(no subject)
Title: Over Time
Chapter: Twelve-A
Author: firiel77
Word Count:12,022
Warnings: WIP, angst fest, schmoop, misunderstandings, regrets, men being silly and uncommunicative.
Rating:NC17 for the most part.
Fandom Hockey RPS
Pairings: Sidney Crosby/Alexander Ovechkin
Summary: Set several years in the future. Sid’s taking stock of his life and finds he’s thinking about Ovie more and more. Only thing is, he doesn’t know what he wants. Ovie knows what he wants. He just doesn’t know how to get it. And so it goes.
Beta: Thank you so much sarcasmcat for stepping in and offering to beta this thing. I’m most grateful and I’m sure readers will be too. Disclaimer: It’s fan fiction people.
Feedback: Sure. Let me know what’s working for you.
Authors Notes: Warning. I’ve read a grand total of one fic in this fandom but I LOVED IT and I wanted to give writing a shot. Bare with me if I get things wrong. I’m not really familiar with the canon. I’m just hoping that if I set it far enough in the future that no one will notice I don’t know what the hell I’m talking about. Yes, I’m totally making shit up. Hope it flies.
Sid hardly remembers getting home; focusing on holding himself together. The tears are still not far away. He stares out the window of the limo as the city lights flash by. It’s started to snow heavily and Sid wonders for a moment if the weather is going to delay Alex’s flight back to DC in the morning. Then he reminds himself that it’s something he has no reason to worry about anymore.
Either Jordie’s tipped the guys off or they just sense that Sid’s in a bad place because they are uncharacteristically subdued in the limo. When it pulls up outside Letang’s house he gives Sid a reassuring pat on the knee before he climbs out. Sid has to get out of the car so Geno can get past when they let him off at his home. While they stand beside the car Geno pulls Sid into a boozy hug before he staggers up the sidewalk.
They finally reach Sid’s house and when he gets out Jordie walks him to his door. Sid unlocks his door and when he turns to say goodbye Jordie puts his hand on Sid’s arm to stop him from going inside.
“Are you going to be alright here on your own, Sid?” he asks. “I could crash here for the night?”
Sid forces himself to smile and shakes his head. “I’m okay, Jordie. Thanks though. I need to get to bed.”
Jordie looks a little doubtful but the limo driver honks his horn impatiently so he turns around and walks back to the car. Sid watches as Jordie gives him a final wave and climbs into the limo. Sid goes inside and kicks off his shoes at the door but doesn’t take off his coat. He feels like he’s frozen inside.
He’s got a bottle of vodka in the freezer so he pulls it out and makes himself a drink with what’s left of a carton of orange juice. It’s necessarily strong and he shudders when he takes the first sip. It gets better after that and soon Sid can feel the familiar warmth flooding through him. He stops in front of the picture of Alex, Geno and himself that’s hanging in the hall and looks at it while he finishes his drink.
He takes the picture off the wall and brings it with him into the living room, putting it down on the coffee table while he fixes himself another. The drink is straight vodka this time, there’s nothing else to mix it with, but it goes down alright. He stares at the picture of Alex while he drinks. By the time Sid falls asleep on the couch the rest of the bottle is gone.
He wakes up the next morning still in his clothes from the night before. It’s a good the morning practise was optional because it’s already noon when Sid looks at his watch. His neck is stiff and his mouth tastes as if something might have died in it. He’s got a headache so he gulps down some aspirin and has a drink of water. He’s just getting out of the shower when Jordie calls to make sure he’s okay. Sid tells him he’s fine even though at the moment he doesn’t know if he will ever be fine again.
But life goes on. Sid puts on a brave front and tells himself he’s got to move forward. He puts on his game face and concentrates on being the consummate hockey player he’s expected to be. He gives his interviews, talks about how the team is playing, about their opponents, and their chances in the playoffs. The team gets on a bit of a winning streak, getting up to seven wins before finally losing to the Jets in Winnipeg. Sid’s playing alright, he gets a couple goals and several more assists. If the team notices that he doesn’t laugh or joke around like he used to no one says anything about it.
He phones his mom one night and there must be something telling in his tone because she quickly asks him if he’s alright. He assures her everything is fine and changes the subject to something his coach had said to him that day. He makes a point of sounding more cheerful so that she doesn’t worry. He’s not sure how well he’s fooling her.
The Penguins finish the regular season and because of the late season rally they sneak into the final playoff spot. The team is playing well but as usual the long season has taken a toll and several key players are injured. Geno is out yet again, this time with a bad knee, and Brooks has a separated shoulder. It’s the kids that are holding the team together. Graham, a new defenseman called up from the minors to replace Orpik is playing with poise beyond his years and Selander is leading the team’s scoring. He’s in the running for rookie of the year.
They meet league leading Toronto in the first round and surprise everyone, not least of all themselves, by upsetting them in six games. The rookies, Selander and Krylov, play amazingly well. They both seem to have thrown off their first season jitters and are playing the way all the scouts knew they could. Sid wonders it the two of them hanging out so much and sharing a place has helped in that regard.
Krylov has to replace Flower in the first game when he unluckily takes a slap shot to the throat. It’s a daunting setback but the team never looks back. They rally around the rookie goal tender and play the best hockey they are capable of and Krylov doesn’t let them down. Some of the saves he makes against the Leafs have the commentators shaking their heads and there is early talk of a Conn Smythe trophy depending upon how far the Penguins go. Regardless, Krylov has the considerable firepower of Toronto fairly stymied and even manages to shut them out in two of the games.
