The Secret to My Failure.
This is really a note to myself, to the future me.... ...[sigh] god damnnit I'm doing it again. Every time I set out to do something I project myself in the future, like.. "what will this mean for me and/or the world if I accomplish this?". This may seem like the responsible and accountable thing to do, but for it fills me with anxiety. It may be my problem, you know THE PROBLEM that stops me from "doing things", that I'm thinking about winning instead of keeping my head in the game. I mean there is a school of thought that is based on visualizing what you want it comes true, but they never mentioned when not to do it.
Whenever I feel good about something that it may actually lead somewhere wonderful, it all falls apart the second I start thinking about how much money this will make me, or how much acceptance I will be given. That leads me to feel like I don't deserve it, that I'm not good enough, that I'm a fraud when people actually like it or that I won't do a good enough job to deserve to be paid, let alone get recognition. I've rejected these things in theory, I understand the corruption of money and fame when it comes to art, expression, and craft.. and it's catalysts and advantages for them. Even now, I'm thinking about what people will think, how they respond with something positive sounding, and I'll most likely defensively shoot it down.. and how I now need to preemptively strike to better [over] explain myself just to get my point across, because I know I'm already screwing this up, and whoever reads this [i.e. the two or three people still on livejournal or random stranger that was looking for some sort of weird fetish porn and somehow stumble on this.. (sorry BTW)].. that there is no way I can fully explain myself, because I don't really know this at all.. so how can anyone understand this more than I do? Sure we all go through shit like this, but I seem to be one of the few that can't get over that hump that seems pretty effortless fore everyone else. ... [inhale]
Still the future me, always goes to... "What will people think?" Unfortunately it doesn't matter what they think, I can only find the negatives to any and all outcomes. Which ultimately my problem, that even if I get everything I ever wanted, the idea that it's always been there scares the hell out me, even though I have more or less known that, it scares me to be right and worse still that I only did one good thing, and got lucky.. which isn't all that different from the life I have now.. everything I have is because of luck and no hard work. So why work hard, and not get anything in return if everything is govern by chaos and probability? For the illusion or delusion of control? and If I work hard and get nothing.. when my luck runs out after I work hard, what would be the point..? To say.. "well at least I worked hard for nothing". There will be no sense of accomplishment or self respect for working hard and failing, and I don't believe for one second that it's "better to try and fail, than to never have tried at all". Closure still to that problem, I think I'd rather live a life of complacency than agency, if the outcomes mean the same.
I don't know, I need to think about this shit some more.
Whenever I feel good about something that it may actually lead somewhere wonderful, it all falls apart the second I start thinking about how much money this will make me, or how much acceptance I will be given. That leads me to feel like I don't deserve it, that I'm not good enough, that I'm a fraud when people actually like it or that I won't do a good enough job to deserve to be paid, let alone get recognition. I've rejected these things in theory, I understand the corruption of money and fame when it comes to art, expression, and craft.. and it's catalysts and advantages for them. Even now, I'm thinking about what people will think, how they respond with something positive sounding, and I'll most likely defensively shoot it down.. and how I now need to preemptively strike to better [over] explain myself just to get my point across, because I know I'm already screwing this up, and whoever reads this [i.e. the two or three people still on livejournal or random stranger that was looking for some sort of weird fetish porn and somehow stumble on this.. (sorry BTW)].. that there is no way I can fully explain myself, because I don't really know this at all.. so how can anyone understand this more than I do? Sure we all go through shit like this, but I seem to be one of the few that can't get over that hump that seems pretty effortless fore everyone else. ... [inhale]
Still the future me, always goes to... "What will people think?" Unfortunately it doesn't matter what they think, I can only find the negatives to any and all outcomes. Which ultimately my problem, that even if I get everything I ever wanted, the idea that it's always been there scares the hell out me, even though I have more or less known that, it scares me to be right and worse still that I only did one good thing, and got lucky.. which isn't all that different from the life I have now.. everything I have is because of luck and no hard work. So why work hard, and not get anything in return if everything is govern by chaos and probability? For the illusion or delusion of control? and If I work hard and get nothing.. when my luck runs out after I work hard, what would be the point..? To say.. "well at least I worked hard for nothing". There will be no sense of accomplishment or self respect for working hard and failing, and I don't believe for one second that it's "better to try and fail, than to never have tried at all". Closure still to that problem, I think I'd rather live a life of complacency than agency, if the outcomes mean the same.
I don't know, I need to think about this shit some more.