(no subject)
Title: Over Time
Chapter: Ten
Author: firiel77
Word Count: 5938
Beta:Thank you so much sarcasmcat for stepping in and offering to beta this thing. I’m most grateful and I’m sure readers will be too.
Warnings: WIP, angst fest, schmoop, misunderstandings, regrets, men being silly and uncommunicative.
Rating:NC17 for the most part.
Fandom Hockey RPS
Pairings: Sidney Crosby/Alexander Ovechkin
Summary: Set several years in the future. Sid’s taking stock of his life and finds he’s thinking about Ovie more and more. Only thing is, he doesn’t know what he wants. Ovie knows what he wants. He just doesn’t know how to get it. And so it goes.
Disclaimer: It’s fan fiction people.
Feedback: Sure. Let me know what’s working for you.
Authors Notes: Warning. I’ve read a grand total of one fic in this fandom but I LOVED IT and I wanted to give writing a shot. Bear with me if I get things wrong. I’m not really familiar with the canon. I’m just hoping that if I set it far enough in the future that no one will notice I don’t know what the hell I’m talking about. Yes, I’m totally making shit up. Hope it flies.
Previous Chapters can be found here.
By the time Alex reaches Sid's room he's has had a chance to shower and pour several tiny bottles of scotch in a glass. His jitters seem to have caused him to fall off the wagon. Sid’s in his complimentary hotel robe, sipping his drink when he answers the door. Alex has changed into jeans and a t-shirt. He’s showered too and it looks like he’s made a bit of an attempt to comb his hair, though it’s still running wild.
“Not watching porn?” Alex tries for a joke, looking over at the sports coverage on television. Despite his light tone he seems subdued, slightly hesitant as if he’s not sure he should be there. He’s not the cheerful, exuberant lover Sid has always known, he’s holding back, and Sid doesn’t like it much even though he can’t blame him. It must be hard when Sid keeps changing the rules.
Sid flushes. He remembers seeing come running down a stubble covered cheek. “I don’t want porn,” he says while he turns off the TV.
“I haven’t been able to stop thinking about you,” Sid confesses when he turns back to the other man. He’s got a lot more things he wants to say but right now he just needs.....
Alex raises an eyebrow and asks him, “What things you thinking about?”
“Everything,” Sid tells him before leaning in to kiss Alex again. He doesn’t know where to start. All Sid knows is that he needs to make him want to stay, needs Alex here with him tonight, needs to be able to see him whenever he wants. He needs Alex to believe him when he tells him how sorry he is, that he’ll never hurt him again.
Sid’s tried not having him, going on with his normal life, and it’s not been working. He needs him back. He needs to make him want to come back. Sid thinks he’d do anything to make that happen.
He pulls Alex down onto the bed with him and his robe falls open. He’s completely hard already but all he wants right now is for Alex to be naked too so he can touch him again. It’s been far, far too long. Sid is frantic for him. He starts pulling impatiently at Alex’s t-shirt, trying to get it off him, until Alex finally starts to laugh.
“Okay, okay,” he chuckles. “Let me get undressed.”
When he’s got his clothes off Alex lies down beside Sid and kisses him thoroughly. Sid almost sighs with relief when he does it. He grabs at Alex, pulling him against him, pressing his fingers into the meat of the other man’s thighs and ass. He’s missed this so fucking much he can’t say. “Fuck,” he grinds out.
Alex is getting hard now too, aroused from the contact, the kissing, the friction between them. Sid guides him over onto his back and leans over him, propped up on his elbows, and wiggles his way to the right position. He reaches for Alex’s cock as he moistens his lips and then bobs up and down on it. He can feel the other man’s cock lengthen and fill out as blood flows to it.
When Alex is fully hard Sid stops and looks up at him, laying head back, legs spread wide, one arm thrown over his face, eyes shut. He’s heavily muscled still, solid and substantial; his body build sturdy for hard use, scarred by past experiences. Sid runs his eyes down over his lightly haired chest and abdomen to his turgid cock, lying full against his abdomen, ready for sex. Sid can’t stop staring at him. He knows he’ll never see anyone he wants more.
Sid lies down beside him again and runs a hand lightly over his hip and up his ribs. Alex shivers at the light contact and rolls towards Sid, head rested on his elbow, studying him quietly. It’s an unusual moment, halting and tender, neither of them sure of what will happen next.
“Alex,” Sid rasps and then shakes his head in confusion. “Fuck, all the guys on the team just call you Ovechkin, but I can’t. It’s so stupid. I don’t even know what I should call you,” he admits.
Alex lips twitch in a shy smile. “Alex is fine, Sidney,” he tells him. “Or Sasha. People who.....close, they call me that.”
Sid smiles back at him. The thought that he’s been given permission to call the other man Sasha makes him feel slightly giddy. That’s what he wants; to be considered close to Alex. He wants Alex to know how important he is to Sid and in return he needs to know he’s important to him too. Sid wants that right, he’s thrilled by the honour, the implied intimacy of being allowed to call him Sasha.
“Alright, Sasha then,” he agrees, getting used to the sound of it on his tongue. He slides up the bed so they are even and leans over to kiss Alex deeply, urgently. Alex pulls him closer so the two of them are aligned and strokes his hand over both of their cocks. Sid is leaking already and the moisture slicks Alex’s movements over the sensitive skin.
It feels amazing and Sid starts thrusting into Alex’s fist, rocking back and forth, but he realizes he wants more. This time, after so long, he needs more. Sid hears the words outside himself when he says, “Sasha, please, fuck me.”
Alex opens his eyes and looks uncertain, probably not sure what he heard. He doesn’t look like he believes it anyway. He makes no response at all, just stares at Sid, his mouth partially open in apparent surprise.
Sid takes a deep breath and starts again. “Alex, Sasha, I want, I’d really like it if you would fuck me,” he repeats.
“Really? You sure?” Alex asks, his voice calm except for a slight tremor.
The expression on Alex’s face is almost comical except that Sid is in no mood for laughing at the moment. Instead of saying any more his just smiles and nods and Alex’s breath hitches.
“Alright,” Alex nods solemnly.
He sits up and leans over Sid’s body without contact, and kisses him. He slides down next to Sid, kissing and caressing him all over, easing him onto his stomach. Sid feels the bed shift beneath him and turns his head to watch Alex reach for the small tube next to Sid’s watch on the nightstand. He has a short flight of nerves but calms himself. This is exactly what he wants.
Sid closes his eyes as Ovechkin rubs his back soothingly, feels his breath warm against his neck, a tender kiss pressed there. And then Alex is gently spreading him open, squeezing out a dollop of lube, massaging it in, slick fingertip gently probing, worming its way inside of Sid, making him moan into the pillow.
It feels strange to be breached. Sid had never realized how sensitive he was there until Alex had taken him apart that time with his tongue. Having a finger inside is more intense, more substantial, but it doesn’t really hurt. Sid has a high pain threshold anyway. He quickly becomes accustomed to the intrusion. His cock is trapped beneath him and Sid rocks forward, rubbing it against the bed and then thrusting back farther on Alex’s finger.