Selander also dominates the play. The kid is on fire, netting eleven goals in the six games, including two game winning goals in overtime. He’s always been a beautiful skater but he’s playing with a confidence Sid’s not seen before. When he gets a hat trick in the final game Sid is so happy for his young winger that he forgets for a time just how miserable his own life is. It’s really only hockey that’s keeping him going.
The second round of the playoffs unfortunately proves to be a different story. Pittsburgh plays the Florida Panthers and their tough, disciplined play proves to be too much for Sid’s young team. They drop the first two games by narrow margins but then rally back for a win at home. They are leading again in the fourth game when the Panthers’ big defenseman Blake, nails Selander against the boards and knocks the stuffing out of him. It’s a clean hit but it shakes up the young player and he goes down like a sack of rocks.
He manages to leave the ice under his own steam and he returns for the third period but he’s obviously hurting. His play isn’t quite the same. The Panthers sense they are onto something and grind away at the Penguins with tight fore-checking and lots of punishing checks. They don’t miss a chance to rough the younger players up against the boards and inevitably they become frustrated and begin to retaliate. The Penguins start picking up penalties and as stellar as Krylov has been in goal he can’t stop everything.
The Panthers score two power play goals in the third period and win game four. Game five is much the same. The Panthers are relentless. As talented as the Pens’ rookies are they don’t have the experience or discipline to withstand Florida’s strategy. It’s too much for the younger players and they lose their composure again. The Penguins play well but lose game five 3 to 2 in the second overtime period; their playoff season in done.
As disappointing as being out of the playoffs is, Sid is proud of his team. He treats everyone to a night out at their favorite pub and makes sure there is plenty of beer. Jordie and Letang have planned a week in Hawaii with their girlfriends and they talk Sid into coming along. He’s had enough to drink that it seems like a great idea and before he can think better of it he calls Christine and invites her to come with him. She’s on a break so she agrees immediately. The next morning he’s not sure what he was thinking. He takes Christine on a double date with Letang and his girlfriend and it goes okay so Sid hopes the week in Hawaii with be as successful.
Sid is slightly surprised when the trip does turn out to be fun. Christine hits it off with the other women a lot better than she ever has with Sid’s family. The guys are even getting better at tolerating her haute ways. Or maybe, Sid thinks, they are just getting used to her.
He still misses Alex with a dull ache but Sid has to admit that being with Christine is easier. He doesn't have to worry about fitting in, about getting disapproving looks from people or having to always make a statement just by his choice of partner.
They all rent jeeps and drive around the island, take surfing lessons and go snorkeling like all the other tourists do. Oahu isn’t exactly a hotbed of hockey so they go unrecognized wherever they go. They also spend quite a bit of time kicking back at the pool and getting some sun which is exactly what they need after a long season.
Sid’s at the pool bar one afternoon with Letang and Jordie while the girls are out shopping and he orders another Mai Tai. Kris gives him a quizzical look when the bartender puts it in front of him.
“What?” Sid asks him.
Letang shrugs. “Just a little early to be hitting it that hard,” he comments. He looks at his watch. “It’s not even noon yet.”
“It’s afternoon somewhere,” Jordie pipes up. “Come on, Kris, we’re on vacation. Lighten up.”
He raises his glass and salutes Sid but Kris doesn’t seem convinced. He and Jordie are both still on their first drink.
Sid makes no comment. Damn right he’s on vacation and it’s not up to the guys to watch over him anyway. He downs half of his cocktail and enjoys the familiar buzz. He’ll slow down when he gets back to Nova Scotia and gets into a fitness routine. For now he’s quite happy to sit by the pool and drink himself happy.
Kris looks at him seriously and asks, “How are you doing, Sid? Really?”
Sid plays with the little umbrella in his drink. “I’m fine,” he tells Letang curtly. He’s really hoping Kris takes a hint and drops the subject but unfortunately he won’t be put off.
“Come on, Sid. You know you can talk to us. We’re your friends.”
Jordie nods enthusiastically. “That’s right, Sid. We’ve all been worried about you. It must be kind of rough. I mean, you and Ovechkin........”
Sid looks up at him sharply. “I don’t want to talk about it, Jordie. Okay?” he bites out. He immediately regrets his tone. He knows the guys mean well.
“I mean, there’s nothing to say,” he continues more gently. “We had kind of a thing for a while but it’s over. Like I said before, it’s not like it could ever work out or anything.”
Kris doesn’t really look convinced and he’s about to say something but Sid shakes his head. “Look, I’m glad you guys were so cool about it but there’s no way, I mean,” he stops there and shrugs. What more can he say.
“We just want to you to be happy, Sid,” Kris tells him.
Sid swallows hard and has to look away from the concern he sees in his friends’ eyes. He knows he’s lucky to have such good teammates and friends. He doesn’t want to worry them.
“I’ll be okay,” he assures them. “I promise.”
“That’s good, man,” Jordie tells him. “Cause we need you. You’re our captain.”
Any more conversation on the subject is cut short by the girls returning and joining them at the bar. The subject turns to the amazing deals they’ve found at the outlet mall. Sid orders a Mai Tai for Christine and gets another one for him too.
That night Kris and Jordie stay in to watch hockey. The Caps are playing Montreal in the finals and it looks like it could be the deciding game of the series. Sid takes Christine out for dinner at the most expensive restaurant he can think of and orders champagne. He tells her because it’s kind of their third year anniversary but really it’s so that he doesn’t have to watch Alex and the Capitals win their second Stanley Cup.
