an act of balance, blown over by the oceans breeze
to the left of me lies a boquet of flowers that i do not deserve
in my drawer lies three letters of forgiveness when i should be the one apologizing
how could i be so selfish? i guess i can contribute it to my own jealous shortcomings, but i cant help this. i expect to much from others, because i expect so much from myself.
I just got home from senior week, and man what a crazy week it has been. Started it off terribly severing what fractured relationship i had with one of the most gorgeous girls i have met in my life, and it is all my fault. But i wasnt goign to let this ruin my week, oooo no, i was goign to have fun.
well the ride down sucked some massive dick, nolan and i argued the length of the trip, and we got lost a number of times. but we made it down, and thats all that mattered.
drove around for an hour looking for a parking space, found one about 5 blocks away, fuck you ocean city tow zones.
upon entering the room, me nolan and liz are greeted with this
"You guys are the dumbest bunch of fuckers i know" or something to taht effect. apparently they thought we had went to the front desk with our bags asking for their rooms number, thus comprimising their rooms since we were registered roomates. of course we are not dipshits, and did nothing of the kind, so it was all cleared up.
natalie and sara came over pretty much as soon as i got there. natalie was sick, too much sun she told me, which ws true, but mixing it was too much drinking compounds it. so i laid with her on the bed, her miserable, me wishing i coudl hold her. out of nowhere she flips out and deciedes to go back to her place. i run out telling her im goign to walk her home, and she refuses. ends up having to yell at me. i didnt understand till later, she didnt want me to see her drunk...more of this later. matt told me things were going to be great this week with me and her, he was really sorry that they didnt turn out that way.
the afternoon was spent playing video games and dicking around. was alot of fun, probably had the funniest group of kids in one room there.
i really don't remeber alot of what happened this week, not because i was drunk, i don't drink at all, but because my head was in a constant swirl, which happens to me when there are too many people, to much happening.
we all eventually made our way down to the boardwalk, which is what you do at ocean city during senior week. you grab a spot on the wall, form a clique, and cause shit. 95% of the time, people were super cool, which honestly suprised me, and did throughout the week. random hellos and conversations with guys who i thought wouldve fucked with me. but then theres the 5% of the time when people were dicks, and that can overshadow alot unfortunatly. and my group for the most part were dicks to people. everyone for the most part was pretty wasted on tuesday, sep for me matt nolan, and maybe a few more.
i have become so intensly disgusted with alcholism over this past week. people who are normally quiet, sweet, amazing turning into loud rude and pathetic. beautiful girls becoming sluts. kind hearted guys causing needless fights. im glad i have stayed away from that, and plan on never returning to taht state of mind where i need to do things to feel included. i feel better about myself for it, and honestly, i think people respect me more for it. everyone was generally cool about me being sober, and i was fine with playing an adult. the girls there worried me to fucking much; and so did the guys, everyone was in a fighting mood, but our school is so small. every other school the guys are huge, and wouldve annihalted our school if anything wouldve went down.
natalie met this kid ealier in the week, and he came down to hang out with her. thats fine, im not going to get between that, just because i choose not to hit on girls doenst mean i can be jealous that she has fun. but she was fucking wasted, and this guy obvioulsy wanted what every other fucking disgusting fucking pussy guy wanted down there. and she left herself open, telling him she wanted to look at the stars on the beach/typical natalie, staring at the stars, and is a great thing to do down on the beach. me and sara were mildly worried at her, and we went to talk about things while walking on the beach. but that was utterly ruined when every ten steps drunked couples are fucking there right on the beach. flesh flapping on the sand in not dim enough light sand. my heart ripped in a thousand places as i looked for natalies face, and i didnt see it, and not trusting her, i feel like a dick. but i coudve thrown up just thinking about it, and when she came back later in the night with him, all i could think about was killing the guy. disappointed in her, i first tried to be mad, but i couldnt, she didnt nothing wrong, handled herself, and things were ok. but i think with that one look, i spoiled waht coudl have been the best week of my life.
all in all however, tuesday was ok, i think, i dont really remeber. i think i had fun, i got annoyed by the end though with the drunked rages. but then everyone headed to bed, and i went back to the car to get my guitar. headed to the beach and had a midnight jam with myself and my old friend the twilight ocean. i headed back to my room to put the wooden magic back and to go for a walk.
