You Belong With Me [1/2]
Title: You Belong With Me [1/2]
Author: FloweryMisha
Pairing: KrisHo
Warning: BoyxBoy love. Enough said.
Summary: Losing Junmyeon was never an option.
Author's Note: Somewhat inspired by this. I hope you like this one ;; forgive me if you don't because I suck AND PLEASE, NO TRANSLATIONS ALLOWED!
You never lose by loving.
You always lose by holding back.
--Barbara De Angelis
Yifan fell in love with Junmyeon at the first sight.
Funny how he could conclude it that way-he had just turned six at that time. Junmyeon’s family had just moved next door at winter and Yifan still remembered the shy smile the former gave him like it was yesterday when his parents went to their house and introduced the whole family. It started small, but then the feeling became so strong that Yifan himself felt scared.
It was Christmas when Yifan accidentally held Junmyeon’s hand. The younger male tripped over the snowman he built and Yifan pulled Junmyeon closer by the arm so that he didn’t fall. Junmyeon scratched his nose at his own clumsiness and smiled timidly at the taller male. Yifan, dumbfounded at the smile, slowly moved his hand from Junmyeon’s arm downward to entwine their fingers together. Patches of pink appeared in Junmyeon’s cheeks as he looked up.
Their skins didn’t completely touch because of the gloves, but it was enough for Yifan to understand something.
He never wanted to let go.
Years went by in a breeze as they grew up together. Junmyeon was a year younger than Yifan, but they were in the same grade. They were very close that they basically did everything together. Yifan would always pick Junmyeon up at his house and they would go to school together every morning. The habit continued even until they were in high school. Even though they weren’t in the same class and they took different clubs, Yifan would wait patiently until Junmyeon was done and then they would always go home together.
Precious was an understatement.
Junmyeon is everything to him.
Yifan loved the way Junmyeon curled his fingers against his lips whenever he laughed. Yifan loved his shy smile. Yifan loved it whenever they were pressed together-in the trains, on the couch, side by side walking down the streets. Yifan even loved the cute pout Junmyeon gave him whenever they found out he grew a few inches taller while the latter stopped growing.
Throughout the years, his feelings had evolved into something deep. Yifan was starting to have ‘wants’ and ‘needs’. He wanted Junmyeon to look at him and him only. He needed Junmyeon to stay beside him, to cheer him on his basketball matches and to calm him when he failed algebra. He wanted to hold Junmyeon’s hand forever. He needed Junmyeon’s smile when he felt down.
They had spent so much time together that Yifan didn’t think there were secrets between them anymore. They were used to each other’s presence twenty four seven. Junmyeon loved Yifan’s bedroom-which was why it was always him who came over and not the other way around. They talked, they ate, they studied, they watched movies, they slept together, everything. Yifan loved it the most whenever Junmyeon cuddled to him (because they were getting older and taller while the bed didn’t) as if he belonged there. When it happened, he usually wouldn’t be able to close his eyes. Because he wanted to stare a bit longer at his best friend.
Best friend.
Yeah.
They were best friends.
Junmyeon was his most important person in the world-best friend, Yifan reminded himself bitterly-that he was so scared to tell him how he felt. The male cherished what they had too much that losing Junmyeon was never an option. What if he confessed and everything went bad? What if Junmyeon was straight, unlike him?
All this time, Yifan had never said a girl’s name-he was way too careful about that-or a boy, for that matter. Yifan never really cared about any other people. His eyes were fixed on Kim Junmyeon. Fortunately, Junmyeon did the same to him, but Yifan couldn’t risk anything.
There were times when Yifan just wanted to pretend that he was straight and accepted one of the confessions addressed to him, because his feelings for Junmyeon had gone deeper and deeper and he needed something to distract himself from it, but it would all vanish instantly the moment Junmyeon tugged the end of his shirt and gave him a warm smile. All of Yifan’s doubts would disappear into thin air and it would remind him that the beautiful male before him was the reason why he didn’t date.
That Junmyeon was the reason why he never gave his heart to anyone else.
Wu Yifan had fallen for Kim Junmyeon.
Hard.
And a bit bruised, but not that he minded.
***
Yifan had been practicing to keep a straight face for the worst possibilities.
Junmyeon had gotten more beautiful for the past few years and Yifan had to stop himself from jumping off the cliff every time he heard rumors people confessing to Junmyeon (or grabbed a knife and stabbed all those people-dammit, it was a hard choice).
Unlike him, Junmyeon had a hard time rejecting because they kept on chasing him. If it kept on happening, the male might end up accepting one of the girls and if that time ever came, Yifan would lock himself in the room for weeks and starve himself to death and refuse to come out for the rest of his life-probably.
No, definitely.
Eventually, it happened. Despite the fact that the news hit him hard like a slap on his cheek, Yifan kept a blank face. Junmyeon had been acting weird for the past few days, he realized, but it could’ve been just the weather. Or the difficult mid term exams they had been having. Or maybe giving up to someone’s endless confessions and accepting it just for the sake of her to shut up.
