In Silence [1/2]
Title: In Silence [1/2]
Author: FloweryMisha
Pairing: KrisHo
Warning: BoyxBoy love. Enough said.
Summary: Yifan is head over heels, but he isn’t sure if Junmyeon feels the same way.
Author's Note: Inspired by an old manga. I want to cry because I don't feel confident about it but sigh...here we go
If you love somebody, let them go. For if they return, they were always yours. And if they don’t, they never were.
--Khalil Gibran
Yifan never really found out what was on Junmyeon’s mind.
Even after living together for three months, the Chinese male couldn’t quite figure his boyfriend out.
Junmyeon kept everything to himself most of the time. If he ever had problems, the fair-skinned male made a very good job of not showing it. Not even once that Yifan had seen him complaining or looked troubled with something. Junmyeon was always smiling.
Not that Yifan minded.
As long as Junmyeon was happy, that was all that mattered.
And Junmyeon’s smile was enough for Yifan to think that they were happy.
Their relationship had been going on for almost six months. It was not Yifan’s first relationship, but he hoped that it would be the last. His friends and family were supportive about his relationship with Junmyeon, but with just a single glance, it was obvious that Yifan was the one head over heels for Junmyeon.
Junmyeon never showed the same sign.
Sometimes, Yifan wondered if Junmyeon only accepted because the latter pitied him. Yifan was helpless and desperate when he tried to ask Junmyeon out. He did his best to capture Junmyeon’s heart, but it took more than three months to convince Junmyeon that Yifan was serious about him. Junmyeon was always smiling, but the truth was, no one really knew what the beautiful male was thinking. Yifan wasn’t sure if Junmyeon was smiling because he really liked Yifan in return, or was it actually an annoyed smile.
Yifan didn’t back away even when Junmyeon said he wasn’t interested in a relationship. Sure, it broke his heart, but Yifan never gave up. He kept on trying and trying, because his heart told him that Junmyeon was the one. And if he couldn’t have him, then no one else could.
Perhaps Junmyeon appreciated his persistency.
Or perhaps, he just accepted to shut Yifan up.
Nonetheless, Junmyeon (finally) said yes when Yifan asked him out for the umpteenth time.
Three months after that, Junmyeon also said yes when Yifan asked him to move in together.
Yifan was so happy. He thought that by living together, things would gradually change between them. He would be able to witness the things that Junmyeon never showed and done to anyone else before. Every day at work, Yifan was excited about going home, because having Junmyeon welcoming him home was the best thing that ever happened to him.
Wasn’t that a good sign?
That Junmyeon was as madly in love as Yifan?
Hopefully.
Not even once that Yifan had seen Junmyeon pouting or sulking. Yifan sincerely hoped that it was a good thing that the male cherished their relationship just as much as he did. He silently kept on telling himself that like a mantra, but as time went by, Yifan realized that Junmyeon didn’t change.
No.
Junmyeon never changed.
The male kept everything to himself from the beginning of their relationship, and Yifan honestly didn’t know how long he was going to be like that. Junmyeon kept his real self hidden beneath his smiley mask, and there was nothing more Yifan wanted to do but to rip his mask apart and scream to him that he didn’t need to hide anything.
Please, open yourself to me.
Sometimes, Yifan selfishly thought that he deserved more, but he didn’t want to push Junmyeon.
It was all right.
As long as Junmyeon didn’t leave him.
***
It was one of those days where Junmyeon had been silent since morning.
If Yifan was being honest to himself, then this actually happened everyday. But this morning, the silence was different, and Yifan was dying to know what was wrong.
He wanted to know what was on Junmyeon’s mind...
Yifan rested his chin on the heels of his palm in exasperation. His eyes had been going back and forth between the clock and his cellphone. It was lunch time, and Yifan wondered if it was alright for him to contact Junmyeon.
Well, duh, he’s your boyfriend, Yifan, of course it’s alright for you.
But what if he doesn’t pick up?
Worse, what if he rejects the call...?
Yifan sighed deeply.
“You what???”
Yifan gazed at the screen of his cellphone, frowning. Did he accidentally dial Junmyeon’s number...? Where did the voice come from?
“I’m-I’m very sorry-“
Yifan craned his neck to the general direction of his door, his mouth forming a small ‘o’. The voices clearly came from outside his office. Whoever they were, the argument didn’t stop there. When the voices got louder, Yifan rose to his feet and dashed across the room.
He wasn’t surprised to see Victoria dressing elegantly neat as usual-and that one of the voices earlier belonged to her-but Yifan was a bit taken aback by the view of a young male. Yifan didn’t recognize him at all. He still didn’t understand what happened, but judging from Victoria’s wrathful expression, if Yifan didn’t do something about it, the male would be viciously clawed on the face on the next second.
“Victoria?”
“Yifan!” Victoria snarled as she motioned the young male indignantly. “Yifan, your new secretary is horrible!”
Yifan was confused. “My new...secretary?”
“Yes! He messed up our schedules! I told him that I needed to see you at lunch but then he fixed me up after lunch!! Who the hell does he think I am? I am Victoria from FX!” Victoria roared in distaste. She glared at Yifan’s new secretary. “What’s your name again, boy??”
“J-Jongdae, Ma’am.”
“Jongdae, huh? Well Jongdae, if Krystal is as terrible as you, I would’ve had her fired months ago!”
Jongdae turned white at her remark. Yifan thought it was time for him to butt in.
“You don’t have to be so harsh, Victoria,” Yifan said calmly and quickly thought of something to save Jongdae. “Besides, it was me who told him to arrange our meeting after lunch. But now that you’re here, how about you wait in my office first...?”
Victoria’s anger seemed to dissipate as she gracefully ran a hand through her long hair. She let out a content huff. “Very well then. Don’t keep me too long, Yifan.”