weeks goal:not sleep the entire time.
i think i couldve made it as well, but things proved to get in the way, and i only made it around 50 hours. really wanted to see some naturaul hallucinatations.
while walking back i ran into some of the school sitting on the boardwalk just talking. they intercepted me and persuaded me to play for them. i hate doing stuff like that, but its cool, they appreicated it, and i wanted to play more anyways. the great part was everyone was chill while i played, people talked calmly and nobody got heated. i just realized that now.
anyways i got sick of playing, took the guitar back up, and came back to watch the sunrise. god i wish i had someone to watch it with, instead i sat with the same drunk faces. the clouds blocked the horizon, tainting mornings melting colors, dissapointing the group. they headed to bed, and i went for a walk. and a great walk it was. saw jesse, enjoyin the sun as it struggled for attention, holding some random girl, looking really happy. said hi, went on my way. saw pedja, holding a random girl, appreciating the fucking beuatiful scene the sun made is it broke through the top of the clouds. i didnt even notice it consciously until he pointed it out. pedja's aweseome, we connect alot, but were not very tight. thats fine though, what we have/had is/was great. walked back, and went to get my book, Jack Keoruac, On the Road. sat on the boardwalk watching the morning develope. a fishing boat drifted lazily along the coast while the sun foreshawdowed overbearing heat. at 7 am however, it was fucking perfect. the breeze was incredible, the sun at perfect positiion, the solitude of the moment is one that i live for. it was the happiest i was all week, and have been in a long time. im moving to the ocean.
gradually people began to awake on wednsday, mainly old people enjoying the slight space of soberness around the beach. i love beeing up early like that, the most connected i have been with myself in too long. went back to the room, but noone was up. those bitches didnt wake up until 2, even matt, and he usually wakes up insanly early. when they finally got up, the day progressed as the last had. 4-5 zach came back from french's, and we played some video games/hung out in the room. natalie came over and apologized for the night before, she didnt have to, but wanted things to be good. and they were, it was good to see her in the morning.
as this day unfolded however, i discovered how unchanged i have remained, how pathetic i am, and how much i still love her. i thought i could handle seeing her drunk, seeing her sweet innocent personality tainted by her free spirit. and on tuesday, i coudl handle it, i was annoyed, espcially at her not letting me look after her at all, but on wednsday the pot spilled over.
flirting with a friend is fine, because i put no weight into it. i was just jealous with her lack of attention to me, but when im sober and everyone else is drunk and actoing crazy, shes going to be attracted towards that more. i became more annoyed and jealous as the night wore on, and became the same sullen dick that i always become when that happens. i promised myself i wouldnt, and that i woudl be understanding, i knew she had this side before i came down, but it became to much for me.
i went for a walk to calm my nerves, which didnt work at all, and things only got worse when i returned. seeing her all over someone she hardly knew, a friend of mine who is a notroious womanizer, my head spun. i kept flicking her off, i dont think she noticed it though. pedja pulled me aside to talk to me about it, because he was getting pissed off to, being her best friend, and here shes said like 10 words to her the whoel week, while beeing all over random guys. but he told me not to let it ruin my week, he wasnt giogn to let it ruin his, so we started a game of soccer on the beach. and there she is, on the beach with that fucking guy. now im pissed, but i can deal. but when i look back, shes kissing him, and i cant take that. everything i have felt for her for the past 2 years rushed through my head, and i snapped, running over there yelling words i think i would take back, but i had to say. ran out of there, grabbed my board on a mission to end my life. that didnt work, couldnt find any good spots. so i was walking on the board walk when these random guys start talking shit about me skating from their roofs. i say shit back, he asks if i want to wait for him to come down stairs to say it to him, i saif fuck you pussy come down here and he runs to his door. some guy by the door starts sayin, you dont want to do this, walk away man. he then comes over and says that him and his friends got into a fight with them last night, turned into a 40v40 person brawl, those guys are just insanly drunk and that unless i want to fight all of them and get swooped i should keep going. i thanked him for the warning decieded to get the hell out of there, and ended going back to the boardwalk for some reason. im a fucking idiot.
