Gave away all her lemons [ps sorry I forgot how to do an lj cut. so this is really lengthy]
I will never do anything but screw up. it's official. I wish I could say that I can't believe what I've done, but somehow this ending was known to me; this WOULD happen, and this horridly ironic foot would swing around and pile me up the ass. All from my own momentum.
I understand now how paul feels. On the one hand, my empathy for him now becomes acute to the point of actual movement. As in maybe it's time for me to leave again. My presence here does him nor myself, and apparently no one else any good. On the other, my insides have collapsed and all I feel capable of is staring forward into the air as if the receptors in my brain have ceased function from shock. SELF-INDUCED shock.
Thursday was ridiculous.
It began well. Brandon has been in a difficult situation; his family was in town (and sister, with whom matters are in and out) so his school work suffered. He resents the work he is doing for his masters and as a consequence he and his advisors no longer get along. He is trying to either change projects, change schools, or delay the work for a while (or indefinitely) and get a job doing design or real-time engineering. His decision. I want him to be happy and rediscover the passion he had for what he does. Thursday morning we woke up early, I made breakfast, and we talked like usual. Save for the continual problems that haunt us, nothing was wrong. In fact, we had planned it that this weekend, when allison was to have her party, we would make it rather official that we were together, instead of just acting nice around each other in public. We didn't even, not even when alone, hold hands or acknowledge that we're a couple when we're in MTL for fear of people finding out.
Well, Thursday was the lamb roast, and he left for Ottawa for a concert with his sister. They ended up getting into a huge fight- he didn't stay there that night like they had planned on, and she probably stayed in a hotel.
But on the french side of the border, the night was looking up. after the roast the drinking began, as it was the last bda of the year. All the classics people were there, in togas, and we were drinking soundly. It was a wonderful night. Nic, a guy on my team who I regularly flirted with, was there, and we were talking at one point in time, when paul, who probably was drinking too at this point, had the audacity to come up between us and block Nic out from my sight. I couldn't believe it. Paul had no right. It is harsh when I talk to other guys infront of him, I get it. But he may not take a stand in such a way.
I yelled at him, and we ended up having the same talk as what happened last friday. He wants so badly to get back together (logical) and reasons that if I only would look back to the good times that we had, then my love could resurface, and we could be happy. Sure, that's true if you disregard my own feelings, my free will, and my previous decisions. Being both slightly intoxicated, it was exceptionally emotional. He was crying (we're sitting on a couch surrounded by people in a very loud and bright room), and I hate to see him in such pain, so in attempts to console him I'm holding his hand. I know this is such a bad way to 'help' him cope. Tenderness makes his wound hurt more, not less. He wants me to think about the possibility of us getting back together but it is NOT what I want to do. But to be completely honest, when everything is so overwhelming, the security of the life paul offers, of living cheaply with him in a bombing apartment, of being brought to new york or california and, while relying on him mostly for support, having the freedom to explore further what I wish to do in life, is a very attractive future, but it's neither fulfilling nor real nor feasible. There is NO desire on my part to be emotional or physical with him again. But he can't comprehend where my emotions have gone to (good question, right) or how our relationship can now mean so little.
So the night ended there (rather early on, mind you. we started drinking at 4) with tears and so much anger. The whole group left to a bar on St Laurent and waited for other people to join. Starting at that point, and for some of the day, I had been talking with this guy who I was pretty sure liked me. James, this awkward fellow from Maine, was someone whom Parrish had a super-desire for last year, and it culminated in a drunken hookup right after the Classics' Christmas party at a prof's house. But he never returned any sentiment, and by the end of the ordeal she had enough of him (that and she found eric). Maybe a month ago, or just over when the break up of Paul and I began to get public (think late feb, more than a MONTH after this bullshit began) he started sitting with me more often in class, talking with me more, and most surprisingly texting or calling me. He would show up at social events when he didn't before. Flags started to get raised in my mind, and when I told Parrish and Brahm, it all became some sort of a joke. Up to last week, I tried to be cold and not give any interested signals. He is a cool guy, pretty smart, and I get along with him as friends, but I never had any sort of connection with him. He's a bit of a tool bag.
After I told him where the Bacchant was headed, he left the library and just showed up. No one who invited expected him.
And here is where my sense and reason breaks down. I was surrounded, parrish and eric to my left, all lovey dovey, rob and his new g/f to my right, Paul staring at me from across the table, and forced speech all around. Anger was boiling up inside of me at my complete inability to think and act for myself. I knew that James came there to see me. It was the most selfish thing to think of but it became apparent that if I let down my line he would bite. We all left just before midnight. I ask parrish's opinion on james, namely if he was 'worth it.' I felt so uncomfortable. Me and james. But first and foremost I am a selfish person.