*********************************
When he gets back from Hawaii Sid goes home to Halifax. He skips the NHL awards ceremony this year. Christine flies to Europe. She has a lot of work lined up for the summer. Sid invites her to visit but she doesn’t have any time off so Sid mostly hangs out with the guys on his softball team. He’s out at the bar two or three nights a week and the guys are a little surprised at his change in behavior. Sid isn’t usually so much fun. He’s keeping the cab companies afloat with all his rides.
Sid’s parents drop by one Sunday morning and are slightly appalled that he’s not up yet and is obviously hung over. It’s not really like him. He’s normally pretty dedicated to staying in shape over the summer break but he’s not even running this year and it’s starting to show a little. He’s surprised one morning when he looks in the mirror and realizes he’s developing a bit of a gut. It’s a reality check and he decides he better shape up. He starts to work out a bit even if he doesn’t curtail his partying.
Sid heads back to Pittsburgh earlier than usual. It’s partly because his parents won’t let up on him about his drinking and partly because Christine is home and really wants him to go to some charity appearance with her. Sid tries to get out of it but she’s so insistent that he finally gives in. Anyway, it’s for a good cause. It’s a charity auction which is a benefit for sick children.
The two of them get a lot of press in the local media for their appearance at the benefit. There’s a photo of the two of them on the front page of the sports section the next morning. It’s slightly ironic because Christine hates kids. Sid can remember taking her to a barbeque once at one of the guys’ places and how she’d wanted nothing to do with anyone’s children. While the other women had gathered around to admire a new baby Christine had stayed well away. She was always quite vocal about how she would never be having any herself.
Sid goes out to a sports bar with Geno the next week and Jordie, Letang and Flower come along. They are all in the middle of hearing about how Geno has finally proposed to his girlfriend of several years when Sid notices an image of Alex on the TV behind their table. It looks like he’s made the sports news for some reason although there’s no sound so Sid isn’t sure why.
It’s not until Monday morning when Sid gets to the rink that he hears what’s going on. Geno and Krylov are in the dressing room already when Sid arrives and are carrying on a conversation in Russian. They stop immediately when they see him and both look so uneasy it’s almost comical. Sid knows immediately that something is up even though he’s got no clue what the two of them have been talking about.
“What’s going on, Geno,” Sid asks. He’s met with an uncomfortable silence.
Geno concentrates on his laces and doesn’t meet Sid’s eyes when he tells him, “Just talking about stuff from home, Sid.”
Krylov starts in again in Russian, telling Geno something that he obviously feels quite strongly about, judging by his strident tone of voice. Selander sits down beside him and says something quietly under his breath and puts a calming hand on Krylov’s knee. Geno glares at Krylov but doesn’t say anything. Most of the team hasn’t arrived yet so the four of them have the room to themselves.
Krylov glares right back at Geno and starts talking again, this time gesturing towards Sid several times as if to emphasize his point. Selander looks as if he wants to disappear into the floor and Sid begins to wonder if the kid can understand what the two Russians are saying. Geno looks as if he wouldn’t mind disappearing himself if give a chance. He looks that uncomfortable. Instead he silences Krylov with a curt sentence. Whatever it is Geno says it seems to appease the young goalie because he finally stands down and just glares at his fellow Russian sullenly. Selander looks up from the floor and watches Geno as well.
Geno sighs and turns to Sid. “We were talking about Alex,” he grudgingly explains.
“What about him,” Sid asks, his mind flashing back to the news story he’d glanced at a couple nights before.
Geno looks down at his skates. “Wasn’t sure if I should say anything, Sid. Not sure if you want to know about. But Alex was in car accident in Russia.”
“Is he alright?” Sid immediately asks. “What happened?”
“Is okay, Sid. Just can’t play for while. Broke leg in accident. Had surgery on knee.”
Sid lets out a sigh of relief at that. As much as he’s struggled to distance himself from Alex, to keep him from his thoughts, the idea that something bad has happened to him is too much to bear.
Krylov starts in again in Russian and Geno gives him an irritated look before responding. The two of them argue back and forth while Sid and Selander watch in silence. Sid is completely mystified as to what they’re talking about although he does recognize the name Sasha a couple times.
Selander says something to the two of them in Russian and Sid’s earlier suspicions are confirmed. At least whatever it is he says it immediately stops the two others from bickering at each other. Krylov opens his mouth to say more but Selander mutters something at him and he stops.
Geno turns back to Sid and finally begins to explain what’s going on while the other two watch. “Was big story at home, Sid. Guy in car with Alex was killed.”
“Who was he?” Sid asks, immediately feeling for Alex.
“Friend of Alex. Dmitri was name. We play juniors together. Semin too.”
“Was Alex driving? Was he speeding?” Sid immediately curses Alex’s love of fast cars and fears the worst.
Geno shakes his head. “No, Sid. Was just accident. Alex in wrong place.”
Krylov interjects again until Selander silences him with an elbow to the ribs. Geno gives him another baleful look before he continues.
“Reason it big story, Sid, was cause Dmitri gay. Everything come out after accident. Lots of talk about Alex. Pictures of them out at club. Reporters ask Alex bout it too. ”
“What did he say?” Sid has to ask.
It’s Krylov who answers the last question. “He tell truth, Sid. Alex come out. Say he’s not ashamed of Dmitri. And not ashamed to say he’s gay too. Say that Dmitri was old friend. Good friend. But is personal life so not talk about it. Course everyone think they together.”
