fic: my girl, gong-chan/yu-rin, pg.
I was rewatching this late into the night yesterday and oh man, Gong-chan angst is way too inspiring. This is more like meta in form of fic but I consider it pretty working so decided to post without beta'ing.
snowbound, helpless
my girl, gong-chan/yu-rin (what else?), takes place at the end of episode 12, 735 words, I obviously don't own the characters and all that.
Gong-chan has always been a bad liar but he keeps telling himself that he's learning. He's learning because of her. But not even her pointers to the art of lying help with the truth within the lie this time.
The hell of denial eats away at him because he knows what he should've done, what he should be suffering right now. He should've set her free when he still had the chance, and faced the consequences of this lie then, and it wouldn't have mattered if grandfather never talked to him again, if he died still angry of Gong-chan's deceit and betrayal. It wasn't a choice between right and wrong, back then, it was one between lesser of two evils - he chose the wrong that gave his grandfather his happiness and would take away Gong-chan's for good, but he didn't know that then.
If he had, maybe he would've chosen otherwise. But probably not. He knows he's never been about himself anyway; there's always been somebody else to live up to, to live for, to work towards. Even now what kills him the most isn't what he's doing to himself but Yu-rin. He hates himself for making her lies hurt her for the first time - tying her to a place she doesn't belong to, doesn't want to be at. He hates the way this lie, enormous and almost too powerful now for them to stop it (but only almost, he knows), throws her further away from the life she wants to lead, her family and friends and pushes her into a life she doesn't even know how to lead, as his cousin. He knows her greed isn't big enough to excuse such a huge lie - she wouldn't say yes to any of this if she didn't care for his family, and that kills him even more. She's bigger than him, willing to handle this scheme as it is, persistent and thick-skinned, bravely standing up when he knows she's so ready to crumble completely.
Mostly he hates himself for hiding, for running away from this ugly thing he built in the first place. Jeju Island is his escape, he plans on just working every day until he's tired, and then sleeping, and then working again. He knows already he'll disconnect the calls home before he can hear her voice over the phone. He knows he's weak and foolish and a coward for doing all of this, and he hates it, hates to let her suffer alone in the hell he created for her, and he wants to support her, but that requires just the thing he can't let show. His love for her is almost as big as this hideous lie, but only almost.
But then he looks up and sees snow through the window, coming down from the sky, and memories of her fill his head. He wants her, so much. He wants her to be his but even more he wants her to be herself. Free like she was before he tied her down for his own purposes, thinking of himself as so selfless while never considering her or where it could all lead.
He can't lie. Not over the phone, not with his back turned towards her, not even with the coin printing a red mark on his palm as he grips it tightly, desperate. He can't lie and he's sorry that he can't, sorry that he has to hide and she.
She shouldn't have to suffer. The snow stops falling on him and he lets go of the coin. It's then that he decides to set her free from his lie and stop hiding. He doesn't know how and he's not sure if he can manage it, but he knows he has to try.
In that irrational moment he leaves the airport and seeks her out, and then just holds her, because he's snowed in and it's her fault, but even more his own and he can't let her hurt because of it. Not like this, anyhow. So he holds her and she sobs into his shoulder, and he knows the reality will set in soon, and then he'll be helpless and lost and want to hide again but now. Now this is all he needs, he thinks as he feels her grip on his coat loosen, her sobs morphing into a smile against him.
---
Notes/further non-fic meta:
Rewatching beginning of ep 13, I notice his objective sort of changes "when the reality (of the situation) sets in" and thus their elopement ends before it even began though with promise of something later. Episode 13 actually begins sort of lightly considering the heart-wretching angst that ended episode 12, but I like it, it's so very My Girl, that scene in the car where they first deny any feeling toward each other in the funniest way and then end up admitting to it in a very shy manner.
Anyway, it does make this angsty ficlet a bit out-of-proportions, perhaps, but I feel Gong-chan's kind of this secretly wounded guy who doesn't really get his pain show too much on the outside - like he doesn't let anything show too much on the outside - but you can bet the insecurities and the pain is there.
I also see him as this guy who's very capable and who ends up doing everything and who's always been good at whatever he does but when he doesn't know what to do, or how to do something, he's completely rubbish at it - which is why he's hopeless at lying because it requires such improvisation. He can make the cake because he has a receipe but with no direction or instructions he wouldn't even know how to make the dough. He knows how to live to people's expectations but he probably has some difficulties with being selfish, wanting something just for himself. Which is why when Yu-rin wants to leave, he makes sure she'll stay, but he doesn't face the reason for this (his feelings for her) then. He probably rationalizes it (grandpa's health and all that stuff) and then ignores the real reason.
And like, this is totally un-meta but omg, how funny is this show? It's so much in the details. Like when they decide to act like cousins and just then Aunty asks Yu-rin to go wake Gong-chan up and it's very uncomfortable for her and just then Mr Chang makes Yu-rin to straighten Gong-chan's tie - and it's so uncomfortable for both of them that she ends up choking him by accident. Hahaha. And when they're shopping for Yu-rin's gym clothes and she's liking some tight, sexy aerobic pants and he insists on buying her these ugly loose cotton slacks because he doesn't want her to look hot in front of Jung-woo. Just the whole interaction there is hilarious. Or the couple rings when he teases her when she asks for his ring back and he puts his hand up and is all, "Haha, can you get it from this high?" Ahh. *dies and goes to a happy place*
snowbound, helpless
my girl, gong-chan/yu-rin (what else?), takes place at the end of episode 12, 735 words, I obviously don't own the characters and all that.