Yifan nodded with a simple smile. Victoria glowered at Jongdae once again before walking into Yifan’s office. Yifan waited until Victoria was already in his office before turning to Jongdae. “I’ve never seen you before...”
“Ah!” Jongdae’s eyes widened in shock. “That’s right! I haven’t introduced myself to you! My name is Kim Jongdae, Mr. Wu, and I’m here to cover Sunny-noona!”
“You’re here to cover Sunny? Where did Sunny go...?”
“She went into labor last night, Mr. Wu,” Jongdae’s face brightened as he explained. “And this morning, she gave birth to a very beautiful girl.”
“Oh my god, it’s that time already?” Yifan forgot that his previous secretary was pregnant. “I shall send her some flowers, then. Will you arrange it for me?”
“Sir! Yes, Sir!”
Yifan chuckled. “You don’t have to be that formal, Jongdae. Anyway, I gotta go, Victoria’s waiting. I’m gonna get clawed if I keep her waiting too long...”
“Mr. Wu?”
“Yes?”
Jongdae looked terrified and yet certain when he talked. “I swear I won’t mess up again. I swear on my father’s grave that I will never disappoint you anymore! I will even make an oath for you! Or perhaps a written agreement? I swear you can fire me if I make the same mistake again-“
“Jongdae,” Yifan interrupted firmly.
“Y-yes?”
“It’s all right. Just do your job.”
Jongdae broke into a wide grin as he nodded vigorously. “Yes, Mr. Wu!!”
Yifan’s new secretary was definitely loud.
***
Babe...do you have plans next week...?
So Yifan opted for a text message instead of a phone call, but the Chinese male smacked himself the moment the message was sent. He reread the sent item once again and buried his face on top of the scattering papers on his desk. No matter how many times Yifan read it, the text sounded cheesy and worse, he sounded a bit helpless.
He should’ve trusted his instinct by changing it into something like ‘Let’s go out next week.’
That way, Junmyeon wouldn’t have any reason to decline. ...unless his boyfriend was planning to spend Valentine with someone else. The thought made Yifan turn horror because no, Junmyeon wasn’t supposed to spend Valentine with anyone else!!! He would kill whoever it was if it ever happened!!
Yifan blinked in realization. It’s Valentine’s day next week...
Should he buy something like a gift for Junmyeon then? Chocolate? Cakes? Diamond rings?
Now that Yifan thought about it, it was their first Valentine together. He never really knew what Junmyeon liked, and now with the thick amount of silence between them, he just kind of...lost.
Yifan then got distracted with work, and by the time he got home, it was then that he remembered Junmyeon still hadn’t reply. He checked his cellphone one more time to make sure and braved himself to ask straight to Junmyeon.
The shorter of the two had his back facing Yifan in the kitchen. Yifan waited for a moment, wanting for Junmyeon to realize his presence, but with the sound of running water from the sink, it was probably impossible. Yifan cleared his throat unsurely.
“Babe?”
Junmyeon glanced over his shoulder and Yifan earned a simple smile. “Ah, welcome home...”
Yifan automatically smiled back. “I, uh...sent something to your phone today. Have you read it...?”
“You did? I’m sorry, I was busy. What did you send me...?”
Yifan’s heart sank. You were busy. Really busy that you couldn’t even check your cellphone? At this moment, a part of him wanted to protest out loud, but the other part told him to stay quiet. Yifan chose the second option. He hoped he was able to hide his disappointment by speaking so calmly. “I...I want to ask you out next week.”
“Next week?” Junmyeon looked hesitant. “I already have plans for next week...”
If Yifan’s heart was only sinking before, it had definitely dropped now.
“Oh. I see. Well, maybe next time...?”
Ask what is it, dammit. What is his plans?
Ask him who he’s going with, idiot. What if it’s his ex-boyfriend or something?
Ask him to go with you because it’s Valentine, dumbass.
“Just tell me when you’re free, okay?”
Junmyeon nodded in return. His boyfriend then turned his attention back to the dishes and Yifan sighed inwardly.
It didn’t have to be Valentine, then.
***
When Victoria came by again the next week, she sent a very nasty glance to Jongdae.
Yifan spent the next hour listening to her complaints about why he shouldn’t keep Jongdae as his employee and how he should find a new secretary. He could only nod and chuckle slightly at Victoria’s harsh remarks.
Of course, Yifan wasn’t that mean to fire Jongdae right away. Jongdae was new, and he was only there to cover for Sunny. It was normal for him to make a mistake at his very first day of working. Yifan only did what a boss was supposed to do. He gave Jongdae another chance, and so far, the male had showed his progress.
Yifan expected that Jongdae would as be good as Sunny.
What Yifan didn’t expect was that Jongdae gave him something on Valentine’s day.
He was so disappointed about what happened with Junmyeon that he forgot it was already the 14th of February.
Yifan took a long moment to stare at the box of chocolate Jongdae proffered him, and the younger of the two insisted that it was a token of gratitude for not firing him. It occurred to him that he couldn’t accept it, but Jongdae looked very hopeful and Yifan didn’t want to be considered rude.
So he accepted it half-heartedly.
Besides, it shouldn’t mean anything...right? Jongdae said it was a token of gratitude, then a token of gratitude it was. Full stop.
However, Yifan didn’t know what to do with it but to put the small box on the dining table. Should he eat it? He wasn’t exactly hungry... Or should he just keep it in the refrigerator? And several days after that, pretending that he forgot it was even there in the first place? Or should he just toss it right away?
Yifan groaned in frustration.
“Yifan...?”
Yifan was pulled out of his reveries by Junmyeon’s voice. “H-hey.”
Junmyeon slowly approached him, a curious look was all over his face. “Is that...chocolate?”
“Um,” Yifan directed his gaze back to the small box on the table. Crap. He should’ve hid it. But it was too late to hide everything. “Yeah.”
