First post in a long time... Crush/ Lots of health real life stuff *part one*
I had a post I was writing orginally, but I never finished ill put it at the bottom of this. Im going to try and force myself to write this all in one day otherwise it seems as though I will not finish it. Ill try to keep all the depressing sorta stuff towards the bottom.. at least.... Ill try to leave the exact "focus" for later on maybe I should say...
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Well for a definite break of the norm in posting, and in life.. I sorta.. Or no well I most definitely confessed to a girl for the first time recently. Actually you could even say it in a way was the first time ive ever actually even went and talked to a girl since ive been an adult? And that is not a lie. I guess there was that one time I saw a girl when I worked at Kroger that I thought was good looking and I intiated the conversation with her, which of course I think I wrote about in "The Kroger Days" it didnt go to well, as well I didn't know WTF I was doing I just remember she had short blonde cool looking hair and im sucker for it, plus I think it was around the time I was a model and remember when I worked at Kroger I had even the customers follow me around. I suppose you could say its a extravagent luxury maybe to some dudes to never have to talk to a girl as even "LD"(at least I think thats the name I gave her in those stories)first came up to me, and she was obviously a very attractive girl. But I myself have never had to go and talk to girls...
You could say for many reasons,...
1. I generally am not attacted to girls, or perhaps I should say it takes a lot for me to be attracted to girls.
2. Of course I distrust women. This of obviously stems from my mother, and then just people in general after this whole debacule with my doctors getting me sick, dying and what not. I guess ive just seen how terrible people can be.
3. Im pretty shy, and have low self worse/confidence. Even now still having random girls that apparently stalk me, being told I should model again whatever.. Sometimes the posion is to deep I guess. Always being told how ugly and worthless you are for years.. its just something that never goes away. Its hard to because I hold myself to such high moral standards, I always feel its wrong to want anything beacuse of looks or get anything for looks. It just doesnt feel right. I feel like personality is what matters I guess.... Obviously this whole situation is pretty shitty as its a constant struggle back and forth. Like if your not attracted to somehow then why even get to know them? Hard to explain I guess... Im sure ive talked about a lot of this before as I recall making a specific post about why I am the way I am with girls before as people dont seem to understand it.
Anyway lets stop there..
So theres this one girl ive seen at Kroger now for hrmm I dunno I feel like she has worked there probably 3-4 years? Maybe? I dont really know lol. Its been awhile... So I have NEEEEEEEEEEEEEVER EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEVER talked to this girl. Even though this whole time she has been the best looking girl at Kroger. Also of course there basically is 0% creeper in me, so ive never even have like tried or made excuses to go shop around her to try to somehow "accidently" or whatever fall into a conversation with her. As a matter to attest to just how badly I suck at creeping to the point of I must be gay or something continue on...
So around 2 years ago? Maybe? I know she had worked there for awhile I was randomly talking to Staysha and Alberta(I think I gave them diff names in the Kroger Days post, but I guess I just dont give a fuck anymore lol)and I sorta admited I had a crush on her. Alberta is the girl that was constantly trying to get with girls she knew and was the girl that wanted me to go out with her daughter who was in that unfortuante accident which still to this day I feel like is partly my fault. Anyway so she was doing her usual this new girl at Kroger was asking about you, this girl wnats to meet you yadda yadda.... So I was my usual "...sigh thats good... *sulk*" kinda thing as im pretty ambivelient to this stuff I guess, and so she must have been looking especially cute that day or something so I sorta got insecure(?) for a lack of a better word and was like "...well... *low voice* what about that apple girl has she said anything ever.....*ahem cough*" She was like "Who?... "apple girl" (ok she said her name but lets just call her umm AG now lol)?" I was like if thats that girl over there *pointing* She said something that I dont recall exactly but ill assume it was something like oh I think you could get with her. I whimpered as I usually do when people compliment me and shrug it off.
