the love that dare not speak its name (sakshay).
Disclaimer: I was going to filter & flock this but then I thought, fuck it. Those of you scared out of your wits of Indian cinema will know to avoid this. Those not smart enough to do that - your bad. May offend religious sensitivities. Will freak out 95% of Earth's population. MUCH media of various forms (pictures, video) behind cut.
The Sakshay Manifesto
Who needs DDLJ when you have Sakshay? Come fall in love. OK! :D - Mary
In the beginning there was God, and God created Akshay, and then created Saif. And they did a film together called Yeh Dillagi and God saw it was good (and in some ways pretty friggin' awesome), but not good enough. The film had a chick in between them and they played brothers and while the film included some nice comedy moments, this had not been God's original intention. Because as it was meant to be, Saif and Akshay would be together, and form Sakshay, possibly the best duet ever witnessed in the history of film. God had a plan. And thus a film called Main Khiladi Tu Anari was born, and like a phoenix from the (actually quite okay) ashes of Yeh Dillagi it rose and soared through the sky to become one of the only hit films either Saif or Akshay had during the 90's.
MKTA was as close to perfection as God could create anything, it just had it all. Saif (playing an actor in search of roles with substance) falling in love with Akshay (the badass cop on a mission for good) at first sight (or first fight), Akshay being macho and unimpressed with Saif for the longest time, until finally Saif proves himself to be worthy of Akshay's love, and they have a song together.
Sadly no awesome subtitle action to be seen here - the lyrics, quite simply talk about how much these two boys just loooooove beautiful girls. Sure, that's why you touch each other so much, we believe you.
And what a song it was (for a clip with extra weepy couple action, click here!). Never had such crotch thrusting been witnessed on the Indian silver screens. People gasped, laughed, cried as the story took Sakshay to all extremes of emotion, and they cherished the beautiful, beautiful songs that broke the amazingly constructed narrative structure of the film. The film made sure nobody would ever forget the unique dynamic Saif and Akshay's characters explored on-screen. For some, it was eye-opening. For others, like God himself, it was the actualization of the full potential of Sakshay; beautiful, imperfect, crotch-thrusting.
But like all of the great things God has given us, even MKTA had to come to an end. A few years passed, people cried themselves to sleep at night tossing and turning, just wondering if this was the last we'd see of Sakshay. Affected by people's sadness, God stepped forward and delivered the next step in his Ultimate Plan (of Sakshay). However, as he was forming this once-in-a-life-time decision to bring back the greatness of MKTA, somebody (probably Buddha, that enlightened son of a bitch) interrupted him and thus God made an error. And tragic as it was, even God makes errors sometimes. Or rather that he misguided people into making errors, and naturally it's not God's fault (damn you Buddha!).
Tu Chor Main Sipahi was a tragedy by definition; so sadly impotent that it breaks your heart and crushes your poor, little Sakshay-loving soul. A Sakshay movie without Sakshay, a love story without love, a story with only villains and no heroes. In short: bad bad movie. BAD BAD BAD. So bad that indeed God considered smiting all those involved in making it (except two of the finest creations he'd molded with his own pair of godly hands - Saif and Akshay, who could do no wrong, except maybe make nothing but bad bad films during all of the 1990's but this was all a part of God's plan), but God resisted the temptation and just tried to buy the film's rights. He failed and thus Tu Chor Main Sipahi went on to become a DVD release that many a Sakshay fan would purchase and live to regret.
The problem of Tu Chor was just as mentioned previously; the Sakshay movie with a dearth of Sakshay. They don't even have a song together! It's that tragic. But as luck should have it, with the wonders of man-made (but God-influenced) computer technology, it is made possible for us to not look beyond surface and see the very few redeeming qualities of Tu Chor:
It's Akshay under the blanket - and Saif, that is not a hand.
Saif and Akshay are no strangers to bondage.
This just one of the many "Saif talks to Akshay's crotch"-scenes in the film.
Do not be fooled by appearances; this is a shitty movie. So shitty that not even a Sakshay fan would touch it again with a ten-foot pole. That bad. But if you don't want to take it from me, take it from ...me a month back, when I saw this movie and said in my review:
If you for some unimaginable reason feel like you may want to watch [Tu Chor Main Sipahi], slap yourself. Twice, hard, with a broken whiskey bottle, as long as you stop feeling a need to watch this movie. You don't want to. It's just a delusion that will disappear with time. And while you wait for it to go away, go ahead, re-watch your favourite Akshay Kumar film, go search for Keemat on your rental service's database, PM me for MKTA screencaps... Anything at all will do as long as you won't end up watching this movie. I really just can't stress this enough. Life is a precious, limited time slot. Don't use it to see this movie.
