And Maybe Not
For a little while this weekend, I was thinking that maybe I had the hang of things, and perhaps I was on the right track. Then, I was reminded that no matter how much I do right, I am still only one mistake from sliding all the way back down to the bottom.
Everyone thinks that I'm some kind of conniving genius and that every move is calculated to achieve some end. As if because I have had the audacity to try to lead I can be held to some higher standard. Perhaps the great wealth and glory I have received for my efforts means that I owe some debt to the world.
Yeah, I do have a secret agenda. I will share it with you right now. My secret agenda is to shape things so that I no longer have to wonder who is out there saying what. I want to not have to wonder which of the people I think are friends are really trustworthy, and which are just being polite. I want to be able to look through a list of people I know and not have to think about which ones I shouldn't call because maybe they are upset at some mistake I made.
I want to not hear from someone that I care about that they are conflicted about liking me because so many others do not. I want to stop being haunted by every mistake I have ever made. I want to stop feeling like I am farther from happiness now than I ever was before.
There it is. That's the secret plan, revealed in a moment of weakness as I get up at the crack of dawn to spend another long, lonely day driving from one side of the state to another in a car with nothing to keep me company for two hours but gasoline fumes and the question of who I might have offended lately.
I'm not scheming for great power and control. It's bullshit and it's all worthless. Power has never been worth anything to me. The more I have acquired, the less friends I have had. Being in charge of things has cost me more friends than you can possibly imagine. Yeah, I've screwed up some times. I've screwed up a lot of times, but I've only been in position to screw up because I was trying to do something. Something to make a difference.
I'm not some fucking genius, carefully weighing each move for it's maximum effect on my master plan for domination. About the only thing I can dominate is an 8 pound puppy. I do what I do because I think that maybe I can do something important and make things better for people, and sometimes I do. I don't need credit or parades in my honor, but maybe if people could stop being suspicious and thinking that I was secretly out to steal their souls for my efforts.
I don't work for great glory. I don't start new projects and events because I think they will make me rich or popular. I start them because if I don't I feel like I am a waste of space. I can't be just some guy who comes home from work and watches TV. I need to do something that matters to someone, because, otherwise, what's the point? If I'm not working on something I get depressed, literally depressed. That's why I'm always on the move. Not to get ahead, but to keep from getting behind.
You want my great empire that I've built over almost a decade of hard effort? Take it. It's yours. It's $40,000 of personal debt, an unknown circle of detractors, and a resume of achievements that I'd be hard pressed to find references to support. As an added bonus, you can also have sleeping alone every night and wondering which of your friends really actually like you and which are just being polite.
I can see why so many people are so jealous of me.
I'm down. I'm out. You've gotten me down from every position of authority where I can break anything. I'm sorry that losing everything I cared about over the course of a year means that sometimes I lose my temper or say things that I should not say in public. I'll try to do better. Clearly, I must make proper amends for all the blessing that have been bestowed on me.
Everyone thinks that I'm some kind of conniving genius and that every move is calculated to achieve some end. As if because I have had the audacity to try to lead I can be held to some higher standard. Perhaps the great wealth and glory I have received for my efforts means that I owe some debt to the world.
Yeah, I do have a secret agenda. I will share it with you right now. My secret agenda is to shape things so that I no longer have to wonder who is out there saying what. I want to not have to wonder which of the people I think are friends are really trustworthy, and which are just being polite. I want to be able to look through a list of people I know and not have to think about which ones I shouldn't call because maybe they are upset at some mistake I made.
I want to not hear from someone that I care about that they are conflicted about liking me because so many others do not. I want to stop being haunted by every mistake I have ever made. I want to stop feeling like I am farther from happiness now than I ever was before.
There it is. That's the secret plan, revealed in a moment of weakness as I get up at the crack of dawn to spend another long, lonely day driving from one side of the state to another in a car with nothing to keep me company for two hours but gasoline fumes and the question of who I might have offended lately.
I'm not scheming for great power and control. It's bullshit and it's all worthless. Power has never been worth anything to me. The more I have acquired, the less friends I have had. Being in charge of things has cost me more friends than you can possibly imagine. Yeah, I've screwed up some times. I've screwed up a lot of times, but I've only been in position to screw up because I was trying to do something. Something to make a difference.
I'm not some fucking genius, carefully weighing each move for it's maximum effect on my master plan for domination. About the only thing I can dominate is an 8 pound puppy. I do what I do because I think that maybe I can do something important and make things better for people, and sometimes I do. I don't need credit or parades in my honor, but maybe if people could stop being suspicious and thinking that I was secretly out to steal their souls for my efforts.
I don't work for great glory. I don't start new projects and events because I think they will make me rich or popular. I start them because if I don't I feel like I am a waste of space. I can't be just some guy who comes home from work and watches TV. I need to do something that matters to someone, because, otherwise, what's the point? If I'm not working on something I get depressed, literally depressed. That's why I'm always on the move. Not to get ahead, but to keep from getting behind.
You want my great empire that I've built over almost a decade of hard effort? Take it. It's yours. It's $40,000 of personal debt, an unknown circle of detractors, and a resume of achievements that I'd be hard pressed to find references to support. As an added bonus, you can also have sleeping alone every night and wondering which of your friends really actually like you and which are just being polite.
I can see why so many people are so jealous of me.
I'm down. I'm out. You've gotten me down from every position of authority where I can break anything. I'm sorry that losing everything I cared about over the course of a year means that sometimes I lose my temper or say things that I should not say in public. I'll try to do better. Clearly, I must make proper amends for all the blessing that have been bestowed on me.