“Is it edible?” Junmyeon asked innocently as he snatched one from the box. Yifan gawked in shock when his boyfriend casually popped it into his mouth, munching it without any guilt. Junmyeon gave Yifan a thoughtful look before swallowing. “Hmm. It tastes good.”
Yifan visibly stiffened in his seat, and Junmyeon seemed to realize something was wrong.
“What...? What’s wrong...?”
Yifan cleared his throat in uncertainty. “It’s...nothing.”
Junmyeon pressed his palm against his throat with a serious frown. “I don’t feel funny. They’re not poisonous, if that’s what you’ve been worried about. You may eat the chocolate, Yifan.”
“Of course they’re not,” Yifan almost laughed at Junmyeon’s innocent statement. He bemusedly shook his head. “They’re just...from a colleague.”
“Oh.”
There was something about the way Junmyeon said ‘oh’, and Yifan felt bothered by it.
“A colleague. Then...I wasn’t supposed to eat that...?”
“No, no, he said it was a token of gratitude.”
“A token...of gratitude?”
“I have this new secretary at work. Sunny-you remember Sunny, right?-is on maternity leave. During his first day, he messed up my schedule with a business partner, and I didn’t fire him because it was not a fatal mistake in my opinion...” Yifan paused almost helplessly, not wanting Junmyeon to think anything else. He didn’t want any misunderstanding. “And then...I got this.”
On Valentine.
Junmyeon nodded very slowly as he gazed at the box of chocolate. “I see.”
Yifan was about to say more that it was actually unnecessary, but Junmyeon got to him first.
“Your secretary’s really nice...”
Yifan narrowed his eyes in confusion. Nice...? Nice? Wait, was it the right reaction from a boyfriend? Shouldn’t Junmyeon be more...worried, because, hello, a new secretary...? Or did Yifan forget to mention ‘cute new secretary’? Should he mention it now?
Everything Yifan thought was lost the minute Junmyeon snatched another ball of chocolate from the box, but this time he fed the food into Yifan’s mouth. Yifan automatically opened his lips, dumbly obeying what Junmyeon wanted him to do. The tip of Junmyeon’s fingers brushed with Yifan’s lips, but the former pulled his hand away as soon as Yifan closed his mouth.
“It has almond in it,” Junmyeon said softly. “Your favorite, right?”
With that, Junmyeon turned around with a faint smile, leaving Yifan alone by the dining table.
Yifan wished the chocolate was from Junmyeon instead.
***
Yifan wondered if Junmyeon actually found him unreliable.
There were times when Junmyeon looked like he had something on his mind, but Yifan could never bring himself to ask.
Worse, Junmyeon couldn’t even bring himself to share.
It was natural if Yifan wanted his boyfriend to rely on him. He wanted Junmyeon to go to him whenever something troubled him. Yifan wanted Junmyeon to tell what was bothering him. Why couldn’t Junmyeon do such simple things? Did it have anything to do with something Yifan (accidentally) did?
Yifan tried not to think about it, but as time went by, with Junmyeon not telling him and Yifan not asking either, the Chinese male could feel that slowly, but surely, they were drifting apart. The signs were there, and something would definitely happen if Yifan didn’t do anything about it soon.
But...
What if Junmyeon was actually bored with him...? What if Junmyeon thought that they had no future together...?
Yifan clicked his tongue.
Perhaps it was the honest reason behind his own reluctance. He was afraid that all of his negative thoughts were true...because if they did, he wouldn’t know what to do. A life without Junmyeon was the last thing he ever wanted.
Groaning, Yifan scratched the back of his head. Stop thinking non-sense. If Junmyeon really thinks so, he would’ve left you months ago. Yeah. Yeah...Junmyeon’s still with you, so whatever it is on your mind, it isn’t true...
Still, it didn’t stop him from worrying.
Yifan was thinking of sending Junmyeon a text when Jongdae buzzed him on the intercom that afternoon.
“Mr. Wu?”
“Yes, Jongdae?”
“Your schedule is done for the day. Is there anything else I can help, Mr. Wu?”
“I think it’s enough, Jongdae. That will be all. You may go home if you want.”
“Ah, yes, thank you. But...Mr. Wu?”
“Yes?”
Jongdae was silent for a moment.
“I know this might be a bit inappropriate, but...if you don’t have plans after this, will you be so kind to accompany me to look for a present for my father...? I mean, you’re older and I could definitely use your advice...”
Yifan laced his fingers together as he rested them against his lips. He bit his inner cheek as he considered. For his father...? Yifan hesitated. Should he or should he not...? The first thing that came to Yifan’s mind was Junmyeon, of course, but it wasn’t like he needed to go home soon. Besides, even if he did go with Jongdae, he should be able to make it home by dinner...
Jongdae was his secretary.
“Mr. Wu?”
Yifan licked his dry lips. He should probably tell Junmyeon...
“I promise it won’t take long...”
Yifan quietly sighed in defeat. Jongdae had been helpful for the past week, and he should be able to fulfill such a small request. “Very well. We’ll leave in half an hour.”
“Y-you will go with me? Yes? Yes!! Yes, Mr. Wu! Thank you very much! I will get ready now!”
The amount of happiness Jongdae’s tone showed was a bit too much, and Yifan didn’t know if he should feel bad or delighted about it.
Yifan didn’t get to send Junmyeon a text after that.
***
Yifan had never really bought anything for his father, because his father had left his mother since he was two. But he once bought something with Junmyeon for the birthday of the latter’s father, so it shouldn’t be that hard to find a gift...
They went to the department store near their office and Jongdae, without hesitation went straight to the men’s sections.
“What do you think I should buy, Mr. Wu?” Jongdae asked as he examined a creme-colored sweater. “Clothes?”
“Do you know your father’s exact size? Because sometimes, different brands have different measure.”
“Ah, you’re right. I should go for something that doesn’t require size...” Jongdae said, bouncing a bit too happily.