And if you really must know, the plot's like, Saif's a robber (chor!) but a good one because he's got 12 grandmothers to take care of, and Akki's a cop (and thus a "soldier" - sipahi!) who's trying to catch Saif. But instead of making the film an interesting game of cat and mouse, the script decides to take the happenings to a villain where only old people and kids live because the rest were killed by villain (Amrish Puri) but not before he made them work for him and hooked them onto narcotics and ... you get the idea yet? This film was SO bad that even the Indian flag is censored because India doesn't want to recognize this piece of shit product as its own.
But nobody should hold this film against God, since his next Sakshay-related divine intervention (and he never really bothered with non-Sakshay-related divine interventions because what was the point in that?) would truly be divine.
Keemat: They Are Back - finally a movie where the tagline fully delivers all of its delicious promise. This was the movie to rival MKTA in Sakshay greatness, truly a one time masterpiece. There was a different sort of greatness to Keemat - it was not MKTA Part Two, but something completely new and innovative.
Okay, maybe not so new...
...but all the more innovative.
From the foot-tappingly catchy cowboy opening song (where we witness one of the best entrances ever captured on film) to the visual brilliance of the infamous dam song, Keemat truly was a winner, especially after the horrendous TCMS.
For one's embedded YouTube video needs, here are two songs from Keemat. First, cowboys!
Aaand dam song!
Special cherry on top, a 100% uncensored Akshay kickass scene, completele with Saif being goofy and Akki's leg ..well, just watch it to find out. Best 6 minute long YouTube video ever, if I say so myself.
After all this grandeur, one began to wonder where God was taking Sakshay, what greater heights could this duo reach? Four movies and already a legend, what was left to achieve? Four more movies? Retirement? MKTA sequel? What was the core of God's plan for Sakshay? And then came the fifth and final Sakshay film (thus far, anyway)...
Aarzoo - the title means "desire, yearning" and indeed it left a lot to be desired. If Keemat was a film to rival MKTA in greatness, Aarzoo was the film to rival Tu Chor in badness. Another sad Sakshay movie without the most important ingredient - Sakshay itself, and on top of that we have a girl come in between them. Me nor God have anything against Madhuri Dixit, but shouldn't she know herself when she's clearly not needed? Drop Madz, and Saif and Akshay would've made do just fine without her in this film.
There's MKTA homage scene but it's lame as hell and Saif's a total girl in this film and Akki's just kind of out there most of the time and the plot is ridiculous and - do I really need to describe the badness of this movie in words? Or pictures? I think a long embarrassed silence would be more appropriate.
But God works in mysterious ways, and to quote the title of a later Saithik (Saif-Hrithik) film - Na Tum Jaano Na Hum - not you or I know what is God's master plan. But however things work out, it's all a part of it, and God is smart. Sakshay is just another proof of this.
See, even as how Aarzoo was a lame lame dumb stupid crap film, it gave us clever clues of the future. Or how else would you describe these following images?
Akshay. A Frenchman, a villain, suddenly moustached and turned bad! Merde!
Saif, for one scene without his signature mullet. One. Precious. Fucking. Scene. [insert adoration]
This does require a bit of information on both actors' later careers, but OMFG can't you see?! God is clearly saying, "Akshay - be bad!" and "Saif - get a haircut!". And God's plan they followed and with this they triumphed.
Or does anyone else find it too convinient to be a coincidence that it was two years after the release of Aarzoo that both Akshay and Saif familiarized themselves with taking home awards and getting recognition in the industry and finding success at the box office?
Akshay with his negative role in Ajnabee..
...and Saif with a comic role in Dil Chahta Hai.
Just a quick comparison with the awards Ajnabee and Dil Chahta Hai won and were nominated for, it is clear that these guys sweeped nearly all of their nominations but most importantly? They sweeped together.
But to jump back to Aarzoo for a moment, it was the closing of a circle, Saif and Akshay started out with a beautiful girl coming between them, and again they are separated by a beautiful girl. There's a real sense of closure in the film.
However, the world didn't end in 1999, or 2001, and as long as there is God, there is also Sakshay. Or what else would explain Saif and Akshay doing a concert tour together in 2006?
