(no subject)
Title: Over Time
Chapter: Eleven
Author: firiel77
Word Count: 6107
Warnings: WIP, angst fest, schmoop, misunderstandings, regrets, men being silly and uncommunicative.
Rating:NC17 for the most part.
Fandom Hockey RPS
Pairings: Sidney Crosby/Alexander Ovechkin
Summary: Set several years in the future. Sid’s taking stock of his life and finds he’s thinking about Ovie more and more. Only thing is, he doesn’t know what he wants. Ovie knows what he wants. He just doesn’t know how to get it. And so it goes.
Beta:Thank you so much sarcasmcat for stepping in and offering to beta this thing. I’m most grateful and I’m sure readers will be too.
Disclaimer: It’s fan fiction people.
Feedback: Sure. Let me know what’s working for you.
Authors Notes: Warning. I’ve read a grand total of one fic in this fandom but I LOVED IT and I wanted to give writing a shot. Bear with me if I get things wrong. I’m not really familiar with the canon. I’m just hoping that if I set it far enough in the future that no one will notice I don’t know what the hell I’m talking about. Yes, I’m totally making shit up. Hope it flies.
Previous Chapters can be found here.
Sid goes home and wanders around his house, not sure what to do with himself. He showers and then puts on a movie but he can’t concentrate on the plot. He pulls out his phone and tries to call Alex but it just goes to voice mail. Sid calls his parents and tells them he’s back and they chat a little about the All Star game. Sid’s dad is thrilled with his goal. Sid writes Alex a short text, telling him he’s thinking about him, and sends it off before he can change his mind and then goes to bed. He’s disappointed when he sees it’s not been returned when he gets up the next morning.
Sid calls Alex again, this time leaving him a rambling message that doesn’t really say anything except that he misses him and asks him to call. He tries not to sound like he’s pleading. He makes himself a protein shake and gets ready to go to the rink. It’s not until he gets there and is putting on his gear in the dressing room that he finds out what’s happened with Alex.
Geno takes a phone call while Sid is lacing up his skates. It goes on for a couple minutes and is entirely in Russian. Although no one can understand they can tell from the urgency of Geno’s voice that something isn’t right. The players all stop what they are doing and watch him until he’s done, all conversation halted. When he hangs up Geno looks around the room, just then realizing everyone has been listening to him. Then his eyes flick immediately towards Sid and he gets a sinking feeling.
“What’s going on, Geno?” Sid asks, although he’s not entirely sure he wants to know. “Who was that?”
“Is Sasha,” Geno explains. “He phone to tell me Alex fly back to Russia. His father sick.”
“What happened?” Sid finds himself asking, his voice calm.
Geno searches a moment for the words. “He have heart attack,” he tells him. It’s not nearly enough information and when Geno goes back to lacing his skates it’s all Sid can do not to smack him.
“Well, is he alright,” Sid insists, his heart sinking. He knows how much Alex worships his parents. “What exactly did Semin tell you?”
Geno looks up at him again, this time with more sympathy, but he just shrugs and then lets out a breath. “Sorry, Sid. Don’t know. Sasha just say Alex will call when he get there and finds out. He just get first plane he could and go.”
Sid nods. No wonder Alex hadn’t called him back. He was probably on another plane already flying to Moscow when Sid had been phoning.
The team has a lacklustre practise, everyone distracted and saddened about the news about Alex’s dad. The coach finally gives up on them and sends them home, telling them he wants everyone at optional skate in the morning and ready to focus. They have three home games coming up and he wants them prepared.
The next day Sid approaches Geno as soon as he gets to the rink, wanting any news. Geno just shakes his head. He’s heard from Sasha but the other Russian has no further news from home. He’s not heard from Alex yet. Everyone is trying to hope for the best. When Sid turns to get changed, Geno puts his hand on his arm to stop him.
“Don’t worry Sid,” he tells him. “Ovie phone you when he get chance. He just have things to do right now.”
“I know that,” Sid tells him, trying not to sound irritable. “Look. Sorry. It’s not that. I’ve just been thinking about them a lot. I hope his dad’s okay.”
Geno nods at him and smiled. “Is okay, Sid. I tell you soon as I hear.”
“Thanks,” Sid tells him.
The Penguins win two and lose one at home and then head west for a grueling six game road trip. It’s after they arrive in Anaheim that Geno finally comes to Sid and tells him that Alex has called. His father is doing alright. He had to have bypass surgery but he’s pulled through and is recovering in hospital. Semin has told Geno that Alex will be staying a few more days just to make sure all is well and then will be flying back to North America. He doesn’t want to miss too much of the season even though the Caps are doing alright without him. They haven’t lost since he left.
Sid does his best to focus on hockey but his thoughts are often on Alex and his family. The team struggles a little, first losing to the Ducks and then the Kings. They finally rally and win a game against the San Jose Sharks but then are soundly beaten by the Canucks in a 7 - 1 defeat that is unfortunately showcased on Hockey Night In Canada. When Sid gets back to the dressing room after the game he breaks his stick over a bench in frustration.
His hissy fit shakes up the team a little. They fly out of Vancouver determined to play better. They have a good practice the next morning and then manage to scrape by Calgary 2 -1. Two nights later they beat Edmonton more convincingly with a score of 5 - 2. The critics though are quick to note that Sid hasn’t scored since his return from the All Star game and has been kept to two assists. It’s Geno and Jordie who are keeping them afloat.
Sid finally scores a goal in a 3 - 2 loss against Winnipeg and it is such a relief that he almost doesn’t care that they lose the game in a shootout. He’s a superstitious person, all hockey players are, and slumps like this prey on the confidence. They are all glad to head home to Pittsburgh. A few of the guys are playing hurt and they all hope a couple days off will be what they need. Anyway, they need to pull it together; the Caps are coming to town on the weekend.
Sid is lying on his couch the next morning moodily watching sports network with an ice pack on his knee and wondering if he should drive in to see the trainers when Geno calls. He’s heard from Semin again. Alex’s dad has been allowed to go home from hospital and Alex is taking a flight back that night. He’s definitely going to there for the game with Pittsburgh.
Sid waits another day before he calls Alex. He can barely stand it. Fortunately Alex picks up after only two rings and Sid is instantly weak with relief when he hears his voice. He’s mildly surprised when he realizes he has tears in his eyes.
“Alex,” he chokes out, “how are you?”
Alex lets out a long sigh before he answers and his voice is flat. He sounds exhausted. “Sid. I’m okay. Just tired. Long flight, you know.”
“And your dad?”
“Is okay. Have surgery. Was......pretty serious. Was all worried bout him. But he do okay. Much better now.” He lets out a weary chuckle and then adds, “Is not so happy. New food. Change everything. No butter on perogies. No sour cream. No vodka. My mother do everything right. Dad real......grouchy now. Complains all time. Was good to leave.”
“Well, he needs to eat healthier, I guess,” Sid says.
Alex laughs a bit and tells him, “What doctors tell him. Is not sure. Say life not worth living.”
Sid smiles when he hears the laugher in Alex’s voice. He pauses a minute and lets the silence run on and then finally clears his throat and tells Alex,” I missed you.”
“Yeah, Sid, I miss you too. Sorry I go without calling. Happen so fast I don’t have time. Was bad.”