Alex’s finger is deep inside him now and Sid can’t imagine how he’s going to get his cock in because one finger is filling him enough. For a moment he’s almost overwhelmed with how his body responds to the contact, feels the blood rushing through his body, his body contracting as if encouraging him to move, to touch him more. Sid pushes his hips down, his insides clenched around the finger as Alex moves it carefully and the reward is immediate; he shudders within and every muscle trembled in pleasure.
As Alex brushes his finger purposely over Sid’s prostate he arches his back and gasps, “Oh, fuck,” and bucks his cock into the mattress again. Now Sid finally knows what the attraction is, what he’s been doing all this time to Alex without even knowing how great it was. It explains a lot. It gives Sid a sense of power he didn’t know he had.
“Yeah, there,” Alex says, and Sid can hear the smile in his voice. “Is good?”
“Jesus Christ,” Sid swears. “Is it always like this?”
Alex doesn’t say anything. Instead he gives another delirious nudge and asks, “Little more?”
Sid can’t help but moan, “Yes,” while he rocks his hips again.
He can feel a second finger, feels Alex opening him up more, doesn’t know how many fingers are inside him, corkscrewing as they slide in and out. When Sid starts moving with the finger strokes, pushing back, muscles finally relaxing, Alex withdraws. Sid lays his head down on the pillow, wills himself to relax and prepares for what he knows will come next.
At first Sid doesn’t realize what Alex has said and he has to lift his head to look over his shoulder and see what it is that he wants.
“Sid, turn over? Turn on your back? Okay?” he asks quietly.
“Um, okay?” Sid agrees, willing enough but just not sure of the mechanics.
“Is sometimes easier on stomach, at first, but now for me I like, I would like on back....” Alex tells him solemnly.
His eyes are slightly downcast when he adds, “I know you prolly not want to look at me....,” he pauses before continuing, “Only it help for me to look at you.” Alex tries for a light tone, but Sid catches a flicker beneath the self-depreciation.
There is something so raw in his expression that it makes Sid shiver. He rolls onto his back and then sits up. He frowns in confusion and shakes his head no, “I....., what do you mean?” he demands. He’s not at all sure where this is coming from.
Alex looks right at him, “Maybe so you think someone else........Girl,” he finally shrugs.
Sid is aghast. It’s never been like that. “It’s not that, I like looking at you,” Sid stumbles. “Alex, a lot,” he insists.
Ovechkin drops his eyes again, “It made you cry.”
“Alex,” Sid breathes. But he can’t finish, can barely even start the sentence. “I don’t...” He stops again, rolls onto his side, half-sits up. “That’s not it at all. That’s never been it. Really,” he says. Alex’s face is still looking down, his whole face downturned and Sid reaches across and puts a hand on his chin, turns his head so the other man is looking at him again. Sid strokes the angle of his jaw with his thumb.
“That’s not why,” Sid tries again. “I love....I really, really like to look at you,” he tells Alex. He can feel himself blushing at the admission. It’s not the kind of things guys normally say at all. It feels strange. Sid never says shit like this to girls.
Alex nods but he’s still doesn’t raise his eyes. “Alex,” Sid says insistently, and now he finally looks up. Their eyes meet and Sid’s mouth curves into a faint smile. His fingertips caress Alex’s face. “I think you’re beautiful,” he tells him, meaning every word of in.
Alex snorts at that. Sid knows what he thinks of his face, how it’s not meant for commercials. It’s a hockey player’s face and he’s earned every scar and bump on his nose, every loose or missing tooth. Sid wouldn’t want it any other way. Finally Alex gives him a tentative smile and leans over to kiss him.
Sid falls back, pulling Alex back down on top of him, splaying his legs apart so that the other man can settle between his thighs. He can feel Alex’s cock pressing against his thigh and he rubs against it and they both moan.
“Okay. So I want this,” Sid tells him, staring up into his eyes, trust implicit. “Show me what to do.”
Alex nods solemnly as he looks down at Sid. He sits back on his heels and reaches for the condom and lube, gets himself ready. He watches Sid with hooded eyes while he coats lube over himself and give a couple strokes. Finally he brushes his hair back out of his eyes with the back of a hand and gets between Sid’s legs.
Alex lifts Sid’s legs, positions him, asks him if he’s comfortable, and Sid nods. He adds another coat to his fingers, reinserts them, watching Sid’s face. Sid closes his eyes, enjoying the sensations, the strange slick friction, back and forth, in and out. He starts to moan in protest when the fingers withdraw but immediately feels Alex’s cockhead resting against his entrance, and the quality of the moan alters.
Alex asks him if he’s sure, if he’s ready. Sid just nods again, and Alex enters him, pushing slowly until he’s all the way inside, and Sid’s teeth press together tightly. He closes his eyes, wishes for darkness, the pain makes everything too bright. Alex pulls out and Sid opens his eyes, grunts but he’s only slathering on more lube. He leans over to kiss Sid as he enters him again, tongue and cock sliding in simultaneously. Sid’s breathing shallows as Alex starts to move inside him.
Alex smoothes a hand down his thigh and murmurs, “Relax. You have to relax Sid, or not feel good.”
Alex coils his fingers around Sid’s cock, fondling him. “Let me make good.”
The touch, the words transmute to a pleasure that enters and ripples through Sid, melting him. Alex caresses and kisses him again, shifting back to reposition himself, finding a new angle of entry, going slowly, with such small movements...until Sid relaxes and starts to move with him, pleasure swelling, and Alex wraps Sid’s legs around his waist, and drives into him.
Sid watches Alex’s face, looks down the length of his body to watch him pumping, his cock sliding in and out of Sid. Alex’s jaw is set with concentration, with the effort needed to restrain himself. Although Sid could feel trapped, vulnerable in his position, he doesn’t. He feels only complete trust.
There’s no pain anymore, Sid feels filled, content, as if an emptiness he never knew he had is now filled, and he never wants to feel empty again. Sid realizes this is the final step. He’s crossed an invisible line with what they’re doing tonight. He’s having a sexual relationship with another man and he’s overwhelmed at how good it feels.
It’s not making out, it’s not fooling around, there’s no way it can be excused as anything else but what it is. Alex is inside him, holding him, kissing his neck and Sid had never felt so close, so connected to anyone in his life, has never experienced anything more intimate that what they’re doing. It’s not just sex, it’s being close, revealing feeling they haven’t said with words. Sid realizes that for the first time, probably ever, he’s making love with someone. When Alex moves again Sid loses his breath, his head spins and all thoughts disappear.
“Tell me when,” Alex grits out, “When ready to come.”
Sid tells him, practically begging, “Don’t stop, don’t ever stop, oh fuck Alex, don’t stop, it feels so good,” his voice as ragged as his breath.
Sid begins to rock his hips towards Alex, meeting his thrusts and Alex doesn’t stop him. He welcomes each shove. Sid hears his breathing intensify, hears it become a mix of pants and low throaty moans each time their hips meet. They are both coated with sweat and Sid slips his hand between them. He needs to be masturbated, has to be touched, his erection leaking onto his stomach, and it throbs so insistently he’s afraid he’ll pass out on release. He groans and his whole body jerks as his hand makes contact for a second before being pulled away.
