On dropping heavy objects and loss
[Private post]
I know I can be stubborn, and I know that sometimes I get a little possessive. I know Lex can take care of himself, but when I think about the fact that he could have been hurt much worse and I wasn't there to help him, I get upset all over again. I've wanted to go see him about a dozen times over the past week, but each time I start to head in the direction of the mansion, I just can't do it.
I still don't know what to do. Maybe if I just apologized -- that would be enough to put things right. We were both pretty angry that day, but I guess I was worse. I shouldn't have gone off on him like that. I just can't help it. I get so scared that one day when I'm not there for him, it will be the day something even worse happens. I don't even want to think about what I'd do if it was someone who'd been altered by the meteors who got to him.
I want to go see Lex today. Even if I don't figure out what to say by the end of the school day, I still plan at least to stop in and let Lex know that I'm thinking of him. I was going to call him, but that's way too impersonal. This has to done in person, even if he tells me to go to hell. He probably won't. I know he won't, or maybe he will. I haven't called or stopped in or made any overtures to speak to him.
The past week has been hell. Ever since that fight with Lex, I haven't been able to concentrate on anything. I dropped the tractor on my head. I lost my balance and I wasn't paying close attention. My dad was really angry. Once he got over the shock of seeing me get crushed, he chewed me out for letting my concentration slip. I wasn't hurt at all, but he said it was still shocking to watch. I told him why I was so distracted. He wasn't thrilled that it was about Lex, but he listened, and he even gave me some reasonable advice. At least it seemed reasonable at the time. Dad said I should really figure out what it is I want to say to Lex and how I want to say it, but I can't wait anymore.
My schoolwork is suffering, and if I drop that tractor again, I just know my dad will find some way to punish me. I don't blame him. That thing is really expensive.
I know I can be stubborn, and I know that sometimes I get a little possessive. I know Lex can take care of himself, but when I think about the fact that he could have been hurt much worse and I wasn't there to help him, I get upset all over again. I've wanted to go see him about a dozen times over the past week, but each time I start to head in the direction of the mansion, I just can't do it.
I still don't know what to do. Maybe if I just apologized -- that would be enough to put things right. We were both pretty angry that day, but I guess I was worse. I shouldn't have gone off on him like that. I just can't help it. I get so scared that one day when I'm not there for him, it will be the day something even worse happens. I don't even want to think about what I'd do if it was someone who'd been altered by the meteors who got to him.
I want to go see Lex today. Even if I don't figure out what to say by the end of the school day, I still plan at least to stop in and let Lex know that I'm thinking of him. I was going to call him, but that's way too impersonal. This has to done in person, even if he tells me to go to hell. He probably won't. I know he won't, or maybe he will. I haven't called or stopped in or made any overtures to speak to him.
The past week has been hell. Ever since that fight with Lex, I haven't been able to concentrate on anything. I dropped the tractor on my head. I lost my balance and I wasn't paying close attention. My dad was really angry. Once he got over the shock of seeing me get crushed, he chewed me out for letting my concentration slip. I wasn't hurt at all, but he said it was still shocking to watch. I told him why I was so distracted. He wasn't thrilled that it was about Lex, but he listened, and he even gave me some reasonable advice. At least it seemed reasonable at the time. Dad said I should really figure out what it is I want to say to Lex and how I want to say it, but I can't wait anymore.
My schoolwork is suffering, and if I drop that tractor again, I just know my dad will find some way to punish me. I don't blame him. That thing is really expensive.