We have a running joke that he is such super-man that he can just beat me at any sport, especially on the bike. I get hyper-competitive as a result. I biked him home on the back of my commuter (a joke in an of itself). I expected him to invite me up. Make a move. the dumb shit in the history of his life probably never has. I went home, a bit tiffed. I put myself out like that, and then am rejected! My pride was really injured. so the texting began again. And i started it. i should not have. I regret it so much now. Nothing was gained. Come 1 am or so, we're in Jeanne-Mance park riding around on my road bike talking smack or just normal conversation. Somehow, I both let myself be persuaded and allowed him to convince me that it was appropriate that I cook him something. Cookies not being possible, we went to my place and I made him crepes. I don't know how drunk I was at this point. I know I was over tired, and angry and nervous and a little caught up in the game that I was playing. He did come out that night for me, and the thought was so pleasing. Quaint little james pokes his head out of his hole to investigate his surroundings.
We talked on my couch for hours, and eventually started to get playful. It followed how it usually does: you start to sit closer to each other, then you tease, physical contact is somehow established, then rough housing (tickling) and the like follows. We started to talk about the colts and pats (??) and then bicker over this 'vintage 1994 patriots towel' which is 'awesome' and 'legendary.' And was actually mat patterson's which he left in my car some two years ago.
Anyway. it escalates to us both laying on the couch. Yes, i felt horrid. I was torn. I wanted him to be gone because I didn't want to do this to brandon, and knew that I was betraying him already, but the momentum of the night drove me onward.
My couch is infamous.
We were facing each other and taunting one another. then he gets this look, and I know it was coming. he kisses me. Nothing fancy, nothing prolonged, just straight on the lips. And I didn't feel a thing. A line was crossed from that point on, although I had been on it all night, and the severity of my actions fell over me. I didn't react. I tried to not laugh (not at him per se, but at the absurdity of the situation which he could never have fathomed) and covered my face. then conversation moved forward. I was so tired. I struggle to remember what was said and what I dreamed I said, or what I did or thought that I did. We both slept there on the couch, him behind me. At times we would wake up due to his falling from the cushions; it really is only designed for one person. Something was said about him not wanting to to be awkward. I remember trying to probe him, and we talked about Parrish. the only words that stick into my mind were him saying that he didn't want anything long term from parrish- in response to possibly my jab about their hook up? I told him that I was baiting him, I knew he would react in the way that he was. Yet when he- I was very half asleep during this- suggested he get up or go or something, I just said 'no, you're warm, I'll just squish over.' ohh massive wtf.
so that day, after he left around 7 (We probably went to bed around 4)
By 2 brando and I are on the road to vermont for coheed. I didn't say anything: he had such a horrid night with his sister and has so much going on anyway that he deserved to have a fun time. We didn't do too much in btown, but got to meet up with Chris and bof for some food before heading over to Higher ground to 1) enjoy ourselves and 2) act like a real couple. We kissed in public. We held hands. we stood close to eachother. we had a killer time because coheed does an amazing live show. it was phenomenal. I felt (I find my self having to go through and change the tenses of all of these sentiments. Not 'feel' but 'felt') so solid with him, and ready for more. strings were become unattached as I realized more and more how strongly I feel towards him. I told paul that I considered being in love to be weakness. and maybe that was a different type of love, a dependency that I assumed was established as an unspoken aspect of relationships.
We arrived at my house late, circa 12.30, and were not under the protective shield of a floor separating our sleeping arrangements (parents' and ours). As a result we sat on my dining room floor and with hope and shame I told him, although mildy censored (not to dispel fault), what happened. I was drunk and angry at paul and my inability to control any situation. I knew James like me so I egged him on. We stayed at my apartment and he kissed me, then I blew off his feelings and we went to sleep.
For some reason, I didn't know why I thought I would 'get away' with this. It had to be said, this was not to begin with a lie. But by the end I realized that Brandon made me feel the way I should be feeling, and that we had what paul and I lacked, what I lacked. I was ready to move forward from that point on and put down this baggage that I carry around. But it eluded me that he would be so upset. Somehow, in the sham that was our relationship, in that it didn't exist outside of ourselves, I felt that our commitment to each other was on a moving scale, and since we were hardly technically 'dating (which is both a lie and an excuse)' my indiscretion was pardonable. But no, it wasn't. we went to bed after that. In the morning were excellent pancakes, home chores, walking with whisk, bike talk (oh, papa wheeler), and by noon we set out. He got his oil changed, and I did a few desperate searches to find a mortar and pestle for allion's birthday (today).