Krylov’s voice is filled with admiration when he tells Sid the part about telling the truth. No doubt the young Russian is thrilled that someone as prominent as Alex is willing to stand up and make such an admission. Sid feels a wave of shame at how he’s not nearly so admirable.
“Wow,” is all he can think of to say.
Geno steps in again. “Press go crazy, Sid. Come after everyone. Ask us what we think. All anyone talk about in Russia right now is gay hockey players. Is crazy,” he says shaking his head.
“Was good to come back to Pittsburgh,” he concludes mournfully.
“Have you talked to Alex?” Sid asks. He can imagine quite well the kind of media attention Alex must be attracting.
Geno shakes his head. “No. Try to but no.”
Sid looks down at his feet and silence permeates the locker room. Finally Geno speaks again. “Sorry, Sid. Should have said something before. Just not sure you want to know.”
Sid shrugs. “It’s okay, Geno,” he says softly. “It’s not like.......” he starts before trailing off.
He doesn’t know what to say. He can’t say it doesn’t matter to him because he’d be lying to himself. It will probably always matter. No, what Sid means, though it hurts to admit it, is that he no longer has any right to that kind of information. He’s cut himself off from it with his actions.
Krylov looks like he has more to say but seems to think better of it when Geno gives him another withering look.
“Is more, Sid,” he admits.
Sid gives him an exasperated look. “What?”
“Um, pictures of all us. Ones from Semin birthday. Some fans get them, put up on message board. Press get them too. All over internet.”
Krylov struggles to contain his amusement and Sid wonders what the hell is so funny about the whole situation.
“Russian hockey blog say NHL full of homosexuals,” Krylov tells Sid. “Have pictures to prove it. Say better for us to all stay and play in KHL.”
“Oh, fuck,” Sid comes up with, frowning. He remembers that party and some of the pictures. He hopes the North American press don’t get hold of them.
“Where did they get the pictures?” he wonders. He can’t imagine any of the guys giving them to the media.
“Semin think someone take them from his friend’s Facebook,” Geno tells him Sid suddenly remembers the two Russian guys he’d met that night. Shit.
Sid finally asks the question that’s been on his mind from the beginning. “So, this guy with Alex?” he starts before losing his nerve. Finally he finishes. “Were they.....um.....together?”
Geno looks at Sid a minute before answering and Sid is afraid the pain is all too apparent on his face. It’s what Sid knew would happen. Alex has moved on and Sid has no one to blame but himself. But Geno doesn’t confirm his fears. Instead he shakes his head and tells Sid, “Don’t know, Sid. Not talk to Alex all summer.”
Sid’s not sure if he really doesn’t know or if he just doesn’t want to say but Sid leaves it at that. He’s pretty sure of the answer. He bends down and starts to lace his skates as a couple of the other Penguins finally straggle in. Flower comes and sits down beside Sid. He takes one look at the solemn faces around him and asks, “Who died?”
Geno mutters something in Russian and shakes his head and both Krylov and Selander look stricken. Sid looks back down at the floor.
“What did I say?” Flower demands.
“Just drop it,” Sid tells him. “Come on,” he tells everyone, “it’s time to get on the ice.”
*********************************
Sid’s hope that the Russian hockey gossip won’t make it across the Atlantic proves to be futile. It takes a few days but by the first week of the new season the story is definitely out. Most of the mainstream hockey press doesn’t mention the pictures when they’re talking to the Penguins but there is a certain subset of interviewers in the league that covers just this type of story.
Sid reads some of the gossip blogs in his spare time just to see what they have to say. He tells himself it’s to see if he’s being mentioned anywhere but it’s also because he wants to find out anything he can about Dmitri. There’s plenty of information out there about Dmitri Seminov, his life was no secret, but as to what he meant to Alex there is no further insight.
Dmitri played on the junior national team with Geno and Alex. He’d had his hockey career cut short by a serious knee injury and had spent the last few years as an assistant coach with Moscow Dynamo. Somewhat surprisingly to Sid, he’d apparently been living an openly gay lifestyle and was completely accepted by the team.
Sid reads a number of interviews with Russian hockey players who have nothing but good things to say about Seminov. He was universally respected and well liked in the community. Everyone is saddened by his death and give their condolences to his family. There is speculation about his relationship with Alex but no one who knows them will confirm or deny that they were lovers.
The best the bloggers can do is come up with some pictures of the two of them out at a club. They are hardly incriminating and Sid wonders why Alex felt he had to make any kind of confession at all. Except that Sid does know why. Alex told him as much the last time they saw each other. Alex has made a decision to be honest and he intends to stick with it.
Sid finds one interview with Alex on YouTube where he’s asked about the accident. It must have taken place quite soon afterwards because Alex looks tired and his face is badly bruised. He looks like he has some stitches in one cheek and his upper lip is swollen. He looks ill at ease and unhappy about having to do an interview at all. His impatience is palpable and Sid can’t help but smile fondly.
The interviewer, an attractive woman, asks a few softball questions about hockey and off season training before she gets down to business and questions Alex about the accident. He answers her briefly but it’s obvious to Sid that he finds it difficult to talk about. He’s visibly shaken. The reporter asks about Dmitri and Alex says that they were good friends. When she pushes, asking if there was any truth to the rumours that the two of them were lovers he won’t answer.
He shrugs apologetically and looks at the camera. “I talk about hockey if you like,” he tells them, “But not personal life.”
Alex is polite but firm and the interview wraps up pretty fast after that. Who wants to hear about hockey when there is gossip about homosexuality and secret lovers.