“I do it,” Alex tells him.
“Then fucking do it,” Sid growls in desperation, becoming frantic for release. He’s just about ready to engage in a physical fight over the matter, although he can’t help but smile at his own distress and then snort in amusement and triumph when he hears Alex’s low laugh change to a groan when Sid thrusts back at him.
Alex keeps thrusting into him, head down, and Sid gives up, admitting an odd defeat, and simply lies there, gasping and surrendering to the jolts that shoot through him with constantly being filled. He has no more energy to try harder, can’t move anymore, can’t try when it doesn’t lead to anything but greater yearning, it will never end. He wraps his legs more tightly around Alex, lifts hips, and accepts each thrust with a loud moan, uncaring if anyone else in the hotel hears him. He nearly sobs in gratitude when Alex’s hand finally wraps around his leaking cock and starts stroking it in time with his thrusts.
Sid’s world blackens, his body clasps at Alex, shakes and trembles as waves of built-up pleasure are released. He gasps, moves, stays still as semen shoots up his stomach. Each time his body starts to relax, Alex moves and another surge of orgasm is released from somewhere deep within. Sid’s entire body comes. If he hadn’t been lying flat on his back he would certainly have collapsed. Sid feels Alex move once more, hears him succumb and feels his body quiver inside and all around him, sending a last rush of weak spasms through him.
After regaining some degree of consciousness, Sid drops his legs back down, and Alex lays over him, Sid’s arms wrapped around him, his head bowed on Sid’s shoulder. They’re both breathless, struggling to return to normal, both feeling drained and fighting the exhaustion now claiming the place of their spent desire.
“You okay,” Alex asks him quietly, eventually breaking the silence.
“Yeah,” Sid can barely nod.
“Was good?” He places a weak kiss on Sid’s shoulder.
“Hmmm,” Sid agrees, still trying to recover his breath. The question is rhetorical anyway and probably the understatement of the year. Sid doesn’t even have to think about it to know that this was the hardest he’s ever come in his life.
Sid lays there, watches Alex wiping come from his fingers onto the sheets, wiping a strand of come off his chest, and he wants to pull him close and hold him like that all night. He wants to whisper things to him, secrets, his most intimate thoughts, about his feelings.
He doesn’t remember it ever being like this before, there’s definitely “more” to tonight, he wants to hold Alex all night. Keep him with him. Watching Alex- like this and thinking about him, makes Sid feel a little dizzy so he closes his eyes for a moment, just for a second, it’s only a long blink, he’s going to open them again....
The events of the past few days catch up with him. The sleepless night spent on the plane, the game, Sid’s nervous excitement about seeing Alex again, worrying about what will happen, the alcohol, even the sex, all hit him at once. Though there are things he needs to say, they need to talk about, Sid falls asleep holding Alex.
When Sid wakes up the lights in the room have been turned off. There is soft light coming from the bathroom illuminating part of the room. He hears Alex moving around quietly, getting ready to leave. He can feign sleep and just let Alex go, knowing that sooner or later there will be another next time, after another night out with the teams, after a game, maybe in another men’s room.....
Or he can say Alex’s name, bring him back into his bed, fall asleep next to him - for a change - wake up next to him. They can talk about these things, what Sid’s discovered tonight, and in the months they’ve been apart, these things that Sid is still trying to work out in his mind. He doesn’t really have a plan yet, he doesn’t know where Alex is going to fit in his life yet. But he does know he needs to be there.
Alex is moving across the floor, going for the door now. Sid doesn’t have much time for his decision. In a moment he will be gone. And though there will surely be a next time, Sid knows he’ll probably be drunk again, will probably need the haze more than ever after what he’s realized tonight. Either he can accept this thing with Alex, accept Alex and tell him, accept himself; or he can be so drunk the next time he won’t remember.
Hand on the doorknob, Alex looks back at the bed to see if it’s safe to open the door. Light is seeping into the room from the lit bathroom, turned on so Alex could find his things, there’s must enough for their eyes to meet. If Sid doesn’t say anything now, the moment will be lost, Alex will be gone.
In the time it takes Sid to think this, the door is already shutting behind Alex as he leaves. As the door closes Sid misses him immediately. He silently berates himself for not saying something, for not making Alex stay. Laying there in his hotel room, alone, Sid realizes he is so in love he doesn’t know what to do.
******************
Sid doesn’t talk to Alex the next day. He sleeps late and begs off his morning appearances saying he’s caught the flu and can’t keep anything down. It is so out of character that everyone believes him and they leave him alone. He showers and climbs back in bed, staying there all afternoon. His body hurts in a way he’s not accustomed to, muscles burn when he tightens them, not unpleasantly. He gingerly wipes himself, looking for blood when he’s in the shower, but there is none.
Sid needs some time to think, he needs to face the fact that he is probably gay. Okay, cut the shit, Sidney, there’s no probably in there. Only gay men let other men fuck them. As many times as he’s fucked woman, let’s be honest, Alex fucking him was completely different. When Geno calls to see if Sid wants to go out for dinner he tells him he’s still sick.
They fly back to North America the following day and Sid uncharacteristically sleeps late. The time difference has completely messed him up. He has to rush to pack up, get his passport and ticket in order, and catch a cab the airport. Luckily the ride is uneventful and Sid gets checked in and through security just as his flight is called. Sid reaches his gate just as the last of the passengers are loading and follows them down the jetway, glancing at his ticket for his seat assignment.
Sid assumes he’ll be sitting with Geno again on the way back but they’d never discussed the arrangement. League officials had arranged the travel details and emailed then to the players in advance. When he enters the first class compartment Sid sees a few familiar faces but no Geno. Sid finds his row and is surprised to see Alex sitting in the seat next to his. Well, he’s kind of in both seats. He’s left his bag on the empty seat next to him while he reads a magazine and sips a beer.
Alex seems as surprised as Sid is and quickly pulls his bag back into his own area. Sid puts his coat in the overhead compartment and tucks his carry-on under the seat in front. Then he sits down and stares straight ahead, conscious of all the players sitting in the seats around them. He can feel his face begin to flush with just the thought that someone might know.
When he glances at Alex he nods hello and Sid tips his head in reply. He takes the safety card out of the pocket and glances over it while they finish boarding. He bends down to get his water bottle out of his carry on and raps his forehead on the tray. This draws a guffaw from Ryan Kessler who’s sitting across the aisle from him. Sid gives the Canuck a sour look and arranges his water in the pocket where he likes it. He starts flipping through the In Flight magazine and tries to salvage his wounded pride.
After a couple minutes Sid feels a nudge on his arm. When he quickly glances at Alex he murmurs, “You want me to sit somewhere else?”
Sid shakes his head no but doesn’t look at him. He keeps his eyes forward and his hands folded in his lap.
“You need drink, Sid?” Alex asks quietly, nodding at the beer he’s holding. He cranes his neck, raising out of his seat slightly, looking for the flight attendant. “Here, I get you one if you want.”
“Sit down,” Sid hisses, still looking ahead.