“It’s fine, Alex. I understand. I saw Geno the next day and he told me.”
“Good. Told Sasha to tell everyone.”
“I’m just glad he’s alright,” Sid tells him. “When are you coming up for the game?”
“I don’t know yet, Sid. Not talked to team. Just come home and go to bed, you know? I call as soon as I know.”
“Sure,” Sid assures him, trying to appear casual about it. He doesn’t want to sound pushy or demanding or even worse, needy. He suspects he’s not very successful. Even in his exhausted state Alex can tell Sid’s anxious about something.
“You okay?” Alex asks him.
It’s Sid’s turn to sigh. “Yeah. It’s just I missed you. And I’ve been thinking a lot. And I really want to see you again and talk,” he forces himself get out.
Alex lets out a long breath. Sid can hear it over the phone and it takes him a moment to speak again. “Yeah, Sid. Want to talk to you too.”
He sounds profoundly tired, and more than that, slightly ill at ease, and Sid finds that the hairs on the back of his neck are starting to stand up. Alex sounds so, so very serious and so different than how he normally does that Sid’s stomach churns as he wonders what he has to say to him.
They talk a couple more minutes but Sid knows he’s got to let him go so he can some sleep. Alex is slurring his words and dropping off mid-sentence and Sid finally takes pity on him and tells him to go to bed. As much as he wants to keep Alex on the line Sid knows he’ll see him on the weekend.
Saturday rolls around and Sid is disappointed when he hears the Caps won’t be flying in until the morning of the game. To make matters worse it’s also Semin’s birthday that night so the whole team will be going to a club to celebrate afterwards. The Penguins are all invited, including Sid, and he knows he has no choice but to go even though he and Semin are not the best of friends. It is, after all, his opportunity to see Alex. He just wishes there was a way he could see him alone.
At least the game is a good one. Both teams play well and the Caps let up on Sid enough so that he manages to get a pretty goal in the second period that brings the Penguins within one. The Caps put it away with two unanswered goals in the third but the game is a lot closer than the score would indicate.
Sid, Jordie, Flower, Letang, and Geno shower after the game, get changed and take a limo to the club. The party is in full swing when they get there with Alex and Semin surrounded by a boisterous crowd in a large booth. The Penguins players join in and immediately start working on catching up. There are bottles of vodka and shot glasses on the table in front of Sasha and the guys help themselves. Sid accepts a glass from Geno and downs a quick shot.
There are a couple guys Sid doesn’t know but who he’s pretty sure are Russian judging by the obligatory gold chains and slightly tacky Euro-trash outfits they are sporting. They are sticking pretty close to Semin and Geno seems to know them; at least the three of them nod and then exchange pleasantries in Russian.
Alex is sitting on the other side of Semin with his arm thrown loosely over his shoulder and is saying something to him in Russian. He’s smiling and laughing and seeing the two of them like that hits Sid in the gut even though he knows for a certainty that they are just friends. When Alex notices Sid he immediately gets up and pulls him into an easy hug. Sid wraps his arms around Alex, rests his head on his shoulder and inhales his familiar scent. He hangs on tight, probably a bit too long for appearances.
They pull apart and Alex slides back in beside Sasha, elbows him good naturedly so he’ll slide over and make room and then pulls Sid down beside him. It’s pretty cozy and Sid has to press close against Alex to stay perched on his edge of the seat. He flushes slightly when Alex wraps his arm around his shoulder and pulls him in closer. He feels himself tense at the public contact initially and then decides ‘what the fuck’.
Sitting beside Alex, pressed against him, in the company of their friends, Sid feels like he’s where he belongs. The guys joke around, chirp each other about the game, let loose and have a few drinks, and Sid feels like all is right in his life. When he feels Alex put a hand down on his thigh he doesn’t think much of it, only leans into the touch. Alex pours a round of shots and Sid has another one.
Everyone gets louder as the vodka kicks in. They start giving Sasha birthday kisses, hugging him, taking pictures with their phones to send home to friends and family. Semin’s friends from home pull out their cameras and Geno and Sasha mug for them. It’s a birthday celebration, they are all far from home, and they make the most of it. Valery Krylov collapses onto Salender’s lap and wraps his arms around him while Geno photographs the two of them.
Alex pulls Sid in still closer and plants a kiss on his cheek and they laugh along with the rest of the guys. They’re momentarily blinded by the flash from one of the cameras. Alex nuzzles in and presses his lips to Sid’s neck and he almost moans at the sensation. It’s about then that it dawns on Sid that maybe they shouldn’t be doing this, shouldn’t be acting like this when they’re out, even if it’s with the guys and they’re all drunk.
No one seems to mind though, no one’s noticed or said anything but Sid pulls away a little and Alex laughs and slides his hand farther up his leg and squeezes. Even though it feels fucking good Sid has a shiver of anxiety and can feel the first hint of a panic attack coming on. He pushes away Alex’s hand and wiggles out of the booth. He’s working on being drunk, but he’s not there yet. Sid suspects Alex must be quite a bit farther along to think it’s a good idea to grope him while they’re in a bar.
Sid winds his way to the restroom, thankful that the bar is dimly lit. It’s not likely that the other patrons can easily see what’s happening or recognize who they are. When he glances back at the booth he can barely make anyone out himself. When he gets in the restroom he splashes cold water over his face and looks at himself in the mirror. He looks flushed and a little wild eyed and he takes a couple deep breaths before he heads back out. He needs to talk to Alex but first he needs to calm himself down.
Sid finds an empty booth in the corner and sits down. He leans back and wills himself to calm down, takes in a deep breath, lets it out and then does it again, trying to clear his thoughts. The music is loud and he can feel his head beginning to pound to the beat. He’s only been there a couple minutes when Alex finds him and sits down across the table. He looks a lot more sober than he did back in the booth with Sasha. In fact, the look he’s giving Sid is uncharacteristically serious.
“You okay?” Alex finally asks him gently.
Sid nods. “Yeah. It’s just....... Sometimes I get kind of......” he shrugs helplessly. “It’s something that happens once in a while. It’s going away now.”
He’s never really talked about his anxiety attacks with Alex. They are something only a few people on his team are aware of and Sid plans to keep it that way. They make him feel weak and out of control. He’s vaguely ashamed that he still has them, keeps hoping that he’ll out grow them, get past them at some point.
“You need something to drink?” Alex asks him.
“No. No more to drink,” Sid answers quickly. “That’s the point. We should be more careful. I don’t think it’s a good idea to get so carried away. I mean, out in public. Someone might see. It could get out.”
Alex regards him a minute and then nods thoughtfully. He clasps his hands together on the table in front of him and stares down at them. He’s biting at his lower lip nervously and his brows are knit in concentration. Sid doesn’t think he can ever remember seeing Alex so deep in thought. It’s not like him at all.
Finally Alex looks up and asks,” Sid, what are we gonna do?”
Sid only stares at him, not sure what to say. Finally he asks, “What do you mean?”
Alex lets out a sigh and looks away, unwilling to meet Sid’s eyes. “You and me,” he explains slowly, as if Sid is having a hard time keeping up, “what are we gonna do? Is sometimes hard in English to say what I want. Sorry.”
Sid swallows and thinks and discards everything that comes to mind as not being the right thing. “Alex, I’m not sure....” Sid starts before Alex interrupts him by shaking his head. He pauses a moment, gathering his thoughts, and then determinedly begins.
