well that's that.
after struggling with my conscious, my ego, and my heart, i finally made the hardest decision i've ever made.
i want out of my marriage. god i can't believe i can say that.
i'm tired of being sad. i'm tired of feeling guilty for who i am. i'm tired of apologizing for my career. i'm tired of being intellectually and artistically dead and alone. i'm just fucking tired. period.
so i sat him down and told him. he's not shocked, since things have sucked here for a while. but he is saddened. actually so am i. the fucked-up part is that i don't know if i feel bad for hurting him or if i'm just pissed that i FAILED at something.
we cried together, and admitted defeat. but we also admitted that we had a great run, and had some good times. now we go about the business of dividing our lives and moving on. i'm a few steps ahead in that aspect.
i have found a soft place to land. a collection of somethings and someones to which i can run for comfort. i have fantastic friends who love me and whom i know will be supportive and be present for whatever disastrous emotion i may display. they are black pearls to me....precious, rare, and priceless. Shane, Terra, Tim, Stephen. i love you all so much it hurts me sometimes. thank you for being my net.
so onto the task at hand. repair. change. push onward.
adapt, improvise, overcome. that's the baseline of emergency medicine. so now i do what i do best....survive.
i want out of my marriage. god i can't believe i can say that.
i'm tired of being sad. i'm tired of feeling guilty for who i am. i'm tired of apologizing for my career. i'm tired of being intellectually and artistically dead and alone. i'm just fucking tired. period.
so i sat him down and told him. he's not shocked, since things have sucked here for a while. but he is saddened. actually so am i. the fucked-up part is that i don't know if i feel bad for hurting him or if i'm just pissed that i FAILED at something.
we cried together, and admitted defeat. but we also admitted that we had a great run, and had some good times. now we go about the business of dividing our lives and moving on. i'm a few steps ahead in that aspect.
i have found a soft place to land. a collection of somethings and someones to which i can run for comfort. i have fantastic friends who love me and whom i know will be supportive and be present for whatever disastrous emotion i may display. they are black pearls to me....precious, rare, and priceless. Shane, Terra, Tim, Stephen. i love you all so much it hurts me sometimes. thank you for being my net.
so onto the task at hand. repair. change. push onward.
adapt, improvise, overcome. that's the baseline of emergency medicine. so now i do what i do best....survive.