It hadn’t been ten minutes since they entered the department store, but Yifan found himself glancing at his watch already. It was then that he remembered his plan to text Junmyeon. Shit. The male hastily searched for his cellphone in his bag.
“This looks nice.”
Yifan was distracted and his line of sight went to what Jongdae was touching. It was a black tie with yellow stripes. Yellow wasn’t exactly Yifan’s favorite, but the tie had nice pattern. It suited a father’s figure...somewhat. Between wanting to go home sooner and wanting to find his cellphone, the taller male nodded approvingly. “It’s nice.”
Jongdae looked hopeful. “Do you like this, Mr. Wu?”
Yifan nodded once again. “I like it. Black is always natural.”
“I’ll purchase this then,” Jongdae grinned. The secretary hummed happily as he grabbed the item and went to the cashier.
Yifan quickly took the opportunity to send a text, but he paused, not knowing of what to say to Junmyeon. Should he say he was going home soon? Or...? Yifan stood alone in his track for a long time, thinking, and by the time Jongdae went back, he was still unfocused.
“Is something wrong, Mr. Wu?”
Yifan snapped back to reality and merely shook his head as an answer. He eyed the plastic bag in Jongdae’s hands nonchalantly. That meant their shopping time was over, and Yifan could go home now. “Are you done? Then we should probably head back.”
“Okay.”
“Be careful on your way home, Jongdae.”
“Wait, Mr. Wu?” Jongdae smiled innocently as he handed the plastic bag to Yifan. “You forgot this...”
“Huh?”
“It’s for you.”
Yifan’s jaw involuntarily dropped at the proffered item. Was Jongdae...trolling him?
“But you said-“
“It’s for my father, yeah. But you see, my father...is dead, Mr. Wu,” Jongdae hesitated momentarily, but his smile didn’t falter. “I lied when I told you it’s for my father. I bought this one for you. Your birthday was on last November, right? And at that time, I was still in college, but I was close to graduation. If only I’ve graduated sooner...”
“Jongdae,” Yifan intercepted sternly. “I can’t take this-“
“No, please, accept this. Think of it as a belated birthday gift, Mr. Wu. And another token of gratitude, if you want. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m done with my shopping and I’m going home now. I’ll see you tomorrow at the office, Mr. Wu.”
Jongdae offhandedly shoved the plastic bag to Yifan, and the latter could do nothing but stare when his secretary ran away.
Yifan glanced at the bag in disbelief.
***
Junmyeon was drying his hair with a towel when Yifan got home.
Yifan half expected Junmyeon to be in the kitchen so that he would have time to sneak in, but the lady of fortune wasn’t in his favor. Yifan almost froze in his track at the sight of his boyfriend, but then he tried to be casual and pried his shoes off like nothing was wrong.
But Junmyeon wasn’t blind. Yifan noticed how Junmyeon tilted his head to one side, eyeing the plastic bag in his grip.
“You bought something.”
Yifan placed his shoes on the rack nervously.
Lie, Yifan. Lie. Lie that yes, you bought it yourself.
“What did you buy, Yifan...?”
Yifan’s shoulders flinched slightly. “It’s...it’s a tie.”
“A tie...? You went out to buy a tie?” Junmyeon looked astonished. “But you still have a lot of unused neckties in your dresser...”
Lie, Yifan, lie.
Yifan swallowed, almost not knowing how to react. Because Junmyeon was right. He still had a lot of unused ties. “I...I didn’t buy it. It’s a gift...from Jongdae, actually.”
“Jongdae...?”
“My secretary.”
“Oh.”
It was the second time the topic about Yifan’s secretary was bought, and it was also the second time Yifan noticed something off about the way Junmyeon responded. But instead of feeling guilty, Yifan was dying to know what was on his boyfriend’s mind.
What are you thinking, Junmyeon?
“Yeah.”
Please, tell me what you think...
Yifan dared himself to pick up his chin to stare at Junmyeon, wanting to know the latter’s reaction. He kind of expected a protest, or a scream, but surprisingly, nothing came. If Junmyeon ever had the urge to do so, he would’ve received an award for being able to suppress it. If it were Yifan, he would’ve definitely snapped.
Junmyeon gazed at Yifan so blankly that it got the latter to wonder if he actually spaced out.
“Junmyeon-“
“Your secretary.”
Yifan fell silent. “Yes?”
“He’s really nice, isn’t he?”
Yifan felt his hands trembling upon hearing the casual retort. He winced in disbelief and there was a terrible pang in his heart. No. Junmyeon couldn’t be serious. It wasn’t the appropriate response when someone heard that his beloved one received a gift from someone-dammit, Yifan couldn’t think of anything at the moment.
Junmyeon isn’t serious. He’s not serious. He cannot be serious.
“Is it black...? I mean, the tie?”
Yifan didn’t know what else to do but to frown. “How did you...?”
“Black’s your favorite color,” Junmyeon shrugged. “But it suits you. At least you’ll wear it since it’s your favorite color... Anyway, have you eaten? I’m gonna make dinner...”
“Babe.”
Junmyeon casually removed the towel from his head, placing it around his shoulders. “Yes?”
“It’s-it’s been a while since we went shopping...” Yifan said slowly, feeling very nervous for no reason. “It’s also been a while since we went to the department store...there were a lot of new things there. We should check them out. Maybe-maybe this weekend?”
“This weekend?”
Junmyeon’s reaction was so flat that Yifan felt like slapping himself for asking.
“You can’t,” Yifan reacted quickly, but he couldn’t hide his bitter tone. “I understand. Maybe next time when you’re free. Anyway, I feel so tired and I’m not hungry...I’m going to bed early tonight.”
“Oh.”
Yifan waited.
“Okay.”
Yifan wished Junmyeon would say something else other than ‘okay’. Unfortunately, his boyfriend said nothing more. His chest tightened as he proceeded to walk across the room, pretending he was okay with the fact that Junmyeon turned around casually to head to the kitchen.
Dammit.