“Is good we talk about this. Is time. Sid, I been thinking a lot. Thinking bout you. When I go home to Russia, I sit with my mom. We have lots time waiting at hospital. We talk bout things.” He sighs and picks at something stuck on the table in front of him with a thumbnail. “I tell her about you,” he tells Sid, looking up at him levelly.
“What?” Sid can’t help but choke. “What did you say?”
Alex shrugs, “Everything, Sid. I tell her I like men. And I tell her.....tell her bout you. How you are......special for me. How want to be with you.”
Despite the pleasure Sid feels at the words he feels a dull panic welling up from within. “Why? Why did you tell her about me?” Sid asks, aghast. His first instinct is to be angry at Alex.
Alex shrugs but continues to look Sid in the eye. “Is important to me, Sid. She’s my mom. Important what she thinks. Is not easy, specially in Russia. I want to know....” he pauses and fiddles with his watch, “Want to know how she feels. What she thinks I should do.” He looks up and again Sid can see how nervous he is. “Is hard,” Alex admits tightly.
“What did she say?” Sid asks tightly. “What did your mother tell you?”
Alex smiles faintly and shakes his head bemusedly. When he looks up his face completely open and unguarded. He tells Sid, “She say to me, life is short, Sasha. Look at your father. Your brother. Things happen. Before you know it, people are gone. Be with the one you love.”
Sid feels like he’s falling when he hears Alex say the words and the emotion must be apparent on his face because Alex reaches for his hand and holds on to it, and it feels like it’s the only thing keeping Sid down, anchoring him in the room.
“But Sid, you got to be honest. No more girlfriend. ” Alex tells him firmly.
Sid shrugs dismissively. He already knows he doesn’t want to be with Christine. But Alex’s next words aren’t so easy to live with.
“Don’t want to hide all the time,” Alex tells him firmly. “Is too hard.”
“People would find out,” Sid squeaks and he’s embarrassed how panic stricken he sounds. He doesn’t know why Alex isn’t freaking out over the idea.
“Sid, team know already,” he says, shaking his head, and smiling softly. “Why you think they wanna hurt you before in game?”
Sid nods. Deep down he knows the teams know, he’s just afraid to admit it to himself.
“Don’t have to come out to press,” Alex assures him. “Just be honest with team and friends. Just people who know us.”
Sid thinks about what Alex has said a minute. “What about my parents?” he asks lamely. “They’ll figure it out. Mario might say something.”
Alex squeezes his hand again and looks at him carefully. “Have to tell them, Sid. Family need to know. If like mine, they love you anyway and want you be happy,” he tells him simply.
“But the league...” Sid starts, “my career...” he continues, thinking of every argument he’s thought of over the last year to convince himself that he should stay away from Alex. “It’s going to end up getting out.....”
Alex shrugs dismissively and gives him a crooked smile. “America is free country. Canada too. Is not really bad thing to be gay. Well, maybe bit bad in NHL,” he shrugs again.
Sid swallows a lump in his throat and blinks. “People will hate me,” he says quietly.
Alex shakes his head. “Don’t know that.”
“Some will,” Sid insists.
Alex makes a dismissive sound. “Always people who don’t like. Can’t worry bout those ones.”
“I know. But I do. I care what people think,” Sid whispered, fighting to stay calm. “I like it when people like me.”
It’s true. Sid goes out of his way for people to like him. Always tries to be nice, courteous, and accommodating; takes care not to offend anyone. Sid also hates harsh reviews and criticism. Though he doesn’t like to admit it he loathes them more than most players. To Sid they always mean he should have done better, that he should have tried harder. That he will soon be disliked by people for something he has no control over, for something he can’t change and can’t do any better leaves him panic stricken.
Alex shakes his head. “Sid. Don’t have to be perfect.”
Sid can only laugh bitterly at that. Since when has he ever been expected to be anything other than perfect? His whole life Sid’s known he was special, that people would be watching him. He knows that he’s being judged by a higher standard than most. His dad ingrained that in him early on. He needs to behave. He’s the savior of hockey, the poster child of the NHL, anything less would be failure.
He feels stricken. “Yeah, I kind of do,” he tells Alex sadly.
“Is only you, Sid that think that,” Alex declares making Sid only smile vaguely.
“I don’t want to just be “the gay hockey player”, Sid whispers.
“More than that, Sidney,” Alex tells him, smiling gently. He rubs his thumb along the back of Sid’s hand and Sid watches it for a moment before he looks up again.
“I’d lose my endorsements.”
“Maybe not that bad.”
Sid looks at him intently, studying him for his reaction. “What about you? You’d risk everything you have here? What if.......” Sid stops. There are so many what-if’s he can’t even imagine them all.
“If something important,” Alex tells him. “I risk. Only need so much money, Sid. Also important to be happy. To be free. Don’t you want that, Sid?”
“Yeah, I do. It’s just that......If we could just wait a while. .....If you would wait for me, I would really like that.”
Alex shakes his head sadly. “Wait how long, Sid? Wait for what? When will be okay?”
“I don’t know,” Sid tells him. He knows he’s asking a lot, probably too much.
“Or just want me to wait around for when have time to fuck after hockey games?”
Sid looks up in shock. “That’s not all it is. And that’s not what I’m asking.” He tries to sound convincing although in reality it isn’t far from what he is asking for. Short of phone calls it’s all Sid can see happening while they are both playing hockey, although clearly Alex has removed all emotion from the situation.
“No?”
“No,” Sid managed to tell him more firmly. His insides are shaking but he doesn’t know whether it’s from brewing anger, sadness, or shock because his lover is suddenly forcing reality in his face. Sid feels another surge of anger that Alex is pushing him like this. “I want to be with you. I do.”
“Sure. But not enough to be honest,” Alex accuses him.
Sid can find no words to defend himself. He feels terrible and all he can do is shake his head, more at himself than because he disagrees with what Alex has said. His whole life has been about hockey, being Sidney Crosby. It’s all he knows and he can’t see any alternative. How can he risk everything he is? It’s a lot easier to say “be honest” than it is to actually live it.
How can he tell his parents, tell them that he’s like Andrew Beck after all? Tell his family, his management...what will they all think? What will the country think? Cold panic grabs hold as Sid’s rational side suddenly takes over and pushes his feelings and hopes to the side. Sid could lose everything. If he acts on his emotions, acts on impulse, listens to the little voice promising happy endings, then he’ll risk everything he’s ever worked for.
Sid cares about Alex a lot. He knows he does. He thinks he might even love him but how can he risk everything for a relationship that might not last? The two of them don’t even live in the same city. They play for opposing teams, live in different countries in the off season. Sid’s never had a serious relationship with a woman, never mind one with a man. The whole thing would be fraught with controversy. Did they have enough in common to even make it worthwhile? What if they didn’t make it? What if he risked everything......for nothing?
Sid sits there still holding onto Alex’s hand, thinking about everything he’s said. He can feel tears pricking his eyes and his throat is so tight he’s not sure he could talk even if he knew what to say. It takes him a long time to find any words.
“I don’t think I can do it,” he finally says. He can feel Alex’s hand stiffen in his.
Alex tries to pull his hand away and Sid reflexively holds on harder so that he can’t. He doesn’t want to let go even though he knows that eventually he will have to.