Aaaaaand, as luck would have it, they're apparently in a new film made under the Yash Raj banner, shot sometime in 2007. It apparently also stars some girl called Kareena or something, but we all know the flocks will really go see the film for Sakshay because hell, wouldn't you?
I do have to congratulate Kareena Kapoor for the excellent career choice, however. Everybody knows starring in a Sakshay film is a complete career boost to any actress! We all know what happened to Shilpa Shetty earlier this year - she was in MKTA, do not forget - and Madhuri & Kajol are more of less filmi legends by now. And Tabu, unfortunate enough to appear in Tu Chor Main Sipahi, of course is doing swellingly in the art film genre. The Keemat girls Raveena and Sonali aren't doing so bad, either.
Okay, you might argue that MKTA was 1994 and Shilpa's Celebrity Big Brother victory was in 2007, so that's a 13 year delay in the career boost AND that Madhuri was already a big star when she did Aarzoo and that Raveena and Sonali actually *aren't* top names of the industry anymore but uhm, you know, facts, who needs 'em. My gut says it's totally correct. [/Stephen Colbert]
Yash Raj knows they're sitting on gold:
2008 will be kicked off in grand style with the catchily named “Tashan”. Directed by Vijay Krishna Acharya (the screenplay and dialogue writer of mega hits “Dhoom” and “Dhoom:2”), it brings back one of the most loved on-screen pairs of Hindi cinema: Akshay Kumar and Saif Ali Khan. Yash Raj Films veteran Anil Kapoor and Kareena Kapoor also star.
Take note how Sakshay gets the first mention. Hell yes they're one of the most loved on-screen pairs of Hindi cinema.
And this is where I edit on 06/12/2007 because:
Tashan shooting is in motion! And Akki has a beard! And Saif has scruff and oh.my.god.
In closing: Best jodi ever? You have no idea:
Akshay and me were perfect against each other.
- Saif Ali Khan (source)
Credits/Thanks;
Saif Ali Khan & Akshay Kumar (For existing & for not saying 'no' to insane amounts of crotch-thrusting - ILU, srsly.)
God (Kya style hai!)
rossywar (For discovering & loving MKTA!)
Lee (For discovering Keemat & general encouragement, and for being lovably high on Saif, mullet or no mullet.)
Mary (For anims, encouragement & keeping my dirty secrets.)
Nicole (For mixing up MKTA and TCMS, thus proving this post needed to be written.)
dangermousie, thelana, sanna & vivster on BollyWHAT? (For sharing the fun.)
The Sakshay Manifesto
Who needs DDLJ when you have Sakshay? Come fall in love. OK! :D - Mary
In the beginning there was God, and God created Akshay, and then created Saif. And they did a film together called Yeh Dillagi and God saw it was good (and in some ways pretty friggin' awesome), but not good enough. The film had a chick in between them and they played brothers and while the film included some nice comedy moments, this had not been God's original intention. Because as it was meant to be, Saif and Akshay would be together, and form Sakshay, possibly the best duet ever witnessed in the history of film. God had a plan. And thus a film called Main Khiladi Tu Anari was born, and like a phoenix from the (actually quite okay) ashes of Yeh Dillagi it rose and soared through the sky to become one of the only hit films either Saif or Akshay had during the 90's.
MKTA was as close to perfection as God could create anything, it just had it all. Saif (playing an actor in search of roles with substance) falling in love with Akshay (the badass cop on a mission for good) at first sight (or first fight), Akshay being macho and unimpressed with Saif for the longest time, until finally Saif proves himself to be worthy of Akshay's love, and they have a song together.
Click to viewSadly no awesome subtitle action to be seen here - the lyrics, quite simply talk about how much these two boys just loooooove beautiful girls. Sure, that's why you touch each other so much, we believe you.
And what a song it was (for a clip with extra weepy couple action, click here!). Never had such crotch thrusting been witnessed on the Indian silver screens. People gasped, laughed, cried as the story took Sakshay to all extremes of emotion, and they cherished the beautiful, beautiful songs that broke the amazingly constructed narrative structure of the film. The film made sure nobody would ever forget the unique dynamic Saif and Akshay's characters explored on-screen. For some, it was eye-opening. For others, like God himself, it was the actualization of the full potential of Sakshay; beautiful, imperfect, crotch-thrusting.