It was a relatively silent drive home.
I drove to my apartment and my heart was jittery. My limbs were shaking. I couldn't wait to get out of his sight so I could scream out my self-anger and resentment. Only the day before he passed me a set of his keys. I, as I grabbed my last bag from his car, let this slip back to his front seat.
We hardly made eye contact. Allison's lumberjack-themed party that night called for flannel, so he borrowed one of mine for the night and turned and left. I didn't move. I was shaking, and then sobbing. This is what it's like to feel. this was all of the emotion that I didn't experience when paul and I ended.
I set out to find allison's present. Around 5 I left, and walked listlessly around the city, crying, staring ahead and imploding. By 6.30 it was obvious that nothing was open, not that I continued to look. I came home and slept. Finally, it occurred to me that in emotions and relationship i had hardly ever put any effort into preserving what it was that I had. As my mother had said to me in the morning, it takes work and time to feel love and make these relationships functional. but by the end it is undying love that makes us sacrifice ourselves, as is why mothers are able to care so much for a child, even though the effort isn't effectively comparable. So I decided that I would fight. In a daze I rode down to his house and threw a virtual stone at his window. Fifteen minutes of waiting later he let me in. I apologized but didn't know where to take it. I wanted to talk because I didn't know where he was standing or what he was thinking. His conclusion was that we shouldn't see each other. I should go have time to 'be crazy' and sort out the problems with paul which are continually getting in the way of my own progress and emotional growth. I hoped so much he would come out to allison's party in defiance of his feelings, but he did not. I know now neither what to do or expect. I don't want to go and 'be crazy' because every one disappoints me. there is no need to fool around with other guys because that is 'what people do.' But then part of me says 'well you're single now, do as you will and get these dumb crushes out of your system. don't let this happen again.' Stupid shit like Nic. But I want to be with him. In that light, however, I feel that I've broken his trust and don't deserve to have him give me another chance. If the bond that we *had* was based on this pure (tainted in the first place, if I may recall that essentially I gave up my previous life for him) emotion between the two of us. It also scares me that I may realize at any moment that this was a result of the unhappiness with paul and so the feelings have been enhanced beyond their actual capacity. But I don't WANT that to be the case.
Time to focus. It is allison's birthday and not my right to be having these downer thoughts for the night. tomorrow. if and when it comes.
I understand now how paul feels. On the one hand, my empathy for him now becomes acute to the point of actual movement. As in maybe it's time for me to leave again. My presence here does him nor myself, and apparently no one else any good. On the other, my insides have collapsed and all I feel capable of is staring forward into the air as if the receptors in my brain have ceased function from shock. SELF-INDUCED shock.
Thursday was ridiculous.
It began well. Brandon has been in a difficult situation; his family was in town (and sister, with whom matters are in and out) so his school work suffered. He resents the work he is doing for his masters and as a consequence he and his advisors no longer get along. He is trying to either change projects, change schools, or delay the work for a while (or indefinitely) and get a job doing design or real-time engineering. His decision. I want him to be happy and rediscover the passion he had for what he does. Thursday morning we woke up early, I made breakfast, and we talked like usual. Save for the continual problems that haunt us, nothing was wrong. In fact, we had planned it that this weekend, when allison was to have her party, we would make it rather official that we were together, instead of just acting nice around each other in public. We didn't even, not even when alone, hold hands or acknowledge that we're a couple when we're in MTL for fear of people finding out.
Well, Thursday was the lamb roast, and he left for Ottawa for a concert with his sister. They ended up getting into a huge fight- he didn't stay there that night like they had planned on, and she probably stayed in a hotel.
But on the french side of the border, the night was looking up. after the roast the drinking began, as it was the last bda of the year. All the classics people were there, in togas, and we were drinking soundly. It was a wonderful night. Nic, a guy on my team who I regularly flirted with, was there, and we were talking at one point in time, when paul, who probably was drinking too at this point, had the audacity to come up between us and block Nic out from my sight. I couldn't believe it. Paul had no right. It is harsh when I talk to other guys infront of him, I get it. But he may not take a stand in such a way.