“It’s just really hard,” he chokes out, rubbing at the tears that are threatening to start running down his cheek with the hand that’s free. He’s unwilling to look up and reveal the fear which is surely starting to show in his eyes. He knows he’s going to lose Alex.
Alex says nothing for the longest time but finally nods. The look he gives Sid is sad but sympathetic. “I know, Sid. Is not easy.”
“I don’t know what to do,” Sid tells him forlornly. He hates how Alex is so much stronger than he is, so much more accepting in his certainty.
“Like I say, Sid. Is your life. Is up to you how you do.”
It is his life, and the more Sid thinks about it the more he realizes it can’t work with Alex. People will figure it out. There is no doubt about it. The teams already know and neither of them had told anyone, that’s how obvious it is. It would be no time before more people found out and then the media would get it and then the whole world would find out that Sidney Crosby was fucking, and getting fucked by, Alexander Ovechkin. Sid’s face flushes at the thought.
“We could keep it under wraps like we have been,” Sid suggested, knowing as he said it how futile the idea is. “At least until we’re finished playing.”
Alex looks at him sadly and shakes his head. “Is no good. We play for years yet. I don’t hide. Won’t stand around you with girlfriends, hook up after games, like secret,” he looks up at Sid determinedly.
Although Sid has always suspected it, this is the first acknowledgement of just how badly he hurt Alex by being with Christine. And just as certainly he knows he’s probably going to do it again.
“You don’t understand what it’s like,” he tells Alex.
Alex just watches him levelly and then answers. “Maybe understand more than you think.”
Sid shakes his head, not sure what to say. He’s afraid he deserves every unflattering thing Alex thinks about him. He wishes he could explain but it’s difficult to put into words, at least in the state he’s in at the moment.
It’s just the sheer hell of growing up Sidney Crosby; the expectations from his first days in hockey, the pressure and baggage that goes along with being the poster boy for Canadian’s national sport. Surely Alex must feel something similar being a Russian superstar? Sid is certain he does. Except that he’s obviously thought about it and made his decision and in the process made Sid look...What? Weak, pathetic, cowardly......a litany of words go through his mind.
As if reading his thoughts Alex’s mouth twists in an ironic smile. “Maybe too hard for you. Maybe not worth it,” he suggests and Sid can feel his heart slowly break.
He whispers, “I’m sorry, but I can’t.”
Alex nods as if expecting to hear those words. “I’m sorry too, Sid.”
Sid looks at him helplessly. He knows this is the end. Alex has been honest with him, told him what he wants, what Sid needs to do. And Sid can’t do it, can’t bring himself to take the risk. But he also doesn’t know if he can face never seeing Alex again. The thought of it makes him feel sick.
“But I don’t want to stop,” he tells him. Even to himself he sounds weak, pathetic and whiny.
Alex shrugs and when Sid looks at him his eyes are also swimming in tears although there isn’t a hint of emotion on his face. Finally he runs his hands over his face and shakes his head. He looks incredibly tired.
He says softly but firmly, “Is up to you, Sid.”
Sid shakes his head. “I don’t know how you do it? You’re not afraid of anything.”
Alex shrugs. “Not true. Afraid of lots of things. But most afraid of looking back and wishing I do something different. Would be worse. Would be worst thing for me.”
“What about coaching? You told me you’d maybe want to coach after. No one in the NHL will want a gay coach.”
“You don’t know that, Sid. All you do is think about ways you can’t. Just see problems. Even if not there yet.”
Sid shakes his head in admiration. Alex is so stubborn in life, just as he is when he’s playing hockey. If something gets in his way he just goes right through it. When he sets his mind on something no one can stop him. Sid can’t help but find it amusing despite how upset he is. He lets out a sharp laugh and it sounds more like he’s choking. Alex gives him a puzzled look so he tries to explain.
“It’s just that you remind me of a toy I had when I was a kid. It was a toy jeep with a remote control. You couldn’t stop the thing. It would just keep going no matter what. Up and over whatever I drove it towards. That’s what you’re like, Alex.”
Alex looks at him sadly, thinking a moment before he replies. “When I was little boy Sid we not have much money. Not many toys. But one year I got real teddy bear. With fur. I carried him around all time. Sleep with him. Take him outside to play. First he get dirty, then he start to rip, then stuffing all fall out til there nothing left inside.”
Alex taps his hand over his heart at the last line before he finishes. “That’s what you remind me of, Sid.”
Sid looks down at his hands and bites on his lip. He shakes his head and the silence stretches out. There’s really nothing more he can say. He wipes a tear from his cheek with the back of his hand. There is nothing more to say.
“I guess I’ll see you,” Sid starts before his throat closes up completely.
“Yeah, Sid,” Alex agrees neutrally. “I see you next game.”
Alex eyes are red rimmed, as tear filled as Sid’s. He gets up and leaves the bar without looking back. Sid sits and stares into what’s left of his drink, not finding the determination to finish it nor the strength to put it down. The logical fear of being found out, risking his career is turning into a more innate panic at how to make it through the next hour, the next day without Alex in his life.
Sid doesn’t know how he’s going to go on as if nothing has happened when it feels like his life has just stopped. He’ll never be with Alex again and the pain is almost too overwhelming to keep inside. The worst part is the knowledge that he’s hurt Alex, has let down the one person he most wants to see happy is even more unbearable and he struggles to keep himself from sobbing.
Life will go on, will continue the way Sid has chosen, as it is supposed to go, as people expect. Sid will keep playing hockey even though he feels like something inside him has died. Sid sits in the booth until Jordie finds him much later, staring straight ahead, still lost in thought.
“Hey, Sid,” Jordie tells him. “We’ve been looking for you. It’s time to go.”
Sid looks up at him realizes the bar is near empty now. He shakes his head and starts to get up before the other man notices how he looks and presses him back down.
“Are you okay,” Jordie asks, his brows knit with concern.
Sid shakes his head. He doesn’t really want to talk about it. It won’t help, nothing will. What’s done is done.
“No, not really,” he tells him.
“Anything I can do?” Jordie asks.
Sid tries to smile but falls short. “No, not really.”
The worried look Jordie is giving him finally gets to Sid and he can feel his shoulders start to shake. He fights down a sob and is only partly successful. It comes out as a kind of choking hiccup but Sid manages to stop it at one.
“It’s just Alex,” he tries to explain before his throat closes up again. “It won’t work. I mean it can’t. It just can’t. And it’s just really hard right now.”
Jordie nods sympathetically as if he actually knows what the hell Sid is talking about and puts an arm around his shoulder.
“I’m really sorry," Jordie tells him. For all his straightforward simplicity he is a really good guy. Sid knows he means it from his heart.
“It’s for the best,” Sid tells him. “It’s not like I could ever be with him or anything. Not while we’re playing in the NHL. I mean, it just…..” he finishes helplessly. He’s not sure if he’s trying to convince Jordie or himself. “Right?”
“I don’t know, man,” Jordie tells him quietly. He’s not giving him anything here. Sid wishes Jordie would agree with him, tell him he’s doing the right thing but it’s not coming. Instead he pats Sid on the arm and tells him, “It’s time to make a move. The bar’s closing.”
Sid nods as he gets up. It’s for the best he tells himself yet again. So why does it feel so wrong?
