. The person who forgot who she really was inside. Well now is the time for me!! Now is the time to forget about the people who have made me this angry and hurt person, to better myself. Now is the time to move forward and be a better woman and mother for Darius and Mally!! It's time to find the real me. The me that was confident and didn't care what others thought. The me who I really am!!
I don't even know where to start here. I have so many thoughts and feelings going on inside my head. A lot of them are questions I feel I want an answer to, but am afraid to ask. I know if I ask, it may not be a good thing, but I don't know if its curiosity or something I feel I need to let it go. I know the possibility that the answers could hurt me, so why bother? I just want to let go of the things that have happened to me in the last few months and move forward with the good things in my life with my family.
Today hasn't exactly been a good day, I have said some really horrible things to people today, but it seems more and more that I may be finding who I truly am and ridding myself of the bad in my life. It also seems as if I can't stand the drama, the arguing, and the way I treat people when I get angry. It seems more and more that when I treat people poorly I feel a lot of remorse after. I didn't used to be that way. I used to be able to hurt people and not even care. I guess maybe that is a good thing. I know I have a lot of hurt and anger that I need to let go of. I think I know where a lot of that comes from now, and the person I should be projecting my anger and resentment at instead of at my mother. I have come to realize a lot of things the more I sit and actually let my thoughts go. I know I also need to work on trusting Darius a lot more than what I have been. I know that instead of letting things control my mind with him, I do need to stop and think a lot more about how and what I say to him.
Otherwise life is going ok for us. I just need to keep writing out my thoughts and letting my mind wander instead of letting things build inside my mind. I need to learn to let go and deal with things before they take over me again. I keep telling myself "NO MORE!!". No more will I let myself be put down and hurt by others, like I've grown up doing. That is what made me who I am today. The broken person who lost herself along the way. The person who forgot who she really was inside. Well now is the time for me!! Now is the time to forget about the people who have made me this angry and hurt person, to better myself. Now is the time to move forward and be a better woman and mother for Darius and Mally!! It's time to find the real me. The me that was confident and didn't care what others thought. The me who I really am!!