Yifan wasn’t okay at all.
[2]
Author: FloweryMisha
Pairing: KrisHo
Warning: BoyxBoy love. Enough said.
Summary: Yifan is head over heels, but he isn’t sure if Junmyeon feels the same way.
Author's Note: Inspired by an old manga. I want to cry because I don't feel confident about it but sigh...here we go
If you love somebody, let them go. For if they return, they were always yours. And if they don’t, they never were.
--Khalil Gibran
Yifan never really found out what was on Junmyeon’s mind.
Even after living together for three months, the Chinese male couldn’t quite figure his boyfriend out.
Junmyeon kept everything to himself most of the time. If he ever had problems, the fair-skinned male made a very good job of not showing it. Not even once that Yifan had seen him complaining or looked troubled with something. Junmyeon was always smiling.
Not that Yifan minded.
As long as Junmyeon was happy, that was all that mattered.
And Junmyeon’s smile was enough for Yifan to think that they were happy.
Their relationship had been going on for almost six months. It was not Yifan’s first relationship, but he hoped that it would be the last. His friends and family were supportive about his relationship with Junmyeon, but with just a single glance, it was obvious that Yifan was the one head over heels for Junmyeon.
Junmyeon never showed the same sign.
Sometimes, Yifan wondered if Junmyeon only accepted because the latter pitied him. Yifan was helpless and desperate when he tried to ask Junmyeon out. He did his best to capture Junmyeon’s heart, but it took more than three months to convince Junmyeon that Yifan was serious about him. Junmyeon was always smiling, but the truth was, no one really knew what the beautiful male was thinking. Yifan wasn’t sure if Junmyeon was smiling because he really liked Yifan in return, or was it actually an annoyed smile.
Yifan didn’t back away even when Junmyeon said he wasn’t interested in a relationship. Sure, it broke his heart, but Yifan never gave up. He kept on trying and trying, because his heart told him that Junmyeon was the one. And if he couldn’t have him, then no one else could.
Perhaps Junmyeon appreciated his persistency.
Or perhaps, he just accepted to shut Yifan up.
Nonetheless, Junmyeon (finally) said yes when Yifan asked him out for the umpteenth time.
Three months after that, Junmyeon also said yes when Yifan asked him to move in together.
Yifan was so happy. He thought that by living together, things would gradually change between them. He would be able to witness the things that Junmyeon never showed and done to anyone else before. Every day at work, Yifan was excited about going home, because having Junmyeon welcoming him home was the best thing that ever happened to him.
Wasn’t that a good sign?
That Junmyeon was as madly in love as Yifan?
Hopefully.
Not even once that Yifan had seen Junmyeon pouting or sulking. Yifan sincerely hoped that it was a good thing that the male cherished their relationship just as much as he did. He silently kept on telling himself that like a mantra, but as time went by, Yifan realized that Junmyeon didn’t change.
No.
Junmyeon never changed.
The male kept everything to himself from the beginning of their relationship, and Yifan honestly didn’t know how long he was going to be like that. Junmyeon kept his real self hidden beneath his smiley mask, and there was nothing more Yifan wanted to do but to rip his mask apart and scream to him that he didn’t need to hide anything.
Please, open yourself to me.
Sometimes, Yifan selfishly thought that he deserved more, but he didn’t want to push Junmyeon.
It was all right.
As long as Junmyeon didn’t leave him.
***
It was one of those days where Junmyeon had been silent since morning.
If Yifan was being honest to himself, then this actually happened everyday. But this morning, the silence was different, and Yifan was dying to know what was wrong.
He wanted to know what was on Junmyeon’s mind...
Yifan rested his chin on the heels of his palm in exasperation. His eyes had been going back and forth between the clock and his cellphone. It was lunch time, and Yifan wondered if it was alright for him to contact Junmyeon.
Well, duh, he’s your boyfriend, Yifan, of course it’s alright for you.
But what if he doesn’t pick up?
Worse, what if he rejects the call...?
Yifan sighed deeply.
“You what???”
Yifan gazed at the screen of his cellphone, frowning. Did he accidentally dial Junmyeon’s number...? Where did the voice come from?
“I’m-I’m very sorry-“
Yifan craned his neck to the general direction of his door, his mouth forming a small ‘o’. The voices clearly came from outside his office. Whoever they were, the argument didn’t stop there. When the voices got louder, Yifan rose to his feet and dashed across the room.
He wasn’t surprised to see Victoria dressing elegantly neat as usual-and that one of the voices earlier belonged to her-but Yifan was a bit taken aback by the view of a young male. Yifan didn’t recognize him at all. He still didn’t understand what happened, but judging from Victoria’s wrathful expression, if Yifan didn’t do something about it, the male would be viciously clawed on the face on the next second.
“Victoria?”
“Yifan!” Victoria snarled as she motioned the young male indignantly. “Yifan, your new secretary is horrible!”
Yifan was confused. “My new...secretary?”
“Yes! He messed up our schedules! I told him that I needed to see you at lunch but then he fixed me up after lunch!! Who the hell does he think I am? I am Victoria from FX!” Victoria roared in distaste. She glared at Yifan’s new secretary. “What’s your name again, boy??”
“J-Jongdae, Ma’am.”
“Jongdae, huh? Well Jongdae, if Krystal is as terrible as you, I would’ve had her fired months ago!”
Jongdae turned white at her remark. Yifan thought it was time for him to butt in.
“You don’t have to be so harsh, Victoria,” Yifan said calmly and quickly thought of something to save Jongdae. “Besides, it was me who told him to arrange our meeting after lunch. But now that you’re here, how about you wait in my office first...?”
Victoria’s anger seemed to dissipate as she gracefully ran a hand through her long hair. She let out a content huff. “Very well then. Don’t keep me too long, Yifan.”
Yifan nodded with a simple smile. Victoria glowered at Jongdae once again before walking into Yifan’s office. Yifan waited until Victoria was already in his office before turning to Jongdae. “I’ve never seen you before...”