TBC
Chapter: Eleven
Author: firiel77
Word Count: 6107
Warnings: WIP, angst fest, schmoop, misunderstandings, regrets, men being silly and uncommunicative.
Rating:NC17 for the most part.
Fandom Hockey RPS
Pairings: Sidney Crosby/Alexander Ovechkin
Summary: Set several years in the future. Sid’s taking stock of his life and finds he’s thinking about Ovie more and more. Only thing is, he doesn’t know what he wants. Ovie knows what he wants. He just doesn’t know how to get it. And so it goes.
Beta:Thank you so much sarcasmcat for stepping in and offering to beta this thing. I’m most grateful and I’m sure readers will be too.
Disclaimer: It’s fan fiction people.
Feedback: Sure. Let me know what’s working for you.
Authors Notes: Warning. I’ve read a grand total of one fic in this fandom but I LOVED IT and I wanted to give writing a shot. Bear with me if I get things wrong. I’m not really familiar with the canon. I’m just hoping that if I set it far enough in the future that no one will notice I don’t know what the hell I’m talking about. Yes, I’m totally making shit up. Hope it flies.
Previous Chapters can be found here.
Sid goes home and wanders around his house, not sure what to do with himself. He showers and then puts on a movie but he can’t concentrate on the plot. He pulls out his phone and tries to call Alex but it just goes to voice mail. Sid calls his parents and tells them he’s back and they chat a little about the All Star game. Sid’s dad is thrilled with his goal. Sid writes Alex a short text, telling him he’s thinking about him, and sends it off before he can change his mind and then goes to bed. He’s disappointed when he sees it’s not been returned when he gets up the next morning.
Sid calls Alex again, this time leaving him a rambling message that doesn’t really say anything except that he misses him and asks him to call. He tries not to sound like he’s pleading. He makes himself a protein shake and gets ready to go to the rink. It’s not until he gets there and is putting on his gear in the dressing room that he finds out what’s happened with Alex.
Geno takes a phone call while Sid is lacing up his skates. It goes on for a couple minutes and is entirely in Russian. Although no one can understand they can tell from the urgency of Geno’s voice that something isn’t right. The players all stop what they are doing and watch him until he’s done, all conversation halted. When he hangs up Geno looks around the room, just then realizing everyone has been listening to him. Then his eyes flick immediately towards Sid and he gets a sinking feeling.
“What’s going on, Geno?” Sid asks, although he’s not entirely sure he wants to know. “Who was that?”
“Is Sasha,” Geno explains. “He phone to tell me Alex fly back to Russia. His father sick.”
“What happened?” Sid finds himself asking, his voice calm.
Geno searches a moment for the words. “He have heart attack,” he tells him. It’s not nearly enough information and when Geno goes back to lacing his skates it’s all Sid can do not to smack him.
“Well, is he alright,” Sid insists, his heart sinking. He knows how much Alex worships his parents. “What exactly did Semin tell you?”
Geno looks up at him again, this time with more sympathy, but he just shrugs and then lets out a breath. “Sorry, Sid. Don’t know. Sasha just say Alex will call when he get there and finds out. He just get first plane he could and go.”
Sid nods. No wonder Alex hadn’t called him back. He was probably on another plane already flying to Moscow when Sid had been phoning.
The team has a lacklustre practise, everyone distracted and saddened about the news about Alex’s dad. The coach finally gives up on them and sends them home, telling them he wants everyone at optional skate in the morning and ready to focus. They have three home games coming up and he wants them prepared.
The next day Sid approaches Geno as soon as he gets to the rink, wanting any news. Geno just shakes his head. He’s heard from Sasha but the other Russian has no further news from home. He’s not heard from Alex yet. Everyone is trying to hope for the best. When Sid turns to get changed, Geno puts his hand on his arm to stop him.
“Don’t worry Sid,” he tells him. “Ovie phone you when he get chance. He just have things to do right now.”
“I know that,” Sid tells him, trying not to sound irritable. “Look. Sorry. It’s not that. I’ve just been thinking about them a lot. I hope his dad’s okay.”
Geno nods at him and smiled. “Is okay, Sid. I tell you soon as I hear.”
“Thanks,” Sid tells him.
The Penguins win two and lose one at home and then head west for a grueling six game road trip. It’s after they arrive in Anaheim that Geno finally comes to Sid and tells him that Alex has called. His father is doing alright. He had to have bypass surgery but he’s pulled through and is recovering in hospital. Semin has told Geno that Alex will be staying a few more days just to make sure all is well and then will be flying back to North America. He doesn’t want to miss too much of the season even though the Caps are doing alright without him. They haven’t lost since he left.
Sid does his best to focus on hockey but his thoughts are often on Alex and his family. The team struggles a little, first losing to the Ducks and then the Kings. They finally rally and win a game against the San Jose Sharks but then are soundly beaten by the Canucks in a 7 - 1 defeat that is unfortunately showcased on Hockey Night In Canada. When Sid gets back to the dressing room after the game he breaks his stick over a bench in frustration.
His hissy fit shakes up the team a little. They fly out of Vancouver determined to play better. They have a good practice the next morning and then manage to scrape by Calgary 2 -1. Two nights later they beat Edmonton more convincingly with a score of 5 - 2. The critics though are quick to note that Sid hasn’t scored since his return from the All Star game and has been kept to two assists. It’s Geno and Jordie who are keeping them afloat.
Sid finally scores a goal in a 3 - 2 loss against Winnipeg and it is such a relief that he almost doesn’t care that they lose the game in a shootout. He’s a superstitious person, all hockey players are, and slumps like this prey on the confidence. They are all glad to head home to Pittsburgh. A few of the guys are playing hurt and they all hope a couple days off will be what they need. Anyway, they need to pull it together; the Caps are coming to town on the weekend.
Sid is lying on his couch the next morning moodily watching sports network with an ice pack on his knee and wondering if he should drive in to see the trainers when Geno calls. He’s heard from Semin again. Alex’s dad has been allowed to go home from hospital and Alex is taking a flight back that night. He’s definitely going to there for the game with Pittsburgh.
Sid waits another day before he calls Alex. He can barely stand it. Fortunately Alex picks up after only two rings and Sid is instantly weak with relief when he hears his voice. He’s mildly surprised when he realizes he has tears in his eyes.
“Alex,” he chokes out, “how are you?”
Alex lets out a long sigh before he answers and his voice is flat. He sounds exhausted. “Sid. I’m okay. Just tired. Long flight, you know.”
“And your dad?”
“Is okay. Have surgery. Was......pretty serious. Was all worried bout him. But he do okay. Much better now.” He lets out a weary chuckle and then adds, “Is not so happy. New food. Change everything. No butter on perogies. No sour cream. No vodka. My mother do everything right. Dad real......grouchy now. Complains all time. Was good to leave.”
“Well, he needs to eat healthier, I guess,” Sid says.
Alex laughs a bit and tells him, “What doctors tell him. Is not sure. Say life not worth living.”
Sid smiles when he hears the laugher in Alex’s voice. He pauses a minute and lets the silence run on and then finally clears his throat and tells Alex,” I missed you.”
“Yeah, Sid, I miss you too. Sorry I go without calling. Happen so fast I don’t have time. Was bad.”
“It’s fine, Alex. I understand. I saw Geno the next day and he told me.”