But like all of the great things God has given us, even MKTA had to come to an end. A few years passed, people cried themselves to sleep at night tossing and turning, just wondering if this was the last we'd see of Sakshay. Affected by people's sadness, God stepped forward and delivered the next step in his Ultimate Plan (of Sakshay). However, as he was forming this once-in-a-life-time decision to bring back the greatness of MKTA, somebody (probably Buddha, that enlightened son of a bitch) interrupted him and thus God made an error. And tragic as it was, even God makes errors sometimes. Or rather that he misguided people into making errors, and naturally it's not God's fault (damn you Buddha!).
Tu Chor Main Sipahi was a tragedy by definition; so sadly impotent that it breaks your heart and crushes your poor, little Sakshay-loving soul. A Sakshay movie without Sakshay, a love story without love, a story with only villains and no heroes. In short: bad bad movie. BAD BAD BAD. So bad that indeed God considered smiting all those involved in making it (except two of the finest creations he'd molded with his own pair of godly hands - Saif and Akshay, who could do no wrong, except maybe make nothing but bad bad films during all of the 1990's but this was all a part of God's plan), but God resisted the temptation and just tried to buy the film's rights. He failed and thus Tu Chor Main Sipahi went on to become a DVD release that many a Sakshay fan would purchase and live to regret.
The problem of Tu Chor was just as mentioned previously; the Sakshay movie with a dearth of Sakshay. They don't even have a song together! It's that tragic. But as luck should have it, with the wonders of man-made (but God-influenced) computer technology, it is made possible for us to not look beyond surface and see the very few redeeming qualities of Tu Chor:
It's Akshay under the blanket - and Saif, that is not a hand.
Saif and Akshay are no strangers to bondage.
This just one of the many "Saif talks to Akshay's crotch"-scenes in the film.
Do not be fooled by appearances; this is a shitty movie. So shitty that not even a Sakshay fan would touch it again with a ten-foot pole. That bad. But if you don't want to take it from me, take it from ...me a month back, when I saw this movie and said in my review:
If you for some unimaginable reason feel like you may want to watch [Tu Chor Main Sipahi], slap yourself. Twice, hard, with a broken whiskey bottle, as long as you stop feeling a need to watch this movie. You don't want to. It's just a delusion that will disappear with time. And while you wait for it to go away, go ahead, re-watch your favourite Akshay Kumar film, go search for Keemat on your rental service's database, PM me for MKTA screencaps... Anything at all will do as long as you won't end up watching this movie. I really just can't stress this enough. Life is a precious, limited time slot. Don't use it to see this movie.
And if you really must know, the plot's like, Saif's a robber (chor!) but a good one because he's got 12 grandmothers to take care of, and Akki's a cop (and thus a "soldier" - sipahi!) who's trying to catch Saif. But instead of making the film an interesting game of cat and mouse, the script decides to take the happenings to a villain where only old people and kids live because the rest were killed by villain (Amrish Puri) but not before he made them work for him and hooked them onto narcotics and ... you get the idea yet? This film was SO bad that even the Indian flag is censored because India doesn't want to recognize this piece of shit product as its own.
But nobody should hold this film against God, since his next Sakshay-related divine intervention (and he never really bothered with non-Sakshay-related divine interventions because what was the point in that?) would truly be divine.
Keemat: They Are Back - finally a movie where the tagline fully delivers all of its delicious promise. This was the movie to rival MKTA in Sakshay greatness, truly a one time masterpiece. There was a different sort of greatness to Keemat - it was not MKTA Part Two, but something completely new and innovative.
Okay, maybe not so new...
...but all the more innovative.
From the foot-tappingly catchy cowboy opening song (where we witness one of the best entrances ever captured on film) to the visual brilliance of the infamous dam song, Keemat truly was a winner, especially after the horrendous TCMS.
For one's embedded YouTube video needs, here are two songs from Keemat. First, cowboys!
Aaand dam song!
Special cherry on top, a 100% uncensored Akshay kickass scene, completele with Saif being goofy and Akki's leg ..well, just watch it to find out. Best 6 minute long YouTube video ever, if I say so myself.
After all this grandeur, one began to wonder where God was taking Sakshay, what greater heights could this duo reach? Four movies and already a legend, what was left to achieve? Four more movies? Retirement? MKTA sequel? What was the core of God's plan for Sakshay? And then came the fifth and final Sakshay film (thus far, anyway)...
Aarzoo - the title means "desire, yearning" and indeed it left a lot to be desired. If Keemat was a film to rival MKTA in greatness, Aarzoo was the film to rival Tu Chor in badness. Another sad Sakshay movie without the most important ingredient - Sakshay itself, and on top of that we have a girl come in between them. Me nor God have anything against Madhuri Dixit, but shouldn't she know herself when she's clearly not needed? Drop Madz, and Saif and Akshay would've made do just fine without her in this film.