“Just to relax,” Alex soothes. “Everyone getting them. For takeoff, I mean.”
“I said no,” Sid snaps at him, again conscious of the players surrounding them. Everyone seems to be reading or playing their video games though, no one is watching the two of them.
Alex settles back into his seat and looks away, his mouth tight.
Sid closes his eyes and sighs, sorry that he was so abrupt, knowing he’s being an asshole. He opens his eyes. Alex is leaning against the window, forehead pressed to it as he stares out at the runway, light and shadow playing across his face.
Alex sits back when they begin to taxi down the runway. Sid looks ahead as well and there is an almost imperceptible bump when they leave the ground. He shuts his eyes and the force pulls him back into his seat and the plane inclines. The flight crew start bustling around, getting drinks and preparing for a meal and Sid watches as Alex pulls out a pen and a crossword puzzle book from the seat pocket in front of him and stares at the page.
Sid watches as he writes something in the margin and then tilts the magazine so he can read it, nudges Sid gently to get his attention. It says, “Are you okay?”
He’s spelled it out because he knows phonetic abbreviations annoy Sid. Sid looks down at the page, nods curtly, and turns away. Alex takes the magazine back, hesitates, then writes, “Did I hurt you last night?”
Sid’s brows knit when he reads it, and he looks up sharply at Alex. His mouth starts open, but then he shuts it, shakes his head, looks away again. Alex scribbles out his note, rubbing hard to black out the words completely, his knuckles white with effort. He puts the magazine away and takes out his iPod, putting in his earphones and then looking out the window again.
Sid takes only water when the steward comes by and Alex just shakes his head no thanks when they ask him and then tilts his seat back and shuts his eyes. They don’t even give him a meal, thinking he is asleep, and Sid eats his own food although his stomach is churning and he can barely taste it. When he’s done and they’ve taken his tray, Sid plugs in his earphones and watches a movie.
The cabin crew finish up after the meal and dim the lights. Some passengers are trying to sleep while others read or watch movies. Sid glances across at Alex and sees his eyes are shut although he can hear music playing faintly through his iPhone. He wonders if he should take it from him and turn it off. Instead he accepts a blanket and pillow from the steward and smoothes it over himself and then as an afterthought drags it across Alex as well.
The other man doesn’t move, doesn’t stir, when Sid covers him. He must be asleep. Sid’s relieved. It means he doesn’t have to try to talk. He’s been sitting here, wanting to say something, but can’t think of a single word. He slides the arm up so that there’s nothing between the two of them and although he feels exposed, even though they are covered by blankets, he slides his leg closer so he can feel Alex against him. Sid glances across and sees Alex’s chest rising and falling slowly, breathing slowly and deeply, his eyes still shut.
Sid sits there, looking straight ahead, and slips his hand over towards where he knows Alex’s is resting on his lap. He finds a warm wrist and rests his palm against it, feeling his pulse point. He expects a slow steady rhythm as for someone who’s sleeping. Instead Sid inhales sharply in surprise. Alex’s heart is racing.
Sid pauses for a minute and then makes up his mind. He slips his hand a little farther and finds Alex’s hand, intertwining their fingers and giving them a squeeze. Sid watches Alex, he doesn’t open his eyes, but the corners of his lips lift slightly and he squeezes Sid’s hand back. It’s small and fragile but it’s what Sid needs, what they both need.
Slowly, Sid allows himself to relax, to lean slightly towards Alex, and Alex shifts a little, giving Sid somewhere to lean, to rest his head. Sid feels Alex put his other hand on top of both there’s and just leave it there, holding them together. The cabin is dark now, their bulk indistinct under the single blanket. Almost everyone has turned off their movies and reading lights. Sid falls asleep with his head resting on Alex’s shoulder.
The next morning Alex is already awake when Sid wakes up with drool running down the side of his face. He wakes disoriented, taking a moment to realize he’s on a plane. He comes to with a start and pulls himself upright, wiping the sleep from his eyes. Alex smiles at him softly and mouths, “Morning.”
Sid smiles at him but says nothing. In the light of day it’s more difficult. There are team mates all around them, waking up, walking up and down the aisle to the bathroom. Sid can smell breakfast being prepared in the galley and the cabin lights are coming back on. Alex gives his hand a last squeeze and then allows Sid to pull it back to his lap.
Sid starts to laugh when he notices the puddle of drool on Alex’s shoulder and the other man slaps him on the arm.
“Crosby,” he laughs, “Look at my shirt. Jesus. God.”
Some of the other players join in and they rib Sid about what an unattractive sleeper he is. He takes it in good stride. It’s not like Alex is much better. His hair is sticking out in all directions and his eyes are puffy. It does break the ice though and they chat casually while they eat breakfast, joking with the guys around them.
Afterwards they take turn squeezing into the bathroom, trying to wash up and smooth their hair down, make themselves presentable to disembark. It’s not very successful. They watch another movie while the plane approaches North America. Finally, the flight attendant puts her hand on Sid’s shoulder and tells him he needs to return his seat to the upright position and they descend into LA.
All too soon Sid they are on the ground and walking off the plane, up the jetway and into the terminal. And they are not alone anymore, and it’s not the place or time for talking. They are still with each other, next to each other, through customs and immigration they are still pretty much together, and Sid starts to feel anxious about coming to the end. Sid will be flying to Pittsburgh and Alex will be getting on a plane for Washington, DC. They need to find their gates.
He wonders what he could say to get Alex to stay with him longer, because he needs to talk to him. He wonders if Alex has time to maybe go get a coffee or maybe something else to eat before the next flight. Before he can come up with the right words they are in the concourse and Alex is, pulling out his next ticket, figuring out where he needs to go. It’s almost time to say goodbye.
It turns out their gates are in the same direction so they walk companionably down the hallway with their carry-ons. Sid reaches his gate first and he pulls up, preparing to say goodbye even though it’s the last thing he wants to do. He hears himself say the words and Alex nods at him, and says good bye too.
Alex turns to continue to his gate and Sid watches him take a step or two before he calls him. “Alex,” he says. It comes out in an embarrassing squeak and Sid has to clear his throat.
Alex stops and turns, and Sid crosses to him, tilts his head. He doesn’t know how to ask what he needs to know, but Alex is looking at him, waiting for him to speak.
“On the plane,” Sid starts, then falters. Closes his mouth, keeps looking at Alex who keeps looking back at him, and Sid wonders how long a moment can stretch before it snaps.
Then Alex is looking past him and Sid turns too, and sees a man approaching them along with his son. It looks like they’ve been recognized, or at least Sid has. The boy is grinning from ear to ear.
“Are you Sidney Crosby,” he asks and Sid has no choice but to smile back and saying, “Yes, I am.”
Alex smiles at Sid and shrugs and then his eyes slide away towards his gate and Sid knows he’s going to go; they aren’t going to have a chance to talk after all.
“Okay,” Alex says. “I see you Sid. Talk to you soon.”
Sid feels like his heart is breaking but all he can do is chat with the boy and sign his magazine and then those of a few other people who gather around him. When they are all done, when everyone has what they want, he sits at his gate and waits for his flight, thinking about Alex the whole time.