“Good. Told Sasha to tell everyone.”
“I’m just glad he’s alright,” Sid tells him. “When are you coming up for the game?”
“I don’t know yet, Sid. Not talked to team. Just come home and go to bed, you know? I call as soon as I know.”
“Sure,” Sid assures him, trying to appear casual about it. He doesn’t want to sound pushy or demanding or even worse, needy. He suspects he’s not very successful. Even in his exhausted state Alex can tell Sid’s anxious about something.
“You okay?” Alex asks him.
It’s Sid’s turn to sigh. “Yeah. It’s just I missed you. And I’ve been thinking a lot. And I really want to see you again and talk,” he forces himself get out.
Alex lets out a long breath. Sid can hear it over the phone and it takes him a moment to speak again. “Yeah, Sid. Want to talk to you too.”
He sounds profoundly tired, and more than that, slightly ill at ease, and Sid finds that the hairs on the back of his neck are starting to stand up. Alex sounds so, so very serious and so different than how he normally does that Sid’s stomach churns as he wonders what he has to say to him.
They talk a couple more minutes but Sid knows he’s got to let him go so he can some sleep. Alex is slurring his words and dropping off mid-sentence and Sid finally takes pity on him and tells him to go to bed. As much as he wants to keep Alex on the line Sid knows he’ll see him on the weekend.
Saturday rolls around and Sid is disappointed when he hears the Caps won’t be flying in until the morning of the game. To make matters worse it’s also Semin’s birthday that night so the whole team will be going to a club to celebrate afterwards. The Penguins are all invited, including Sid, and he knows he has no choice but to go even though he and Semin are not the best of friends. It is, after all, his opportunity to see Alex. He just wishes there was a way he could see him alone.
At least the game is a good one. Both teams play well and the Caps let up on Sid enough so that he manages to get a pretty goal in the second period that brings the Penguins within one. The Caps put it away with two unanswered goals in the third but the game is a lot closer than the score would indicate.
Sid, Jordie, Flower, Letang, and Geno shower after the game, get changed and take a limo to the club. The party is in full swing when they get there with Alex and Semin surrounded by a boisterous crowd in a large booth. The Penguins players join in and immediately start working on catching up. There are bottles of vodka and shot glasses on the table in front of Sasha and the guys help themselves. Sid accepts a glass from Geno and downs a quick shot.
There are a couple guys Sid doesn’t know but who he’s pretty sure are Russian judging by the obligatory gold chains and slightly tacky Euro-trash outfits they are sporting. They are sticking pretty close to Semin and Geno seems to know them; at least the three of them nod and then exchange pleasantries in Russian.
Alex is sitting on the other side of Semin with his arm thrown loosely over his shoulder and is saying something to him in Russian. He’s smiling and laughing and seeing the two of them like that hits Sid in the gut even though he knows for a certainty that they are just friends. When Alex notices Sid he immediately gets up and pulls him into an easy hug. Sid wraps his arms around Alex, rests his head on his shoulder and inhales his familiar scent. He hangs on tight, probably a bit too long for appearances.
They pull apart and Alex slides back in beside Sasha, elbows him good naturedly so he’ll slide over and make room and then pulls Sid down beside him. It’s pretty cozy and Sid has to press close against Alex to stay perched on his edge of the seat. He flushes slightly when Alex wraps his arm around his shoulder and pulls him in closer. He feels himself tense at the public contact initially and then decides ‘what the fuck’.
Sitting beside Alex, pressed against him, in the company of their friends, Sid feels like he’s where he belongs. The guys joke around, chirp each other about the game, let loose and have a few drinks, and Sid feels like all is right in his life. When he feels Alex put a hand down on his thigh he doesn’t think much of it, only leans into the touch. Alex pours a round of shots and Sid has another one.
Everyone gets louder as the vodka kicks in. They start giving Sasha birthday kisses, hugging him, taking pictures with their phones to send home to friends and family. Semin’s friends from home pull out their cameras and Geno and Sasha mug for them. It’s a birthday celebration, they are all far from home, and they make the most of it. Valery Krylov collapses onto Salender’s lap and wraps his arms around him while Geno photographs the two of them.
Alex pulls Sid in still closer and plants a kiss on his cheek and they laugh along with the rest of the guys. They’re momentarily blinded by the flash from one of the cameras. Alex nuzzles in and presses his lips to Sid’s neck and he almost moans at the sensation. It’s about then that it dawns on Sid that maybe they shouldn’t be doing this, shouldn’t be acting like this when they’re out, even if it’s with the guys and they’re all drunk.
No one seems to mind though, no one’s noticed or said anything but Sid pulls away a little and Alex laughs and slides his hand farther up his leg and squeezes. Even though it feels fucking good Sid has a shiver of anxiety and can feel the first hint of a panic attack coming on. He pushes away Alex’s hand and wiggles out of the booth. He’s working on being drunk, but he’s not there yet. Sid suspects Alex must be quite a bit farther along to think it’s a good idea to grope him while they’re in a bar.
Sid winds his way to the restroom, thankful that the bar is dimly lit. It’s not likely that the other patrons can easily see what’s happening or recognize who they are. When he glances back at the booth he can barely make anyone out himself. When he gets in the restroom he splashes cold water over his face and looks at himself in the mirror. He looks flushed and a little wild eyed and he takes a couple deep breaths before he heads back out. He needs to talk to Alex but first he needs to calm himself down.
Sid finds an empty booth in the corner and sits down. He leans back and wills himself to calm down, takes in a deep breath, lets it out and then does it again, trying to clear his thoughts. The music is loud and he can feel his head beginning to pound to the beat. He’s only been there a couple minutes when Alex finds him and sits down across the table. He looks a lot more sober than he did back in the booth with Sasha. In fact, the look he’s giving Sid is uncharacteristically serious.
“You okay?” Alex finally asks him gently.
Sid nods. “Yeah. It’s just....... Sometimes I get kind of......” he shrugs helplessly. “It’s something that happens once in a while. It’s going away now.”
He’s never really talked about his anxiety attacks with Alex. They are something only a few people on his team are aware of and Sid plans to keep it that way. They make him feel weak and out of control. He’s vaguely ashamed that he still has them, keeps hoping that he’ll out grow them, get past them at some point.
“You need something to drink?” Alex asks him.
“No. No more to drink,” Sid answers quickly. “That’s the point. We should be more careful. I don’t think it’s a good idea to get so carried away. I mean, out in public. Someone might see. It could get out.”
Alex regards him a minute and then nods thoughtfully. He clasps his hands together on the table in front of him and stares down at them. He’s biting at his lower lip nervously and his brows are knit in concentration. Sid doesn’t think he can ever remember seeing Alex so deep in thought. It’s not like him at all.
Finally Alex looks up and asks,” Sid, what are we gonna do?”
Sid only stares at him, not sure what to say. Finally he asks, “What do you mean?”
Alex lets out a sigh and looks away, unwilling to meet Sid’s eyes. “You and me,” he explains slowly, as if Sid is having a hard time keeping up, “what are we gonna do? Is sometimes hard in English to say what I want. Sorry.”
Sid swallows and thinks and discards everything that comes to mind as not being the right thing. “Alex, I’m not sure....” Sid starts before Alex interrupts him by shaking his head. He pauses a moment, gathering his thoughts, and then determinedly begins.