Chapter Twelve-B
Chapter: Twelve-A
Author: firiel77
Word Count:12,022
Warnings: WIP, angst fest, schmoop, misunderstandings, regrets, men being silly and uncommunicative.
Rating:NC17 for the most part.
Fandom Hockey RPS
Pairings: Sidney Crosby/Alexander Ovechkin
Summary: Set several years in the future. Sid’s taking stock of his life and finds he’s thinking about Ovie more and more. Only thing is, he doesn’t know what he wants. Ovie knows what he wants. He just doesn’t know how to get it. And so it goes.
Beta: Thank you so much sarcasmcat for stepping in and offering to beta this thing. I’m most grateful and I’m sure readers will be too. Disclaimer: It’s fan fiction people.
Feedback: Sure. Let me know what’s working for you.
Authors Notes: Warning. I’ve read a grand total of one fic in this fandom but I LOVED IT and I wanted to give writing a shot. Bare with me if I get things wrong. I’m not really familiar with the canon. I’m just hoping that if I set it far enough in the future that no one will notice I don’t know what the hell I’m talking about. Yes, I’m totally making shit up. Hope it flies.
Sid hardly remembers getting home; focusing on holding himself together. The tears are still not far away. He stares out the window of the limo as the city lights flash by. It’s started to snow heavily and Sid wonders for a moment if the weather is going to delay Alex’s flight back to DC in the morning. Then he reminds himself that it’s something he has no reason to worry about anymore.
Either Jordie’s tipped the guys off or they just sense that Sid’s in a bad place because they are uncharacteristically subdued in the limo. When it pulls up outside Letang’s house he gives Sid a reassuring pat on the knee before he climbs out. Sid has to get out of the car so Geno can get past when they let him off at his home. While they stand beside the car Geno pulls Sid into a boozy hug before he staggers up the sidewalk.
They finally reach Sid’s house and when he gets out Jordie walks him to his door. Sid unlocks his door and when he turns to say goodbye Jordie puts his hand on Sid’s arm to stop him from going inside.
“Are you going to be alright here on your own, Sid?” he asks. “I could crash here for the night?”
Sid forces himself to smile and shakes his head. “I’m okay, Jordie. Thanks though. I need to get to bed.”
Jordie looks a little doubtful but the limo driver honks his horn impatiently so he turns around and walks back to the car. Sid watches as Jordie gives him a final wave and climbs into the limo. Sid goes inside and kicks off his shoes at the door but doesn’t take off his coat. He feels like he’s frozen inside.
He’s got a bottle of vodka in the freezer so he pulls it out and makes himself a drink with what’s left of a carton of orange juice. It’s necessarily strong and he shudders when he takes the first sip. It gets better after that and soon Sid can feel the familiar warmth flooding through him. He stops in front of the picture of Alex, Geno and himself that’s hanging in the hall and looks at it while he finishes his drink.
He takes the picture off the wall and brings it with him into the living room, putting it down on the coffee table while he fixes himself another. The drink is straight vodka this time, there’s nothing else to mix it with, but it goes down alright. He stares at the picture of Alex while he drinks. By the time Sid falls asleep on the couch the rest of the bottle is gone.
He wakes up the next morning still in his clothes from the night before. It’s a good the morning practise was optional because it’s already noon when Sid looks at his watch. His neck is stiff and his mouth tastes as if something might have died in it. He’s got a headache so he gulps down some aspirin and has a drink of water. He’s just getting out of the shower when Jordie calls to make sure he’s okay. Sid tells him he’s fine even though at the moment he doesn’t know if he will ever be fine again.
But life goes on. Sid puts on a brave front and tells himself he’s got to move forward. He puts on his game face and concentrates on being the consummate hockey player he’s expected to be. He gives his interviews, talks about how the team is playing, about their opponents, and their chances in the playoffs. The team gets on a bit of a winning streak, getting up to seven wins before finally losing to the Jets in Winnipeg. Sid’s playing alright, he gets a couple goals and several more assists. If the team notices that he doesn’t laugh or joke around like he used to no one says anything about it.
He phones his mom one night and there must be something telling in his tone because she quickly asks him if he’s alright. He assures her everything is fine and changes the subject to something his coach had said to him that day. He makes a point of sounding more cheerful so that she doesn’t worry. He’s not sure how well he’s fooling her.
The Penguins finish the regular season and because of the late season rally they sneak into the final playoff spot. The team is playing well but as usual the long season has taken a toll and several key players are injured. Geno is out yet again, this time with a bad knee, and Brooks has a separated shoulder. It’s the kids that are holding the team together. Graham, a new defenseman called up from the minors to replace Orpik is playing with poise beyond his years and Selander is leading the team’s scoring. He’s in the running for rookie of the year.
They meet league leading Toronto in the first round and surprise everyone, not least of all themselves, by upsetting them in six games. The rookies, Selander and Krylov, play amazingly well. They both seem to have thrown off their first season jitters and are playing the way all the scouts knew they could. Sid wonders it the two of them hanging out so much and sharing a place has helped in that regard.
Krylov has to replace Flower in the first game when he unluckily takes a slap shot to the throat. It’s a daunting setback but the team never looks back. They rally around the rookie goal tender and play the best hockey they are capable of and Krylov doesn’t let them down. Some of the saves he makes against the Leafs have the commentators shaking their heads and there is early talk of a Conn Smythe trophy depending upon how far the Penguins go. Regardless, Krylov has the considerable firepower of Toronto fairly stymied and even manages to shut them out in two of the games.