TBC
Chapter: Ten
Author: firiel77
Word Count: 5938
Beta:Thank you so much sarcasmcat for stepping in and offering to beta this thing. I’m most grateful and I’m sure readers will be too.
Warnings: WIP, angst fest, schmoop, misunderstandings, regrets, men being silly and uncommunicative.
Rating:NC17 for the most part.
Fandom Hockey RPS
Pairings: Sidney Crosby/Alexander Ovechkin
Summary: Set several years in the future. Sid’s taking stock of his life and finds he’s thinking about Ovie more and more. Only thing is, he doesn’t know what he wants. Ovie knows what he wants. He just doesn’t know how to get it. And so it goes.
Disclaimer: It’s fan fiction people.
Feedback: Sure. Let me know what’s working for you.
Authors Notes: Warning. I’ve read a grand total of one fic in this fandom but I LOVED IT and I wanted to give writing a shot. Bear with me if I get things wrong. I’m not really familiar with the canon. I’m just hoping that if I set it far enough in the future that no one will notice I don’t know what the hell I’m talking about. Yes, I’m totally making shit up. Hope it flies.
Previous Chapters can be found here.
By the time Alex reaches Sid's room he's has had a chance to shower and pour several tiny bottles of scotch in a glass. His jitters seem to have caused him to fall off the wagon. Sid’s in his complimentary hotel robe, sipping his drink when he answers the door. Alex has changed into jeans and a t-shirt. He’s showered too and it looks like he’s made a bit of an attempt to comb his hair, though it’s still running wild.
“Not watching porn?” Alex tries for a joke, looking over at the sports coverage on television. Despite his light tone he seems subdued, slightly hesitant as if he’s not sure he should be there. He’s not the cheerful, exuberant lover Sid has always known, he’s holding back, and Sid doesn’t like it much even though he can’t blame him. It must be hard when Sid keeps changing the rules.
Sid flushes. He remembers seeing come running down a stubble covered cheek. “I don’t want porn,” he says while he turns off the TV.
“I haven’t been able to stop thinking about you,” Sid confesses when he turns back to the other man. He’s got a lot more things he wants to say but right now he just needs.....
Alex raises an eyebrow and asks him, “What things you thinking about?”
“Everything,” Sid tells him before leaning in to kiss Alex again. He doesn’t know where to start. All Sid knows is that he needs to make him want to stay, needs Alex here with him tonight, needs to be able to see him whenever he wants. He needs Alex to believe him when he tells him how sorry he is, that he’ll never hurt him again.
Sid’s tried not having him, going on with his normal life, and it’s not been working. He needs him back. He needs to make him want to come back. Sid thinks he’d do anything to make that happen.
He pulls Alex down onto the bed with him and his robe falls open. He’s completely hard already but all he wants right now is for Alex to be naked too so he can touch him again. It’s been far, far too long. Sid is frantic for him. He starts pulling impatiently at Alex’s t-shirt, trying to get it off him, until Alex finally starts to laugh.
“Okay, okay,” he chuckles. “Let me get undressed.”
When he’s got his clothes off Alex lies down beside Sid and kisses him thoroughly. Sid almost sighs with relief when he does it. He grabs at Alex, pulling him against him, pressing his fingers into the meat of the other man’s thighs and ass. He’s missed this so fucking much he can’t say. “Fuck,” he grinds out.
Alex is getting hard now too, aroused from the contact, the kissing, the friction between them. Sid guides him over onto his back and leans over him, propped up on his elbows, and wiggles his way to the right position. He reaches for Alex’s cock as he moistens his lips and then bobs up and down on it. He can feel the other man’s cock lengthen and fill out as blood flows to it.
When Alex is fully hard Sid stops and looks up at him, laying head back, legs spread wide, one arm thrown over his face, eyes shut. He’s heavily muscled still, solid and substantial; his body build sturdy for hard use, scarred by past experiences. Sid runs his eyes down over his lightly haired chest and abdomen to his turgid cock, lying full against his abdomen, ready for sex. Sid can’t stop staring at him. He knows he’ll never see anyone he wants more.
Sid lies down beside him again and runs a hand lightly over his hip and up his ribs. Alex shivers at the light contact and rolls towards Sid, head rested on his elbow, studying him quietly. It’s an unusual moment, halting and tender, neither of them sure of what will happen next.
“Alex,” Sid rasps and then shakes his head in confusion. “Fuck, all the guys on the team just call you Ovechkin, but I can’t. It’s so stupid. I don’t even know what I should call you,” he admits.
Alex lips twitch in a shy smile. “Alex is fine, Sidney,” he tells him. “Or Sasha. People who.....close, they call me that.”
Sid smiles back at him. The thought that he’s been given permission to call the other man Sasha makes him feel slightly giddy. That’s what he wants; to be considered close to Alex. He wants Alex to know how important he is to Sid and in return he needs to know he’s important to him too. Sid wants that right, he’s thrilled by the honour, the implied intimacy of being allowed to call him Sasha.
“Alright, Sasha then,” he agrees, getting used to the sound of it on his tongue. He slides up the bed so they are even and leans over to kiss Alex deeply, urgently. Alex pulls him closer so the two of them are aligned and strokes his hand over both of their cocks. Sid is leaking already and the moisture slicks Alex’s movements over the sensitive skin.
It feels amazing and Sid starts thrusting into Alex’s fist, rocking back and forth, but he realizes he wants more. This time, after so long, he needs more. Sid hears the words outside himself when he says, “Sasha, please, fuck me.”
Alex opens his eyes and looks uncertain, probably not sure what he heard. He doesn’t look like he believes it anyway. He makes no response at all, just stares at Sid, his mouth partially open in apparent surprise.
Sid takes a deep breath and starts again. “Alex, Sasha, I want, I’d really like it if you would fuck me,” he repeats.
“Really? You sure?” Alex asks, his voice calm except for a slight tremor.
The expression on Alex’s face is almost comical except that Sid is in no mood for laughing at the moment. Instead of saying any more his just smiles and nods and Alex’s breath hitches.
“Alright,” Alex nods solemnly.
He sits up and leans over Sid’s body without contact, and kisses him. He slides down next to Sid, kissing and caressing him all over, easing him onto his stomach. Sid feels the bed shift beneath him and turns his head to watch Alex reach for the small tube next to Sid’s watch on the nightstand. He has a short flight of nerves but calms himself. This is exactly what he wants.
Sid closes his eyes as Ovechkin rubs his back soothingly, feels his breath warm against his neck, a tender kiss pressed there. And then Alex is gently spreading him open, squeezing out a dollop of lube, massaging it in, slick fingertip gently probing, worming its way inside of Sid, making him moan into the pillow.
It feels strange to be breached. Sid had never realized how sensitive he was there until Alex had taken him apart that time with his tongue. Having a finger inside is more intense, more substantial, but it doesn’t really hurt. Sid has a high pain threshold anyway. He quickly becomes accustomed to the intrusion. His cock is trapped beneath him and Sid rocks forward, rubbing it against the bed and then thrusting back farther on Alex’s finger.
