looking at my reflection again ......
hmm so the last week has been pretty good ill be 17 in a month and well u kno how i hate my birthday but ive been thinking a lot and ive relized a few things like how much ive changed in the past year .... no complaints really im still the same person at least i think so. others may disagree i dont kno im happy about my friendships latley well somewhat... last year i was lucky if i hung out with lemay once every couple weeks now i get to hang out with her a lot more which im happy about i dunno everything is so different i never thought id be where i am right now if you had told me id have a gf by 10th grade well... i would have hit you in the face lol theres not a lot that makes me unhappy anymore its like all the bad has been erased from my mind but there are some things that will always live in me and eat away at me once in a while i cant help it ... its how i will be theres a certain pain that will always be in me and i relized that having perminent pain isnt a bad thing in fact it keeps you going and keeps you from fully giving up ...but then somtimes it is enough of a reason to give in just let ur demons take you... i thought i would let mine take me (sounds emo i kno) but fuck it i dont feel anger anymore its weird i feel like a different person without it. i look at myself in my reflection now and its like wow theres a person there b4 i didnt think there was b/c i couldnt help the ones i loved and cared about and i couldnt fix things for them and i couldnt fix myself. now i still am angered by the fact that i still have no power that i can fix things for them but i can still try in ways i kno how to and hope it works... i dont kno just random blabbing im doing right now my head is in its own world and i just feel liek wrting about it. im ok lately the news i found out about my aunt is always in my head reminding me what is goin to happen and it sucks so bad ..everyone tells me that maybe the worst wont happen and i hope it doesnt but i dont want to make myself believe a false hope i will hope for it but ya kno praying for things never got me anywhere i prayed for my grandfathers and i prayed for ..... well no need to start that ....anyway i dont believe in "praying" anymore the only way i ever made somthing happen was to do it myself and thats what saved me from a lot of pain in the end.... but i cant go and fix things for my aunt and my cousins so i cant make it happen and it hurts a lot but if she goes then maybe somthing good will come out of it .... i dont see what but tryin to be postive ppl my mom says i need to do more of it lol but ya its 10:08pm and i cant wait for skool tomorrow ...i have a lot of stuff to plan this week so goodnight everybody