Pulling Leather Chapter 6
Title: Pulling Leather (Chapter 6)
Current Mood: Determined
Current Music: I Don’t Want to Say Goodbye by Teddy Thompson
Author: forever9218
Pairing: Ennis and Jack
Genre: AU/Canon
Word Count: 3570
Rating: Adult Concepts (Implied violence, sexual situations, language)
Disclaimer: Brokeback Mountain is the intellectual property of Ms. Annie Proulx. No money is being made from this work and no copyright infringement is intended. I’m just trying to paint new horizons for our beloved boys.
Dedication: To everyone here who still believes and is willing to be patient with the slowest writer that ever graced the planet.
Here he was still in Wyoming. Jack in Texas. Almost like nothing had changed between them. Except of course, everything had. Someone had to figure out a way to get past this stalemate. Make the opening move. Be the one willing to blink first. At this point in their mutually self-imposed separation, Ennis had grown tired of the thinking and drained by the unrelenting missing. The harrowing weariness and worry over not knowing what Jack was up to, bringing on the most acute exhaustion of all.
He swung his legs over the edge of the mattress and rubbed the scratchy stubble on his chin with a weary, sun burnt hand, two bare feet settling flat against a cold wood floor. Still groggy from another toss turning half sleep, he shook his head like a dog shedding a torrent of water after an accidental plunge into a freshwater stream, and made a clinching decision on the spot.
Sleep had been more than elusive since Jack had headed south to tie up loose ends over a month ago. But, this particular bout of unease had been different than the others, more persistent and gruesomely intense. Instead of waking maybe two or three times, a quick brush over cold sheets before mercifully being pulled back under by the vision of a smiling Jack encouraging him to get more shuteye, last night had brought no sustained relief. Most disturbing of all was that unlike previous slumbers, Ennis had been unusually restless over the past eight hours, thoughts of Jack weighing heavy upon his mind from the moment his head first hit the pillow. No matter how much he tried to shove disturbing images aside, once his eyelids drooped and sore muscles briefly stilled from a hard day’s labors, he would be jerked wide awake by blurred glimpses of broken and bloodied body parts. He never was able to make out the face, but Ennis recognized a certain blue denim shirt that caused his heart to shutter and choked off his ability to breathe as he struggled to gulp down heaving gasps of air.
Sitting up now, his undershirt drenched in sticky sweat, and a sharp throbbing ache searing right through him, Ennis recognized what had to be done, concluding the time had arrived for him to stop making excuses. Even more staggering than that frank admission was that after mulling over the idea for a good long while, he found that he really didn’t give a shit if he had to be the one to cave first. Although they had originally agreed to call one another only if there was a need to consult about what to do next, or if there was something significant to report back on, Ennis could not deny that he just needed to hear the sound of Jack’s voice. Make sure he was alright. Given the magnitude and complexity of what Jack was doing, that was probably a pretty selfish and girly thing to swallow, but Ennis was tired of pretending otherwise.
Perhaps he was getting soft, but he could see how he had begun to equate the lack of bad news with a sign that events down in Texas were progressing in a satisfactory way. That’s what he had lulled himself into believing anyway until out of nowhere he started to be dogged by the unsettling idea that what if he had been fooling himself all along. Although he tried to push away uncomfortable thoughts, deep down there really was not much Ennis could do way up north if something distressing took place in Childress. Not when he lived nearly 1500 miles away with a beaten up old truck that barely transported him to work each day. After sticking to the wrong path for more years than he cared to count, Ennis could not bear to think that the fates would be so cruel as to snatch everything away right before he and Jack were about to take a huge step forward in the right direction; he may not have known what had been going on in Texas with any degree of certainty, but one thing he knew beyond all doubt was that Jack had never let him down before. The rest of the world was another thing completely.
Despite the playful middle name Ennis had given to a certain young bull rider up on Brokeback, Ennis knew that loving to bitch was actually Jack’s second favorite pastime. Largely, for that reason alone, when there had been no word about how things were going, Ennis had initially found relief in the notion that no complaints from Jack Twist was probably a very good sign that he was getting exactly what he wanted.
Aguirre got no right makin' us do somethin' against the rules. I'm commutin’ four hours a day. No more beans.
