time to think.
i love my job. truly, i do. days like today are what make it wonderful and frustrating at the same time.
i'm sitting in an awesome base with very cool people, miles and miles from home. weather just plain sucks, so we haven't taken any flights today. that makes for a long long day. nap, eat, attempt to experience the curvature of the internet planet. a phone call here....a text message there. it's been an experiment in self-entertainment which is failing marginally. then i remember..."i'm getting paid for this." yes...i love my job.
if there's one thing i could have done without today, it's time to think. that's dangerous for me right now. lately i'd prefer to be ass-numbingly busy rather than mind-numbingly bored. time is bad. i find myself chewing over things that i should be ignoring. the thoughts pinging in my brain are not good for my mental state. the divorce and move alone are enough to make me want to dig my brains out with a spoon. the last thing i need is to be preoccupied with what i think ought to be my future.
i think about this man. he has captivated me, body and soul. each exposure is another leap into pure love. his brain, his face, his eyes. everything about him has enchanted me. the next logical step would be to pick up the foot that's currently standing on "he's awesome...i love him" and step into "i trust him". fuck.
there are things about his past that bounce in and out of my empty head like superballs. you know...once you throw one of those fuckers hard against a wall in a big enough room, good luck getting it stopped. you'll be chasing it for 20 minutes. that's what's going on in my brain. i'm thinking about his ex-girlfriend. she is in no position to pose a threat to me, for one shitty reason. she died almost 2 months ago. 2 months. is that enough? is there some kind of formula that can be applied here? X= (time involved)/(time apart). how is it that i find myself threatened by a ghost? is that even possible??
then there's the one he might have had. the one he was interested in before i storm-troopered my way into his life. what if? what if i hadn't approached him that night? would he be with her? would he be happier? what if?
"what if" sucks. one thing that makes me absolutely insane is doubt. another is insecurity. right now i'm bound by both. i am comparing myself to a ghost and a possibility. what the fuck happened there? i've never been one to look at other women and feel jealousy or insecurity. why start now? what is it about this situation, about this man, that makes me doubt my ability to capture and keep someone's attention? apparently, he's interested, or we wouldn't have gotten this far. he'd have bailed after the first experience, saying "thanks...that was awesome. see ya...bye." but he didn't. in so many words, he made an appointment to come back. he appears to be a satisfied customer. so why am i questioning this? why do i wish i could have a glimpse into his heart or his brain? perhaps i might not like what i find in there...or i might be completely relieved of all doubt. either way, i'd know.
what it boils down to is this...i'm a bundle of insecurity. "i'm too old". "i don't have the body i did when i was 25". "i'm not artistically competitive". i've filled my head with mantras of self-doubt and i think it's due to one thing. this is real. i am scared of losing him. i want this so badly that i'm churning thoughts in my head about what could go wrong. i need to focus on what already has gone well. we've clicked. physically, emotionally, artistically....sarcastically. he's perfect for me. we fit so well...in so many different ways. i can picture a long life with this man. that's to where i need to turn my brain.
trust him. put my heart into his hand and trust that he won't squash it. trust. that's a godly act feebly executed by humanly beings.
so for the rest of this shift (12 more hours....aw sweet JESUS) i will enjoy the company around me, instead of wonder what's he's doing. in the AM i head down the road to yet another hotel to see him again. a Wrangler leaves Hagerstown travelling 85 mph. an Altima leaves VA Beach travelling 90 mph....
where will our paths intersect? somewhere in the future. that's a wondrous thing. try to enjoy it, huh?