You throw yourself into their arms, mistresses have all the fun...
...but no one's ever there to take you home. So I don't know anymore. I don't know how to live without you, and that's the WORST thing in my life. I have always been self dependent, and then I met you and my world fell apart. You are the best and worst part of my day. Yet there are some days I long to be able to pick up and go. Like I used to. Remember ditching classes just so I could be with you? I just got up and left. I drove miles, I rode trains for miles, all to get to you. And now I can't. I have a job to go to pretty much every day, and bills to pay, and my daughter who'd be fine without me, but I'd fall apart without her. I know because I've tried. My heart doesn't exist as a whole anymore. It's a vacant cavity in my chest waiting to be filled. And as much as I long for the fill, I don't want it. I let Joe slip between cracks, and fill a small crack, against my better judgment, and look where that left me. I feel that I might break, but you can not break the broken. I want to rewind. Back to August 28th, 2006 and I want to erase you from my life. The one thing in this world that I love more than anything, and I want to erase you. No scratch that, I want to go back, and take back the kiss that knocked down those dominoes. I've never been good at one night stands, and you're proof everyday. I don't know what I got myself into. Needless to say, I love you. Endlessly. Without rhyme or reason, I continue to love you like I've never loved anyone before. I've come close, but no one has ever stayed. And I promise, if you left it wouldn't change a thing. So my situation is hopeless. 110 or 115 by at least February. I want to be beautiful, I want to be naked, and I want some guy to say that I am beautiful and mean it, and not to get into my pants. I want to be the envy of others. I want to be the girl that guys chase after, and once I'm tired of being chased, I want to be the girl that you're afraid to let go. I want one person to realize what I know but never admit to. I want one guy to see just how much I have to offer, and not take it for granted. I know it's a lot to ask for, and I know in my heart why I ask. No one is EVER gonna fill the void you left in me. No one is ever gonna erase a lifetime of hurt and abuse. But maybe someone will call me to say hey dolly, I know I fucked up, but I've always loved you, and I know it doesn't fix or solve anything but I never meant to hurt you because I am a selfish bastard and you remind me of the only woman I ever loved. I'm sorry she hurt you, but don't take it out on me. No amount of abuse will ever make me stop loving you, but it will carve yet another scar no one will ever see, but will know it's there. I am more broken than I know how to self heal. What did I ever do to deserve this?