“Is good we talk about this. Is time. Sid, I been thinking a lot. Thinking bout you. When I go home to Russia, I sit with my mom. We have lots time waiting at hospital. We talk bout things.” He sighs and picks at something stuck on the table in front of him with a thumbnail. “I tell her about you,” he tells Sid, looking up at him levelly.
“What?” Sid can’t help but choke. “What did you say?”
Alex shrugs, “Everything, Sid. I tell her I like men. And I tell her.....tell her bout you. How you are......special for me. How want to be with you.”
Despite the pleasure Sid feels at the words he feels a dull panic welling up from within. “Why? Why did you tell her about me?” Sid asks, aghast. His first instinct is to be angry at Alex.
Alex shrugs but continues to look Sid in the eye. “Is important to me, Sid. She’s my mom. Important what she thinks. Is not easy, specially in Russia. I want to know....” he pauses and fiddles with his watch, “Want to know how she feels. What she thinks I should do.” He looks up and again Sid can see how nervous he is. “Is hard,” Alex admits tightly.
“What did she say?” Sid asks tightly. “What did your mother tell you?”
Alex smiles faintly and shakes his head bemusedly. When he looks up his face completely open and unguarded. He tells Sid, “She say to me, life is short, Sasha. Look at your father. Your brother. Things happen. Before you know it, people are gone. Be with the one you love.”
Sid feels like he’s falling when he hears Alex say the words and the emotion must be apparent on his face because Alex reaches for his hand and holds on to it, and it feels like it’s the only thing keeping Sid down, anchoring him in the room.
“But Sid, you got to be honest. No more girlfriend. ” Alex tells him firmly.
Sid shrugs dismissively. He already knows he doesn’t want to be with Christine. But Alex’s next words aren’t so easy to live with.
“Don’t want to hide all the time,” Alex tells him firmly. “Is too hard.”
“People would find out,” Sid squeaks and he’s embarrassed how panic stricken he sounds. He doesn’t know why Alex isn’t freaking out over the idea.
“Sid, team know already,” he says, shaking his head, and smiling softly. “Why you think they wanna hurt you before in game?”
Sid nods. Deep down he knows the teams know, he’s just afraid to admit it to himself.
“Don’t have to come out to press,” Alex assures him. “Just be honest with team and friends. Just people who know us.”
Sid thinks about what Alex has said a minute. “What about my parents?” he asks lamely. “They’ll figure it out. Mario might say something.”
Alex squeezes his hand again and looks at him carefully. “Have to tell them, Sid. Family need to know. If like mine, they love you anyway and want you be happy,” he tells him simply.
“But the league...” Sid starts, “my career...” he continues, thinking of every argument he’s thought of over the last year to convince himself that he should stay away from Alex. “It’s going to end up getting out.....”
Alex shrugs dismissively and gives him a crooked smile. “America is free country. Canada too. Is not really bad thing to be gay. Well, maybe bit bad in NHL,” he shrugs again.
Sid swallows a lump in his throat and blinks. “People will hate me,” he says quietly.
Alex shakes his head. “Don’t know that.”
“Some will,” Sid insists.
Alex makes a dismissive sound. “Always people who don’t like. Can’t worry bout those ones.”
“I know. But I do. I care what people think,” Sid whispered, fighting to stay calm. “I like it when people like me.”
It’s true. Sid goes out of his way for people to like him. Always tries to be nice, courteous, and accommodating; takes care not to offend anyone. Sid also hates harsh reviews and criticism. Though he doesn’t like to admit it he loathes them more than most players. To Sid they always mean he should have done better, that he should have tried harder. That he will soon be disliked by people for something he has no control over, for something he can’t change and can’t do any better leaves him panic stricken.
Alex shakes his head. “Sid. Don’t have to be perfect.”
Sid can only laugh bitterly at that. Since when has he ever been expected to be anything other than perfect? His whole life Sid’s known he was special, that people would be watching him. He knows that he’s being judged by a higher standard than most. His dad ingrained that in him early on. He needs to behave. He’s the savior of hockey, the poster child of the NHL, anything less would be failure.
He feels stricken. “Yeah, I kind of do,” he tells Alex sadly.
“Is only you, Sid that think that,” Alex declares making Sid only smile vaguely.
“I don’t want to just be “the gay hockey player”, Sid whispers.
“More than that, Sidney,” Alex tells him, smiling gently. He rubs his thumb along the back of Sid’s hand and Sid watches it for a moment before he looks up again.
“I’d lose my endorsements.”
“Maybe not that bad.”
Sid looks at him intently, studying him for his reaction. “What about you? You’d risk everything you have here? What if.......” Sid stops. There are so many what-if’s he can’t even imagine them all.
“If something important,” Alex tells him. “I risk. Only need so much money, Sid. Also important to be happy. To be free. Don’t you want that, Sid?”
“Yeah, I do. It’s just that......If we could just wait a while. .....If you would wait for me, I would really like that.”
Alex shakes his head sadly. “Wait how long, Sid? Wait for what? When will be okay?”
“I don’t know,” Sid tells him. He knows he’s asking a lot, probably too much.
“Or just want me to wait around for when have time to fuck after hockey games?”
Sid looks up in shock. “That’s not all it is. And that’s not what I’m asking.” He tries to sound convincing although in reality it isn’t far from what he is asking for. Short of phone calls it’s all Sid can see happening while they are both playing hockey, although clearly Alex has removed all emotion from the situation.
“No?”
“No,” Sid managed to tell him more firmly. His insides are shaking but he doesn’t know whether it’s from brewing anger, sadness, or shock because his lover is suddenly forcing reality in his face. Sid feels another surge of anger that Alex is pushing him like this. “I want to be with you. I do.”
“Sure. But not enough to be honest,” Alex accuses him.
Sid can find no words to defend himself. He feels terrible and all he can do is shake his head, more at himself than because he disagrees with what Alex has said. His whole life has been about hockey, being Sidney Crosby. It’s all he knows and he can’t see any alternative. How can he risk everything he is? It’s a lot easier to say “be honest” than it is to actually live it.
How can he tell his parents, tell them that he’s like Andrew Beck after all? Tell his family, his management...what will they all think? What will the country think? Cold panic grabs hold as Sid’s rational side suddenly takes over and pushes his feelings and hopes to the side. Sid could lose everything. If he acts on his emotions, acts on impulse, listens to the little voice promising happy endings, then he’ll risk everything he’s ever worked for.
Sid cares about Alex a lot. He knows he does. He thinks he might even love him but how can he risk everything for a relationship that might not last? The two of them don’t even live in the same city. They play for opposing teams, live in different countries in the off season. Sid’s never had a serious relationship with a woman, never mind one with a man. The whole thing would be fraught with controversy. Did they have enough in common to even make it worthwhile? What if they didn’t make it? What if he risked everything......for nothing?
Sid sits there still holding onto Alex’s hand, thinking about everything he’s said. He can feel tears pricking his eyes and his throat is so tight he’s not sure he could talk even if he knew what to say. It takes him a long time to find any words.
“I don’t think I can do it,” he finally says. He can feel Alex’s hand stiffen in his.
Alex tries to pull his hand away and Sid reflexively holds on harder so that he can’t. He doesn’t want to let go even though he knows that eventually he will have to.