I yelled at him, and we ended up having the same talk as what happened last friday. He wants so badly to get back together (logical) and reasons that if I only would look back to the good times that we had, then my love could resurface, and we could be happy. Sure, that's true if you disregard my own feelings, my free will, and my previous decisions. Being both slightly intoxicated, it was exceptionally emotional. He was crying (we're sitting on a couch surrounded by people in a very loud and bright room), and I hate to see him in such pain, so in attempts to console him I'm holding his hand. I know this is such a bad way to 'help' him cope. Tenderness makes his wound hurt more, not less. He wants me to think about the possibility of us getting back together but it is NOT what I want to do. But to be completely honest, when everything is so overwhelming, the security of the life paul offers, of living cheaply with him in a bombing apartment, of being brought to new york or california and, while relying on him mostly for support, having the freedom to explore further what I wish to do in life, is a very attractive future, but it's neither fulfilling nor real nor feasible. There is NO desire on my part to be emotional or physical with him again. But he can't comprehend where my emotions have gone to (good question, right) or how our relationship can now mean so little.
So the night ended there (rather early on, mind you. we started drinking at 4) with tears and so much anger. The whole group left to a bar on St Laurent and waited for other people to join. Starting at that point, and for some of the day, I had been talking with this guy who I was pretty sure liked me. James, this awkward fellow from Maine, was someone whom Parrish had a super-desire for last year, and it culminated in a drunken hookup right after the Classics' Christmas party at a prof's house. But he never returned any sentiment, and by the end of the ordeal she had enough of him (that and she found eric). Maybe a month ago, or just over when the break up of Paul and I began to get public (think late feb, more than a MONTH after this bullshit began) he started sitting with me more often in class, talking with me more, and most surprisingly texting or calling me. He would show up at social events when he didn't before. Flags started to get raised in my mind, and when I told Parrish and Brahm, it all became some sort of a joke. Up to last week, I tried to be cold and not give any interested signals. He is a cool guy, pretty smart, and I get along with him as friends, but I never had any sort of connection with him. He's a bit of a tool bag.
After I told him where the Bacchant was headed, he left the library and just showed up. No one who invited expected him.
And here is where my sense and reason breaks down. I was surrounded, parrish and eric to my left, all lovey dovey, rob and his new g/f to my right, Paul staring at me from across the table, and forced speech all around. Anger was boiling up inside of me at my complete inability to think and act for myself. I knew that James came there to see me. It was the most selfish thing to think of but it became apparent that if I let down my line he would bite. We all left just before midnight. I ask parrish's opinion on james, namely if he was 'worth it.' I felt so uncomfortable. Me and james. But first and foremost I am a selfish person.
We have a running joke that he is such super-man that he can just beat me at any sport, especially on the bike. I get hyper-competitive as a result. I biked him home on the back of my commuter (a joke in an of itself). I expected him to invite me up. Make a move. the dumb shit in the history of his life probably never has. I went home, a bit tiffed. I put myself out like that, and then am rejected! My pride was really injured. so the texting began again. And i started it. i should not have. I regret it so much now. Nothing was gained. Come 1 am or so, we're in Jeanne-Mance park riding around on my road bike talking smack or just normal conversation. Somehow, I both let myself be persuaded and allowed him to convince me that it was appropriate that I cook him something. Cookies not being possible, we went to my place and I made him crepes. I don't know how drunk I was at this point. I know I was over tired, and angry and nervous and a little caught up in the game that I was playing. He did come out that night for me, and the thought was so pleasing. Quaint little james pokes his head out of his hole to investigate his surroundings.
We talked on my couch for hours, and eventually started to get playful. It followed how it usually does: you start to sit closer to each other, then you tease, physical contact is somehow established, then rough housing (tickling) and the like follows. We started to talk about the colts and pats (??) and then bicker over this 'vintage 1994 patriots towel' which is 'awesome' and 'legendary.' And was actually mat patterson's which he left in my car some two years ago.
Anyway. it escalates to us both laying on the couch. Yes, i felt horrid. I was torn. I wanted him to be gone because I didn't want to do this to brandon, and knew that I was betraying him already, but the momentum of the night drove me onward.
My couch is infamous.
We were facing each other and taunting one another. then he gets this look, and I know it was coming. he kisses me. Nothing fancy, nothing prolonged, just straight on the lips. And I didn't feel a thing. A line was crossed from that point on, although I had been on it all night, and the severity of my actions fell over me. I didn't react. I tried to not laugh (not at him per se, but at the absurdity of the situation which he could never have fathomed) and covered my face. then conversation moved forward. I was so tired. I struggle to remember what was said and what I dreamed I said, or what I did or thought that I did. We both slept there on the couch, him behind me. At times we would wake up due to his falling from the cushions; it really is only designed for one person. Something was said about him not wanting to to be awkward. I remember trying to probe him, and we talked about Parrish. the only words that stick into my mind were him saying that he didn't want anything long term from parrish- in response to possibly my jab about their hook up? I told him that I was baiting him, I knew he would react in the way that he was. Yet when he- I was very half asleep during this- suggested he get up or go or something, I just said 'no, you're warm, I'll just squish over.' ohh massive wtf.
