Rediscovering My Ambition
"Even from earliest childhood [ambition] dominated me. I longed for achievements, to be influential--that, in particular. To sway people. This has been my religion: the belief that I deserve attention, that they are wrong not to listen, that those who dispute me are fools."
~ Gerda Erzberger, a character in Tom Rachman's novel "The Imperfectionists"
Until I read this excerpt I had never seen such an accurate description of my own feelings. I never thought of myself as ambitious--the word never crossed my mind with regards to myself--but I was. I always wanted to be influential. I've always felt angry when people resisted or dismissed my influence outright. I always believed I deserved attention, and I felt angry (even as a toddler, as a cassette my mom has of me can attest) when I did not get the attention I believe I deserved.
My question is how on earth did I go from that immature, ego-centric extreme as a toddler to almost the exact opposite by my young adulthood: believing I was not worthy of attention unless I did something extraordinary, expecting to be disrespected as a matter of course, and mistrusting my own ambition? Then again, I suppose being told at six or seven by your own mother, whom you believed unconditionally, "You are no more important than one grain of sand on the beach," would lay the foundation for that belief system. Regular exposure to childhood and adolescent teasing without the nurturing at home to build you back up from it would complete the job nicely.
So now I am examining my life and asking what happened to all of my ambition? I realize, though, it is in there. I've just learned over the years to discount, dismiss, and mistrust it. I want to reverse this trend and tap back into it.
It needs to be balanced, of course. I don't want to be a raging egomaniac, which is what my mother feared me becoming, if she didn't nip it in the bud. (Her approach was just far too heavy-handed for my temperament and slapped the pendulum to the other end, where it became stuck.) But neither do I want to continue to dismiss my ambition. I want to honor it, nurture it, and use it to my and my partner's advantage.
~ Gerda Erzberger, a character in Tom Rachman's novel "The Imperfectionists"
Until I read this excerpt I had never seen such an accurate description of my own feelings. I never thought of myself as ambitious--the word never crossed my mind with regards to myself--but I was. I always wanted to be influential. I've always felt angry when people resisted or dismissed my influence outright. I always believed I deserved attention, and I felt angry (even as a toddler, as a cassette my mom has of me can attest) when I did not get the attention I believe I deserved.
My question is how on earth did I go from that immature, ego-centric extreme as a toddler to almost the exact opposite by my young adulthood: believing I was not worthy of attention unless I did something extraordinary, expecting to be disrespected as a matter of course, and mistrusting my own ambition? Then again, I suppose being told at six or seven by your own mother, whom you believed unconditionally, "You are no more important than one grain of sand on the beach," would lay the foundation for that belief system. Regular exposure to childhood and adolescent teasing without the nurturing at home to build you back up from it would complete the job nicely.
So now I am examining my life and asking what happened to all of my ambition? I realize, though, it is in there. I've just learned over the years to discount, dismiss, and mistrust it. I want to reverse this trend and tap back into it.
It needs to be balanced, of course. I don't want to be a raging egomaniac, which is what my mother feared me becoming, if she didn't nip it in the bud. (Her approach was just far too heavy-handed for my temperament and slapped the pendulum to the other end, where it became stuck.) But neither do I want to continue to dismiss my ambition. I want to honor it, nurture it, and use it to my and my partner's advantage.