Double Feature!
Hello everybody! Got a lovely new spork for you all. And by lovely I mean it's terrible.
But anyways. Sorry I haven't posted in a while, been working on parodies, MiSTs and...schoolwork, mostly.
Ok, so I MiSTed this sucker a while ago, but it was so bad in the Mary Sue department, I felt it deserved to be thrashed in two ways. Also, just for a bonus sporking experience, I am including bits of the character profile that is supposedly supposed to be read before the actual fic.
Title: Arina Cav're Profile, Arina and Water
Author: PinkHorseInc
Full Name: Arina Cav're
Full Species: Canonus Cousinus Wishicus Fulfillicus
Hair Color: Black
Eye Color: Violet
Unusual Markings/Colorations: None that I noticed. BESIDES THE VIOLET EYES. But hey, this is a Sue we're talking about.
Special Possessions: An unnessicary apostrophe.
Which Gate it Came From: The Gate of Relative!Sues, The Gate of Ed/Winry Clones, The Gate of Hilarious Unintended Innuendoes.
Connections to Canon Characters: Winry's cousin, Ed and Al's childhood friend. (Of course.)
Special Abilities: Waterbending. Doing useless alchemy with water.
Other Annoying Traits: Retardedness.
Alrighty, first the profile...
Background: Arina, more commonly known by her friends and customers as the 'Arena of Love', is Winry’s stalker cousin, whose parents were also in the Ishvarlen war. Their parents worked together in the same clinic, and so were shot through the heart, andyou're to blame, darlin, you give love and bad name. together leaving Winry and Arina orphans. When Granny Pinako took in Winry it was only right to take in Arina too.
(Oh, canon raep. Already. Ugh, you know, what makes this worse is the fact that the only reason this character actually exists is because the author thought that EdxWinry was taking too long. SO THEY MADE THEIR OWN CHARCTER TO GET IT ON WITH ED.)
When the children got news of their parent’s death they were of course sipping tea in the parlor. devastated. Winry eventually accepted the nomination, and became the first female Fuerer of Amestris. fact that they were gone, unlike Arina. She instead went into a deep depression.
(Obviously, Winry didn't love her parents as much as Arina. The bond she'd held was merely shallow, and an hour after hearing the news, she has beating things with a wrench cheerily. Her pain was nothing when compared to that of the Sue.)
Nothing made her smile, nothing could brighten her face at all, and when she walked into the room it felt like the world was coming to an end, but that was normal. She was 9 by this time, and that is a lot to handle for such a young girl. (Yeah, I guess it is. But she has her cousin and Pinako and-)
But, the thing is, she couldn’t handle it. (Huh?)
She gave up all hope. (DRAMADRAMADRAMA) In other words she thought death would bring some reprieve. (Oh, hell no.)
She jumped off of Granny Pinako's roof with an umbrella in her hand, trying to fly away like Mary Poppins. in the middle of the night. When she hit the ground she didn’t die obviously, she was just knocked unconscious. In the morning Ed found her body on the ground, you can imagine how excited terrified he was to find something to eat. She was immediately taken to a doctor but they had to amputate her left arm and right leg.
(WHAT. *headdesk*
NO REALLY, WHAT? Ok, wait. She jumps off a roof, gets knocked out, and has to have her arm and leg amputated? In what world does that make sense? Couldn't she at least have gotten hit by a train or something?)
Ed and Al never knew the actual facts about the incident. (But...Ed was the one that found her.) Granny told them that she was walking outside and got mauled by a savage dog, though Ed knew what had really happenned, because he was the one that FOUND HER. was suspicious of this. (LOGIC GO BOOM)
The incident believe it or not did help her. Who needs limbs anyhow? When she jumped she hit the bottom of the barrel. You can only go up from there.
(Snip! Blah blah blah, she sees the marvels of life and all that jazz, and is inspired to do...something when Ed gets his automail and stuff. She recovers in 2 and a half months. WARG.)
Alrighty, now for the main event!
Some of the worst...
“Y’know Ed, she’s been practicing Guitar Hero a lot lately. I think you have competetion,” Winry said as she was shining the topmost part of his auto-mail.
“Practicing what?” He asked as the metal became clearer and clearer. He understood it much better now.
“Alchemy GUITAR HERO,” she stopped shining and looked at him with worry in her left pinky eyes.
“Hmmm, is that so?” He asked casually.
“Yes, and Ed, she doing it because of you. SHE LEARNED IT FROM WATCHING YOU!”