sitting there feeling sorry for myself...doyle and sara show up. they all feel bad for me, ask me to go withthem to get somethign to eat. decided it was for the best, needed to not think about it. walked with doyle, and we takled. which is funny because me and mike never talk, even though we hang out all the time. it was good too. made it to the place, hung out for awhile, had some laughs. walked back with matt and sara, got stopped every 20 seconds by random drunks trying to ride my board. funny, alcholol is a severve motor skill disabler, hampers balance.
got back to the same hang out spot, by the clock on 18th. natalie is on the lifegaurd chair with eric and ashley and i thik someone else. i felt like shit still, complete shit. sara and i went to sit on the beach and watch the sunrise. and all our emotions came out. i love sara so much, the sister i never had, a compelte best friend. cant be sorry enough we werent this close for longerer.
you see sara has an almost parrallel relationship to mine, an unrequited love deal, and she is what gets me through this, and i help her get through jarod. she deseveres the best, is the perfecct girlfriend, perfect neighbor, she saved my week, saved me from killing myself.
matt then came over to sit with us, feeling like shit as well. matt has an equally parrellel relationship that was fucked up with this week as well, and he was depressed all week abou it. matts the greatest guy i know, probably person. he deserves her because he deserves any girl he desires.
we just all sat and talked about our tragically misplaced love lives, throwing our hearts away to true love, and having it fall into distant hands. went back to sit on the benches after the sun rose. everyone else on the beach walks back as well then. eric walks over to me, asking if im mad at him.
i opned up a part of me that i keep locked inside, and im sorry for what i said to him. i have been able to maintain my control on it only because of her. she is makes me want to be a better person, and is the reason i have changed so much in the past few years. but the wound was to deep, and i lost my head, threatening his life, and severeing our friendship. he was drunk as hell, i was drunk on rage, thankfully matt was there to hold him away from me, i would have done something i deepfully wouldve regretted. im so sorry for this. i heard natalie screaming in the backround that it was her who deserved this, not eric, and i felt my heart explode, i died a thousand times in an instant. sara holding me back, crying for me to please stop, people yelling to figure out what was happeneing.sara convinced me to walk home with her
the walk back to her place was silent, i couldnt speak, she didnt know waht to say. but her being there was all that mattered. pulled out her coach bed, and laid next to her. she fell fast asleep, must ahve been complelty drained. i contemplated leaving, i wanted to keep my no sleep vow. but so much was on my mind that there was absolutly nothing to think about. its the weirdest sensation i have ever felt, the one time i should feel the most, and i feel nothing. so i curled up next to sara and feel into a deeper sleep then i think i have ever had.
she awoke around 12, was careful not to wake me, i was up already anyways though, just played dead. she sat in the chair next to my sleeping figure, pulled out her journal and wrote for awhile. i decieded it was time for me to get up, fake yawned, and saw her smile. went to leave, hugged for waht seemed liek an hour, but didnt feel long enough, and walked home. she gave me the note she had wrote me, told me not to read it until i reached the boardwalk. apologizing to me for not being able to speak the night before, for what had happened, for everything. yet she had nothign to apologize for, she did excatly what i needed her to, and i lvoe her for that.
reached home, tried to get in but the cleaning lady was at work, so i sat by myself on the boardwalk. random friends stopped by and chatted. when i finally got into my room, no lights were on, but i thought i saw eric int he room, so i contemplated just leaving. but decieded against it, and fell asleep on the floor with no pillows or blankets. i was fucking exhasuted.
the morning went alogn weird. me and eric ignored each other, which was good, nothing cross was said, just pretened neither one of us was there. 4-5 came back, all of us hung out in the room for awhile. sara eventually came back over, i dont remeber if we all went out and did something, or if we all just stayed in the room. me and appletree spent the night walking the boardwalk along. checking out random jewlery stores, an aweseome painting store and hitting up the bookstore. dindt have my kawabata, so i just got a blank book from there.
i think im giong to write a book this summer, the insparation is already written on the first few pages.