“Yifan, I’m seeing someone…”
His heart crumbled to pieces and it shattered so badly that no one would be able to glue it back to whole. He was thinking of feeding the birds in the park the broken pieces of his heart when Junmyeon hesitantly called his name again. Yifan forced himself to smile.
“Yifan...?”
“I’m happy.”
Yifan mentally berated himself for such a spontaneous yet stupid reaction.
“You-you are...?”
“Y-yeah. I’m-I’m happy for you. So, who’s the lucky girl?”
Junmyeon’s shoulders twitched slightly and he refused to meet his gaze. Yifan noticed him swallowing thickly before shaking his head.
“It’s-it’s not...”
“Huh?”
“It’s-it’s a he...”
Yifan needed more than ten seconds to process Junmyeon’s words. The latter looked utterly ashamed and his eyes went teary. Yifan’s jaw slowly dropped as he gaped. No words came out and his face must have been extremely ugly because Junmyeon went pale at his expression.
It’s a HE???????
“Do-do you hate me…?”
Yifan did his best to ignore his own screaming and flipping tables and head banging on the walls of his brain as he stared. He pinched himself hard and winced in pain, but the internal screaming did not stop. “What?”
“I…” Junmyeon sunk his teeth on his lower lip. “The fact that I’m…not…” He trailed off and stared helplessly at Yifan, but the latter still gave him an unreadable stare. “…straight…”
“O-oh,” Yifan choked on nothing. He imagined himself jumping off of a building because dear Kim Junmyeon, I am gay for you and how could you not notice that?
His short replies made Junmyeon really worried. Junmyeon must have mistook it as a sign of dislike as they fell into a very uncomfortable silence.
Yifan felt a lot of things, but right now he felt incredibly stupid. Imbecile. Idiot. He had been in love with Junmyeon all of these years and how could he not notice that the object of his affection was attracted to the same gender?? Was it because he was too scared to ruin everything? Or was it because he told himself repeatedly that all of the subtle touches and longing glances were nothing but the affection of a best friend?
Mini Yifan had just pulled a gun and pointed it to his brain.
“Yifan…?”
Junmyeon’s sobs snapped him back to reality. He had taken a few steps farther, away from Yifan and he only stared in silence. Junmyeon must have thought Yifan really hated him because the male did nothing to pull him closer. While Yifan never let him drifted more than two steps when they were together.
“I’m sorry…”
“It’s-it’s all right.”
Junmyeon looked up in disbelief. His eyes were teary and Yifan felt like kissing away those tears, but of course he did nothing. “Wh-what…?”
“I said it’s all right,” Yifan said with a gentle smile, the one he wished he could wipe off of his face because no, he was not alright. He reluctantly placed a hand on Junmyeon’s arm and gave it a calming squeeze. “It’s all right.”
“Don’t hate me,” Junmyeon choked as Yifan pulled him closer. He fearfully leaned forward to rest his head on the taller male’s chest, but Yifan didn’t shy away. “Don’t hate me, Yifan…”
Yifan wondered if he could hate himself instead for the rest of his life for being so stupid.
***
When Junmyeon introduced Zhang Yixing as his boyfriend, Yifan had a feeling he wouldn’t like the male at all.
Yixing seemed like a nice guy, except for the fact that he had stolen Junmyeon from him and he felt like running after the guy with a chainsaw and chopped him to pieces. But it’s your fault. Yifan wanted to strangle his inner self for reminding him that. Nonetheless, he smiled in return and accepted the firm handshake that was offered to him.
All of a sudden, Junmyeon’s world didn’t revolve around him anymore.
Yifan should’ve seen it coming, heck, he was expecting it, but it still hurt when it really happened.
The beautiful male was starting to spend more time with Yixing (Duh, what do you expect, they’re dating). There were times when Yifan patiently waited for him after school, but then he found out that Junmyeon had already gone home with Yixing. Junmyeon stopped coming over-maybe because he was already in a relationship now, or maybe because his boyfriend told him not to. Yifan felt like throwing something across the yard whenever he caught a glimpse of a male with the dimple showing up at Junmyeon’s house.
Yifan tried to heal his heartbreak by studying because final exams were coming soon, but it was no use. It got him to feel more miserable because Junmyeon wasn’t there to teach him algebra and he wondered if Junmyeon had done his English homework. ...or he probably asked for his boyfriend’s help.
The week ended too slow to his liking but Yifan did survive. The months passed by in a blink of an eye and then graduation was near. Yifan went ecstatic when he received the acceptance letter from the M University-the dream university he and Junmyeon had been aiming for. For a moment, he almost couldn’t hold himself and ran across to Junmyeon’s house-but then he halted.
There was no guarantee that Junmyeon still had the same dream as him.
Who knew, he probably changed his mind the moment he dated Yixing.