Its very possible that Staysha may have told me her name a bit before hand as well but im pretty fuzzy and this is the conversation I remember about hearing her name. So basically we have established already that although I have girls follow me around etc still to this day the girl I have a crush on it took me what 2 years or something to even find out her name? -______-;; Yes I know I suck...
Of course this sorta set it off though as now I had admitted to myself that I found this girl attractive for sure. Which made it worse.
Hrmm if I had to explain her I think it would be hard. I dont think she is the type of girl that people normally accuse me of likeing. Normally I tend to get things like I only like 9s, and 9s dont have my kinda personality. In general I get that sorta thought a lot. That im out of most peoples leagues, but once you get to my level no one has that(I guess when I say "that" I should say in a way beta male sorta vibe? As a matter of fact the only time ive ever heard that I can be mean is when im around a doctor. Which then I dont think thats mean since I have no respect for them and never will. And I dont think the way I treat my doctors can be considered mean, but I guess its something other people dont understand.)sorta personality I have so its a bad combo. Because girls I like dont need to come up to me. Granted I guess you could say at the same time I guess you could say I constantly get shit for turning down "hot" girls whatever. And maybe even so in some circumstance there are some girls that come up to me that I do find attractive, as in case "LD" but in these situtations im usually sorta... dumbfounded lol.
But back to her I guess. Im gonna make this complicated but hey I get a lot of girls ive seen my fair share of girls so I guess I over analyze. I myself personally dont really think about girls in terms of numbers or something cliche like that gets used. Again I think I may have talked about this in the girl post however long ago that was. But I think about girls sorta in terms of their "character".. Another reason I try to avoid girls, I always feel like im to selfish to have a girlfriend. As it sounds stupid but I guess I watching to many cartoons/movies/video games whatever posioned me. And that thought of being in love with someone and only "seeing" this is stained in me. So its always like ill feel like the bad guy if I had a girlfriend and I ever dared to think that someone else was attractive. Silly to some im sure.. But obviously I have stuck by these morals my entire life..... Not happly neccesarly but lol... Anyway so for "character" I mean that in like...you have your Hot girl, say your slutty girl, or your nerd girl, or your cute girl, or your beautiful girl. I guess in that way you could say I dont think anyone is perfect and thats what makes people perfect to me. Like when I see girls I think of them sorta like that. Like that girl has "THAT" attribute about her that she does better than other people. And that makes her attractive I think. Meh maybe at some level everyone does this, but perhaps me more so.. Say again for someone I use as a example "LD" to me was more of a hot girl, rather than a cute girl. But at the same time I have seen her look cute too so that to me was intresting. And of course she had a fantastic face and I am deff a face dude.
For Apple girl(lol argh... that sounds so silly but anyway..)she is actually pretty plain and simple looking. Again I know when one of my friends saw her he was pretty suprised and basically told me I was out of her league and she should be for free for someone like me... but.. I digress... She has a fresh pretty looking face, and again im a face dude. Its the most important thing to me. And her hair is a intresting color to me and the way it falls in her face(,.,........... lol argh... that was hard to even type).. I dunno she just looks really fucking cute to me. And she doesnt look like she tries hard at all, but she is more naturally attractive then other people? Who knows maybe she does try hard.. But whatever. Some people say I look like I try but obviously thats not the case as I go out completely fucked up out of my mind all the time. I certainly care though lol. Anywho....
So yea I basically admitted to myself that I have a crush on this girl that ive never talked to in the 2 years or whatever it was that shes worked there. Yea im lame. Of course I have my reasons so I try not to get to down about it.
So about a year goes by(again im really iffy on time frames as well on some level its kinda whatever to me at the end of the day......)maybe and whatever I think by this point whenever I talk to Staysha(as she is the main person I talk to at Kroger.. in a way you could actaully probably say Staysha is probably the girl i talk to the most in my life maybe... *rubs chin* its pretty obvious that im dropping Apple Girl bombs during the conversation and its painfully obvious that I have a stupid crush on this girl. To be honest again even at this point writing this journal I really dont know much about her. Maybe better that way... .If anything ive joked about that Staysha should tell me some bad things about her so I dont have to have a crush on her. But in general I just get that she is nice but shy or something. I should say actually I have heard one bad thing about her. There is another girl that knows I like her and was more or less like "what.. shes the one you like? She is dirty and a ho.. why do you like her of all people?" lol Meh... I try not to think about that comment...