got some ice cream, even though it was intensly windy outside. but getting ice cream on the boardwalk at the beach just feels so right. i felt like i was in the movie Big while walking on that thing. we made our way back to my room, she said that honestly, she really just wanted to lie around and watch a movie. got there cockblocking colin on his girlfriend, (must have happened to him at least 10 times this week), but we didnt care, we wanted to watch a god damn movie. so the put the blind up, and we lay down for a pleasant evening. didnt really watch anything, Searching for Bobby Fischer came on, which is a great movie, but we ddint finish it. Sara eventually fell asleep, so i turned off the tv and wrapped her up in a blanket. lied beside her and wished i could fall asleep. i tossed and turned the entire night, i have no clue why. i wanted to be held desperatly, espiacally with her next to me, but she was asleep, and it would have been to weird anyways.
eric came back to the room in the middle of the night, with andy b, ashley m and natalie. they all came in excpet natalie, who i heard in the backround saying she should go, that she didnt think i wanted to talk to her now, and that she didnt deserve to talk to me.i wanted to jump up and hold, her, tell her everything was ok, tha tiw as sorry. but i couldnt make myself do it. i ended up not talking to her for the rest of the week. im sure she was suprised to see my sleeping next to her best friend as well.
god damn that night turned into one of the funniest nights of my life though. everyone came back around 4 30, with dructor drunk as hell. toochi was struggling for a place to sleep, and was so funny. sean horner got locked out of his room, so they let him stay with us, and toochi proceeded to force himself in between him and eric on the sofa bed. eventually he got up after wakening to 2 dicks against his hips. dructor was passed out on the floor, and toochi tried to steal his pillow, but woke him up in the process...bad move. the drunken idoit went on for at least an hour, non stop, rambling, and saying the funniest shit. the wall of quotes gained at least 5 quotes that night.
woke up in the morning next to applebee, and walked her home after sitting in the room for awhile. it was a lonely, but much needed walk home then. didnt do much on friday, just hung around, rained most of the day, pretty depressing. at night some randon people burst into our room asking for some boston cremes. hahaha suckers. they then asked me to play guitar for them, for some reason. but after that, i remebered i had brought some cd's down to sell at the beach. and we decieded to go down the boardwalk in the pouring rain and sell cds on our way to the skee ball machine. eric proved to be quite the promoter/merchandice salesmen, and we got rid of the handful i grabbed quickly. ended up at pete collelo's house, which was pretty weak, hung out with timmy and ryan. it was right next to natalies room, i was dieing to talk to her, but didnt feel i could, or should. she wasnt home anyways. all of us went back to the spinnagers then on the drunk bus. met up with todd shaeffer and michael doyle. todd your a crack fiend. eric, compellty drunk, called me over to sit next to him. he apologized for what he did, said he was complety drunk when he did it, it didnt mean anything, he didnt know how i felt about her, otherwise he wouldnve never done it. said he felt like complete shit, and had spent the whoel day trying to figure out how to apolgize. said he was sorry it took him getting drunk to be able to do it, but that even though he was, he really meant it. and i was glad, glad to be able to put it behind us, to move on in life. the things i said wernet said lightly, and i meant them when i said them, but idontknow.
i stayed in the room, i had to get up early the next day, while everyone else went back out. we cockblocked colin again, terribly. they told me there was a suprise in the book i bought. when everyone left, i opened it up to find that sara and natalie had come to see me tonight (natalie comoplet sober for the past two days, god how i wish i couldve spent them with her instead of being a stubborn dickhead) and since i wanst there, colin suggested they write me their notes in the book. sara's was brief, just explain that she coulndt bear not talking to natalie, and that they wre good again, best friends, and that she wanted to thank me for spending the past 2 days with her. natalies note tore me apart, so much being said, yet her holding back. i cant believe i could hurt her so much with this, and i am a fucking dick for ruining her week with this. but there are 2 things i need her to erase in that letter, i plan on going to her house tonight.
she signed it i love you, the first time she told me that, and i cried like a little child. it took all i had not to run out again in the pouring rain to her house, and regret not doing it now. but i think it was for the best..i hope so at least. i didnt sleep that night...
life is changing so fast, and so our feelings, our thoughts. but one will always stay the same, and i hope she knows this. this week was one of the best, and one of the worst of my life, and brian, i have no idea what word we can use to describe it. paradox isnt an emotion, but its what i feel.
in my drawer lies three letters of forgiveness when i should be the one apologizing
how could i be so selfish? i guess i can contribute it to my own jealous shortcomings, but i cant help this. i expect to much from others, because i expect so much from myself.
