[i can't finish editing this damn note.]
days until GLEE is back from summer's hiatus: 15
there is this series of badboy!blaine thing going on and, fuck, i want to be pursued by someone like that even if i'm not innocent like kurt there but hell, i want to be wanted, just for my body, i want to be wanted like a whore and fucked like a whore.
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can i please be uke? always lubricated, always stretched, never hurting and always coming just from the penetration. why can't i be uke.
i can't read yaoi anymore. i've always known that it's a fairytale, stupid and with no links to reality whatsoever but after digging slash for a year, after reading fanfics, watching movies, i can't take yaoi even humorously. yes, it's true, sex in fanfics still seems too good, fluids of any kind always seem delicious, there's no shit in your asshole when you rim someone, yeah. but even with all that, slash is super real compared to yaoi. i just CAN'T. besides i've started hating ukes long ago, especially those crying and weak ones (which is 99%), in slash it's more likely to find a strong bottom. yes, they do fall apart under the touch, yes, they beg but despite this they're strong, not "girly", not weak. i love power bottoms. i love bottom!kurt just please don't turn him into a damsel in distress for god's sake.
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plus whenever i see boy x boy or man x man i see klaine. obsessed much.
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klaine fics: college, passing time, changes = i'm scared
yet again i ache and am in pain because of the realisation of CHANGE. i think this is my scariest motif of all time. not even death shakes me this much anymore (oh well, it does but in a different way). i was reading some porno fic about glee, with blaine and kurt ten years later. and the usual realisation: they parted, moved on, aren't a group anymore. in other fics i came across a farewell party when they were graduating. i'm actually sobbing, fuck it. why did they (as in friends, not just kurt and blaine) separate? do they communicate? did they lose touch with each other? and so on. funny thing is, same situations occur in real life, mine is no different. i parted, found new people, parted with them. that's life. but it doesn't hurt somehow. yet it hurts when i read about it or watch it. maybe because i learn to love these people? i can't bear them not being together. it hurts. (same was with honey & clover and gazillion other titles)
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in this fic, kurt got nearly raped but still managed to get hard. this is what i think when i think about males and rape. poor creatures. and i tend to spend HOURS wondering about body, desire, hormones, pure biology. got, fanfics make me think about so much. for example, the portrayal of kurt as romantic, innocent, wanting feelings, affection and touch coming from love. not shying away from anything sexual but always demanding there to be feelings. yet blaine comes, as a bad boy, crude, focused on sex, wanting a simple fuck, coming onto kurt strong. and kurt surrenders, his body just wants. i remember myself, years back, when i couldn't help but desire a guy i found absolutely pitiful and detestable. but in the backseat o a car, starved for a touch, with raging hormones and needs? i didn't care. i WANTED. it's scary how powerful our body can be, how it can command us, go ahead and against what we THINK.
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and it's when i start to wonder how it is... to be raped. how it is to sell yourself. how it is to be treated like a tool and have sex with anyone that wants, like a trash. it's only then that there's something in me growing and i'm scared. so scared of myself. so, so scared.
there is this series of badboy!blaine thing going on and, fuck, i want to be pursued by someone like that even if i'm not innocent like kurt there but hell, i want to be wanted, just for my body, i want to be wanted like a whore and fucked like a whore.
----------------------------------------------
can i please be uke? always lubricated, always stretched, never hurting and always coming just from the penetration. why can't i be uke.
i can't read yaoi anymore. i've always known that it's a fairytale, stupid and with no links to reality whatsoever but after digging slash for a year, after reading fanfics, watching movies, i can't take yaoi even humorously. yes, it's true, sex in fanfics still seems too good, fluids of any kind always seem delicious, there's no shit in your asshole when you rim someone, yeah. but even with all that, slash is super real compared to yaoi. i just CAN'T. besides i've started hating ukes long ago, especially those crying and weak ones (which is 99%), in slash it's more likely to find a strong bottom. yes, they do fall apart under the touch, yes, they beg but despite this they're strong, not "girly", not weak. i love power bottoms. i love bottom!kurt just please don't turn him into a damsel in distress for god's sake.
----------------------------------------------
plus whenever i see boy x boy or man x man i see klaine. obsessed much.
----------------------------------------------
klaine fics: college, passing time, changes = i'm scared
yet again i ache and am in pain because of the realisation of CHANGE. i think this is my scariest motif of all time. not even death shakes me this much anymore (oh well, it does but in a different way). i was reading some porno fic about glee, with blaine and kurt ten years later. and the usual realisation: they parted, moved on, aren't a group anymore. in other fics i came across a farewell party when they were graduating. i'm actually sobbing, fuck it. why did they (as in friends, not just kurt and blaine) separate? do they communicate? did they lose touch with each other? and so on. funny thing is, same situations occur in real life, mine is no different. i parted, found new people, parted with them. that's life. but it doesn't hurt somehow. yet it hurts when i read about it or watch it. maybe because i learn to love these people? i can't bear them not being together. it hurts. (same was with honey & clover and gazillion other titles)
----------------------------------------------
in this fic, kurt got nearly raped but still managed to get hard. this is what i think when i think about males and rape. poor creatures. and i tend to spend HOURS wondering about body, desire, hormones, pure biology. got, fanfics make me think about so much. for example, the portrayal of kurt as romantic, innocent, wanting feelings, affection and touch coming from love. not shying away from anything sexual but always demanding there to be feelings. yet blaine comes, as a bad boy, crude, focused on sex, wanting a simple fuck, coming onto kurt strong. and kurt surrenders, his body just wants. i remember myself, years back, when i couldn't help but desire a guy i found absolutely pitiful and detestable. but in the backseat o a car, starved for a touch, with raging hormones and needs? i didn't care. i WANTED. it's scary how powerful our body can be, how it can command us, go ahead and against what we THINK.
----------------------------------------------
and it's when i start to wonder how it is... to be raped. how it is to sell yourself. how it is to be treated like a tool and have sex with anyone that wants, like a trash. it's only then that there's something in me growing and i'm scared. so scared of myself. so, so scared.