-_______-.... Of course even if its true in a way it makes it worse doesnt it. That I get all these girls but when I like a girl she is a dirty ho, and yet then I cant get with her? If that idea makes sense... Moving on...
Back to the shy part. This comes up in one paticular circumstance as supposedly at one point Staysha tells me that she told her that something like "theres this guy that everyones asks him if hes a model when he comes in on sundays you should say Hi to him"... Yes its as corny as it sounds.. Of course im embarressed by the prospect of this but at the same time again I have a crush on this girl so part of me isnt against it. At the same time.. Im sorta like "Oh shit N*gga what are you doing* mode as im like.. Ok a guy that comes in on sundays and everyone asks him if hes a model.. How can she NOT know its me. I get this stuff constantly. Need I mention as well that almost every girl that has EVER worked at Kroger has come up to me at some point or another. Except her basically....
Whatever the case nothing happens with this. I try to tell myself theres no way she couldnt have known its me.. So Ill assume Staysha was just trying to get me to stop being a bitch and trick me into talking to her. Though saying that im still confused that Alberta of all people would have not have said anything to her ethier as she was always trying to hook me up everytime she saw me.
I run into quite a number of instances where one could say I EASILY had a chance to talk to her. Like I was getting apples and she was putting out apples and I much like the idoit I am even TURNED my back to turn and tried to still pick up the apples with out looking at her *face palm*... Or when we were both down a asile togther... Again though I ethier in a way try to avoid her or cant talk to her.
Well come maybe a month or so ago I finally talked to her for the first time. I asked her for some letteuce.. OK wait I guess this doesnt count. But basically I was going to get lettuce there was none there. So I decided to go do the rest of my shopping and then after I was done id go back and see if she had put it out there yet. YES I know I could have asked her while I was already down that asile. But I think we have already established how terrible I am.
OK so that goes.. how it goes.. lol
OK now the week or 2 after that I legitamently tried to talk to her. I have a pretty good reason too as well. I wont even use the word excuse as I have asked other girls as well. More Recently out of boredum I have bought a number of colognes just for a sorta "hobby" to do...Which maybe ill talk about that later. So I have talked to random girls asking them what kinda cologne they like etc. Argh.. lol if you could only see how hard this is to type right now...
So of course I see her only and im like ok FUCK IT. Im going to ask her about cologne if she likes anything. This is a legitament question! Ive already asked tons of girls and even guys. I am not hitting on her. Yes yes.. I tell myself.. Well.. I procrastante and hesitate and she moves away. lol So I say fuck, thankfully she is turned around so now she cant seem me actually NOW almost forcing myself into a conversation even worse............
.....
Argh so hard to type...
Well I go up to her and its extremely forced at least.. Thinking and typeing it now... I can even see the stupid face I give and its not natural... This is perfect example of how much easier it is when girls just come to me to talk and I dont give a fuck about them and they eat up whatever I say. Anyway I asked her if she likes any kinda cologne on dudes whatever. And she tells me that she actually doesnt know much about cologne but she tells me I smell good.........
...OK although I had thought this conversation through slightly.. this answer did not come up. I have no idea wtf to say. I think I say something stupid like "uhhh...durrrrr......well thats cool"(that most likely with out the uhh and durrrrrr lol)she asks me what it is. I tell her... A very LONG awkard maybe 3~5 seconds max.. And I just give myself a huge FUCK in my head.. And say "well that was my excuse to talk to you" And i walk away and she laughed.
Argh.....................
That... didnt go to well. But now I have to say something. In the years that she has worked there I havnt said anything to, and now ive seen her up close and her face really is fucking cute. So now im crushing hard on this girl that I really have no idea about.. Other than she is a nice shy dirty ho. lol Moving on....