Ennis grinned at the warm memories and the sparkle that always appeared in those two blue eyes whenever he was able to give Jack what he wanted. Thoroughly at home living his life with his shoulders hunched over and his eyes cast down on the small patch of ground underneath his feet, Ennis had grown to believe that what he failed to see was not something that could come back to upend his world. Jack was a smart guy, smarter than he could ever hope to be, and now he had the added incentive to be cautious after Ennis had finally made promises that he would be there, no matter what.
Still, regardless of all the signs that had given Ennis good reason to be patient, he continued to be wrecked by a string of disturbing thoughts that had begun to vex both his dreams and waking hours. What if something had happened that Jack was unable to do anything about because he was unaware what was taking place? Or, worse yet, maybe he had decided to change his mind altogether. Walking away from the cushy standard of living he had married into may not have been as simple as Jack had made it out to be.
Even more potentially upsetting was that his fella now had an actual point of comparison. Maybe that sweet life Jack had envisioned for more years than either man cared to recount, no longer seemed so appealing, after being cooped up with the threadbare Ennis Del Mar throughout his recuperation. After all, Jack now had seen firsthand how Ennis barely possessed the clothes on his back, worked from sunup until sundown and lived in a drafty rundown hovel the size of a matchbox. At 34, losing people in his life seemed almost second nature to Ennis by now. Life was harsh and miracles were not easy to come by. Jack abruptly changing his mind about building a life with Ennis might be unlikely, but there was still a sliver of a possibility that nudged around the edges.
Misgivings aside, Ennis knew that Jack would have been proud that even with the natural tendency to revert back to fatalistic ways, he continued to fight back the worst doubts by holding onto the notion that something core deep had changed since their last fishing trip together. Jack had made significant progress toward convincing Ennis that he was worthy of happiness and personally capable of giving so much more to those he cared about. Impetuous to a fault, and other times just plain crazy, Jack had finally persuaded Ennis in a thousand and one ways that he would never change his mind; the true miracle being that after so much rejection and wasted years, his heart was unwavering, even when faced with insurmountable odds like Ennis Del Mar.
With so much at stake and many things finally coming together for a change, Ennis tried his best not to dwell too much on the What-ifs and the Might-of-beens. But, with every day without a word from Jack, the black hole uncertainty about his man’s comings and goings was becoming nearly impossible to bear. Particularly now that Ennis had to admit that he could not come up with one solid reason why they needed to continue to shun one another. Not even his old standby excuse of stubborn pride was good enough for continued inaction. Nor, was the fear that somebody might jump to the wrong conclusions if a longtime acquaintance from Wyoming gave a friendly phone call to an old fishing buddy.
Since that lunch conversation with Jim a few days ago, the rest of the week had become a living hell for Ennis. Thoughts of Jack had continued to haunt daylight hours, but now disturbing images had somehow seeped into his dreams at night. He remembered how he had clung to his mother a few weeks before his parents had missed that curve in the road, and now he felt like he was experiencing a similar type of separation anxiety. He probably was just overreacting, but he figured Jack would know just the right thing to say to calm him down, if he could just hear his voice. This time when they talked, he was going to make sure to set up some kind of weekly telephone schedule to keep them connected. He figured that would make Jack hoot and holler with joy, but Ennis didn’t care anymore. No more going it alone. They were in this together and Ennis needed to start acting like he wouldn’t accept anything less.
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“Hey, Alma.”
“Is that you, Ennis? What are you doin’ calling so early on a Sunday morning? You know the girls still have to eat breakfast and bathe before we head on out to church. I also got me some ironin’ to do before we leave. They don’t have time to be chattin’ with their Daddy about who knows what.”
Ennis cleared his throat, his voice a bit unsteady. “’M sorry if I disturbed ya plans.” Half of him wanted to slam the phone down, but the other half told him to show some self control. He needed to stop letting her poke a stick in his craw at every turn. “This won’t be takin’ too long. Just wanted to make sure I caught ya before ya left for services.”
They both waited in awkward silence for a moment, neither one wanting to be the first to continue the exchange.
“Well, it’s goin’ on 7:30 a.m. and you called me, Ennis. Would think that means there’s something on your mind.”
Ennis sucked in a nervous breath and shut his eyes tight. “We need to talk, about….”