“Ah!” Jongdae’s eyes widened in shock. “That’s right! I haven’t introduced myself to you! My name is Kim Jongdae, Mr. Wu, and I’m here to cover Sunny-noona!”
“You’re here to cover Sunny? Where did Sunny go...?”
“She went into labor last night, Mr. Wu,” Jongdae’s face brightened as he explained. “And this morning, she gave birth to a very beautiful girl.”
“Oh my god, it’s that time already?” Yifan forgot that his previous secretary was pregnant. “I shall send her some flowers, then. Will you arrange it for me?”
“Sir! Yes, Sir!”
Yifan chuckled. “You don’t have to be that formal, Jongdae. Anyway, I gotta go, Victoria’s waiting. I’m gonna get clawed if I keep her waiting too long...”
“Mr. Wu?”
“Yes?”
Jongdae looked terrified and yet certain when he talked. “I swear I won’t mess up again. I swear on my father’s grave that I will never disappoint you anymore! I will even make an oath for you! Or perhaps a written agreement? I swear you can fire me if I make the same mistake again-“
“Jongdae,” Yifan interrupted firmly.
“Y-yes?”
“It’s all right. Just do your job.”
Jongdae broke into a wide grin as he nodded vigorously. “Yes, Mr. Wu!!”
Yifan’s new secretary was definitely loud.
***
Babe...do you have plans next week...?
So Yifan opted for a text message instead of a phone call, but the Chinese male smacked himself the moment the message was sent. He reread the sent item once again and buried his face on top of the scattering papers on his desk. No matter how many times Yifan read it, the text sounded cheesy and worse, he sounded a bit helpless.
He should’ve trusted his instinct by changing it into something like ‘Let’s go out next week.’
That way, Junmyeon wouldn’t have any reason to decline. ...unless his boyfriend was planning to spend Valentine with someone else. The thought made Yifan turn horror because no, Junmyeon wasn’t supposed to spend Valentine with anyone else!!! He would kill whoever it was if it ever happened!!
Yifan blinked in realization. It’s Valentine’s day next week...
Should he buy something like a gift for Junmyeon then? Chocolate? Cakes? Diamond rings?
Now that Yifan thought about it, it was their first Valentine together. He never really knew what Junmyeon liked, and now with the thick amount of silence between them, he just kind of...lost.
Yifan then got distracted with work, and by the time he got home, it was then that he remembered Junmyeon still hadn’t reply. He checked his cellphone one more time to make sure and braved himself to ask straight to Junmyeon.
The shorter of the two had his back facing Yifan in the kitchen. Yifan waited for a moment, wanting for Junmyeon to realize his presence, but with the sound of running water from the sink, it was probably impossible. Yifan cleared his throat unsurely.
“Babe?”
Junmyeon glanced over his shoulder and Yifan earned a simple smile. “Ah, welcome home...”
Yifan automatically smiled back. “I, uh...sent something to your phone today. Have you read it...?”
“You did? I’m sorry, I was busy. What did you send me...?”
Yifan’s heart sank. You were busy. Really busy that you couldn’t even check your cellphone? At this moment, a part of him wanted to protest out loud, but the other part told him to stay quiet. Yifan chose the second option. He hoped he was able to hide his disappointment by speaking so calmly. “I...I want to ask you out next week.”
“Next week?” Junmyeon looked hesitant. “I already have plans for next week...”
If Yifan’s heart was only sinking before, it had definitely dropped now.
“Oh. I see. Well, maybe next time...?”
Ask what is it, dammit. What is his plans?
Ask him who he’s going with, idiot. What if it’s his ex-boyfriend or something?
Ask him to go with you because it’s Valentine, dumbass.
“Just tell me when you’re free, okay?”
Junmyeon nodded in return. His boyfriend then turned his attention back to the dishes and Yifan sighed inwardly.
It didn’t have to be Valentine, then.
***
When Victoria came by again the next week, she sent a very nasty glance to Jongdae.
Yifan spent the next hour listening to her complaints about why he shouldn’t keep Jongdae as his employee and how he should find a new secretary. He could only nod and chuckle slightly at Victoria’s harsh remarks.
Of course, Yifan wasn’t that mean to fire Jongdae right away. Jongdae was new, and he was only there to cover for Sunny. It was normal for him to make a mistake at his very first day of working. Yifan only did what a boss was supposed to do. He gave Jongdae another chance, and so far, the male had showed his progress.
Yifan expected that Jongdae would as be good as Sunny.
What Yifan didn’t expect was that Jongdae gave him something on Valentine’s day.
He was so disappointed about what happened with Junmyeon that he forgot it was already the 14th of February.
Yifan took a long moment to stare at the box of chocolate Jongdae proffered him, and the younger of the two insisted that it was a token of gratitude for not firing him. It occurred to him that he couldn’t accept it, but Jongdae looked very hopeful and Yifan didn’t want to be considered rude.
So he accepted it half-heartedly.
Besides, it shouldn’t mean anything...right? Jongdae said it was a token of gratitude, then a token of gratitude it was. Full stop.
However, Yifan didn’t know what to do with it but to put the small box on the dining table. Should he eat it? He wasn’t exactly hungry... Or should he just keep it in the refrigerator? And several days after that, pretending that he forgot it was even there in the first place? Or should he just toss it right away?
Yifan groaned in frustration.
“Yifan...?”
Yifan was pulled out of his reveries by Junmyeon’s voice. “H-hey.”
Junmyeon slowly approached him, a curious look was all over his face. “Is that...chocolate?”
“Um,” Yifan directed his gaze back to the small box on the table. Crap. He should’ve hid it. But it was too late to hide everything. “Yeah.”
“Is it edible?” Junmyeon asked innocently as he snatched one from the box. Yifan gawked in shock when his boyfriend casually popped it into his mouth, munching it without any guilt. Junmyeon gave Yifan a thoughtful look before swallowing. “Hmm. It tastes good.”