Alex’s finger is deep inside him now and Sid can’t imagine how he’s going to get his cock in because one finger is filling him enough. For a moment he’s almost overwhelmed with how his body responds to the contact, feels the blood rushing through his body, his body contracting as if encouraging him to move, to touch him more. Sid pushes his hips down, his insides clenched around the finger as Alex moves it carefully and the reward is immediate; he shudders within and every muscle trembled in pleasure.
As Alex brushes his finger purposely over Sid’s prostate he arches his back and gasps, “Oh, fuck,” and bucks his cock into the mattress again. Now Sid finally knows what the attraction is, what he’s been doing all this time to Alex without even knowing how great it was. It explains a lot. It gives Sid a sense of power he didn’t know he had.
“Yeah, there,” Alex says, and Sid can hear the smile in his voice. “Is good?”
“Jesus Christ,” Sid swears. “Is it always like this?”
Alex doesn’t say anything. Instead he gives another delirious nudge and asks, “Little more?”
Sid can’t help but moan, “Yes,” while he rocks his hips again.
He can feel a second finger, feels Alex opening him up more, doesn’t know how many fingers are inside him, corkscrewing as they slide in and out. When Sid starts moving with the finger strokes, pushing back, muscles finally relaxing, Alex withdraws. Sid lays his head down on the pillow, wills himself to relax and prepares for what he knows will come next.
At first Sid doesn’t realize what Alex has said and he has to lift his head to look over his shoulder and see what it is that he wants.
“Sid, turn over? Turn on your back? Okay?” he asks quietly.
“Um, okay?” Sid agrees, willing enough but just not sure of the mechanics.
“Is sometimes easier on stomach, at first, but now for me I like, I would like on back....” Alex tells him solemnly.
His eyes are slightly downcast when he adds, “I know you prolly not want to look at me....,” he pauses before continuing, “Only it help for me to look at you.” Alex tries for a light tone, but Sid catches a flicker beneath the self-depreciation.
There is something so raw in his expression that it makes Sid shiver. He rolls onto his back and then sits up. He frowns in confusion and shakes his head no, “I....., what do you mean?” he demands. He’s not at all sure where this is coming from.
Alex looks right at him, “Maybe so you think someone else........Girl,” he finally shrugs.
Sid is aghast. It’s never been like that. “It’s not that, I like looking at you,” Sid stumbles. “Alex, a lot,” he insists.
Ovechkin drops his eyes again, “It made you cry.”
“Alex,” Sid breathes. But he can’t finish, can barely even start the sentence. “I don’t...” He stops again, rolls onto his side, half-sits up. “That’s not it at all. That’s never been it. Really,” he says. Alex’s face is still looking down, his whole face downturned and Sid reaches across and puts a hand on his chin, turns his head so the other man is looking at him again. Sid strokes the angle of his jaw with his thumb.
“That’s not why,” Sid tries again. “I love....I really, really like to look at you,” he tells Alex. He can feel himself blushing at the admission. It’s not the kind of things guys normally say at all. It feels strange. Sid never says shit like this to girls.
Alex nods but he’s still doesn’t raise his eyes. “Alex,” Sid says insistently, and now he finally looks up. Their eyes meet and Sid’s mouth curves into a faint smile. His fingertips caress Alex’s face. “I think you’re beautiful,” he tells him, meaning every word of in.
Alex snorts at that. Sid knows what he thinks of his face, how it’s not meant for commercials. It’s a hockey player’s face and he’s earned every scar and bump on his nose, every loose or missing tooth. Sid wouldn’t want it any other way. Finally Alex gives him a tentative smile and leans over to kiss him.
Sid falls back, pulling Alex back down on top of him, splaying his legs apart so that the other man can settle between his thighs. He can feel Alex’s cock pressing against his thigh and he rubs against it and they both moan.
“Okay. So I want this,” Sid tells him, staring up into his eyes, trust implicit. “Show me what to do.”
Alex nods solemnly as he looks down at Sid. He sits back on his heels and reaches for the condom and lube, gets himself ready. He watches Sid with hooded eyes while he coats lube over himself and give a couple strokes. Finally he brushes his hair back out of his eyes with the back of a hand and gets between Sid’s legs.
Alex lifts Sid’s legs, positions him, asks him if he’s comfortable, and Sid nods. He adds another coat to his fingers, reinserts them, watching Sid’s face. Sid closes his eyes, enjoying the sensations, the strange slick friction, back and forth, in and out. He starts to moan in protest when the fingers withdraw but immediately feels Alex’s cockhead resting against his entrance, and the quality of the moan alters.
Alex asks him if he’s sure, if he’s ready. Sid just nods again, and Alex enters him, pushing slowly until he’s all the way inside, and Sid’s teeth press together tightly. He closes his eyes, wishes for darkness, the pain makes everything too bright. Alex pulls out and Sid opens his eyes, grunts but he’s only slathering on more lube. He leans over to kiss Sid as he enters him again, tongue and cock sliding in simultaneously. Sid’s breathing shallows as Alex starts to move inside him.
Alex smoothes a hand down his thigh and murmurs, “Relax. You have to relax Sid, or not feel good.”
Alex coils his fingers around Sid’s cock, fondling him. “Let me make good.”
The touch, the words transmute to a pleasure that enters and ripples through Sid, melting him. Alex caresses and kisses him again, shifting back to reposition himself, finding a new angle of entry, going slowly, with such small movements...until Sid relaxes and starts to move with him, pleasure swelling, and Alex wraps Sid’s legs around his waist, and drives into him.
Sid watches Alex’s face, looks down the length of his body to watch him pumping, his cock sliding in and out of Sid. Alex’s jaw is set with concentration, with the effort needed to restrain himself. Although Sid could feel trapped, vulnerable in his position, he doesn’t. He feels only complete trust.
There’s no pain anymore, Sid feels filled, content, as if an emptiness he never knew he had is now filled, and he never wants to feel empty again. Sid realizes this is the final step. He’s crossed an invisible line with what they’re doing tonight. He’s having a sexual relationship with another man and he’s overwhelmed at how good it feels.
It’s not making out, it’s not fooling around, there’s no way it can be excused as anything else but what it is. Alex is inside him, holding him, kissing his neck and Sid had never felt so close, so connected to anyone in his life, has never experienced anything more intimate that what they’re doing. It’s not just sex, it’s being close, revealing feeling they haven’t said with words. Sid realizes that for the first time, probably ever, he’s making love with someone. When Alex moves again Sid loses his breath, his head spins and all thoughts disappear.
“Tell me when,” Alex grits out, “When ready to come.”
Sid tells him, practically begging, “Don’t stop, don’t ever stop, oh fuck Alex, don’t stop, it feels so good,” his voice as ragged as his breath.
Sid begins to rock his hips towards Alex, meeting his thrusts and Alex doesn’t stop him. He welcomes each shove. Sid hears his breathing intensify, hears it become a mix of pants and low throaty moans each time their hips meet. They are both coated with sweat and Sid slips his hand between them. He needs to be masturbated, has to be touched, his erection leaking onto his stomach, and it throbs so insistently he’s afraid he’ll pass out on release. He groans and his whole body jerks as his hand makes contact for a second before being pulled away.