There's MKTA homage scene but it's lame as hell and Saif's a total girl in this film and Akki's just kind of out there most of the time and the plot is ridiculous and - do I really need to describe the badness of this movie in words? Or pictures? I think a long embarrassed silence would be more appropriate.
But God works in mysterious ways, and to quote the title of a later Saithik (Saif-Hrithik) film - Na Tum Jaano Na Hum - not you or I know what is God's master plan. But however things work out, it's all a part of it, and God is smart. Sakshay is just another proof of this.
See, even as how Aarzoo was a lame lame dumb stupid crap film, it gave us clever clues of the future. Or how else would you describe these following images?
Akshay. A Frenchman, a villain, suddenly moustached and turned bad! Merde!
Saif, for one scene without his signature mullet. One. Precious. Fucking. Scene. [insert adoration]
This does require a bit of information on both actors' later careers, but OMFG can't you see?! God is clearly saying, "Akshay - be bad!" and "Saif - get a haircut!". And God's plan they followed and with this they triumphed.
Or does anyone else find it too convinient to be a coincidence that it was two years after the release of Aarzoo that both Akshay and Saif familiarized themselves with taking home awards and getting recognition in the industry and finding success at the box office?
Akshay with his negative role in Ajnabee..
...and Saif with a comic role in Dil Chahta Hai.
Just a quick comparison with the awards Ajnabee and Dil Chahta Hai won and were nominated for, it is clear that these guys sweeped nearly all of their nominations but most importantly? They sweeped together.
But to jump back to Aarzoo for a moment, it was the closing of a circle, Saif and Akshay started out with a beautiful girl coming between them, and again they are separated by a beautiful girl. There's a real sense of closure in the film.
However, the world didn't end in 1999, or 2001, and as long as there is God, there is also Sakshay. Or what else would explain Saif and Akshay doing a concert tour together in 2006?
Aaaaaand, as luck would have it, they're apparently in a new film made under the Yash Raj banner, shot sometime in 2007. It apparently also stars some girl called Kareena or something, but we all know the flocks will really go see the film for Sakshay because hell, wouldn't you?
I do have to congratulate Kareena Kapoor for the excellent career choice, however. Everybody knows starring in a Sakshay film is a complete career boost to any actress! We all know what happened to Shilpa Shetty earlier this year - she was in MKTA, do not forget - and Madhuri & Kajol are more of less filmi legends by now. And Tabu, unfortunate enough to appear in Tu Chor Main Sipahi, of course is doing swellingly in the art film genre. The Keemat girls Raveena and Sonali aren't doing so bad, either.
Okay, you might argue that MKTA was 1994 and Shilpa's Celebrity Big Brother victory was in 2007, so that's a 13 year delay in the career boost AND that Madhuri was already a big star when she did Aarzoo and that Raveena and Sonali actually *aren't* top names of the industry anymore but uhm, you know, facts, who needs 'em. My gut says it's totally correct. [/Stephen Colbert]
Yash Raj knows they're sitting on gold:
2008 will be kicked off in grand style with the catchily named “Tashan”. Directed by Vijay Krishna Acharya (the screenplay and dialogue writer of mega hits “Dhoom” and “Dhoom:2”), it brings back one of the most loved on-screen pairs of Hindi cinema: Akshay Kumar and Saif Ali Khan. Yash Raj Films veteran Anil Kapoor and Kareena Kapoor also star.
Take note how Sakshay gets the first mention. Hell yes they're one of the most loved on-screen pairs of Hindi cinema.
And this is where I edit on 06/12/2007 because:
Tashan shooting is in motion! And Akki has a beard! And Saif has scruff and oh.my.god.
In closing: Best jodi ever? You have no idea:
Akshay and me were perfect against each other.
- Saif Ali Khan (source)
Credits/Thanks;
Saif Ali Khan & Akshay Kumar (For existing & for not saying 'no' to insane amounts of crotch-thrusting - ILU, srsly.)
God (Kya style hai!)
rossywar (For discovering & loving MKTA!)
Lee (For discovering Keemat & general encouragement, and for being lovably high on Saif, mullet or no mullet.)
Mary (For anims, encouragement & keeping my dirty secrets.)
Nicole (For mixing up MKTA and TCMS, thus proving this post needed to be written.)
dangermousie, thelana, sanna & vivster on BollyWHAT? (For sharing the fun.)