Special Theory of Redneckivity: Pushing the Limits of the Space-Time Continuum
Yesterday morning I observed a singular phenomenon not yet reported in any Theoretical Physics journal that I've ever read1. It was detected that while traveling on the back roads undulating through the more provincial regions of our beloved peninsula, time actually seems to speed up. Note that in Einstein's Special Theory of Relativity, time slows down as one approaches relativistic velocities (i.e. the speed of light). Here the opposite has occurred: As the velocity of the traveler approaches zero due to the apparent illiteracy of drivers ahead of him whose tenuous grasp of first-grade arithmetic causes them to go 10-15 mph under the speed limit, the time required to make the journey from Gainesville to St. Augustine approaches infinity. I propose a simple solution to the above problem by introducing a new teaching manual called "Speed Limit Math for Morons". This should be required reading2 for any backwoods hillbilly trying to acquire a driver's license in the state of Florida. Either that or else we need to construct a special redneck lane for the acceleratively-impaired. And no, my use of the word "special" was not accidental.
Let's take a look inside, shall we?
Lesson 1:
s = Posted speed limit (mph)
= Actual speed (mph)
For s < 45
= s + 5
For 45 < s < 70
= s + 10
For s > 70
= s + 15
NOW GET THAT THROUGH YOUR FUCKING HEADS YOU DRIVELING NEANDERTHALS. YOU GO 5 MPH ABOVE THE SPEED LIMIT NOT 10 MPH BELOW.
Ahem ... just another friendly reminder why I should keep taking my medication. The desire to exaggerate one's own existence and the problems that lie therein is wildly alluring.
Speaking of hyperbole, there's nothing quite like 100,000 wops mourning over a dead polack. (Note: My Polish and Italian lineage grants me the liberty to use such ethnic slurs)
These two remind me of the so-called "wailing women" hired to appear at Italian funerals to mourn the deceased; whose shrill, obnoxious blubbering was exceeded only by the sheer pretense of it all.
1 The number of Theoretical Physics journals I've read currently amounts to zero.
2 Assuming they can read at all.
Let's take a look inside, shall we?
Lesson 1:
s = Posted speed limit (mph)
= Actual speed (mph)
For s < 45
= s + 5
For 45 < s < 70
= s + 10
For s > 70
= s + 15
NOW GET THAT THROUGH YOUR FUCKING HEADS YOU DRIVELING NEANDERTHALS. YOU GO 5 MPH ABOVE THE SPEED LIMIT NOT 10 MPH BELOW.
Ahem ... just another friendly reminder why I should keep taking my medication. The desire to exaggerate one's own existence and the problems that lie therein is wildly alluring.
Speaking of hyperbole, there's nothing quite like 100,000 wops mourning over a dead polack. (Note: My Polish and Italian lineage grants me the liberty to use such ethnic slurs)
These two remind me of the so-called "wailing women" hired to appear at Italian funerals to mourn the deceased; whose shrill, obnoxious blubbering was exceeded only by the sheer pretense of it all.
1 The number of Theoretical Physics journals I've read currently amounts to zero.
2 Assuming they can read at all.