I just got home from senior week, and man what a crazy week it has been. Started it off terribly severing what fractured relationship i had with one of the most gorgeous girls i have met in my life, and it is all my fault. But i wasnt goign to let this ruin my week, oooo no, i was goign to have fun.
well the ride down sucked some massive dick, nolan and i argued the length of the trip, and we got lost a number of times. but we made it down, and thats all that mattered.
drove around for an hour looking for a parking space, found one about 5 blocks away, fuck you ocean city tow zones.
upon entering the room, me nolan and liz are greeted with this
"You guys are the dumbest bunch of fuckers i know" or something to taht effect. apparently they thought we had went to the front desk with our bags asking for their rooms number, thus comprimising their rooms since we were registered roomates. of course we are not dipshits, and did nothing of the kind, so it was all cleared up.
natalie and sara came over pretty much as soon as i got there. natalie was sick, too much sun she told me, which ws true, but mixing it was too much drinking compounds it. so i laid with her on the bed, her miserable, me wishing i coudl hold her. out of nowhere she flips out and deciedes to go back to her place. i run out telling her im goign to walk her home, and she refuses. ends up having to yell at me. i didnt understand till later, she didnt want me to see her drunk...more of this later. matt told me things were going to be great this week with me and her, he was really sorry that they didnt turn out that way.
the afternoon was spent playing video games and dicking around. was alot of fun, probably had the funniest group of kids in one room there.
i really don't remeber alot of what happened this week, not because i was drunk, i don't drink at all, but because my head was in a constant swirl, which happens to me when there are too many people, to much happening.
we all eventually made our way down to the boardwalk, which is what you do at ocean city during senior week. you grab a spot on the wall, form a clique, and cause shit. 95% of the time, people were super cool, which honestly suprised me, and did throughout the week. random hellos and conversations with guys who i thought wouldve fucked with me. but then theres the 5% of the time when people were dicks, and that can overshadow alot unfortunatly. and my group for the most part were dicks to people. everyone for the most part was pretty wasted on tuesday, sep for me matt nolan, and maybe a few more.
i have become so intensly disgusted with alcholism over this past week. people who are normally quiet, sweet, amazing turning into loud rude and pathetic. beautiful girls becoming sluts. kind hearted guys causing needless fights. im glad i have stayed away from that, and plan on never returning to taht state of mind where i need to do things to feel included. i feel better about myself for it, and honestly, i think people respect me more for it. everyone was generally cool about me being sober, and i was fine with playing an adult. the girls there worried me to fucking much; and so did the guys, everyone was in a fighting mood, but our school is so small. every other school the guys are huge, and wouldve annihalted our school if anything wouldve went down.
natalie met this kid ealier in the week, and he came down to hang out with her. thats fine, im not going to get between that, just because i choose not to hit on girls doenst mean i can be jealous that she has fun. but she was fucking wasted, and this guy obvioulsy wanted what every other fucking disgusting fucking pussy guy wanted down there. and she left herself open, telling him she wanted to look at the stars on the beach/typical natalie, staring at the stars, and is a great thing to do down on the beach. me and sara were mildly worried at her, and we went to talk about things while walking on the beach. but that was utterly ruined when every ten steps drunked couples are fucking there right on the beach. flesh flapping on the sand in not dim enough light sand. my heart ripped in a thousand places as i looked for natalies face, and i didnt see it, and not trusting her, i feel like a dick. but i coudve thrown up just thinking about it, and when she came back later in the night with him, all i could think about was killing the guy. disappointed in her, i first tried to be mad, but i couldnt, she didnt nothing wrong, handled herself, and things were ok. but i think with that one look, i spoiled waht coudl have been the best week of my life.
all in all however, tuesday was ok, i think, i dont really remeber. i think i had fun, i got annoyed by the end though with the drunked rages. but then everyone headed to bed, and i went back to the car to get my guitar. headed to the beach and had a midnight jam with myself and my old friend the twilight ocean. i headed back to my room to put the wooden magic back and to go for a walk.