Yifan had read somewhere in a magazine that no matter how close you were with your best friends, there would be a phase when you would go separate ways-either it was to chase the dreams or simply because the dream person had appeared in front of your eyes. Sure, Junmyeon and him had different interests and hobbies, it didn’t really matter. However, Yifan had been preparing himself just in case the second option happened-one day, Junmyeon would come to him with a wide, dumb grin chiseled on his face and tell him that he was dating someone.
A girl.
A freaking woman.
Definitely not a man.
Because if it were a man, it was supposed to be him.
Such a selfish thought.
Yifan wanted to cackle at his sad life when someone knocked on the door. It pulled him out of his thoughts and he cleared his throat. “Come in.”
The door swung open and Junmyeon shyly peeked inside. “Hi.”
YIfan’s heart almost came to a stop. “H-hi.”
“Am I disturbing you...?”
“N-no. Come in.”
Junmyeon nodded to himself as he stepped into the room. Usually, he wouldn’t hesitate to plop himself down on Yifan’s bed and acted like it was his own room, but not this time. Junmyeon looked nervous as he scanned around the place. Yifan frowned because even though it had been a while since he last came, but nothing had really changed. Everything was still the way it used to, as if it was prepared for the presence of Junmyeon.
Including Yifan’s heart.
It would never change.
“Um…” Junmyeon started reluctantly. He paused in the middle of the room before sliding to the nearest chair. Junmyeon eyed the letter of acceptance in Yifan’s hand. “Oh. Wow. You got accepted...?”
Yifan raised his brows as he held up the letter. “Yeah.”
“I’m really happy for you,” Junmyeon beamed at him and he bloomed into a toothy smile. “So are you going to take the dorm or…?”
Yifan opened his mouth to retort, but the words were swallowed back and replaced with another question. “Did you get accepted…?”
“Me?” There were blotches of pink on Junmyeon’s cheeks. “No…”
“You didn’t? Did you fail a subject?”
“N-no. I just-I didn’t apply to M University…”
“...you what?”
Yifan’s tone was so cold that Junmyeon flinched in fear.
“I-I wanted to take literature, Yifan…and-and K University is better-”
“Well, couldn’t you just take literature at the same university? I thought it was our dream to study there,” Yifan snapped crudely. Junmyeon’s expression changed at that and Yifan groaned as he ran a hand through his hair. “I feel stupid now. I’ve been holding on to our dream ever since we were ten. What the hell happened, Junmyeon??”
“I-“
“Ugh. Don’t tell me that ‘people change’ shit.”
Junmyeon widened his eyes. “I… I just…”
“Did your boyfriend choose K University too?”
Junmyeon’s faltered expression showed it all.
“You know what? Never mind,” Yifan held up a hand to signal him to stop talking, even though he barely gave him the chance. “People do change. And if you can, so can I. In that case, I should probably take the opportunity to live away from home.” From you. “Dormitory sounds nice. Who knows I might find a hot roommate.”
He didn’t mean to sound so rude, especially with the fact that Junmyeon had no idea his (ex) best friend wasn’t straight. Upon hearing those words, the pretty male’s face turned sour and Junmyeon slowly rose to his feet. Still, Yifan could feel the sincerity in his tone as he spoke.
“I hope you do, Yifan.”
Yifan’s chest tightened.
No.
“I really hope you do…”
I only love you, Junmyeon. Can’t you see that?
Junmyeon turned around to leave and after giving Yifan one last longing glance, he did.
***
Yifan didn’t take the dorm.
Simply because Junmyeon didn’t, too.
By the time they knew it, they had gotten busy with classes and stuffs that they rarely met each other. Sometimes the light in Junmyeon’s room was still on when he got home, indicating the male was there, but most of the times, it didn’t.
Yifan missed him.
He missed Junmyeon badly. He missed being needed, he missed his shy smile, he missed his warmth whenever they fell asleep beside each other in Yifan’s single bed. He missed the way Junmyeon hid his face on his back when they were watching horror movies. He missed everything they did.
And now that Junmyeon was dating Yixing...
Yifan mentally groaned.
Weeks turned to months and before he knew it, the first semester had ended.
His parents were out for a function by the time he got home and his mother left no food in the refrigerator. The tall male was about to leave the house in order to grab something because he was hungry, but obviously it was a mistake because he met Junmyeon.
Who was with Yixing, by the way.
Junmyeon visibly tensed when their eyes met and Yifan wished he could express something other than the blank emotion. He wasn’t that cold, honestly, especially when it came to Junmyeon, but the view of Yixing just bothered him.
“Hey, Yifan,” Yixing greeted coolly. “Going somewhere?”
Yifan sent him a (scary) blank stare before nodding.
“Ah, why don’t you come with us, then?” Yixing turned to Junmyeon for approval. “He can come along, right? You’re allowed to bring more than one person, right?”
Junmyeon looked uncomfortable. “I-I guess...”
Yifan still didn’t show any expression (although his heart beat so fast because Junmyeon looked very pretty in the sweater he bought him last Christmas).
