(no subject)
this day just got horrible. It wasn't terrible. but last night things began falling apart.
I was at the archaeology lab kind of late with brendan working on our final. The day had been mildly productive- I finished my application for the scholarship for the summer and was making a dent in other work. Some guy who goes to/race for UQAM was chatting me up as a 'follow up' it seems from the Yale race. I dropped Brandos name and he left me be. men suck.
Brando came over to my place for the night and we talked before bed. I don't know how we got onto the conversation, but we were talking about the summer. At first I thought he meant life in general as he didn't know if he'd be here next year, whether he'll stay in his apartment, etc. I said I would try to not miss him too much, but I wasn't making any sort of plans for summer. I guess this stemmed from the problems we/I have been having about our visibility as a couple on campus. He also wanted to be sure that I was happy with him and not worried that things were moving along quickly. Having the summer with no one around would let 1) paul get over things so we didn't have to hide and 2) allow for the both of us to straighten ourselves out, since both brando and I are pretty unsure about our own futures, career wise and (apparently hypothetically) us-wise. He asked what I was thinking about for the summer, and I told him I wasn't planning on anything, just letting it all be, knowing that summer would essentially be a 4 month pause to let our time catch up to our emotions. He...I don't know. I wish I remember better what he said. He was a little taken aback at my....determination?? to be with him over the summer. He said maybe we'd be more apart, as if I wanted to be independent for a spell. I mocked him and said 'what, so I have license to fuck around as I will? I know what vermont is like, and I'm sure Milwaukee can't hold too many mid-western gems.' I don't want a hook up summer, particularly. Especially not if I'm in vermont, because, oh yes, I have delivered myself the ultimate shaft:
I finished the application for the scholarship for the summer in Milwaukee, the $3000 upon which I will depend for the whole summer, as well as to make up for the fact that I haven't been working 'full time.' I went to fronda's office to turn it in, he's not there. I went to Beck's office to set up a time to see him about CSA matters, and to see if he would receive the application. It was due, he says, on Wednesday! He said he emailed me the deadline. I long since deleted that email because we were going to have a meeting together regarding it. Wouldn't he have mentioned the due date again in matters? I can't blame him and I'm so mad that I've fucked up but possibly they'll accept it although it isn't the only application, from what he tells me. There goes summer. I have to send out the actual program application today which I still haven't gotten around to because I procrastinate so horribly. And this final. and the final paper. and essay. and honors thesis prospectus, and two more finals. and dartmouth. and my apartment.
I have such a headache.
I was at the archaeology lab kind of late with brendan working on our final. The day had been mildly productive- I finished my application for the scholarship for the summer and was making a dent in other work. Some guy who goes to/race for UQAM was chatting me up as a 'follow up' it seems from the Yale race. I dropped Brandos name and he left me be. men suck.
Brando came over to my place for the night and we talked before bed. I don't know how we got onto the conversation, but we were talking about the summer. At first I thought he meant life in general as he didn't know if he'd be here next year, whether he'll stay in his apartment, etc. I said I would try to not miss him too much, but I wasn't making any sort of plans for summer. I guess this stemmed from the problems we/I have been having about our visibility as a couple on campus. He also wanted to be sure that I was happy with him and not worried that things were moving along quickly. Having the summer with no one around would let 1) paul get over things so we didn't have to hide and 2) allow for the both of us to straighten ourselves out, since both brando and I are pretty unsure about our own futures, career wise and (apparently hypothetically) us-wise. He asked what I was thinking about for the summer, and I told him I wasn't planning on anything, just letting it all be, knowing that summer would essentially be a 4 month pause to let our time catch up to our emotions. He...I don't know. I wish I remember better what he said. He was a little taken aback at my....determination?? to be with him over the summer. He said maybe we'd be more apart, as if I wanted to be independent for a spell. I mocked him and said 'what, so I have license to fuck around as I will? I know what vermont is like, and I'm sure Milwaukee can't hold too many mid-western gems.' I don't want a hook up summer, particularly. Especially not if I'm in vermont, because, oh yes, I have delivered myself the ultimate shaft:
I finished the application for the scholarship for the summer in Milwaukee, the $3000 upon which I will depend for the whole summer, as well as to make up for the fact that I haven't been working 'full time.' I went to fronda's office to turn it in, he's not there. I went to Beck's office to set up a time to see him about CSA matters, and to see if he would receive the application. It was due, he says, on Wednesday! He said he emailed me the deadline. I long since deleted that email because we were going to have a meeting together regarding it. Wouldn't he have mentioned the due date again in matters? I can't blame him and I'm so mad that I've fucked up but possibly they'll accept it although it isn't the only application, from what he tells me. There goes summer. I have to send out the actual program application today which I still haven't gotten around to because I procrastinate so horribly. And this final. and the final paper. and essay. and honors thesis prospectus, and two more finals. and dartmouth. and my apartment.
I have such a headache.