Yifan visibly stiffened in his seat, and Junmyeon seemed to realize something was wrong.
“What...? What’s wrong...?”
Yifan cleared his throat in uncertainty. “It’s...nothing.”
Junmyeon pressed his palm against his throat with a serious frown. “I don’t feel funny. They’re not poisonous, if that’s what you’ve been worried about. You may eat the chocolate, Yifan.”
“Of course they’re not,” Yifan almost laughed at Junmyeon’s innocent statement. He bemusedly shook his head. “They’re just...from a colleague.”
“Oh.”
There was something about the way Junmyeon said ‘oh’, and Yifan felt bothered by it.
“A colleague. Then...I wasn’t supposed to eat that...?”
“No, no, he said it was a token of gratitude.”
“A token...of gratitude?”
“I have this new secretary at work. Sunny-you remember Sunny, right?-is on maternity leave. During his first day, he messed up my schedule with a business partner, and I didn’t fire him because it was not a fatal mistake in my opinion...” Yifan paused almost helplessly, not wanting Junmyeon to think anything else. He didn’t want any misunderstanding. “And then...I got this.”
On Valentine.
Junmyeon nodded very slowly as he gazed at the box of chocolate. “I see.”
Yifan was about to say more that it was actually unnecessary, but Junmyeon got to him first.
“Your secretary’s really nice...”
Yifan narrowed his eyes in confusion. Nice...? Nice? Wait, was it the right reaction from a boyfriend? Shouldn’t Junmyeon be more...worried, because, hello, a new secretary...? Or did Yifan forget to mention ‘cute new secretary’? Should he mention it now?
Everything Yifan thought was lost the minute Junmyeon snatched another ball of chocolate from the box, but this time he fed the food into Yifan’s mouth. Yifan automatically opened his lips, dumbly obeying what Junmyeon wanted him to do. The tip of Junmyeon’s fingers brushed with Yifan’s lips, but the former pulled his hand away as soon as Yifan closed his mouth.
“It has almond in it,” Junmyeon said softly. “Your favorite, right?”
With that, Junmyeon turned around with a faint smile, leaving Yifan alone by the dining table.
Yifan wished the chocolate was from Junmyeon instead.
***
Yifan wondered if Junmyeon actually found him unreliable.
There were times when Junmyeon looked like he had something on his mind, but Yifan could never bring himself to ask.
Worse, Junmyeon couldn’t even bring himself to share.
It was natural if Yifan wanted his boyfriend to rely on him. He wanted Junmyeon to go to him whenever something troubled him. Yifan wanted Junmyeon to tell what was bothering him. Why couldn’t Junmyeon do such simple things? Did it have anything to do with something Yifan (accidentally) did?
Yifan tried not to think about it, but as time went by, with Junmyeon not telling him and Yifan not asking either, the Chinese male could feel that slowly, but surely, they were drifting apart. The signs were there, and something would definitely happen if Yifan didn’t do anything about it soon.
But...
What if Junmyeon was actually bored with him...? What if Junmyeon thought that they had no future together...?
Yifan clicked his tongue.
Perhaps it was the honest reason behind his own reluctance. He was afraid that all of his negative thoughts were true...because if they did, he wouldn’t know what to do. A life without Junmyeon was the last thing he ever wanted.
Groaning, Yifan scratched the back of his head. Stop thinking non-sense. If Junmyeon really thinks so, he would’ve left you months ago. Yeah. Yeah...Junmyeon’s still with you, so whatever it is on your mind, it isn’t true...
Still, it didn’t stop him from worrying.
Yifan was thinking of sending Junmyeon a text when Jongdae buzzed him on the intercom that afternoon.
“Mr. Wu?”
“Yes, Jongdae?”
“Your schedule is done for the day. Is there anything else I can help, Mr. Wu?”
“I think it’s enough, Jongdae. That will be all. You may go home if you want.”
“Ah, yes, thank you. But...Mr. Wu?”
“Yes?”
Jongdae was silent for a moment.
“I know this might be a bit inappropriate, but...if you don’t have plans after this, will you be so kind to accompany me to look for a present for my father...? I mean, you’re older and I could definitely use your advice...”
Yifan laced his fingers together as he rested them against his lips. He bit his inner cheek as he considered. For his father...? Yifan hesitated. Should he or should he not...? The first thing that came to Yifan’s mind was Junmyeon, of course, but it wasn’t like he needed to go home soon. Besides, even if he did go with Jongdae, he should be able to make it home by dinner...
Jongdae was his secretary.
“Mr. Wu?”
Yifan licked his dry lips. He should probably tell Junmyeon...
“I promise it won’t take long...”
Yifan quietly sighed in defeat. Jongdae had been helpful for the past week, and he should be able to fulfill such a small request. “Very well. We’ll leave in half an hour.”
“Y-you will go with me? Yes? Yes!! Yes, Mr. Wu! Thank you very much! I will get ready now!”
The amount of happiness Jongdae’s tone showed was a bit too much, and Yifan didn’t know if he should feel bad or delighted about it.
Yifan didn’t get to send Junmyeon a text after that.
***
Yifan had never really bought anything for his father, because his father had left his mother since he was two. But he once bought something with Junmyeon for the birthday of the latter’s father, so it shouldn’t be that hard to find a gift...
They went to the department store near their office and Jongdae, without hesitation went straight to the men’s sections.
“What do you think I should buy, Mr. Wu?” Jongdae asked as he examined a creme-colored sweater. “Clothes?”
“Do you know your father’s exact size? Because sometimes, different brands have different measure.”
“Ah, you’re right. I should go for something that doesn’t require size...” Jongdae said, bouncing a bit too happily.
It hadn’t been ten minutes since they entered the department store, but Yifan found himself glancing at his watch already. It was then that he remembered his plan to text Junmyeon. Shit. The male hastily searched for his cellphone in his bag.