“There’s this party at the K university,” Yixing shrugged. “Apparently it’s a tradition to celebrate whenever the exams are over. They are allowed to bring friends and lovers, too. So what do you say, Yifan?”
A frown was starting to form in Yifan’s forehead-a sign that he was thinking. Junmyeon found himself smiling slightly at this, because maybe, just maybe, he knew him too much and he had an idea of what was on his mind.
“There’ll be food,” Junmyeon said softly. “You haven’t eaten, right...?”
Junmyeon understood him too much.
Which was why he agreed-and regretted his decision as soon as they arrived at the said place. Walking with Junmyeon and Yixing had been awkward, of course, not forgetting to mention that he practically glared every time Yixing was standing too close to his Junmyeon. It got more awkward because the couple went to God knew where and left Yifan alone in a strange place with unknown people the moment they entered the house.
Yifan made his way to the safest place-the corner.
Funny how his hunger had dissipated and it was replaced by a feeling of dislike. The feeling was so big that he wasn’t sure if it was just a simple thing of ‘I don’t like you’ but more of the ‘get your hands off of him, dammit’ kind of dislike toward Yixing.
It took Yifan exactly twenty two minutes and thirty seconds to realize that what the hell was he doing there? Did he come just because there would be food-which wasn’t on his mind the moment he got there-or was it because of Junmyeon’s soft voice and he somehow had a small hope of they would talk more or was it because...
...because he wanted to be with him so badly even for five minutes?
Yifan inwardly sighed.
He should just get going and grab dinner for sure this time.
The tall male pushed himself off of the wall and started looking for Junmyeon. He planned to be brief and told him that he was going. Yifan ignored the curious look thrown to him-they probably wondered who he was, considering they were all K university students. He was about to give up to look for Junmyeon when he suddenly caught Yixing’s back on him at the end of the room, pinning someone onto the wall.
Yifan didn’t even need to look twice to understand that they were kissing.
Kissing.
Yixing moved slightly and Yifan could see Junmyeon’s shirt peeking. Oh, how he wished it was someone else’s shirt instead of Junmyeon’s. How he wished it was him instead who kissed him because Yixing was short and Yifan would’ve been the perfect height to tower over Junmyeon and-
Yifan forced himself to turn around.
He internally cursed himself for staring longer than he should, because it hurt him. Junmyeon was supposed to be his, dammit. The beautiful male was supposed to be his and not anyone else’s. A thousand things ran through his mind-anger, hurt, jealousy, regret, despair, misery-as he desperately searched for the exit. He needed to get out of the damn place.
Yifan wasn’t thinking very clearly when he bumped onto someone.
“Ah!” The male cried.
“Sorry,” Yifan immediately uttered as he grabbed the male’s arm as an attempt to not let him fall. He froze momentarily because it reminded him of his first time holding hands with Junmyeon.
“It’s-“ The male sniffled. “It’s all right.”
Yifan frowned as he examined the other person. His eyes were red and puffy and he couldn’t tell if it was from too much drinking or because he had been crying. He knew he shouldn’t get involved, but he couldn’t help it. “Are you all right?”
“Yeah-no, actually. I just-“ He was starting to sob and Yifan realized that he had been crying. “I need to get out of here.”
“I need that too,” Yifan said without thinking. “Come, I’ll call a cab for you.” The other male nodded at him gratefully. He almost stumbled forward (Okay, maybe you are a bit drunk, Yifan sighed) but again, Yifan managed to catch him before placing an arm on the shorter male’s back as they walked.
Junmyeon softly pushed Yixing away. The latter didn’t really pull away because their lips were still very close. Junmyeon looked down on Yixing’s collar. “It’s-it’s done, right?”
“What is...?”
“You-you told me if I let you kiss me, I can find Yifan...”
Yixing exhaled loudly through his nose. “...you’re really worried about your neighbor, huh? He’s a grown up, Junmyeon-ah. I’m sure he’s fine. He’s probably hitting on someone as we speak. Yifan’s an attractive man.”
“He’s not like that,” Junmyeon said defensively, even though he himself wasn’t sure. He hadn’t talked to Yifan for quite a long while, who knew if his best friend had changed... There was a pang in Junmyeon’s chest at the words.
Best friend.
Really...?
“Whatever you say. I’ll go get your drink,” Yixing patted Junmyeon’s shoulder as he went away to the kitchen.
Junmyeon then proceeded to find Yifan. It was easy to find the blond haired male since his height stood out among the crowds. The male opened his mouth to call out his name, but closed it back upon seeing Yifan placing an arm on someone’s back and walked together toward the exit. A male, to be exact. Junmyeon recognized the shirt. It was his senior-his prettiest senior in the campus, to be exact.
His heart stung.
Junmyeon took a step back with a hand clutched on his chest, and his eyes were suddenly burning with something he didn’t understand. He was tempted to just call Yifan out for a second, but then he swallowed everything back and retreated to Yixing.