So I tell myself... I just have to say it. I cant hold it in any longer I dont care.
What brought me to this point?
Well..... At the end of the day selfishness I guess in a way you could say. Things have been very frustrating lately. It sucks to even talk about... one of the reasons I dont even care to keep a journal anymore. As I said before ive constantly day by day recently have been living through the worst period in my life. And this is a long period right now. Its also been frustrating because although ive been more or less housebound now for the past 6 months since this fucking flu shot fiasco(which I will get to later on)I still have been getting asked out a lot for some reason. Which of course im barely ever out of the house, yet I have girls asking me out on the internet or through friends all this kinda crap or the random chance im out....
Its very frustrating... And here I am, and I can never talk to this girl once that ive had a crush on now. Also as well because health has been bad.. Ive been feeling the "now or never" sorta vibe a lot.
Well so a week or 2 ago whatever it was. I see her and I tell myself to say something to her. I just have to get it out... I walk by her.. FUCK..... And I seriously stopped for probably 5 seconds too. And I just couldnt go up to her and say it...
So the next time I go to Kroger I pysche myself up. I tell myself what I am going to say and try to go over whatever "answers" I say to her.. umm "answers" I psyche myself up for this so much I realize when I go into the store I forget my shit in the car to even go shopping with, but thats besides the point. Anyway I go up to her and I completely forget what im going to say and basically say something like "Apple girl, I know that conversation was forced last week but I just couldnt go another year with out saying I didnt try to talk to the hottest girl at Kroger. I had to tell you, your beautiful at least once." Im not sure how to describe her facial expression. But I think it was a "WTF" sorta face. She says "thank you" or something lol. I ask her this cant be the first time she has heard that I had a crush on her.. there just cant be anyway.. Not with how many girls I get. Im sure she had to have known.. I ask her if alberta told her. She doesnt seem to remember her but I guess its been awhile.(Alberta actually ended up getting fired from Kroger.. I should probably go back and edit up the Kroger days entry *rubs chin*) anyway she says thanks again and I walk away...... One of the guys at Kroger comes up to me and asks how im doing randomly that has never talked to me before... he knows I just made a huge fool of myself. I won't make him wait for it, and I tell him as much and walk away. I realize 2 things though.... I just walked up to this girl and didnt even tell her my name on the off chance she actually doesnt know who I am.. And 2.. I forgot to bring in water to fill etc when I left my car since I was so focused on this fact of making a fool of myself. Oh well this will give me a chance to tell her my name since now I have to leave the store and come back.
So I come back with my water bottle and I go up to her again and tell her I forgot to say my name.. im so and so... And im like so seriously no one ever told you I had a crush on you? Not even Staysha?
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She tells me no and that Staysha did in fact tell her that I liked her so many months ago............
I let out a groan and say fuck me or something. And she says no its ok.. and I walk away. lol
argh....
Well... Thats basically where I am now. I have not had that awkward seeing her again since then. I talked to Staysha and I gave her a grumble half serious half not I hate you sorta talk. She had been telling me constnatly that she didnt know I liked her. But obviously that is not the case. She tried to encourage me and said maybe now this will get things rolling or something but meh..... I feel like a huge idoit. I should say I do feel relived in a way. As.... I wanted to say it. Ive wanted to say it for a long time. Plus I personally(and again I know ive said it multiple times now) am a face dude. And there are not many girls I can legitmanetly say they are beautiful to there face and mean it. And to me that is the ultimate compliment as well... Im a pretty frank/blunt/honest dude whatever. I dont say things I dont mean. So shrug..... Its funny I guess... I suppose thats the first time ive ever said that to a girl. I never even told "LD" I liked her when I was younger. Meh..... Maybe its more sad then "funny". But again I guess for my own selfish reason part of me has always wanted to say that, and again I wouldnt say it if I didnt mean it.. so....
Sigh..... fuck me eh?