Selander also dominates the play. The kid is on fire, netting eleven goals in the six games, including two game winning goals in overtime. He’s always been a beautiful skater but he’s playing with a confidence Sid’s not seen before. When he gets a hat trick in the final game Sid is so happy for his young winger that he forgets for a time just how miserable his own life is. It’s really only hockey that’s keeping him going.
The second round of the playoffs unfortunately proves to be a different story. Pittsburgh plays the Florida Panthers and their tough, disciplined play proves to be too much for Sid’s young team. They drop the first two games by narrow margins but then rally back for a win at home. They are leading again in the fourth game when the Panthers’ big defenseman Blake, nails Selander against the boards and knocks the stuffing out of him. It’s a clean hit but it shakes up the young player and he goes down like a sack of rocks.
He manages to leave the ice under his own steam and he returns for the third period but he’s obviously hurting. His play isn’t quite the same. The Panthers sense they are onto something and grind away at the Penguins with tight fore-checking and lots of punishing checks. They don’t miss a chance to rough the younger players up against the boards and inevitably they become frustrated and begin to retaliate. The Penguins start picking up penalties and as stellar as Krylov has been in goal he can’t stop everything.
The Panthers score two power play goals in the third period and win game four. Game five is much the same. The Panthers are relentless. As talented as the Pens’ rookies are they don’t have the experience or discipline to withstand Florida’s strategy. It’s too much for the younger players and they lose their composure again. The Penguins play well but lose game five 3 to 2 in the second overtime period; their playoff season in done.
As disappointing as being out of the playoffs is, Sid is proud of his team. He treats everyone to a night out at their favorite pub and makes sure there is plenty of beer. Jordie and Letang have planned a week in Hawaii with their girlfriends and they talk Sid into coming along. He’s had enough to drink that it seems like a great idea and before he can think better of it he calls Christine and invites her to come with him. She’s on a break so she agrees immediately. The next morning he’s not sure what he was thinking. He takes Christine on a double date with Letang and his girlfriend and it goes okay so Sid hopes the week in Hawaii with be as successful.
Sid is slightly surprised when the trip does turn out to be fun. Christine hits it off with the other women a lot better than she ever has with Sid’s family. The guys are even getting better at tolerating her haute ways. Or maybe, Sid thinks, they are just getting used to her.
He still misses Alex with a dull ache but Sid has to admit that being with Christine is easier. He doesn't have to worry about fitting in, about getting disapproving looks from people or having to always make a statement just by his choice of partner.
They all rent jeeps and drive around the island, take surfing lessons and go snorkeling like all the other tourists do. Oahu isn’t exactly a hotbed of hockey so they go unrecognized wherever they go. They also spend quite a bit of time kicking back at the pool and getting some sun which is exactly what they need after a long season.
Sid’s at the pool bar one afternoon with Letang and Jordie while the girls are out shopping and he orders another Mai Tai. Kris gives him a quizzical look when the bartender puts it in front of him.
“What?” Sid asks him.
Letang shrugs. “Just a little early to be hitting it that hard,” he comments. He looks at his watch. “It’s not even noon yet.”
“It’s afternoon somewhere,” Jordie pipes up. “Come on, Kris, we’re on vacation. Lighten up.”
He raises his glass and salutes Sid but Kris doesn’t seem convinced. He and Jordie are both still on their first drink.
Sid makes no comment. Damn right he’s on vacation and it’s not up to the guys to watch over him anyway. He downs half of his cocktail and enjoys the familiar buzz. He’ll slow down when he gets back to Nova Scotia and gets into a fitness routine. For now he’s quite happy to sit by the pool and drink himself happy.
Kris looks at him seriously and asks, “How are you doing, Sid? Really?”
Sid plays with the little umbrella in his drink. “I’m fine,” he tells Letang curtly. He’s really hoping Kris takes a hint and drops the subject but unfortunately he won’t be put off.
“Come on, Sid. You know you can talk to us. We’re your friends.”
Jordie nods enthusiastically. “That’s right, Sid. We’ve all been worried about you. It must be kind of rough. I mean, you and Ovechkin........”
Sid looks up at him sharply. “I don’t want to talk about it, Jordie. Okay?” he bites out. He immediately regrets his tone. He knows the guys mean well.
“I mean, there’s nothing to say,” he continues more gently. “We had kind of a thing for a while but it’s over. Like I said before, it’s not like it could ever work out or anything.”
Kris doesn’t really look convinced and he’s about to say something but Sid shakes his head. “Look, I’m glad you guys were so cool about it but there’s no way, I mean,” he stops there and shrugs. What more can he say.
“We just want to you to be happy, Sid,” Kris tells him.
Sid swallows hard and has to look away from the concern he sees in his friends’ eyes. He knows he’s lucky to have such good teammates and friends. He doesn’t want to worry them.
“I’ll be okay,” he assures them. “I promise.”
“That’s good, man,” Jordie tells him. “Cause we need you. You’re our captain.”
Any more conversation on the subject is cut short by the girls returning and joining them at the bar. The subject turns to the amazing deals they’ve found at the outlet mall. Sid orders a Mai Tai for Christine and gets another one for him too.
That night Kris and Jordie stay in to watch hockey. The Caps are playing Montreal in the finals and it looks like it could be the deciding game of the series. Sid takes Christine out for dinner at the most expensive restaurant he can think of and orders champagne. He tells her because it’s kind of their third year anniversary but really it’s so that he doesn’t have to watch Alex and the Capitals win their second Stanley Cup.