[2]
Author: FloweryMisha
Pairing: KrisHo
Warning: BoyxBoy love. Enough said.
Summary: Losing Junmyeon was never an option.
Author's Note: Somewhat inspired by this. I hope you like this one ;; forgive me if you don't because I suck AND PLEASE, NO TRANSLATIONS ALLOWED!
You never lose by loving.
You always lose by holding back.
--Barbara De Angelis
Yifan fell in love with Junmyeon at the first sight.
Funny how he could conclude it that way-he had just turned six at that time. Junmyeon’s family had just moved next door at winter and Yifan still remembered the shy smile the former gave him like it was yesterday when his parents went to their house and introduced the whole family. It started small, but then the feeling became so strong that Yifan himself felt scared.
It was Christmas when Yifan accidentally held Junmyeon’s hand. The younger male tripped over the snowman he built and Yifan pulled Junmyeon closer by the arm so that he didn’t fall. Junmyeon scratched his nose at his own clumsiness and smiled timidly at the taller male. Yifan, dumbfounded at the smile, slowly moved his hand from Junmyeon’s arm downward to entwine their fingers together. Patches of pink appeared in Junmyeon’s cheeks as he looked up.
Their skins didn’t completely touch because of the gloves, but it was enough for Yifan to understand something.
He never wanted to let go.
Years went by in a breeze as they grew up together. Junmyeon was a year younger than Yifan, but they were in the same grade. They were very close that they basically did everything together. Yifan would always pick Junmyeon up at his house and they would go to school together every morning. The habit continued even until they were in high school. Even though they weren’t in the same class and they took different clubs, Yifan would wait patiently until Junmyeon was done and then they would always go home together.
Precious was an understatement.
Junmyeon is everything to him.
Yifan loved the way Junmyeon curled his fingers against his lips whenever he laughed. Yifan loved his shy smile. Yifan loved it whenever they were pressed together-in the trains, on the couch, side by side walking down the streets. Yifan even loved the cute pout Junmyeon gave him whenever they found out he grew a few inches taller while the latter stopped growing.
Throughout the years, his feelings had evolved into something deep. Yifan was starting to have ‘wants’ and ‘needs’. He wanted Junmyeon to look at him and him only. He needed Junmyeon to stay beside him, to cheer him on his basketball matches and to calm him when he failed algebra. He wanted to hold Junmyeon’s hand forever. He needed Junmyeon’s smile when he felt down.
They had spent so much time together that Yifan didn’t think there were secrets between them anymore. They were used to each other’s presence twenty four seven. Junmyeon loved Yifan’s bedroom-which was why it was always him who came over and not the other way around. They talked, they ate, they studied, they watched movies, they slept together, everything. Yifan loved it the most whenever Junmyeon cuddled to him (because they were getting older and taller while the bed didn’t) as if he belonged there. When it happened, he usually wouldn’t be able to close his eyes. Because he wanted to stare a bit longer at his best friend.
Best friend.
Yeah.
They were best friends.
Junmyeon was his most important person in the world-best friend, Yifan reminded himself bitterly-that he was so scared to tell him how he felt. The male cherished what they had too much that losing Junmyeon was never an option. What if he confessed and everything went bad? What if Junmyeon was straight, unlike him?
All this time, Yifan had never said a girl’s name-he was way too careful about that-or a boy, for that matter. Yifan never really cared about any other people. His eyes were fixed on Kim Junmyeon. Fortunately, Junmyeon did the same to him, but Yifan couldn’t risk anything.
There were times when Yifan just wanted to pretend that he was straight and accepted one of the confessions addressed to him, because his feelings for Junmyeon had gone deeper and deeper and he needed something to distract himself from it, but it would all vanish instantly the moment Junmyeon tugged the end of his shirt and gave him a warm smile. All of Yifan’s doubts would disappear into thin air and it would remind him that the beautiful male before him was the reason why he didn’t date.
That Junmyeon was the reason why he never gave his heart to anyone else.
Wu Yifan had fallen for Kim Junmyeon.
Hard.
And a bit bruised, but not that he minded.
***
Yifan had been practicing to keep a straight face for the worst possibilities.
Junmyeon had gotten more beautiful for the past few years and Yifan had to stop himself from jumping off the cliff every time he heard rumors people confessing to Junmyeon (or grabbed a knife and stabbed all those people-dammit, it was a hard choice).
Unlike him, Junmyeon had a hard time rejecting because they kept on chasing him. If it kept on happening, the male might end up accepting one of the girls and if that time ever came, Yifan would lock himself in the room for weeks and starve himself to death and refuse to come out for the rest of his life-probably.
No, definitely.
Eventually, it happened. Despite the fact that the news hit him hard like a slap on his cheek, Yifan kept a blank face. Junmyeon had been acting weird for the past few days, he realized, but it could’ve been just the weather. Or the difficult mid term exams they had been having. Or maybe giving up to someone’s endless confessions and accepting it just for the sake of her to shut up.