I guess at the end of the day I didnt expect much..or anything at all. I didnt say it to get with her, or to ask her out. I just wanted to say it. Meh.... Maybe I can say that because of what a pessimist I am. As usual I think the thought is better than reality so I try not to think to much.
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Well for a definite break of the norm in posting, and in life.. I sorta.. Or no well I most definitely confessed to a girl for the first time recently. Actually you could even say it in a way was the first time ive ever actually even went and talked to a girl since ive been an adult? And that is not a lie. I guess there was that one time I saw a girl when I worked at Kroger that I thought was good looking and I intiated the conversation with her, which of course I think I wrote about in "The Kroger Days" it didnt go to well, as well I didn't know WTF I was doing I just remember she had short blonde cool looking hair and im sucker for it, plus I think it was around the time I was a model and remember when I worked at Kroger I had even the customers follow me around. I suppose you could say its a extravagent luxury maybe to some dudes to never have to talk to a girl as even "LD"(at least I think thats the name I gave her in those stories)first came up to me, and she was obviously a very attractive girl. But I myself have never had to go and talk to girls...
You could say for many reasons,...
1. I generally am not attacted to girls, or perhaps I should say it takes a lot for me to be attracted to girls.
2. Of course I distrust women. This of obviously stems from my mother, and then just people in general after this whole debacule with my doctors getting me sick, dying and what not. I guess ive just seen how terrible people can be.
3. Im pretty shy, and have low self worse/confidence. Even now still having random girls that apparently stalk me, being told I should model again whatever.. Sometimes the posion is to deep I guess. Always being told how ugly and worthless you are for years.. its just something that never goes away. Its hard to because I hold myself to such high moral standards, I always feel its wrong to want anything beacuse of looks or get anything for looks. It just doesnt feel right. I feel like personality is what matters I guess.... Obviously this whole situation is pretty shitty as its a constant struggle back and forth. Like if your not attracted to somehow then why even get to know them? Hard to explain I guess... Im sure ive talked about a lot of this before as I recall making a specific post about why I am the way I am with girls before as people dont seem to understand it.
Anyway lets stop there..
So theres this one girl ive seen at Kroger now for hrmm I dunno I feel like she has worked there probably 3-4 years? Maybe? I dont really know lol. Its been awhile... So I have NEEEEEEEEEEEEEVER EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEVER talked to this girl. Even though this whole time she has been the best looking girl at Kroger. Also of course there basically is 0% creeper in me, so ive never even have like tried or made excuses to go shop around her to try to somehow "accidently" or whatever fall into a conversation with her. As a matter to attest to just how badly I suck at creeping to the point of I must be gay or something continue on...
So around 2 years ago? Maybe? I know she had worked there for awhile I was randomly talking to Staysha and Alberta(I think I gave them diff names in the Kroger Days post, but I guess I just dont give a fuck anymore lol)and I sorta admited I had a crush on her. Alberta is the girl that was constantly trying to get with girls she knew and was the girl that wanted me to go out with her daughter who was in that unfortuante accident which still to this day I feel like is partly my fault. Anyway so she was doing her usual this new girl at Kroger was asking about you, this girl wnats to meet you yadda yadda.... So I was my usual "...sigh thats good... *sulk*" kinda thing as im pretty ambivelient to this stuff I guess, and so she must have been looking especially cute that day or something so I sorta got insecure(?) for a lack of a better word and was like "...well... *low voice* what about that apple girl has she said anything ever.....*ahem cough*" She was like "Who?... "apple girl" (ok she said her name but lets just call her umm AG now lol)?" I was like if thats that girl over there *pointing* She said something that I dont recall exactly but ill assume it was something like oh I think you could get with her. I whimpered as I usually do when people compliment me and shrug it off.
Its very possible that Staysha may have told me her name a bit before hand as well but im pretty fuzzy and this is the conversation I remember about hearing her name. So basically we have established already that although I have girls follow me around etc still to this day the girl I have a crush on it took me what 2 years or something to even find out her name? -______-;; Yes I know I suck...