so that day, after he left around 7 (We probably went to bed around 4)
By 2 brando and I are on the road to vermont for coheed. I didn't say anything: he had such a horrid night with his sister and has so much going on anyway that he deserved to have a fun time. We didn't do too much in btown, but got to meet up with Chris and bof for some food before heading over to Higher ground to 1) enjoy ourselves and 2) act like a real couple. We kissed in public. We held hands. we stood close to eachother. we had a killer time because coheed does an amazing live show. it was phenomenal. I felt (I find my self having to go through and change the tenses of all of these sentiments. Not 'feel' but 'felt') so solid with him, and ready for more. strings were become unattached as I realized more and more how strongly I feel towards him. I told paul that I considered being in love to be weakness. and maybe that was a different type of love, a dependency that I assumed was established as an unspoken aspect of relationships.
We arrived at my house late, circa 12.30, and were not under the protective shield of a floor separating our sleeping arrangements (parents' and ours). As a result we sat on my dining room floor and with hope and shame I told him, although mildy censored (not to dispel fault), what happened. I was drunk and angry at paul and my inability to control any situation. I knew James like me so I egged him on. We stayed at my apartment and he kissed me, then I blew off his feelings and we went to sleep.
For some reason, I didn't know why I thought I would 'get away' with this. It had to be said, this was not to begin with a lie. But by the end I realized that Brandon made me feel the way I should be feeling, and that we had what paul and I lacked, what I lacked. I was ready to move forward from that point on and put down this baggage that I carry around. But it eluded me that he would be so upset. Somehow, in the sham that was our relationship, in that it didn't exist outside of ourselves, I felt that our commitment to each other was on a moving scale, and since we were hardly technically 'dating (which is both a lie and an excuse)' my indiscretion was pardonable. But no, it wasn't. we went to bed after that. In the morning were excellent pancakes, home chores, walking with whisk, bike talk (oh, papa wheeler), and by noon we set out. He got his oil changed, and I did a few desperate searches to find a mortar and pestle for allion's birthday (today).
It was a relatively silent drive home.
I drove to my apartment and my heart was jittery. My limbs were shaking. I couldn't wait to get out of his sight so I could scream out my self-anger and resentment. Only the day before he passed me a set of his keys. I, as I grabbed my last bag from his car, let this slip back to his front seat.
We hardly made eye contact. Allison's lumberjack-themed party that night called for flannel, so he borrowed one of mine for the night and turned and left. I didn't move. I was shaking, and then sobbing. This is what it's like to feel. this was all of the emotion that I didn't experience when paul and I ended.
I set out to find allison's present. Around 5 I left, and walked listlessly around the city, crying, staring ahead and imploding. By 6.30 it was obvious that nothing was open, not that I continued to look. I came home and slept. Finally, it occurred to me that in emotions and relationship i had hardly ever put any effort into preserving what it was that I had. As my mother had said to me in the morning, it takes work and time to feel love and make these relationships functional. but by the end it is undying love that makes us sacrifice ourselves, as is why mothers are able to care so much for a child, even though the effort isn't effectively comparable. So I decided that I would fight. In a daze I rode down to his house and threw a virtual stone at his window. Fifteen minutes of waiting later he let me in. I apologized but didn't know where to take it. I wanted to talk because I didn't know where he was standing or what he was thinking. His conclusion was that we shouldn't see each other. I should go have time to 'be crazy' and sort out the problems with paul which are continually getting in the way of my own progress and emotional growth. I hoped so much he would come out to allison's party in defiance of his feelings, but he did not. I know now neither what to do or expect. I don't want to go and 'be crazy' because every one disappoints me. there is no need to fool around with other guys because that is 'what people do.' But then part of me says 'well you're single now, do as you will and get these dumb crushes out of your system. don't let this happen again.' Stupid shit like Nic. But I want to be with him. In that light, however, I feel that I've broken his trust and don't deserve to have him give me another chance. If the bond that we *had* was based on this pure (tainted in the first place, if I may recall that essentially I gave up my previous life for him) emotion between the two of us. It also scares me that I may realize at any moment that this was a result of the unhappiness with paul and so the feelings have been enhanced beyond their actual capacity. But I don't WANT that to be the case.
Time to focus. It is allison's birthday and not my right to be having these downer thoughts for the night. tomorrow. if and when it comes.