Gong-chan has always been a bad liar but he keeps telling himself that he's learning. He's learning because of her. But not even her pointers to the art of lying help with the truth within the lie this time.
The hell of denial eats away at him because he knows what he should've done, what he should be suffering right now. He should've set her free when he still had the chance, and faced the consequences of this lie then, and it wouldn't have mattered if grandfather never talked to him again, if he died still angry of Gong-chan's deceit and betrayal. It wasn't a choice between right and wrong, back then, it was one between lesser of two evils - he chose the wrong that gave his grandfather his happiness and would take away Gong-chan's for good, but he didn't know that then.
If he had, maybe he would've chosen otherwise. But probably not. He knows he's never been about himself anyway; there's always been somebody else to live up to, to live for, to work towards. Even now what kills him the most isn't what he's doing to himself but Yu-rin. He hates himself for making her lies hurt her for the first time - tying her to a place she doesn't belong to, doesn't want to be at. He hates the way this lie, enormous and almost too powerful now for them to stop it (but only almost, he knows), throws her further away from the life she wants to lead, her family and friends and pushes her into a life she doesn't even know how to lead, as his cousin. He knows her greed isn't big enough to excuse such a huge lie - she wouldn't say yes to any of this if she didn't care for his family, and that kills him even more. She's bigger than him, willing to handle this scheme as it is, persistent and thick-skinned, bravely standing up when he knows she's so ready to crumble completely.
Mostly he hates himself for hiding, for running away from this ugly thing he built in the first place. Jeju Island is his escape, he plans on just working every day until he's tired, and then sleeping, and then working again. He knows already he'll disconnect the calls home before he can hear her voice over the phone. He knows he's weak and foolish and a coward for doing all of this, and he hates it, hates to let her suffer alone in the hell he created for her, and he wants to support her, but that requires just the thing he can't let show. His love for her is almost as big as this hideous lie, but only almost.
But then he looks up and sees snow through the window, coming down from the sky, and memories of her fill his head. He wants her, so much. He wants her to be his but even more he wants her to be herself. Free like she was before he tied her down for his own purposes, thinking of himself as so selfless while never considering her or where it could all lead.
He can't lie. Not over the phone, not with his back turned towards her, not even with the coin printing a red mark on his palm as he grips it tightly, desperate. He can't lie and he's sorry that he can't, sorry that he has to hide and she.
She shouldn't have to suffer. The snow stops falling on him and he lets go of the coin. It's then that he decides to set her free from his lie and stop hiding. He doesn't know how and he's not sure if he can manage it, but he knows he has to try.
In that irrational moment he leaves the airport and seeks her out, and then just holds her, because he's snowed in and it's her fault, but even more his own and he can't let her hurt because of it. Not like this, anyhow. So he holds her and she sobs into his shoulder, and he knows the reality will set in soon, and then he'll be helpless and lost and want to hide again but now. Now this is all he needs, he thinks as he feels her grip on his coat loosen, her sobs morphing into a smile against him.
---
Notes/further non-fic meta:
Rewatching beginning of ep 13, I notice his objective sort of changes "when the reality (of the situation) sets in" and thus their elopement ends before it even began though with promise of something later. Episode 13 actually begins sort of lightly considering the heart-wretching angst that ended episode 12, but I like it, it's so very My Girl, that scene in the car where they first deny any feeling toward each other in the funniest way and then end up admitting to it in a very shy manner.
Anyway, it does make this angsty ficlet a bit out-of-proportions, perhaps, but I feel Gong-chan's kind of this secretly wounded guy who doesn't really get his pain show too much on the outside - like he doesn't let anything show too much on the outside - but you can bet the insecurities and the pain is there.
I also see him as this guy who's very capable and who ends up doing everything and who's always been good at whatever he does but when he doesn't know what to do, or how to do something, he's completely rubbish at it - which is why he's hopeless at lying because it requires such improvisation. He can make the cake because he has a receipe but with no direction or instructions he wouldn't even know how to make the dough. He knows how to live to people's expectations but he probably has some difficulties with being selfish, wanting something just for himself. Which is why when Yu-rin wants to leave, he makes sure she'll stay, but he doesn't face the reason for this (his feelings for her) then. He probably rationalizes it (grandpa's health and all that stuff) and then ignores the real reason.
And like, this is totally un-meta but omg, how funny is this show? It's so much in the details. Like when they decide to act like cousins and just then Aunty asks Yu-rin to go wake Gong-chan up and it's very uncomfortable for her and just then Mr Chang makes Yu-rin to straighten Gong-chan's tie - and it's so uncomfortable for both of them that she ends up choking him by accident. Hahaha. And when they're shopping for Yu-rin's gym clothes and she's liking some tight, sexy aerobic pants and he insists on buying her these ugly loose cotton slacks because he doesn't want her to look hot in front of Jung-woo. Just the whole interaction there is hilarious. Or the couple rings when he teases her when she asks for his ring back and he puts his hand up and is all, "Haha, can you get it from this high?" Ahh. *dies and goes to a happy place*