“I do it,” Alex tells him.
“Then fucking do it,” Sid growls in desperation, becoming frantic for release. He’s just about ready to engage in a physical fight over the matter, although he can’t help but smile at his own distress and then snort in amusement and triumph when he hears Alex’s low laugh change to a groan when Sid thrusts back at him.
Alex keeps thrusting into him, head down, and Sid gives up, admitting an odd defeat, and simply lies there, gasping and surrendering to the jolts that shoot through him with constantly being filled. He has no more energy to try harder, can’t move anymore, can’t try when it doesn’t lead to anything but greater yearning, it will never end. He wraps his legs more tightly around Alex, lifts hips, and accepts each thrust with a loud moan, uncaring if anyone else in the hotel hears him. He nearly sobs in gratitude when Alex’s hand finally wraps around his leaking cock and starts stroking it in time with his thrusts.
Sid’s world blackens, his body clasps at Alex, shakes and trembles as waves of built-up pleasure are released. He gasps, moves, stays still as semen shoots up his stomach. Each time his body starts to relax, Alex moves and another surge of orgasm is released from somewhere deep within. Sid’s entire body comes. If he hadn’t been lying flat on his back he would certainly have collapsed. Sid feels Alex move once more, hears him succumb and feels his body quiver inside and all around him, sending a last rush of weak spasms through him.
After regaining some degree of consciousness, Sid drops his legs back down, and Alex lays over him, Sid’s arms wrapped around him, his head bowed on Sid’s shoulder. They’re both breathless, struggling to return to normal, both feeling drained and fighting the exhaustion now claiming the place of their spent desire.
“You okay,” Alex asks him quietly, eventually breaking the silence.
“Yeah,” Sid can barely nod.
“Was good?” He places a weak kiss on Sid’s shoulder.
“Hmmm,” Sid agrees, still trying to recover his breath. The question is rhetorical anyway and probably the understatement of the year. Sid doesn’t even have to think about it to know that this was the hardest he’s ever come in his life.
Sid lays there, watches Alex wiping come from his fingers onto the sheets, wiping a strand of come off his chest, and he wants to pull him close and hold him like that all night. He wants to whisper things to him, secrets, his most intimate thoughts, about his feelings.
He doesn’t remember it ever being like this before, there’s definitely “more” to tonight, he wants to hold Alex all night. Keep him with him. Watching Alex- like this and thinking about him, makes Sid feel a little dizzy so he closes his eyes for a moment, just for a second, it’s only a long blink, he’s going to open them again....
The events of the past few days catch up with him. The sleepless night spent on the plane, the game, Sid’s nervous excitement about seeing Alex again, worrying about what will happen, the alcohol, even the sex, all hit him at once. Though there are things he needs to say, they need to talk about, Sid falls asleep holding Alex.
When Sid wakes up the lights in the room have been turned off. There is soft light coming from the bathroom illuminating part of the room. He hears Alex moving around quietly, getting ready to leave. He can feign sleep and just let Alex go, knowing that sooner or later there will be another next time, after another night out with the teams, after a game, maybe in another men’s room.....
Or he can say Alex’s name, bring him back into his bed, fall asleep next to him - for a change - wake up next to him. They can talk about these things, what Sid’s discovered tonight, and in the months they’ve been apart, these things that Sid is still trying to work out in his mind. He doesn’t really have a plan yet, he doesn’t know where Alex is going to fit in his life yet. But he does know he needs to be there.
Alex is moving across the floor, going for the door now. Sid doesn’t have much time for his decision. In a moment he will be gone. And though there will surely be a next time, Sid knows he’ll probably be drunk again, will probably need the haze more than ever after what he’s realized tonight. Either he can accept this thing with Alex, accept Alex and tell him, accept himself; or he can be so drunk the next time he won’t remember.
Hand on the doorknob, Alex looks back at the bed to see if it’s safe to open the door. Light is seeping into the room from the lit bathroom, turned on so Alex could find his things, there’s must enough for their eyes to meet. If Sid doesn’t say anything now, the moment will be lost, Alex will be gone.
In the time it takes Sid to think this, the door is already shutting behind Alex as he leaves. As the door closes Sid misses him immediately. He silently berates himself for not saying something, for not making Alex stay. Laying there in his hotel room, alone, Sid realizes he is so in love he doesn’t know what to do.
******************
Sid doesn’t talk to Alex the next day. He sleeps late and begs off his morning appearances saying he’s caught the flu and can’t keep anything down. It is so out of character that everyone believes him and they leave him alone. He showers and climbs back in bed, staying there all afternoon. His body hurts in a way he’s not accustomed to, muscles burn when he tightens them, not unpleasantly. He gingerly wipes himself, looking for blood when he’s in the shower, but there is none.
Sid needs some time to think, he needs to face the fact that he is probably gay. Okay, cut the shit, Sidney, there’s no probably in there. Only gay men let other men fuck them. As many times as he’s fucked woman, let’s be honest, Alex fucking him was completely different. When Geno calls to see if Sid wants to go out for dinner he tells him he’s still sick.
They fly back to North America the following day and Sid uncharacteristically sleeps late. The time difference has completely messed him up. He has to rush to pack up, get his passport and ticket in order, and catch a cab the airport. Luckily the ride is uneventful and Sid gets checked in and through security just as his flight is called. Sid reaches his gate just as the last of the passengers are loading and follows them down the jetway, glancing at his ticket for his seat assignment.
Sid assumes he’ll be sitting with Geno again on the way back but they’d never discussed the arrangement. League officials had arranged the travel details and emailed then to the players in advance. When he enters the first class compartment Sid sees a few familiar faces but no Geno. Sid finds his row and is surprised to see Alex sitting in the seat next to his. Well, he’s kind of in both seats. He’s left his bag on the empty seat next to him while he reads a magazine and sips a beer.
Alex seems as surprised as Sid is and quickly pulls his bag back into his own area. Sid puts his coat in the overhead compartment and tucks his carry-on under the seat in front. Then he sits down and stares straight ahead, conscious of all the players sitting in the seats around them. He can feel his face begin to flush with just the thought that someone might know.
When he glances at Alex he nods hello and Sid tips his head in reply. He takes the safety card out of the pocket and glances over it while they finish boarding. He bends down to get his water bottle out of his carry on and raps his forehead on the tray. This draws a guffaw from Ryan Kessler who’s sitting across the aisle from him. Sid gives the Canuck a sour look and arranges his water in the pocket where he likes it. He starts flipping through the In Flight magazine and tries to salvage his wounded pride.
After a couple minutes Sid feels a nudge on his arm. When he quickly glances at Alex he murmurs, “You want me to sit somewhere else?”
Sid shakes his head no but doesn’t look at him. He keeps his eyes forward and his hands folded in his lap.
“You need drink, Sid?” Alex asks quietly, nodding at the beer he’s holding. He cranes his neck, raising out of his seat slightly, looking for the flight attendant. “Here, I get you one if you want.”
“Sit down,” Sid hisses, still looking ahead.
“Just to relax,” Alex soothes. “Everyone getting them. For takeoff, I mean.”
