[i want to get better but i don't know how.]

[firelle]

i just want to get drunk and play truth or dare again. or simply "bottle kiss". it always felt so awesome, so stupid, so mischievous, so teenage. basically, i want to be younger again. full of hope and naive about the world, thinking i know everything and that the possibilities are out there for me to grasp. full of faith in the future and sheer excitement. where everything was painted with vivid colours, had intense smell, sounded wonderfully and was unexplored, untouched. when i walked around in the grass an looked ahead and couldn't stop smiling, people around me silent but understanding, entranced just like me. no words were needed, the world's taste on our tongues and its touch everywhere around us was exhilarating, so strong, so promising, so overwhelming.

but today i'm so not sure of anything around me anymore. i wish i could rewind. to be teenage again. these were really the best years of my life.

and now? i'm staring into nothing for hours. i don't feel like living, i don't feel like dying. i'm not excited or saddened by anything, i don't care about anything, i don't feel. even with my hobbies, my ships, i'm either indifferent or emotions are bland and washed out, like they should be there, they are there but they don't reach me and i can't bring myself to care enough to reach for them.

when my shrink asked me who i wanted to be in the future, what i wanted to do, i had no answer. it's so blank. and i just don't care.