we make plans and God laughs.
never have i been more convinced that i have no idea what is best for me. my mother always said, "we make plans and God laughs". yeah. He's laughing because he thinks it's cute when we try to run our own lives. kinda like how a parent thinks it's cute when their 3-year-old sits behind the wheel of the family truckster.
lately, my decision-making skills have been called into question. rarely at work. but on the interpersonal level, apparently i suck at life. this does not come as a shock to me...i know i suck. i have never been one to make stellar decisions regarding love and people. i'm just not qualified to operate my heart. i don't know if i missed a class or an update somewhere...but if love were as easy as ACLS i'd be good to go.
once again, i'm standing on the edge of something that could be wonderful but could be horrifying. if my mother were aware of exactly what's going on, i'd get one of those lectures. you know...the kind that starts out with her calling you by your entire fucking name.
"Angela Mia, what in God's name are you thinking? Have you truly examined this situation? Are you thinking about what is best for you? Are you stumbling headlong into a situation without analyzing it first?"
yes i can lay out the whole discussion for you because i've had it a thousand times. i know my mom. well. and she knows me. she knows where my buttons are and how to push them...mainly because she put them there. she only wants what is best for her baby. what she can't seem to recall time after time is that i will always need to make my own mistakes from which to learn. there are others in my life who are pulling me back into reality just to make sure i'm not fucking my life up irreparably. but no once can really do that like my mommy.
there are some that i am more than willing to let someone else make 'em first. those are usually work-related. you took an aircraft outta service without notifying the base site coordinator? OK...not gonna do that. gave drugs not on our approved list without calling command?? yep put that on the list, too.
when it comes to matters of the heart, i'm usually less willing to learn by example instead of by mistake. i don't know why, but i need to feel it to absorb it. consequently, i have more scar tissue on my heart than the average CABG patient. like i always say...nothing is stronger than scar tissue. it's proof that i really lived.
i stand on the threshold of what will be either my sweetest endeavour or my next crushing defeat. either way, i can't wait to jump in. i really cannot wait.
beauty and pain are so closely tied. you can't seem to have one without the other. how can you know love without loss? how can you see art without recognizing its deficit? how do you know pleasure without experiencing pain? life is series of contrasts, and that is what makes it LIVING instead of SURVIVING.
what is in front of me is exquisite. perfect. mystical. poignant. blissful. God there aren't enough synonyms in a thesaurus to describe what i've experienced in the last 3 weeks. 3 fucking weeks and my world has been significantly rocked to the point that i am consumed with passion and affection for this man. how it happened is a mystery to us both, but we're diggin' it. and we're going to ride it for as long as that train will run.
i had forgotten how beautiful this can be. the way my heart pounds a few times in my chest when he calls. the sound of his voice on the radio...even if he's talking to ME9 instead of me. the smell of his skin on mine hours after he's gone. the way he looks at me as if the world just melted around us and i'm all he can see. how his brain turns me on as much as his body. his laugh..GOD i could wrap myself in his laugh. i can't help but smile a little harder when i hear him laugh. the way his eyes shine when he watches me talk about my work. the tone of his voice when he's whispering in my ear. damn...it's awesome.
i know it's just beginning, and that is always the best part. the first twinges of love...the first dawning of the realization that it's really happening. nothing ever matches the glory of the first stages of love. unfortunately, that's usually half the problem. once the shine wears off, with what are you left?
for the first time in 39 years on the planet, i believe with all that i am that once that glint of brilliance is faded we will be left with a strong, sweet, comfortable passion. there is so much to us than just the physical and the initial POW of affection. there is deep compatability. intellectual equals. artistic companions. wackers at heart. love of work and life and art and music and animals and....and it goes on and on. i have no reference for this. i have never experienced it, let alone even dreamed that it could be possible. i always figured i'd have to settle. have to compromise. sacrifice your artistic passion for love. give up your dreams for love. say you'll never travel again...for love.
well here's the lightning bolt, folks. when it's real...you don't have to give up anything for it.
wow. that hits me like a brick between the eyes. me...the queen of never compromising. i gave up what i am for what i had. now i'm not even considering any sacrifice...mostly because it simply isn't required. it hasn't been requested and i don't think it ever will be. that alone is a beautiful thing.
yes, it's out there. it's real. it won't always come when you expect it or want it. you can't plan for it. you definitely can't go looking for it. it comes when you've resigned itself to never fucking finding it ever.
so when all the doors are closed, start looking for a window. it'll open on its own...you won't need to force it. in my case...it slid right open when i wasn't looking. on the other side was standing the most perfect specimen of love i could have ever asked for. wow.
who knows what the future holds. i have a nice deck of Tarot cards, but i'm not even asking. i don't want to know. i just want to enjoy it. whether it lasts 3 months or 40 years, i'm going to enjoy every minute of it.
to quote The Immortal Bard..."So long as I can breathe or I can see, so long lives your love which gives life to me."
thank you for making me love. thank you for loving me. just....thank you.