*********************************
When he gets back from Hawaii Sid goes home to Halifax. He skips the NHL awards ceremony this year. Christine flies to Europe. She has a lot of work lined up for the summer. Sid invites her to visit but she doesn’t have any time off so Sid mostly hangs out with the guys on his softball team. He’s out at the bar two or three nights a week and the guys are a little surprised at his change in behavior. Sid isn’t usually so much fun. He’s keeping the cab companies afloat with all his rides.
Sid’s parents drop by one Sunday morning and are slightly appalled that he’s not up yet and is obviously hung over. It’s not really like him. He’s normally pretty dedicated to staying in shape over the summer break but he’s not even running this year and it’s starting to show a little. He’s surprised one morning when he looks in the mirror and realizes he’s developing a bit of a gut. It’s a reality check and he decides he better shape up. He starts to work out a bit even if he doesn’t curtail his partying.
Sid heads back to Pittsburgh earlier than usual. It’s partly because his parents won’t let up on him about his drinking and partly because Christine is home and really wants him to go to some charity appearance with her. Sid tries to get out of it but she’s so insistent that he finally gives in. Anyway, it’s for a good cause. It’s a charity auction which is a benefit for sick children.
The two of them get a lot of press in the local media for their appearance at the benefit. There’s a photo of the two of them on the front page of the sports section the next morning. It’s slightly ironic because Christine hates kids. Sid can remember taking her to a barbeque once at one of the guys’ places and how she’d wanted nothing to do with anyone’s children. While the other women had gathered around to admire a new baby Christine had stayed well away. She was always quite vocal about how she would never be having any herself.
Sid goes out to a sports bar with Geno the next week and Jordie, Letang and Flower come along. They are all in the middle of hearing about how Geno has finally proposed to his girlfriend of several years when Sid notices an image of Alex on the TV behind their table. It looks like he’s made the sports news for some reason although there’s no sound so Sid isn’t sure why.
It’s not until Monday morning when Sid gets to the rink that he hears what’s going on. Geno and Krylov are in the dressing room already when Sid arrives and are carrying on a conversation in Russian. They stop immediately when they see him and both look so uneasy it’s almost comical. Sid knows immediately that something is up even though he’s got no clue what the two of them have been talking about.
“What’s going on, Geno,” Sid asks. He’s met with an uncomfortable silence.
Geno concentrates on his laces and doesn’t meet Sid’s eyes when he tells him, “Just talking about stuff from home, Sid.”
Krylov starts in again in Russian, telling Geno something that he obviously feels quite strongly about, judging by his strident tone of voice. Selander sits down beside him and says something quietly under his breath and puts a calming hand on Krylov’s knee. Geno glares at Krylov but doesn’t say anything. Most of the team hasn’t arrived yet so the four of them have the room to themselves.
Krylov glares right back at Geno and starts talking again, this time gesturing towards Sid several times as if to emphasize his point. Selander looks as if he wants to disappear into the floor and Sid begins to wonder if the kid can understand what the two Russians are saying. Geno looks as if he wouldn’t mind disappearing himself if give a chance. He looks that uncomfortable. Instead he silences Krylov with a curt sentence. Whatever it is Geno says it seems to appease the young goalie because he finally stands down and just glares at his fellow Russian sullenly. Selander looks up from the floor and watches Geno as well.
Geno sighs and turns to Sid. “We were talking about Alex,” he grudgingly explains.
“What about him,” Sid asks, his mind flashing back to the news story he’d glanced at a couple nights before.
Geno looks down at his skates. “Wasn’t sure if I should say anything, Sid. Not sure if you want to know about. But Alex was in car accident in Russia.”
“Is he alright?” Sid immediately asks. “What happened?”
“Is okay, Sid. Just can’t play for while. Broke leg in accident. Had surgery on knee.”
Sid lets out a sigh of relief at that. As much as he’s struggled to distance himself from Alex, to keep him from his thoughts, the idea that something bad has happened to him is too much to bear.
Krylov starts in again in Russian and Geno gives him an irritated look before responding. The two of them argue back and forth while Sid and Selander watch in silence. Sid is completely mystified as to what they’re talking about although he does recognize the name Sasha a couple times.
Selander says something to the two of them in Russian and Sid’s earlier suspicions are confirmed. At least whatever it is he says it immediately stops the two others from bickering at each other. Krylov opens his mouth to say more but Selander mutters something at him and he stops.
Geno turns back to Sid and finally begins to explain what’s going on while the other two watch. “Was big story at home, Sid. Guy in car with Alex was killed.”
“Who was he?” Sid asks, immediately feeling for Alex.
“Friend of Alex. Dmitri was name. We play juniors together. Semin too.”
“Was Alex driving? Was he speeding?” Sid immediately curses Alex’s love of fast cars and fears the worst.
Geno shakes his head. “No, Sid. Was just accident. Alex in wrong place.”
Krylov interjects again until Selander silences him with an elbow to the ribs. Geno gives him another baleful look before he continues.
“Reason it big story, Sid, was cause Dmitri gay. Everything come out after accident. Lots of talk about Alex. Pictures of them out at club. Reporters ask Alex bout it too. ”
“What did he say?” Sid has to ask.
It’s Krylov who answers the last question. “He tell truth, Sid. Alex come out. Say he’s not ashamed of Dmitri. And not ashamed to say he’s gay too. Say that Dmitri was old friend. Good friend. But is personal life so not talk about it. Course everyone think they together.”