Of course this sorta set it off though as now I had admitted to myself that I found this girl attractive for sure. Which made it worse.
Hrmm if I had to explain her I think it would be hard. I dont think she is the type of girl that people normally accuse me of likeing. Normally I tend to get things like I only like 9s, and 9s dont have my kinda personality. In general I get that sorta thought a lot. That im out of most peoples leagues, but once you get to my level no one has that(I guess when I say "that" I should say in a way beta male sorta vibe? As a matter of fact the only time ive ever heard that I can be mean is when im around a doctor. Which then I dont think thats mean since I have no respect for them and never will. And I dont think the way I treat my doctors can be considered mean, but I guess its something other people dont understand.)sorta personality I have so its a bad combo. Because girls I like dont need to come up to me. Granted I guess you could say at the same time I guess you could say I constantly get shit for turning down "hot" girls whatever. And maybe even so in some circumstance there are some girls that come up to me that I do find attractive, as in case "LD" but in these situtations im usually sorta... dumbfounded lol.
But back to her I guess. Im gonna make this complicated but hey I get a lot of girls ive seen my fair share of girls so I guess I over analyze. I myself personally dont really think about girls in terms of numbers or something cliche like that gets used. Again I think I may have talked about this in the girl post however long ago that was. But I think about girls sorta in terms of their "character".. Another reason I try to avoid girls, I always feel like im to selfish to have a girlfriend. As it sounds stupid but I guess I watching to many cartoons/movies/video games whatever posioned me. And that thought of being in love with someone and only "seeing" this is stained in me. So its always like ill feel like the bad guy if I had a girlfriend and I ever dared to think that someone else was attractive. Silly to some im sure.. But obviously I have stuck by these morals my entire life..... Not happly neccesarly but lol... Anyway so for "character" I mean that in like...you have your Hot girl, say your slutty girl, or your nerd girl, or your cute girl, or your beautiful girl. I guess in that way you could say I dont think anyone is perfect and thats what makes people perfect to me. Like when I see girls I think of them sorta like that. Like that girl has "THAT" attribute about her that she does better than other people. And that makes her attractive I think. Meh maybe at some level everyone does this, but perhaps me more so.. Say again for someone I use as a example "LD" to me was more of a hot girl, rather than a cute girl. But at the same time I have seen her look cute too so that to me was intresting. And of course she had a fantastic face and I am deff a face dude.
For Apple girl(lol argh... that sounds so silly but anyway..)she is actually pretty plain and simple looking. Again I know when one of my friends saw her he was pretty suprised and basically told me I was out of her league and she should be for free for someone like me... but.. I digress... She has a fresh pretty looking face, and again im a face dude. Its the most important thing to me. And her hair is a intresting color to me and the way it falls in her face(,.,........... lol argh... that was hard to even type).. I dunno she just looks really fucking cute to me. And she doesnt look like she tries hard at all, but she is more naturally attractive then other people? Who knows maybe she does try hard.. But whatever. Some people say I look like I try but obviously thats not the case as I go out completely fucked up out of my mind all the time. I certainly care though lol. Anywho....
So yea I basically admitted to myself that I have a crush on this girl that ive never talked to in the 2 years or whatever it was that shes worked there. Yea im lame. Of course I have my reasons so I try not to get to down about it.
So about a year goes by(again im really iffy on time frames as well on some level its kinda whatever to me at the end of the day......)maybe and whatever I think by this point whenever I talk to Staysha(as she is the main person I talk to at Kroger.. in a way you could actaully probably say Staysha is probably the girl i talk to the most in my life maybe... *rubs chin* its pretty obvious that im dropping Apple Girl bombs during the conversation and its painfully obvious that I have a stupid crush on this girl. To be honest again even at this point writing this journal I really dont know much about her. Maybe better that way... .If anything ive joked about that Staysha should tell me some bad things about her so I dont have to have a crush on her. But in general I just get that she is nice but shy or something. I should say actually I have heard one bad thing about her. There is another girl that knows I like her and was more or less like "what.. shes the one you like? She is dirty and a ho.. why do you like her of all people?" lol Meh... I try not to think about that comment...