“Yifan, I’m seeing someone…”
His heart crumbled to pieces and it shattered so badly that no one would be able to glue it back to whole. He was thinking of feeding the birds in the park the broken pieces of his heart when Junmyeon hesitantly called his name again. Yifan forced himself to smile.
“Yifan...?”
“I’m happy.”
Yifan mentally berated himself for such a spontaneous yet stupid reaction.
“You-you are...?”
“Y-yeah. I’m-I’m happy for you. So, who’s the lucky girl?”
Junmyeon’s shoulders twitched slightly and he refused to meet his gaze. Yifan noticed him swallowing thickly before shaking his head.
“It’s-it’s not...”
“Huh?”
“It’s-it’s a he...”
Yifan needed more than ten seconds to process Junmyeon’s words. The latter looked utterly ashamed and his eyes went teary. Yifan’s jaw slowly dropped as he gaped. No words came out and his face must have been extremely ugly because Junmyeon went pale at his expression.
It’s a HE???????
“Do-do you hate me…?”
Yifan did his best to ignore his own screaming and flipping tables and head banging on the walls of his brain as he stared. He pinched himself hard and winced in pain, but the internal screaming did not stop. “What?”
“I…” Junmyeon sunk his teeth on his lower lip. “The fact that I’m…not…” He trailed off and stared helplessly at Yifan, but the latter still gave him an unreadable stare. “…straight…”
“O-oh,” Yifan choked on nothing. He imagined himself jumping off of a building because dear Kim Junmyeon, I am gay for you and how could you not notice that?
His short replies made Junmyeon really worried. Junmyeon must have mistook it as a sign of dislike as they fell into a very uncomfortable silence.
Yifan felt a lot of things, but right now he felt incredibly stupid. Imbecile. Idiot. He had been in love with Junmyeon all of these years and how could he not notice that the object of his affection was attracted to the same gender?? Was it because he was too scared to ruin everything? Or was it because he told himself repeatedly that all of the subtle touches and longing glances were nothing but the affection of a best friend?
Mini Yifan had just pulled a gun and pointed it to his brain.
“Yifan…?”
Junmyeon’s sobs snapped him back to reality. He had taken a few steps farther, away from Yifan and he only stared in silence. Junmyeon must have thought Yifan really hated him because the male did nothing to pull him closer. While Yifan never let him drifted more than two steps when they were together.
“I’m sorry…”
“It’s-it’s all right.”
Junmyeon looked up in disbelief. His eyes were teary and Yifan felt like kissing away those tears, but of course he did nothing. “Wh-what…?”
“I said it’s all right,” Yifan said with a gentle smile, the one he wished he could wipe off of his face because no, he was not alright. He reluctantly placed a hand on Junmyeon’s arm and gave it a calming squeeze. “It’s all right.”
“Don’t hate me,” Junmyeon choked as Yifan pulled him closer. He fearfully leaned forward to rest his head on the taller male’s chest, but Yifan didn’t shy away. “Don’t hate me, Yifan…”
Yifan wondered if he could hate himself instead for the rest of his life for being so stupid.
***
When Junmyeon introduced Zhang Yixing as his boyfriend, Yifan had a feeling he wouldn’t like the male at all.
Yixing seemed like a nice guy, except for the fact that he had stolen Junmyeon from him and he felt like running after the guy with a chainsaw and chopped him to pieces. But it’s your fault. Yifan wanted to strangle his inner self for reminding him that. Nonetheless, he smiled in return and accepted the firm handshake that was offered to him.
All of a sudden, Junmyeon’s world didn’t revolve around him anymore.
Yifan should’ve seen it coming, heck, he was expecting it, but it still hurt when it really happened.
The beautiful male was starting to spend more time with Yixing (Duh, what do you expect, they’re dating). There were times when Yifan patiently waited for him after school, but then he found out that Junmyeon had already gone home with Yixing. Junmyeon stopped coming over-maybe because he was already in a relationship now, or maybe because his boyfriend told him not to. Yifan felt like throwing something across the yard whenever he caught a glimpse of a male with the dimple showing up at Junmyeon’s house.
Yifan tried to heal his heartbreak by studying because final exams were coming soon, but it was no use. It got him to feel more miserable because Junmyeon wasn’t there to teach him algebra and he wondered if Junmyeon had done his English homework. ...or he probably asked for his boyfriend’s help.
The week ended too slow to his liking but Yifan did survive. The months passed by in a blink of an eye and then graduation was near. Yifan went ecstatic when he received the acceptance letter from the M University-the dream university he and Junmyeon had been aiming for. For a moment, he almost couldn’t hold himself and ran across to Junmyeon’s house-but then he halted.
There was no guarantee that Junmyeon still had the same dream as him.
Who knew, he probably changed his mind the moment he dated Yixing.