“It’s just really hard,” he chokes out, rubbing at the tears that are threatening to start running down his cheek with the hand that’s free. He’s unwilling to look up and reveal the fear which is surely starting to show in his eyes. He knows he’s going to lose Alex.
Alex says nothing for the longest time but finally nods. The look he gives Sid is sad but sympathetic. “I know, Sid. Is not easy.”
“I don’t know what to do,” Sid tells him forlornly. He hates how Alex is so much stronger than he is, so much more accepting in his certainty.
“Like I say, Sid. Is your life. Is up to you how you do.”
It is his life, and the more Sid thinks about it the more he realizes it can’t work with Alex. People will figure it out. There is no doubt about it. The teams already know and neither of them had told anyone, that’s how obvious it is. It would be no time before more people found out and then the media would get it and then the whole world would find out that Sidney Crosby was fucking, and getting fucked by, Alexander Ovechkin. Sid’s face flushes at the thought.
“We could keep it under wraps like we have been,” Sid suggested, knowing as he said it how futile the idea is. “At least until we’re finished playing.”
Alex looks at him sadly and shakes his head. “Is no good. We play for years yet. I don’t hide. Won’t stand around you with girlfriends, hook up after games, like secret,” he looks up at Sid determinedly.
Although Sid has always suspected it, this is the first acknowledgement of just how badly he hurt Alex by being with Christine. And just as certainly he knows he’s probably going to do it again.
“You don’t understand what it’s like,” he tells Alex.
Alex just watches him levelly and then answers. “Maybe understand more than you think.”
Sid shakes his head, not sure what to say. He’s afraid he deserves every unflattering thing Alex thinks about him. He wishes he could explain but it’s difficult to put into words, at least in the state he’s in at the moment.
It’s just the sheer hell of growing up Sidney Crosby; the expectations from his first days in hockey, the pressure and baggage that goes along with being the poster boy for Canadian’s national sport. Surely Alex must feel something similar being a Russian superstar? Sid is certain he does. Except that he’s obviously thought about it and made his decision and in the process made Sid look...What? Weak, pathetic, cowardly......a litany of words go through his mind.
As if reading his thoughts Alex’s mouth twists in an ironic smile. “Maybe too hard for you. Maybe not worth it,” he suggests and Sid can feel his heart slowly break.
He whispers, “I’m sorry, but I can’t.”
Alex nods as if expecting to hear those words. “I’m sorry too, Sid.”
Sid looks at him helplessly. He knows this is the end. Alex has been honest with him, told him what he wants, what Sid needs to do. And Sid can’t do it, can’t bring himself to take the risk. But he also doesn’t know if he can face never seeing Alex again. The thought of it makes him feel sick.
“But I don’t want to stop,” he tells him. Even to himself he sounds weak, pathetic and whiny.
Alex shrugs and when Sid looks at him his eyes are also swimming in tears although there isn’t a hint of emotion on his face. Finally he runs his hands over his face and shakes his head. He looks incredibly tired.
He says softly but firmly, “Is up to you, Sid.”
Sid shakes his head. “I don’t know how you do it? You’re not afraid of anything.”
Alex shrugs. “Not true. Afraid of lots of things. But most afraid of looking back and wishing I do something different. Would be worse. Would be worst thing for me.”
“What about coaching? You told me you’d maybe want to coach after. No one in the NHL will want a gay coach.”
“You don’t know that, Sid. All you do is think about ways you can’t. Just see problems. Even if not there yet.”
Sid shakes his head in admiration. Alex is so stubborn in life, just as he is when he’s playing hockey. If something gets in his way he just goes right through it. When he sets his mind on something no one can stop him. Sid can’t help but find it amusing despite how upset he is. He lets out a sharp laugh and it sounds more like he’s choking. Alex gives him a puzzled look so he tries to explain.
“It’s just that you remind me of a toy I had when I was a kid. It was a toy jeep with a remote control. You couldn’t stop the thing. It would just keep going no matter what. Up and over whatever I drove it towards. That’s what you’re like, Alex.”
Alex looks at him sadly, thinking a moment before he replies. “When I was little boy Sid we not have much money. Not many toys. But one year I got real teddy bear. With fur. I carried him around all time. Sleep with him. Take him outside to play. First he get dirty, then he start to rip, then stuffing all fall out til there nothing left inside.”
Alex taps his hand over his heart at the last line before he finishes. “That’s what you remind me of, Sid.”
Sid looks down at his hands and bites on his lip. He shakes his head and the silence stretches out. There’s really nothing more he can say. He wipes a tear from his cheek with the back of his hand. There is nothing more to say.
“I guess I’ll see you,” Sid starts before his throat closes up completely.
“Yeah, Sid,” Alex agrees neutrally. “I see you next game.”
Alex eyes are red rimmed, as tear filled as Sid’s. He gets up and leaves the bar without looking back. Sid sits and stares into what’s left of his drink, not finding the determination to finish it nor the strength to put it down. The logical fear of being found out, risking his career is turning into a more innate panic at how to make it through the next hour, the next day without Alex in his life.
Sid doesn’t know how he’s going to go on as if nothing has happened when it feels like his life has just stopped. He’ll never be with Alex again and the pain is almost too overwhelming to keep inside. The worst part is the knowledge that he’s hurt Alex, has let down the one person he most wants to see happy is even more unbearable and he struggles to keep himself from sobbing.
Life will go on, will continue the way Sid has chosen, as it is supposed to go, as people expect. Sid will keep playing hockey even though he feels like something inside him has died. Sid sits in the booth until Jordie finds him much later, staring straight ahead, still lost in thought.
“Hey, Sid,” Jordie tells him. “We’ve been looking for you. It’s time to go.”
Sid looks up at him realizes the bar is near empty now. He shakes his head and starts to get up before the other man notices how he looks and presses him back down.
“Are you okay,” Jordie asks, his brows knit with concern.
Sid shakes his head. He doesn’t really want to talk about it. It won’t help, nothing will. What’s done is done.
“No, not really,” he tells him.
“Anything I can do?” Jordie asks.
Sid tries to smile but falls short. “No, not really.”
The worried look Jordie is giving him finally gets to Sid and he can feel his shoulders start to shake. He fights down a sob and is only partly successful. It comes out as a kind of choking hiccup but Sid manages to stop it at one.
“It’s just Alex,” he tries to explain before his throat closes up again. “It won’t work. I mean it can’t. It just can’t. And it’s just really hard right now.”
Jordie nods sympathetically as if he actually knows what the hell Sid is talking about and puts an arm around his shoulder.
“I’m really sorry," Jordie tells him. For all his straightforward simplicity he is a really good guy. Sid knows he means it from his heart.
“It’s for the best,” Sid tells him. “It’s not like I could ever be with him or anything. Not while we’re playing in the NHL. I mean, it just…..” he finishes helplessly. He’s not sure if he’s trying to convince Jordie or himself. “Right?”
“I don’t know, man,” Jordie tells him quietly. He’s not giving him anything here. Sid wishes Jordie would agree with him, tell him he’s doing the right thing but it’s not coming. Instead he pats Sid on the arm and tells him, “It’s time to make a move. The bar’s closing.”
Sid nods as he gets up. It’s for the best he tells himself yet again. So why does it feel so wrong?
TBC