weeks goal:not sleep the entire time.
i think i couldve made it as well, but things proved to get in the way, and i only made it around 50 hours. really wanted to see some naturaul hallucinatations.
while walking back i ran into some of the school sitting on the boardwalk just talking. they intercepted me and persuaded me to play for them. i hate doing stuff like that, but its cool, they appreicated it, and i wanted to play more anyways. the great part was everyone was chill while i played, people talked calmly and nobody got heated. i just realized that now.
anyways i got sick of playing, took the guitar back up, and came back to watch the sunrise. god i wish i had someone to watch it with, instead i sat with the same drunk faces. the clouds blocked the horizon, tainting mornings melting colors, dissapointing the group. they headed to bed, and i went for a walk. and a great walk it was. saw jesse, enjoyin the sun as it struggled for attention, holding some random girl, looking really happy. said hi, went on my way. saw pedja, holding a random girl, appreciating the fucking beuatiful scene the sun made is it broke through the top of the clouds. i didnt even notice it consciously until he pointed it out. pedja's aweseome, we connect alot, but were not very tight. thats fine though, what we have/had is/was great. walked back, and went to get my book, Jack Keoruac, On the Road. sat on the boardwalk watching the morning develope. a fishing boat drifted lazily along the coast while the sun foreshawdowed overbearing heat. at 7 am however, it was fucking perfect. the breeze was incredible, the sun at perfect positiion, the solitude of the moment is one that i live for. it was the happiest i was all week, and have been in a long time. im moving to the ocean.
gradually people began to awake on wednsday, mainly old people enjoying the slight space of soberness around the beach. i love beeing up early like that, the most connected i have been with myself in too long. went back to the room, but noone was up. those bitches didnt wake up until 2, even matt, and he usually wakes up insanly early. when they finally got up, the day progressed as the last had. 4-5 zach came back from french's, and we played some video games/hung out in the room. natalie came over and apologized for the night before, she didnt have to, but wanted things to be good. and they were, it was good to see her in the morning.
as this day unfolded however, i discovered how unchanged i have remained, how pathetic i am, and how much i still love her. i thought i could handle seeing her drunk, seeing her sweet innocent personality tainted by her free spirit. and on tuesday, i coudl handle it, i was annoyed, espcially at her not letting me look after her at all, but on wednsday the pot spilled over.
flirting with a friend is fine, because i put no weight into it. i was just jealous with her lack of attention to me, but when im sober and everyone else is drunk and actoing crazy, shes going to be attracted towards that more. i became more annoyed and jealous as the night wore on, and became the same sullen dick that i always become when that happens. i promised myself i wouldnt, and that i woudl be understanding, i knew she had this side before i came down, but it became to much for me.
i went for a walk to calm my nerves, which didnt work at all, and things only got worse when i returned. seeing her all over someone she hardly knew, a friend of mine who is a notroious womanizer, my head spun. i kept flicking her off, i dont think she noticed it though. pedja pulled me aside to talk to me about it, because he was getting pissed off to, being her best friend, and here shes said like 10 words to her the whoel week, while beeing all over random guys. but he told me not to let it ruin my week, he wasnt giogn to let it ruin his, so we started a game of soccer on the beach. and there she is, on the beach with that fucking guy. now im pissed, but i can deal. but when i look back, shes kissing him, and i cant take that. everything i have felt for her for the past 2 years rushed through my head, and i snapped, running over there yelling words i think i would take back, but i had to say. ran out of there, grabbed my board on a mission to end my life. that didnt work, couldnt find any good spots. so i was walking on the board walk when these random guys start talking shit about me skating from their roofs. i say shit back, he asks if i want to wait for him to come down stairs to say it to him, i saif fuck you pussy come down here and he runs to his door. some guy by the door starts sayin, you dont want to do this, walk away man. he then comes over and says that him and his friends got into a fight with them last night, turned into a 40v40 person brawl, those guys are just insanly drunk and that unless i want to fight all of them and get swooped i should keep going. i thanked him for the warning decieded to get the hell out of there, and ended going back to the boardwalk for some reason. im a fucking idiot.