Yifan had read somewhere in a magazine that no matter how close you were with your best friends, there would be a phase when you would go separate ways-either it was to chase the dreams or simply because the dream person had appeared in front of your eyes. Sure, Junmyeon and him had different interests and hobbies, it didn’t really matter. However, Yifan had been preparing himself just in case the second option happened-one day, Junmyeon would come to him with a wide, dumb grin chiseled on his face and tell him that he was dating someone.
A girl.
A freaking woman.
Definitely not a man.
Because if it were a man, it was supposed to be him.
Such a selfish thought.
Yifan wanted to cackle at his sad life when someone knocked on the door. It pulled him out of his thoughts and he cleared his throat. “Come in.”
The door swung open and Junmyeon shyly peeked inside. “Hi.”
YIfan’s heart almost came to a stop. “H-hi.”
“Am I disturbing you...?”
“N-no. Come in.”
Junmyeon nodded to himself as he stepped into the room. Usually, he wouldn’t hesitate to plop himself down on Yifan’s bed and acted like it was his own room, but not this time. Junmyeon looked nervous as he scanned around the place. Yifan frowned because even though it had been a while since he last came, but nothing had really changed. Everything was still the way it used to, as if it was prepared for the presence of Junmyeon.
Including Yifan’s heart.
It would never change.
“Um…” Junmyeon started reluctantly. He paused in the middle of the room before sliding to the nearest chair. Junmyeon eyed the letter of acceptance in Yifan’s hand. “Oh. Wow. You got accepted...?”
Yifan raised his brows as he held up the letter. “Yeah.”
“I’m really happy for you,” Junmyeon beamed at him and he bloomed into a toothy smile. “So are you going to take the dorm or…?”
Yifan opened his mouth to retort, but the words were swallowed back and replaced with another question. “Did you get accepted…?”
“Me?” There were blotches of pink on Junmyeon’s cheeks. “No…”
“You didn’t? Did you fail a subject?”
“N-no. I just-I didn’t apply to M University…”
“...you what?”
Yifan’s tone was so cold that Junmyeon flinched in fear.
“I-I wanted to take literature, Yifan…and-and K University is better-”
“Well, couldn’t you just take literature at the same university? I thought it was our dream to study there,” Yifan snapped crudely. Junmyeon’s expression changed at that and Yifan groaned as he ran a hand through his hair. “I feel stupid now. I’ve been holding on to our dream ever since we were ten. What the hell happened, Junmyeon??”
“I-“
“Ugh. Don’t tell me that ‘people change’ shit.”
Junmyeon widened his eyes. “I… I just…”
“Did your boyfriend choose K University too?”
Junmyeon’s faltered expression showed it all.
“You know what? Never mind,” Yifan held up a hand to signal him to stop talking, even though he barely gave him the chance. “People do change. And if you can, so can I. In that case, I should probably take the opportunity to live away from home.” From you. “Dormitory sounds nice. Who knows I might find a hot roommate.”
He didn’t mean to sound so rude, especially with the fact that Junmyeon had no idea his (ex) best friend wasn’t straight. Upon hearing those words, the pretty male’s face turned sour and Junmyeon slowly rose to his feet. Still, Yifan could feel the sincerity in his tone as he spoke.
“I hope you do, Yifan.”
Yifan’s chest tightened.
No.
“I really hope you do…”
I only love you, Junmyeon. Can’t you see that?
Junmyeon turned around to leave and after giving Yifan one last longing glance, he did.
***
Yifan didn’t take the dorm.
Simply because Junmyeon didn’t, too.
By the time they knew it, they had gotten busy with classes and stuffs that they rarely met each other. Sometimes the light in Junmyeon’s room was still on when he got home, indicating the male was there, but most of the times, it didn’t.
Yifan missed him.
He missed Junmyeon badly. He missed being needed, he missed his shy smile, he missed his warmth whenever they fell asleep beside each other in Yifan’s single bed. He missed the way Junmyeon hid his face on his back when they were watching horror movies. He missed everything they did.
And now that Junmyeon was dating Yixing...
Yifan mentally groaned.
Weeks turned to months and before he knew it, the first semester had ended.
His parents were out for a function by the time he got home and his mother left no food in the refrigerator. The tall male was about to leave the house in order to grab something because he was hungry, but obviously it was a mistake because he met Junmyeon.
Who was with Yixing, by the way.
Junmyeon visibly tensed when their eyes met and Yifan wished he could express something other than the blank emotion. He wasn’t that cold, honestly, especially when it came to Junmyeon, but the view of Yixing just bothered him.
“Hey, Yifan,” Yixing greeted coolly. “Going somewhere?”
Yifan sent him a (scary) blank stare before nodding.
“Ah, why don’t you come with us, then?” Yixing turned to Junmyeon for approval. “He can come along, right? You’re allowed to bring more than one person, right?”
Junmyeon looked uncomfortable. “I-I guess...”
Yifan still didn’t show any expression (although his heart beat so fast because Junmyeon looked very pretty in the sweater he bought him last Christmas).