“This looks nice.”
Yifan was distracted and his line of sight went to what Jongdae was touching. It was a black tie with yellow stripes. Yellow wasn’t exactly Yifan’s favorite, but the tie had nice pattern. It suited a father’s figure...somewhat. Between wanting to go home sooner and wanting to find his cellphone, the taller male nodded approvingly. “It’s nice.”
Jongdae looked hopeful. “Do you like this, Mr. Wu?”
Yifan nodded once again. “I like it. Black is always natural.”
“I’ll purchase this then,” Jongdae grinned. The secretary hummed happily as he grabbed the item and went to the cashier.
Yifan quickly took the opportunity to send a text, but he paused, not knowing of what to say to Junmyeon. Should he say he was going home soon? Or...? Yifan stood alone in his track for a long time, thinking, and by the time Jongdae went back, he was still unfocused.
“Is something wrong, Mr. Wu?”
Yifan snapped back to reality and merely shook his head as an answer. He eyed the plastic bag in Jongdae’s hands nonchalantly. That meant their shopping time was over, and Yifan could go home now. “Are you done? Then we should probably head back.”
“Okay.”
“Be careful on your way home, Jongdae.”
“Wait, Mr. Wu?” Jongdae smiled innocently as he handed the plastic bag to Yifan. “You forgot this...”
“Huh?”
“It’s for you.”
Yifan’s jaw involuntarily dropped at the proffered item. Was Jongdae...trolling him?
“But you said-“
“It’s for my father, yeah. But you see, my father...is dead, Mr. Wu,” Jongdae hesitated momentarily, but his smile didn’t falter. “I lied when I told you it’s for my father. I bought this one for you. Your birthday was on last November, right? And at that time, I was still in college, but I was close to graduation. If only I’ve graduated sooner...”
“Jongdae,” Yifan intercepted sternly. “I can’t take this-“
“No, please, accept this. Think of it as a belated birthday gift, Mr. Wu. And another token of gratitude, if you want. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m done with my shopping and I’m going home now. I’ll see you tomorrow at the office, Mr. Wu.”
Jongdae offhandedly shoved the plastic bag to Yifan, and the latter could do nothing but stare when his secretary ran away.
Yifan glanced at the bag in disbelief.
***
Junmyeon was drying his hair with a towel when Yifan got home.
Yifan half expected Junmyeon to be in the kitchen so that he would have time to sneak in, but the lady of fortune wasn’t in his favor. Yifan almost froze in his track at the sight of his boyfriend, but then he tried to be casual and pried his shoes off like nothing was wrong.
But Junmyeon wasn’t blind. Yifan noticed how Junmyeon tilted his head to one side, eyeing the plastic bag in his grip.
“You bought something.”
Yifan placed his shoes on the rack nervously.
Lie, Yifan. Lie. Lie that yes, you bought it yourself.
“What did you buy, Yifan...?”
Yifan’s shoulders flinched slightly. “It’s...it’s a tie.”
“A tie...? You went out to buy a tie?” Junmyeon looked astonished. “But you still have a lot of unused neckties in your dresser...”
Lie, Yifan, lie.
Yifan swallowed, almost not knowing how to react. Because Junmyeon was right. He still had a lot of unused ties. “I...I didn’t buy it. It’s a gift...from Jongdae, actually.”
“Jongdae...?”
“My secretary.”
“Oh.”
It was the second time the topic about Yifan’s secretary was bought, and it was also the second time Yifan noticed something off about the way Junmyeon responded. But instead of feeling guilty, Yifan was dying to know what was on his boyfriend’s mind.
What are you thinking, Junmyeon?
“Yeah.”
Please, tell me what you think...
Yifan dared himself to pick up his chin to stare at Junmyeon, wanting to know the latter’s reaction. He kind of expected a protest, or a scream, but surprisingly, nothing came. If Junmyeon ever had the urge to do so, he would’ve received an award for being able to suppress it. If it were Yifan, he would’ve definitely snapped.
Junmyeon gazed at Yifan so blankly that it got the latter to wonder if he actually spaced out.
“Junmyeon-“
“Your secretary.”
Yifan fell silent. “Yes?”
“He’s really nice, isn’t he?”
Yifan felt his hands trembling upon hearing the casual retort. He winced in disbelief and there was a terrible pang in his heart. No. Junmyeon couldn’t be serious. It wasn’t the appropriate response when someone heard that his beloved one received a gift from someone-dammit, Yifan couldn’t think of anything at the moment.
Junmyeon isn’t serious. He’s not serious. He cannot be serious.
“Is it black...? I mean, the tie?”
Yifan didn’t know what else to do but to frown. “How did you...?”
“Black’s your favorite color,” Junmyeon shrugged. “But it suits you. At least you’ll wear it since it’s your favorite color... Anyway, have you eaten? I’m gonna make dinner...”
“Babe.”
Junmyeon casually removed the towel from his head, placing it around his shoulders. “Yes?”
“It’s-it’s been a while since we went shopping...” Yifan said slowly, feeling very nervous for no reason. “It’s also been a while since we went to the department store...there were a lot of new things there. We should check them out. Maybe-maybe this weekend?”
“This weekend?”
Junmyeon’s reaction was so flat that Yifan felt like slapping himself for asking.
“You can’t,” Yifan reacted quickly, but he couldn’t hide his bitter tone. “I understand. Maybe next time when you’re free. Anyway, I feel so tired and I’m not hungry...I’m going to bed early tonight.”
“Oh.”
Yifan waited.
“Okay.”
Yifan wished Junmyeon would say something else other than ‘okay’. Unfortunately, his boyfriend said nothing more. His chest tightened as he proceeded to walk across the room, pretending he was okay with the fact that Junmyeon turned around casually to head to the kitchen.
Dammit.
Yifan wasn’t okay at all.
[2]