Krylov’s voice is filled with admiration when he tells Sid the part about telling the truth. No doubt the young Russian is thrilled that someone as prominent as Alex is willing to stand up and make such an admission. Sid feels a wave of shame at how he’s not nearly so admirable.
“Wow,” is all he can think of to say.
Geno steps in again. “Press go crazy, Sid. Come after everyone. Ask us what we think. All anyone talk about in Russia right now is gay hockey players. Is crazy,” he says shaking his head.
“Was good to come back to Pittsburgh,” he concludes mournfully.
“Have you talked to Alex?” Sid asks. He can imagine quite well the kind of media attention Alex must be attracting.
Geno shakes his head. “No. Try to but no.”
Sid looks down at his feet and silence permeates the locker room. Finally Geno speaks again. “Sorry, Sid. Should have said something before. Just not sure you want to know.”
Sid shrugs. “It’s okay, Geno,” he says softly. “It’s not like.......” he starts before trailing off.
He doesn’t know what to say. He can’t say it doesn’t matter to him because he’d be lying to himself. It will probably always matter. No, what Sid means, though it hurts to admit it, is that he no longer has any right to that kind of information. He’s cut himself off from it with his actions.
Krylov looks like he has more to say but seems to think better of it when Geno gives him another withering look.
“Is more, Sid,” he admits.
Sid gives him an exasperated look. “What?”
“Um, pictures of all us. Ones from Semin birthday. Some fans get them, put up on message board. Press get them too. All over internet.”
Krylov struggles to contain his amusement and Sid wonders what the hell is so funny about the whole situation.
“Russian hockey blog say NHL full of homosexuals,” Krylov tells Sid. “Have pictures to prove it. Say better for us to all stay and play in KHL.”
“Oh, fuck,” Sid comes up with, frowning. He remembers that party and some of the pictures. He hopes the North American press don’t get hold of them.
“Where did they get the pictures?” he wonders. He can’t imagine any of the guys giving them to the media.
“Semin think someone take them from his friend’s Facebook,” Geno tells him Sid suddenly remembers the two Russian guys he’d met that night. Shit.
Sid finally asks the question that’s been on his mind from the beginning. “So, this guy with Alex?” he starts before losing his nerve. Finally he finishes. “Were they.....um.....together?”
Geno looks at Sid a minute before answering and Sid is afraid the pain is all too apparent on his face. It’s what Sid knew would happen. Alex has moved on and Sid has no one to blame but himself. But Geno doesn’t confirm his fears. Instead he shakes his head and tells Sid, “Don’t know, Sid. Not talk to Alex all summer.”
Sid’s not sure if he really doesn’t know or if he just doesn’t want to say but Sid leaves it at that. He’s pretty sure of the answer. He bends down and starts to lace his skates as a couple of the other Penguins finally straggle in. Flower comes and sits down beside Sid. He takes one look at the solemn faces around him and asks, “Who died?”
Geno mutters something in Russian and shakes his head and both Krylov and Selander look stricken. Sid looks back down at the floor.
“What did I say?” Flower demands.
“Just drop it,” Sid tells him. “Come on,” he tells everyone, “it’s time to get on the ice.”
*********************************
Sid’s hope that the Russian hockey gossip won’t make it across the Atlantic proves to be futile. It takes a few days but by the first week of the new season the story is definitely out. Most of the mainstream hockey press doesn’t mention the pictures when they’re talking to the Penguins but there is a certain subset of interviewers in the league that covers just this type of story.
Sid reads some of the gossip blogs in his spare time just to see what they have to say. He tells himself it’s to see if he’s being mentioned anywhere but it’s also because he wants to find out anything he can about Dmitri. There’s plenty of information out there about Dmitri Seminov, his life was no secret, but as to what he meant to Alex there is no further insight.
Dmitri played on the junior national team with Geno and Alex. He’d had his hockey career cut short by a serious knee injury and had spent the last few years as an assistant coach with Moscow Dynamo. Somewhat surprisingly to Sid, he’d apparently been living an openly gay lifestyle and was completely accepted by the team.
Sid reads a number of interviews with Russian hockey players who have nothing but good things to say about Seminov. He was universally respected and well liked in the community. Everyone is saddened by his death and give their condolences to his family. There is speculation about his relationship with Alex but no one who knows them will confirm or deny that they were lovers.
The best the bloggers can do is come up with some pictures of the two of them out at a club. They are hardly incriminating and Sid wonders why Alex felt he had to make any kind of confession at all. Except that Sid does know why. Alex told him as much the last time they saw each other. Alex has made a decision to be honest and he intends to stick with it.
Sid finds one interview with Alex on YouTube where he’s asked about the accident. It must have taken place quite soon afterwards because Alex looks tired and his face is badly bruised. He looks like he has some stitches in one cheek and his upper lip is swollen. He looks ill at ease and unhappy about having to do an interview at all. His impatience is palpable and Sid can’t help but smile fondly.
The interviewer, an attractive woman, asks a few softball questions about hockey and off season training before she gets down to business and questions Alex about the accident. He answers her briefly but it’s obvious to Sid that he finds it difficult to talk about. He’s visibly shaken. The reporter asks about Dmitri and Alex says that they were good friends. When she pushes, asking if there was any truth to the rumours that the two of them were lovers he won’t answer.
He shrugs apologetically and looks at the camera. “I talk about hockey if you like,” he tells them, “But not personal life.”
Alex is polite but firm and the interview wraps up pretty fast after that. Who wants to hear about hockey when there is gossip about homosexuality and secret lovers.
Chapter Twelve-B