“There’s this party at the K university,” Yixing shrugged. “Apparently it’s a tradition to celebrate whenever the exams are over. They are allowed to bring friends and lovers, too. So what do you say, Yifan?”
A frown was starting to form in Yifan’s forehead-a sign that he was thinking. Junmyeon found himself smiling slightly at this, because maybe, just maybe, he knew him too much and he had an idea of what was on his mind.
“There’ll be food,” Junmyeon said softly. “You haven’t eaten, right...?”
Junmyeon understood him too much.
Which was why he agreed-and regretted his decision as soon as they arrived at the said place. Walking with Junmyeon and Yixing had been awkward, of course, not forgetting to mention that he practically glared every time Yixing was standing too close to his Junmyeon. It got more awkward because the couple went to God knew where and left Yifan alone in a strange place with unknown people the moment they entered the house.
Yifan made his way to the safest place-the corner.
Funny how his hunger had dissipated and it was replaced by a feeling of dislike. The feeling was so big that he wasn’t sure if it was just a simple thing of ‘I don’t like you’ but more of the ‘get your hands off of him, dammit’ kind of dislike toward Yixing.
It took Yifan exactly twenty two minutes and thirty seconds to realize that what the hell was he doing there? Did he come just because there would be food-which wasn’t on his mind the moment he got there-or was it because of Junmyeon’s soft voice and he somehow had a small hope of they would talk more or was it because...
...because he wanted to be with him so badly even for five minutes?
Yifan inwardly sighed.
He should just get going and grab dinner for sure this time.
The tall male pushed himself off of the wall and started looking for Junmyeon. He planned to be brief and told him that he was going. Yifan ignored the curious look thrown to him-they probably wondered who he was, considering they were all K university students. He was about to give up to look for Junmyeon when he suddenly caught Yixing’s back on him at the end of the room, pinning someone onto the wall.
Yifan didn’t even need to look twice to understand that they were kissing.
Kissing.
Yixing moved slightly and Yifan could see Junmyeon’s shirt peeking. Oh, how he wished it was someone else’s shirt instead of Junmyeon’s. How he wished it was him instead who kissed him because Yixing was short and Yifan would’ve been the perfect height to tower over Junmyeon and-
Yifan forced himself to turn around.
He internally cursed himself for staring longer than he should, because it hurt him. Junmyeon was supposed to be his, dammit. The beautiful male was supposed to be his and not anyone else’s. A thousand things ran through his mind-anger, hurt, jealousy, regret, despair, misery-as he desperately searched for the exit. He needed to get out of the damn place.
Yifan wasn’t thinking very clearly when he bumped onto someone.
“Ah!” The male cried.
“Sorry,” Yifan immediately uttered as he grabbed the male’s arm as an attempt to not let him fall. He froze momentarily because it reminded him of his first time holding hands with Junmyeon.
“It’s-“ The male sniffled. “It’s all right.”
Yifan frowned as he examined the other person. His eyes were red and puffy and he couldn’t tell if it was from too much drinking or because he had been crying. He knew he shouldn’t get involved, but he couldn’t help it. “Are you all right?”
“Yeah-no, actually. I just-“ He was starting to sob and Yifan realized that he had been crying. “I need to get out of here.”
“I need that too,” Yifan said without thinking. “Come, I’ll call a cab for you.” The other male nodded at him gratefully. He almost stumbled forward (Okay, maybe you are a bit drunk, Yifan sighed) but again, Yifan managed to catch him before placing an arm on the shorter male’s back as they walked.
Junmyeon softly pushed Yixing away. The latter didn’t really pull away because their lips were still very close. Junmyeon looked down on Yixing’s collar. “It’s-it’s done, right?”
“What is...?”
“You-you told me if I let you kiss me, I can find Yifan...”
Yixing exhaled loudly through his nose. “...you’re really worried about your neighbor, huh? He’s a grown up, Junmyeon-ah. I’m sure he’s fine. He’s probably hitting on someone as we speak. Yifan’s an attractive man.”
“He’s not like that,” Junmyeon said defensively, even though he himself wasn’t sure. He hadn’t talked to Yifan for quite a long while, who knew if his best friend had changed... There was a pang in Junmyeon’s chest at the words.
Best friend.
Really...?
“Whatever you say. I’ll go get your drink,” Yixing patted Junmyeon’s shoulder as he went away to the kitchen.
Junmyeon then proceeded to find Yifan. It was easy to find the blond haired male since his height stood out among the crowds. The male opened his mouth to call out his name, but closed it back upon seeing Yifan placing an arm on someone’s back and walked together toward the exit. A male, to be exact. Junmyeon recognized the shirt. It was his senior-his prettiest senior in the campus, to be exact.
His heart stung.
Junmyeon took a step back with a hand clutched on his chest, and his eyes were suddenly burning with something he didn’t understand. He was tempted to just call Yifan out for a second, but then he swallowed everything back and retreated to Yixing.
[2]