Fucking up royally...
...is what I seem to do the best. I'm pushing away the best thing that has ever happened to me and I cannot for the life of me understand why. There's no one else I would rather be with, there's nothing else I'd rather do than be with him. Yet I feel unworthy, pathetic, useless. Like the Calli he knows is a mere facsimile of the real me. And sometimes, especially now when I've spread myself so thin and am so exhausted all the time, I begrudge his demands on me. Even though I make time for him, I skipped classes for him, I cannot understand why he cannot see why this is so hard for me. He who sees so clearly into every part I am, can't figure this out. Neither can I. It's just so tiring, giving yourself to another person. And i understand now my brother when he said that he didn't want to have to work at this. It's true, things so wonderful shouldn't be this hard. And i don't know if I'm ready to deal with them. Am I just hormonal? God I hope not, because then there's something really serious going on. But I was happy today, when we finally kicked ass in rehearsal and I didn't even hurt that much. But then all this housing drama came up, and Pete was so undecidedly helpful and then I went to this party and was just reminded of how things all used to be before....all this. And then I ran into Casey and that really just drove it all home, how alone I felt and how much I have lost.
I know I'm not the same person I was before, that's understandable. But I don't understand why I need to be so sad, so alone, so controlling. I feel like I am losing control and so need to grasp as tightly as possible whatever I can.
I know this is long and tangential and rant-ful, I'm sorry. I'm sorry for a lot of things. I'm sorry for neglecting the friends I shouldn't neglect, for misplacing priorities. But right now, I've got to finish this semester. I've got to follow through on my obligations, be it work, school, or dance. Somehow I don't know where all you - or Pete, for that matter - fits into all this. I apologize and all I can ask for is your patience and support and just - understand. Try to understand what I can't make sense of, why I have no energy, no will to live brightly, I just want to finish. Be done with all this.
But at the same time that's the last thing I want. I don't want this semester to end, I don't want to think about graduation or figuring out this summer or senior year or after that. I don't want to think about Pete leaving me. I just it wasn't so goddamn important to me but it is. This is what I was afraid that would happen, that I would hit this point where all this was just too much of a risk. I'm so scared of this screwing me over that I'm screwing it up first before I get left in the dust. It really is all this talk of the future, talking about where this is all going. It scares me that I can see it all laid out in front of me, it feels like all autonomy just slipped right out of my hands. The only time I felt alive today was when I danced.
I want him. I love him, in some strange twisted way. But at the same time I look at him and see my future and my downfall all in one. I know that sounds dramatic but I feel like it all ends with him. And him to keep asking me to change what I do and to deprecate the things that I do that help define who I am just seems to cut me down more and more. I need sleep. I need-
I know I'm not the same person I was before, that's understandable. But I don't understand why I need to be so sad, so alone, so controlling. I feel like I am losing control and so need to grasp as tightly as possible whatever I can.
I know this is long and tangential and rant-ful, I'm sorry. I'm sorry for a lot of things. I'm sorry for neglecting the friends I shouldn't neglect, for misplacing priorities. But right now, I've got to finish this semester. I've got to follow through on my obligations, be it work, school, or dance. Somehow I don't know where all you - or Pete, for that matter - fits into all this. I apologize and all I can ask for is your patience and support and just - understand. Try to understand what I can't make sense of, why I have no energy, no will to live brightly, I just want to finish. Be done with all this.
But at the same time that's the last thing I want. I don't want this semester to end, I don't want to think about graduation or figuring out this summer or senior year or after that. I don't want to think about Pete leaving me. I just it wasn't so goddamn important to me but it is. This is what I was afraid that would happen, that I would hit this point where all this was just too much of a risk. I'm so scared of this screwing me over that I'm screwing it up first before I get left in the dust. It really is all this talk of the future, talking about where this is all going. It scares me that I can see it all laid out in front of me, it feels like all autonomy just slipped right out of my hands. The only time I felt alive today was when I danced.
I want him. I love him, in some strange twisted way. But at the same time I look at him and see my future and my downfall all in one. I know that sounds dramatic but I feel like it all ends with him. And him to keep asking me to change what I do and to deprecate the things that I do that help define who I am just seems to cut me down more and more. I need sleep. I need-