sitting there feeling sorry for myself...doyle and sara show up. they all feel bad for me, ask me to go withthem to get somethign to eat. decided it was for the best, needed to not think about it. walked with doyle, and we takled. which is funny because me and mike never talk, even though we hang out all the time. it was good too. made it to the place, hung out for awhile, had some laughs. walked back with matt and sara, got stopped every 20 seconds by random drunks trying to ride my board. funny, alcholol is a severve motor skill disabler, hampers balance.
got back to the same hang out spot, by the clock on 18th. natalie is on the lifegaurd chair with eric and ashley and i thik someone else. i felt like shit still, complete shit. sara and i went to sit on the beach and watch the sunrise. and all our emotions came out. i love sara so much, the sister i never had, a compelte best friend. cant be sorry enough we werent this close for longerer.
you see sara has an almost parrallel relationship to mine, an unrequited love deal, and she is what gets me through this, and i help her get through jarod. she deseveres the best, is the perfecct girlfriend, perfect neighbor, she saved my week, saved me from killing myself.
matt then came over to sit with us, feeling like shit as well. matt has an equally parrellel relationship that was fucked up with this week as well, and he was depressed all week abou it. matts the greatest guy i know, probably person. he deserves her because he deserves any girl he desires.
we just all sat and talked about our tragically misplaced love lives, throwing our hearts away to true love, and having it fall into distant hands. went back to sit on the benches after the sun rose. everyone else on the beach walks back as well then. eric walks over to me, asking if im mad at him.
i opned up a part of me that i keep locked inside, and im sorry for what i said to him. i have been able to maintain my control on it only because of her. she is makes me want to be a better person, and is the reason i have changed so much in the past few years. but the wound was to deep, and i lost my head, threatening his life, and severeing our friendship. he was drunk as hell, i was drunk on rage, thankfully matt was there to hold him away from me, i would have done something i deepfully wouldve regretted. im so sorry for this. i heard natalie screaming in the backround that it was her who deserved this, not eric, and i felt my heart explode, i died a thousand times in an instant. sara holding me back, crying for me to please stop, people yelling to figure out what was happeneing.sara convinced me to walk home with her
the walk back to her place was silent, i couldnt speak, she didnt know waht to say. but her being there was all that mattered. pulled out her coach bed, and laid next to her. she fell fast asleep, must ahve been complelty drained. i contemplated leaving, i wanted to keep my no sleep vow. but so much was on my mind that there was absolutly nothing to think about. its the weirdest sensation i have ever felt, the one time i should feel the most, and i feel nothing. so i curled up next to sara and feel into a deeper sleep then i think i have ever had.
she awoke around 12, was careful not to wake me, i was up already anyways though, just played dead. she sat in the chair next to my sleeping figure, pulled out her journal and wrote for awhile. i decieded it was time for me to get up, fake yawned, and saw her smile. went to leave, hugged for waht seemed liek an hour, but didnt feel long enough, and walked home. she gave me the note she had wrote me, told me not to read it until i reached the boardwalk. apologizing to me for not being able to speak the night before, for what had happened, for everything. yet she had nothign to apologize for, she did excatly what i needed her to, and i lvoe her for that.
reached home, tried to get in but the cleaning lady was at work, so i sat by myself on the boardwalk. random friends stopped by and chatted. when i finally got into my room, no lights were on, but i thought i saw eric int he room, so i contemplated just leaving. but decieded against it, and fell asleep on the floor with no pillows or blankets. i was fucking exhasuted.
the morning went alogn weird. me and eric ignored each other, which was good, nothing cross was said, just pretened neither one of us was there. 4-5 came back, all of us hung out in the room for awhile. sara eventually came back over, i dont remeber if we all went out and did something, or if we all just stayed in the room. me and appletree spent the night walking the boardwalk along. checking out random jewlery stores, an aweseome painting store and hitting up the bookstore. dindt have my kawabata, so i just got a blank book from there.
i think im giong to write a book this summer, the insparation is already written on the first few pages.