“I said no,” Sid snaps at him, again conscious of the players surrounding them. Everyone seems to be reading or playing their video games though, no one is watching the two of them.
Alex settles back into his seat and looks away, his mouth tight.
Sid closes his eyes and sighs, sorry that he was so abrupt, knowing he’s being an asshole. He opens his eyes. Alex is leaning against the window, forehead pressed to it as he stares out at the runway, light and shadow playing across his face.
Alex sits back when they begin to taxi down the runway. Sid looks ahead as well and there is an almost imperceptible bump when they leave the ground. He shuts his eyes and the force pulls him back into his seat and the plane inclines. The flight crew start bustling around, getting drinks and preparing for a meal and Sid watches as Alex pulls out a pen and a crossword puzzle book from the seat pocket in front of him and stares at the page.
Sid watches as he writes something in the margin and then tilts the magazine so he can read it, nudges Sid gently to get his attention. It says, “Are you okay?”
He’s spelled it out because he knows phonetic abbreviations annoy Sid. Sid looks down at the page, nods curtly, and turns away. Alex takes the magazine back, hesitates, then writes, “Did I hurt you last night?”
Sid’s brows knit when he reads it, and he looks up sharply at Alex. His mouth starts open, but then he shuts it, shakes his head, looks away again. Alex scribbles out his note, rubbing hard to black out the words completely, his knuckles white with effort. He puts the magazine away and takes out his iPod, putting in his earphones and then looking out the window again.
Sid takes only water when the steward comes by and Alex just shakes his head no thanks when they ask him and then tilts his seat back and shuts his eyes. They don’t even give him a meal, thinking he is asleep, and Sid eats his own food although his stomach is churning and he can barely taste it. When he’s done and they’ve taken his tray, Sid plugs in his earphones and watches a movie.
The cabin crew finish up after the meal and dim the lights. Some passengers are trying to sleep while others read or watch movies. Sid glances across at Alex and sees his eyes are shut although he can hear music playing faintly through his iPhone. He wonders if he should take it from him and turn it off. Instead he accepts a blanket and pillow from the steward and smoothes it over himself and then as an afterthought drags it across Alex as well.
The other man doesn’t move, doesn’t stir, when Sid covers him. He must be asleep. Sid’s relieved. It means he doesn’t have to try to talk. He’s been sitting here, wanting to say something, but can’t think of a single word. He slides the arm up so that there’s nothing between the two of them and although he feels exposed, even though they are covered by blankets, he slides his leg closer so he can feel Alex against him. Sid glances across and sees Alex’s chest rising and falling slowly, breathing slowly and deeply, his eyes still shut.
Sid sits there, looking straight ahead, and slips his hand over towards where he knows Alex’s is resting on his lap. He finds a warm wrist and rests his palm against it, feeling his pulse point. He expects a slow steady rhythm as for someone who’s sleeping. Instead Sid inhales sharply in surprise. Alex’s heart is racing.
Sid pauses for a minute and then makes up his mind. He slips his hand a little farther and finds Alex’s hand, intertwining their fingers and giving them a squeeze. Sid watches Alex, he doesn’t open his eyes, but the corners of his lips lift slightly and he squeezes Sid’s hand back. It’s small and fragile but it’s what Sid needs, what they both need.
Slowly, Sid allows himself to relax, to lean slightly towards Alex, and Alex shifts a little, giving Sid somewhere to lean, to rest his head. Sid feels Alex put his other hand on top of both there’s and just leave it there, holding them together. The cabin is dark now, their bulk indistinct under the single blanket. Almost everyone has turned off their movies and reading lights. Sid falls asleep with his head resting on Alex’s shoulder.
The next morning Alex is already awake when Sid wakes up with drool running down the side of his face. He wakes disoriented, taking a moment to realize he’s on a plane. He comes to with a start and pulls himself upright, wiping the sleep from his eyes. Alex smiles at him softly and mouths, “Morning.”
Sid smiles at him but says nothing. In the light of day it’s more difficult. There are team mates all around them, waking up, walking up and down the aisle to the bathroom. Sid can smell breakfast being prepared in the galley and the cabin lights are coming back on. Alex gives his hand a last squeeze and then allows Sid to pull it back to his lap.
Sid starts to laugh when he notices the puddle of drool on Alex’s shoulder and the other man slaps him on the arm.
“Crosby,” he laughs, “Look at my shirt. Jesus. God.”
Some of the other players join in and they rib Sid about what an unattractive sleeper he is. He takes it in good stride. It’s not like Alex is much better. His hair is sticking out in all directions and his eyes are puffy. It does break the ice though and they chat casually while they eat breakfast, joking with the guys around them.
Afterwards they take turn squeezing into the bathroom, trying to wash up and smooth their hair down, make themselves presentable to disembark. It’s not very successful. They watch another movie while the plane approaches North America. Finally, the flight attendant puts her hand on Sid’s shoulder and tells him he needs to return his seat to the upright position and they descend into LA.
All too soon Sid they are on the ground and walking off the plane, up the jetway and into the terminal. And they are not alone anymore, and it’s not the place or time for talking. They are still with each other, next to each other, through customs and immigration they are still pretty much together, and Sid starts to feel anxious about coming to the end. Sid will be flying to Pittsburgh and Alex will be getting on a plane for Washington, DC. They need to find their gates.
He wonders what he could say to get Alex to stay with him longer, because he needs to talk to him. He wonders if Alex has time to maybe go get a coffee or maybe something else to eat before the next flight. Before he can come up with the right words they are in the concourse and Alex is, pulling out his next ticket, figuring out where he needs to go. It’s almost time to say goodbye.
It turns out their gates are in the same direction so they walk companionably down the hallway with their carry-ons. Sid reaches his gate first and he pulls up, preparing to say goodbye even though it’s the last thing he wants to do. He hears himself say the words and Alex nods at him, and says good bye too.
Alex turns to continue to his gate and Sid watches him take a step or two before he calls him. “Alex,” he says. It comes out in an embarrassing squeak and Sid has to clear his throat.
Alex stops and turns, and Sid crosses to him, tilts his head. He doesn’t know how to ask what he needs to know, but Alex is looking at him, waiting for him to speak.
“On the plane,” Sid starts, then falters. Closes his mouth, keeps looking at Alex who keeps looking back at him, and Sid wonders how long a moment can stretch before it snaps.
Then Alex is looking past him and Sid turns too, and sees a man approaching them along with his son. It looks like they’ve been recognized, or at least Sid has. The boy is grinning from ear to ear.
“Are you Sidney Crosby,” he asks and Sid has no choice but to smile back and saying, “Yes, I am.”
Alex smiles at Sid and shrugs and then his eyes slide away towards his gate and Sid knows he’s going to go; they aren’t going to have a chance to talk after all.
“Okay,” Alex says. “I see you Sid. Talk to you soon.”
Sid feels like his heart is breaking but all he can do is chat with the boy and sign his magazine and then those of a few other people who gather around him. When they are all done, when everyone has what they want, he sits at his gate and waits for his flight, thinking about Alex the whole time.
TBC