Alma wasn’t making the conversation any easier with the exasperated breath he just heard on the other end of the line. “Told ya, I don’t have all day. What do you want to talk about that can’t wait until later? Seems to me the last time I called, you didn’t much want to oblige my needs.”
“Uhm,” His voice trailed off again. “Sorry, I slammed the phone on ya when ya called that evenin’.”
He could hear the sarcasm in the chuckled response. “You’re just apologizin’ now? It’s been over a month, Ennis. In fact, I would pretty much say you’ve been avoidin’ me since that call. Course I’m not too surprised. Considerin’ who I wanted to talk about.” Alma waited for full effect. “Ya do remember, why I called, don’t you?”
Ennis ground his jaw shut to buy some time to reign in his rising temper. Being provoked into a rancorous outburst was exactly what he did not want to be sucked into. Not this time. Alma had sure fire ways of getting underneath his skin, but blowing up now was no way for him to make that first step forward, the one long past due that had been weighing heavily upon his mind for several weeks now. She always had a special knack of getting him to feel like less of a man. Frequently, digging then outright insinuating that he was lacking as a provider and not up to scratch as the kind of husband she thought she had found when she was not much more than a newly arrived young woman.
While listening to the slight quiver in her voice at this moment, maybe for the first time in years, Ennis finally picked up on a far more complicated inflexion that he had never noticed before. The familiar spitefulness and scorn he had grown accustomed to hearing, almost to the point that he had begun not to care about the source of the hostility any more, seemed to be directly wrapped up with something sadder. The realization made him instantly feel both ashamed and apologetic because deep down he had never really faced his major responsibility for the failure of their marriage.
Alma had all kinds of good reasons to be filled with a sick at heart rage, particularly when it came to his many failings in the area of being a committed spouse. She had used the word “unfaithful” the last time she called and she had been right. From the beginning, he had been a coward and a liar, never even half trying to own up to the mistakes he had made or the pain he had caused. He had never wanted to hurt anyone. But, intentions did not change the plain fact that he had. He had never done right by Jack either, but at least he was trying to change that now. As the mother of his children, Alma deserved the same consideration.
“Tryin’ not to avoid nothin’ no more, Alma. I called because I wanna talk with ya ‘bout some things. Things I ain’t rightly proud of when I look back on ‘em now. Weren’t proud of ‘em when they was happenin’ neither.”
He expected at least an obligatory, “I’m listening.” But, Alma continued to let him stew in his own juices.
“Ya still there?”
“You talkin’ about your friendship with Jack Twist?”
He slumped back in his chair and drew a slow, uneven breath. “Guess we’ll be talkin’ about him more than a little.”
Alma started to shake her head as she tried to process what Ennis was trying to say. “Now, I’m confused. Sounds to me like you have no regrets about your association with that man. Don’t think there’s much more we can say to one another, if that’s the case.”
Ennis sobered. “I ain’t proud of a lot of things, Alma. But, I’m tellin’ ya right now, Jack ain’t one of them. If that’s what ya wantin’ to hear from me, then you’re right. There ain’t much more for us to say to one another.”
Alma hissed at the statement, but she made sure not to say another word.
“Look. This ain’t somethin’ we should be discussin’ over the phone. That’s why I’m callin’ early. If you’re willin’, I’d like ya to come over here this afternoon. You…ya can ask me anythin’ ya want. Think it’s ‘bout time, don’t you?”
“And, what about Sadie? She gonna be there too?”
“I think we both know there ain’t no Sadie. Not even gonna try to fool ya into thinkin’ there is.”
“What if…” Alma began, falteringly. “What if I said no?”
Ennis sighed, his forehead scrunching up from the strain. “Don’t rightly expect I deserve the chance for ya to hear me out. Just thought I’d ask is all.”
Alma shifted from one foot to the other. “I dunno. You’ve got a mighty powerful temper, Ennis. Not sure if I feel safe bein’ out there all alone in that shack you call a house.”
Ennis had no answer for that. In their time together, he had thrown a few plates against the nearest wall, slam doors, roared until the windows rattled, but he had never actually laid a hand on her before. Still, given his past tendency to drink and his erratic behavior when they were married, he could see how she might think that there was always a first time.