-_______-.... Of course even if its true in a way it makes it worse doesnt it. That I get all these girls but when I like a girl she is a dirty ho, and yet then I cant get with her? If that idea makes sense... Moving on...
Back to the shy part. This comes up in one paticular circumstance as supposedly at one point Staysha tells me that she told her that something like "theres this guy that everyones asks him if hes a model when he comes in on sundays you should say Hi to him"... Yes its as corny as it sounds.. Of course im embarressed by the prospect of this but at the same time again I have a crush on this girl so part of me isnt against it. At the same time.. Im sorta like "Oh shit N*gga what are you doing* mode as im like.. Ok a guy that comes in on sundays and everyone asks him if hes a model.. How can she NOT know its me. I get this stuff constantly. Need I mention as well that almost every girl that has EVER worked at Kroger has come up to me at some point or another. Except her basically....
Whatever the case nothing happens with this. I try to tell myself theres no way she couldnt have known its me.. So Ill assume Staysha was just trying to get me to stop being a bitch and trick me into talking to her. Though saying that im still confused that Alberta of all people would have not have said anything to her ethier as she was always trying to hook me up everytime she saw me.
I run into quite a number of instances where one could say I EASILY had a chance to talk to her. Like I was getting apples and she was putting out apples and I much like the idoit I am even TURNED my back to turn and tried to still pick up the apples with out looking at her *face palm*... Or when we were both down a asile togther... Again though I ethier in a way try to avoid her or cant talk to her.
Well come maybe a month or so ago I finally talked to her for the first time. I asked her for some letteuce.. OK wait I guess this doesnt count. But basically I was going to get lettuce there was none there. So I decided to go do the rest of my shopping and then after I was done id go back and see if she had put it out there yet. YES I know I could have asked her while I was already down that asile. But I think we have already established how terrible I am.
OK so that goes.. how it goes.. lol
OK now the week or 2 after that I legitamently tried to talk to her. I have a pretty good reason too as well. I wont even use the word excuse as I have asked other girls as well. More Recently out of boredum I have bought a number of colognes just for a sorta "hobby" to do...Which maybe ill talk about that later. So I have talked to random girls asking them what kinda cologne they like etc. Argh.. lol if you could only see how hard this is to type right now...
So of course I see her only and im like ok FUCK IT. Im going to ask her about cologne if she likes anything. This is a legitament question! Ive already asked tons of girls and even guys. I am not hitting on her. Yes yes.. I tell myself.. Well.. I procrastante and hesitate and she moves away. lol So I say fuck, thankfully she is turned around so now she cant seem me actually NOW almost forcing myself into a conversation even worse............
.....
Argh so hard to type...
Well I go up to her and its extremely forced at least.. Thinking and typeing it now... I can even see the stupid face I give and its not natural... This is perfect example of how much easier it is when girls just come to me to talk and I dont give a fuck about them and they eat up whatever I say. Anyway I asked her if she likes any kinda cologne on dudes whatever. And she tells me that she actually doesnt know much about cologne but she tells me I smell good.........
...OK although I had thought this conversation through slightly.. this answer did not come up. I have no idea wtf to say. I think I say something stupid like "uhhh...durrrrr......well thats cool"(that most likely with out the uhh and durrrrrr lol)she asks me what it is. I tell her... A very LONG awkard maybe 3~5 seconds max.. And I just give myself a huge FUCK in my head.. And say "well that was my excuse to talk to you" And i walk away and she laughed.
Argh.....................
That... didnt go to well. But now I have to say something. In the years that she has worked there I havnt said anything to, and now ive seen her up close and her face really is fucking cute. So now im crushing hard on this girl that I really have no idea about.. Other than she is a nice shy dirty ho. lol Moving on....
So I tell myself... I just have to say it. I cant hold it in any longer I dont care.
What brought me to this point?