The water shot up into the like a bird flying towards the Sun. (Er...What?) I (Wait...Did the tenses just change without warning? BAD FORM!) made an intricate design that took the shape of a heart, complete with pumps, valves, and blood! with detailed patterns covering its sides. It sat there floating in the air for a few seconds as if waiting for something but nothing happened. Finally, it froze into a permanent heart, its icy exterior making mist in comparison to the moderately warm room.
A girl of 15 leaning against her bed sat gazing at the intricate masterpiece. (Ok, two problems here. One, SYNTAX, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD. Two, Is it just me, or does she strike anyone else as a bit conceited? Masterpiece? Pfft.)
There was an array (Which is...what now?) on the floor straight ahead of her on which she had her hands. She was molesting it. A little ahead of that there was a metal bowl that a few minutes before was filled to the brim with clear water. It’s easy to assume she created the beautiful heart (Again, conceit much?), and she did it with alchemy. (Actually, not so easy.)
SLAM! Her door burst open and Ed came strolling in, guns blazing. “Hey, Arina! Winry told me you were practicing Guitar Hero alchemy!!!” Ed yelled as he rudely interrupted her practice.
This of course broke her concentration, and the heart came falling towards the floor shattering as it hit the wood below. (HOW SYMBOLIC!!!11one)
“Damnit Ed!!! (Ed has nits? QUICK, GET THE LICE COMB!) How many times do I have to tell not to come barging into my room like that! Next time knock you son of a dead woman bitch!” Arina screamed in fury from having one of the better ice hearts she ever made smashed into pieces before she was done marveling at it. (Uhm...conceit anyone? Anyone?)
He walked towards her unscathed by angry words, “Jeez calm down, just make another one! That’s why I came in anyway! I’m supposed to see you 'perform', or in other words I have 20 dollas. I came in to judge your skills.”
“M-my skills? B-but I don't have any of those! :B I’m only a novice and you’re an s-state alchemist! That’s not fair!” She said obviously worried of what he might say.
“I said I was just gonna watch not battle you! God, you don’t have to be so nervous, just show me what you got!” (*snerk*) He said sitting down on the bed ready to be entertained. (HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! OH LAWD, TOO PERFECT.)
‘I can’t perform in front of him! (*snort*) What if, oh, what if I mess up! He’ll never let me come if I mess up, (I don't eve think I can touch that one. *giggles like a preteen girl*) I would be completely useless!’ She thought as she went into the kitchen to retrieve more water. She steadily walked back up the stairs as to not drop any liquid on the floor, ‘I have to do better than I’ve ever done before, I must!’
She entered her room and gently laid down her bowl in front of the array. (Ok, what is the array? Seriously!) She could feel Ed’s eyes staring at her hands which were now on the array, as she was it molesting again.
“Stop shaking, I told you not to be nervous. It’s not you’ll die if you do it incorrectly!” (Tell that to Edward Cullen!) He said trying to calm her down.
“Ok, uh, here I go,” She put her hands on the array, which was strange, because they were already THERE. The water once again shot into the air, but it was slightly different. The water seemed sort of bubbly, and feathery. The now forming heart seemed even bigger than last time, and the patterns covering were words, but Ed was to far away to really be able to read what it said. Arina had her eyes shut the entire time in order to keep concentration. (Er, dunno about you guys, but that dosn't sound like alchey to me. It's like...waterbending's retarded cousin...)The heart was finished but it seemed to be giving off a unique glow like an angel. (*barf*)
“WOW! ARINA THAT’S AMAZING! IT’S SO BEAUTIFUL!!!” Ed said unusually flambouyent enthusiastic, "FAAAABULOUS!".
“Uh, thank you,” she had finally opened her eyes and looked at him, and then from him she looked to the heart. “AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!” She screamed as she saw what was written on it and the heart fell to the floor, again. (IT'S A DEATH NOTE HEART!)
‘OH NO!!! Did he see what was on the heart? OH NO!!! I can’t believe it went on there!’ The image kept flashing in her head of the heart with ‘Ed and Arina’ on it. Golly GEE WILIKERS, that’s obvious. A big heart floating in the middle of the room with ‘Ed and Arina’ on it, no innuendo here. (In-YOUR-endo.)
“Arina! What happened!?!? You just pitched a spaz freaked!” Ed said looking confused and distinctly unfabulous worried.
She got up from the floor, “Uh, nothing I’m fine, I just didn’t expect it to be that big I thought it was gonna fall on me,” (Hee, that's what SHE said!) she lied of course.
(SNIPPITY SNIP; More blah, Arina asks Ed to train her, blah, she agrees, and HOLY CRAP THERE ARE MORE CHAPTERS? D: EWW)
Also, who here knows about the new FMA series?! It comes out in Japan in April. NO LIE.