I left you a note on the table, I hope that it finds you well
No. not better. not changed. imploding remains the most accurate action of my innards.
Today was another talk with paul. I've become much more sensitive to how painful it must be for him to see me. For yesterday seeing Brando at the bake sale, and then again later when we 'talked' (hardly) was really painful. Worse of all was seeing him today on the street, walking from the library's direction as I headed to my fate with paul. We didn't even say hello. Just a slight wave and an eyebrow raise. How quickly this has fallen apart.
I'd like to 'act normal' around him for the sake of other's and to remain somewhat balanced in this situation, if that is what he'd prefer. As I packed up the table he took the leftovers and asked if I wanted to talk at all.
At this moment I'd like to pause. And take a few breaths. What I wanted was for him to tell me that he's realized something as well, that he can trust me, and that us being together is exactly what he wants. Instead we walk up a stair case and he asks me how I've been. Well dear, I've been sobbing for the last two days. When I sleep I dream about this. When I wake I wish I didn't. So my response was a thumbs down. Did I wish to say anything, he asks. Well no dear, I believe I said what I wanted to say on Saturday; I apologized and still want to be with him, and want to start anew and afresh. My feelings are only reinforced. He nods and trails off. Ok. See you later.
What the hell.
what the hell.
what does he want from me? It's as if he was waiting for me to say something and I don't know yet what it is. But that is also dependent upon the notion that he does still, at some point in time, want to get back together. That is where I stand, but I'm honestly terrified to ask. Yes, on the one hand I'm afraid of his answer. He may be less involved than I am, given my slightly (haha) more precarious and rattled position. But what if he too would like some space for a while to think? He goes back to Niagra this weekend for easter (to where I was to go as well. with him. and to the falls. huh.) and I don't want to ruin the trip. It's killing me but I want to let him be. But I also want some notion of what he wants.
I've refused to tell allison what is going on. She's only brought it up twice, once as a nice general question, and another as an 'are you sure you don't want to talk about it.' I began crying instantly. I'm really ashamed of what I did. If I tell her small pieces, I don't think she'll realize the severity. Yesterday I was able to tell trey but it only goes so far. I'd like someone to hug me when I cry and help me through this. I'm so so glad that I'm so alone up here.
I think today was the breaking point with Paul and I, however. The talk was relatively civil, and no crying. We talked in a cafe for about an hour then walked towards my house. We stopped off at Lobo, and I know it's hard for him but we fall back into a familiar state so easily, it's frustrating. We parted at my bike and I could see his eyes get red. He wanted to follow me but he knew he couldn't. I get home and see a text from him: Never forget about us. I do not regret it for a moment. You made me feel things I never felt before. I hope vice-versa is also true. Goodbye.
The final farewell must have been exceptionally hard and grounding for him. But what else is he to do? It is time, for we've been apart for two official months, for him to use the support of his friends and his own stubbornness to get him through this completely.
When he says all of the things he feels, I am so angry and shamed that I feel the same way about someone else. Paul wants only to be with me, next to me, wake up with me, happy together, and that's all I want with Brandon. Paul's pain I understand. And I suppose brandon's too. But paul did nothing wrong in this case, and I did in brandon's. He has no reason to accept me back except from his own grace and feelings toward me. Would that they were more than what they appear.
At least James is letting this whole matter slip by, thank god. The only relief. I cold shouldered him in class, but later on was like 'yeah, I didn't tell anyone but parrish, so thanks for keeping shit normal' and he said things were level.
And, in attempts to make myself feel better, I've started the application to the Peace Corps. Peace of mind, here I come.
Today was another talk with paul. I've become much more sensitive to how painful it must be for him to see me. For yesterday seeing Brando at the bake sale, and then again later when we 'talked' (hardly) was really painful. Worse of all was seeing him today on the street, walking from the library's direction as I headed to my fate with paul. We didn't even say hello. Just a slight wave and an eyebrow raise. How quickly this has fallen apart.
I'd like to 'act normal' around him for the sake of other's and to remain somewhat balanced in this situation, if that is what he'd prefer. As I packed up the table he took the leftovers and asked if I wanted to talk at all.
At this moment I'd like to pause. And take a few breaths. What I wanted was for him to tell me that he's realized something as well, that he can trust me, and that us being together is exactly what he wants. Instead we walk up a stair case and he asks me how I've been. Well dear, I've been sobbing for the last two days. When I sleep I dream about this. When I wake I wish I didn't. So my response was a thumbs down. Did I wish to say anything, he asks. Well no dear, I believe I said what I wanted to say on Saturday; I apologized and still want to be with him, and want to start anew and afresh. My feelings are only reinforced. He nods and trails off. Ok. See you later.
What the hell.
what the hell.
what does he want from me? It's as if he was waiting for me to say something and I don't know yet what it is. But that is also dependent upon the notion that he does still, at some point in time, want to get back together. That is where I stand, but I'm honestly terrified to ask. Yes, on the one hand I'm afraid of his answer. He may be less involved than I am, given my slightly (haha) more precarious and rattled position. But what if he too would like some space for a while to think? He goes back to Niagra this weekend for easter (to where I was to go as well. with him. and to the falls. huh.) and I don't want to ruin the trip. It's killing me but I want to let him be. But I also want some notion of what he wants.
I've refused to tell allison what is going on. She's only brought it up twice, once as a nice general question, and another as an 'are you sure you don't want to talk about it.' I began crying instantly. I'm really ashamed of what I did. If I tell her small pieces, I don't think she'll realize the severity. Yesterday I was able to tell trey but it only goes so far. I'd like someone to hug me when I cry and help me through this. I'm so so glad that I'm so alone up here.
I think today was the breaking point with Paul and I, however. The talk was relatively civil, and no crying. We talked in a cafe for about an hour then walked towards my house. We stopped off at Lobo, and I know it's hard for him but we fall back into a familiar state so easily, it's frustrating. We parted at my bike and I could see his eyes get red. He wanted to follow me but he knew he couldn't. I get home and see a text from him: Never forget about us. I do not regret it for a moment. You made me feel things I never felt before. I hope vice-versa is also true. Goodbye.
The final farewell must have been exceptionally hard and grounding for him. But what else is he to do? It is time, for we've been apart for two official months, for him to use the support of his friends and his own stubbornness to get him through this completely.
When he says all of the things he feels, I am so angry and shamed that I feel the same way about someone else. Paul wants only to be with me, next to me, wake up with me, happy together, and that's all I want with Brandon. Paul's pain I understand. And I suppose brandon's too. But paul did nothing wrong in this case, and I did in brandon's. He has no reason to accept me back except from his own grace and feelings toward me. Would that they were more than what they appear.
At least James is letting this whole matter slip by, thank god. The only relief. I cold shouldered him in class, but later on was like 'yeah, I didn't tell anyone but parrish, so thanks for keeping shit normal' and he said things were level.
And, in attempts to make myself feel better, I've started the application to the Peace Corps. Peace of mind, here I come.