Just when he was about to concede that wanting to make amends with Alma Beers Del Mar was a lost cause and was about to bring the upsetting conversation to a close, he could hear young muffled voices begin to stir in the background. He couldn’t help but smile, knowing that Junior and Jenny were the two things in his life that he had arguably done right by, given his limited resources. Maybe Alma felt the same way because suddenly she began to speak, this time without a hint of animosity.
Alma’s brow furrowed as her eyes glanced up at the kitchen clock. “Girls are up. Got to be goin’, Ennis.” Another uncomfortable, extended pause drifted between them. Then the lowered voice, “Guess I could tell Monroe that I need to talk to you about the girls. He could drive me over and then pick me up later.”
Ennis stayed quiet. Not wanting to say the wrong thing to change her mind.
“2:30 p.m. be alright?”
Ennis brightened just a bit, still conflicted about the irreversible step he was taking. “Sure thing.”
“Oh, and Ennis?”
He pressed two parched lips tightly together and waited. Afraid of what was about to be asked, he hoped his voice did not give anything away.
“I’m listenin’?”
“Hope this means ya ain’t gonna lie to me no more.”
His eyes shut and jaw clenched, a shudder running through him, knowing what was really being asked. He could do this. He had to. What was the point of talking, if he was not able to clear the air? The no nonsense reply that followed was even and unrushed. “’Bout time, don’t ya think?”
Although she was miles away, Ennis thought he could almost see a slight upturn of Alma’s face. Maybe there was even a discernible blush to her cheeks like he remembered seeing when they were barely out of their teens, their lives still ahead of them, innocent and untested. That is, until he took that summer job herding sheep up on Brokeback Mountain and met a force of nature by the name of Jack Twist on a cool, breezy morning. The day everything changed forever.
He could hear the inner struggle Alma was waging even though he could not detect a sound at the other end of the line. “I don’t know, Ennis. It’s possible there ain’t enough time left. Like Monroe’s been telling me, ‘Might be there’s just too much water under the bridge' for us. Maybe we should let it be. Lick our wounds and move on.”
He thought about Jack and all they had been through. How they were so close to finally getting things to turn their way after getting it wrong all those years. Alma was giving him an easy way out. He could always tell Jack that he tried.
Ennis’ shoulders slumped a little before clearing his throat. For once, instead of turning tail he jumped directly into the fire. “Used to think that was the way things had to be, Alma. That none of us ever got a second chance to change our stars. ” He steeled himself even more. “Know what I got to say won’t be easy, but I suspect as long as we’re still breathin’, it’s never too late to try to make amends. Only way we can put all this behind us.”
He could hear the slight mockery in her voice. “And, when did ya become so pushy? Can remember a time you wouldn’t even apply for a job with the power company ‘cause it was too scary for ya.”
Ennis felt an unpleasant jolt rifle through him and fell silent for a minute, the next words piercing in their intent. “Maybe there ain’t much we can do,” he harrumphed. “But, Alma… could just be that ya and me aren’t so different in some ways. Both of us maybe clingin’ to somethin’ we ain’t never gonna get back.” A heavy silence fell between them, uncomfortable and protracted.
“Alma, you still there?”
“See ya this afternoon.”
“Uhm. Sure thing.” Not wanting Alma to think he was trying to cut her off, he patiently waited a few extra beats to hear her hang up before he carefully lowered the headset into the cradle.
Shit. Guess that could have been worse. Now all I got to do is figure out how to explain Jack Twist to my ex-wife in one afternoon. He groaned to himself, realizing all this talk about feelings was way over his head. Might as well be describing why the sky is blue or why humans breathe air. I don’t have a fuckin’ clue. It’s just the way it is.
He reached over and took a short sip from the chipped mug of coffee, the dark contents bitter and cold. The pungent sensation was just what he needed, rapidly reminding him what a life without Jack Twist by his side would taste like. He may not have all the answers. If he lived to be 100, probably would never even come close. All he could do now was learn how to live true the best he could. Something he intended to do for Jack and for that little boy who still lived in fear and who had grown up much too fast. The one Jack apparently had seen inside him the first day they met outside of Aguirre’s trailer, once full of hope and deserving of the same kind of happiness as everybody else.
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Tbc