Well..... At the end of the day selfishness I guess in a way you could say. Things have been very frustrating lately. It sucks to even talk about... one of the reasons I dont even care to keep a journal anymore. As I said before ive constantly day by day recently have been living through the worst period in my life. And this is a long period right now. Its also been frustrating because although ive been more or less housebound now for the past 6 months since this fucking flu shot fiasco(which I will get to later on)I still have been getting asked out a lot for some reason. Which of course im barely ever out of the house, yet I have girls asking me out on the internet or through friends all this kinda crap or the random chance im out....
Its very frustrating... And here I am, and I can never talk to this girl once that ive had a crush on now. Also as well because health has been bad.. Ive been feeling the "now or never" sorta vibe a lot.
Well so a week or 2 ago whatever it was. I see her and I tell myself to say something to her. I just have to get it out... I walk by her.. FUCK..... And I seriously stopped for probably 5 seconds too. And I just couldnt go up to her and say it...
So the next time I go to Kroger I pysche myself up. I tell myself what I am going to say and try to go over whatever "answers" I say to her.. umm "answers" I psyche myself up for this so much I realize when I go into the store I forget my shit in the car to even go shopping with, but thats besides the point. Anyway I go up to her and I completely forget what im going to say and basically say something like "Apple girl, I know that conversation was forced last week but I just couldnt go another year with out saying I didnt try to talk to the hottest girl at Kroger. I had to tell you, your beautiful at least once." Im not sure how to describe her facial expression. But I think it was a "WTF" sorta face. She says "thank you" or something lol. I ask her this cant be the first time she has heard that I had a crush on her.. there just cant be anyway.. Not with how many girls I get. Im sure she had to have known.. I ask her if alberta told her. She doesnt seem to remember her but I guess its been awhile.(Alberta actually ended up getting fired from Kroger.. I should probably go back and edit up the Kroger days entry *rubs chin*) anyway she says thanks again and I walk away...... One of the guys at Kroger comes up to me and asks how im doing randomly that has never talked to me before... he knows I just made a huge fool of myself. I won't make him wait for it, and I tell him as much and walk away. I realize 2 things though.... I just walked up to this girl and didnt even tell her my name on the off chance she actually doesnt know who I am.. And 2.. I forgot to bring in water to fill etc when I left my car since I was so focused on this fact of making a fool of myself. Oh well this will give me a chance to tell her my name since now I have to leave the store and come back.
So I come back with my water bottle and I go up to her again and tell her I forgot to say my name.. im so and so... And im like so seriously no one ever told you I had a crush on you? Not even Staysha?
.............................................
She tells me no and that Staysha did in fact tell her that I liked her so many months ago............
I let out a groan and say fuck me or something. And she says no its ok.. and I walk away. lol
argh....
Well... Thats basically where I am now. I have not had that awkward seeing her again since then. I talked to Staysha and I gave her a grumble half serious half not I hate you sorta talk. She had been telling me constnatly that she didnt know I liked her. But obviously that is not the case. She tried to encourage me and said maybe now this will get things rolling or something but meh..... I feel like a huge idoit. I should say I do feel relived in a way. As.... I wanted to say it. Ive wanted to say it for a long time. Plus I personally(and again I know ive said it multiple times now) am a face dude. And there are not many girls I can legitmanetly say they are beautiful to there face and mean it. And to me that is the ultimate compliment as well... Im a pretty frank/blunt/honest dude whatever. I dont say things I dont mean. So shrug..... Its funny I guess... I suppose thats the first time ive ever said that to a girl. I never even told "LD" I liked her when I was younger. Meh..... Maybe its more sad then "funny". But again I guess for my own selfish reason part of me has always wanted to say that, and again I wouldnt say it if I didnt mean it.. so....
Sigh..... fuck me eh?
I guess at the end of the day I didnt expect much..or anything at all. I didnt say it to get with her, or to ask her out. I just wanted to say it. Meh.... Maybe I can say that because of what a pessimist I am. As usual I think the thought is better than reality so I try not to think to much.