got some ice cream, even though it was intensly windy outside. but getting ice cream on the boardwalk at the beach just feels so right. i felt like i was in the movie Big while walking on that thing. we made our way back to my room, she said that honestly, she really just wanted to lie around and watch a movie. got there cockblocking colin on his girlfriend, (must have happened to him at least 10 times this week), but we didnt care, we wanted to watch a god damn movie. so the put the blind up, and we lay down for a pleasant evening. didnt really watch anything, Searching for Bobby Fischer came on, which is a great movie, but we ddint finish it. Sara eventually fell asleep, so i turned off the tv and wrapped her up in a blanket. lied beside her and wished i could fall asleep. i tossed and turned the entire night, i have no clue why. i wanted to be held desperatly, espiacally with her next to me, but she was asleep, and it would have been to weird anyways.
eric came back to the room in the middle of the night, with andy b, ashley m and natalie. they all came in excpet natalie, who i heard in the backround saying she should go, that she didnt think i wanted to talk to her now, and that she didnt deserve to talk to me.i wanted to jump up and hold, her, tell her everything was ok, tha tiw as sorry. but i couldnt make myself do it. i ended up not talking to her for the rest of the week. im sure she was suprised to see my sleeping next to her best friend as well.
god damn that night turned into one of the funniest nights of my life though. everyone came back around 4 30, with dructor drunk as hell. toochi was struggling for a place to sleep, and was so funny. sean horner got locked out of his room, so they let him stay with us, and toochi proceeded to force himself in between him and eric on the sofa bed. eventually he got up after wakening to 2 dicks against his hips. dructor was passed out on the floor, and toochi tried to steal his pillow, but woke him up in the process...bad move. the drunken idoit went on for at least an hour, non stop, rambling, and saying the funniest shit. the wall of quotes gained at least 5 quotes that night.
woke up in the morning next to applebee, and walked her home after sitting in the room for awhile. it was a lonely, but much needed walk home then. didnt do much on friday, just hung around, rained most of the day, pretty depressing. at night some randon people burst into our room asking for some boston cremes. hahaha suckers. they then asked me to play guitar for them, for some reason. but after that, i remebered i had brought some cd's down to sell at the beach. and we decieded to go down the boardwalk in the pouring rain and sell cds on our way to the skee ball machine. eric proved to be quite the promoter/merchandice salesmen, and we got rid of the handful i grabbed quickly. ended up at pete collelo's house, which was pretty weak, hung out with timmy and ryan. it was right next to natalies room, i was dieing to talk to her, but didnt feel i could, or should. she wasnt home anyways. all of us went back to the spinnagers then on the drunk bus. met up with todd shaeffer and michael doyle. todd your a crack fiend. eric, compellty drunk, called me over to sit next to him. he apologized for what he did, said he was complety drunk when he did it, it didnt mean anything, he didnt know how i felt about her, otherwise he wouldnve never done it. said he felt like complete shit, and had spent the whoel day trying to figure out how to apolgize. said he was sorry it took him getting drunk to be able to do it, but that even though he was, he really meant it. and i was glad, glad to be able to put it behind us, to move on in life. the things i said wernet said lightly, and i meant them when i said them, but idontknow.
i stayed in the room, i had to get up early the next day, while everyone else went back out. we cockblocked colin again, terribly. they told me there was a suprise in the book i bought. when everyone left, i opened it up to find that sara and natalie had come to see me tonight (natalie comoplet sober for the past two days, god how i wish i couldve spent them with her instead of being a stubborn dickhead) and since i wanst there, colin suggested they write me their notes in the book. sara's was brief, just explain that she coulndt bear not talking to natalie, and that they wre good again, best friends, and that she wanted to thank me for spending the past 2 days with her. natalies note tore me apart, so much being said, yet her holding back. i cant believe i could hurt her so much with this, and i am a fucking dick for ruining her week with this. but there are 2 things i need her to erase in that letter, i plan on going to her house tonight.
she signed it i love you, the first time she told me that, and i cried like a little child. it took all i had not to run out again in the pouring rain to her house, and regret not doing it now. but i think it was for the best..i hope so at least. i didnt sleep that night...
life is changing so fast, and so our feelings, our thoughts. but one will always stay the same, and i hope she knows this. this week was one of the best, and one of the worst of my life, and brian, i have no idea what word we can use to describe it. paradox isnt an emotion, but its what i feel.