Here we are again...
She feels guilty because she feels like she's not putting any time into the relationship from her perspective. She wants me to be happy. A few kind and loving words a day is all I ever wanted or needed. I know she's buried under mountains of work. I know she's stressed out. But knowing that just the thought of me and my feelings for her adds to that stress because it makes her feel inadequate or guilty is tough.
"I just want you to be happy," she pleaded through tears.
...I have been. I miss her terribly, but it's not crippling. It's sweet. I know that we both have lots to do and much to work on. I was keeping busy and staying happy. I would look to her as comfort. Knowing that I could reach out to her, hear her sweet voice, read her brief but cute texts, and all would be well. I would be soothed.
I waited years to find someone like her and I thought she was the one. She was everything in one person: beauty, inspiration, intelligence, wit, challenge, romance, and comfort.
Since her workload went into overdrive at the beginning of the fall, the tone and pacing of things changed. I wasn't clear about what was going on. I feared the worst and my mind played tricks on me. I spent so many nights in confusion and dread - staring at the ceiling and begging for sleep to arrive. I'd roll over, sigh after sigh, trying to get warm, comfortable, or even drowsy - all to no avail.
So I suppose that when the holidays arrived and I felt (wrongly) that she had become distant and removed, I was actually projecting my own fears onto her actions. I was misreading everything based on my own worry. We talked it out and everything was fine. She knew I wasn't behaving like myself. She knew something was wrong, but she didn't know what it was or how to address it. I actually made things worse by being upset and not talking about it.
Flashforward 1 month. She left to return to school 4+ weeks ago and I didn't want to see her go. Things were just getting back to normal. She had been distant not only emotionally, but physically, citing her self-imposed isolation for the purposes of school. Hugs and such were awkward to her, and I didn't want to make it worse. I was just happy that she actually chose to spend time with me. We talked on the phone before bed like we used to, and I was happy. School then resumed for both of us and the schedules were difficult once again. She is so very strong. She is buried under so much work, yet she still manages to keep me in her daily routine in some way. But more and more, my reassurances and emotional expressions are were not being returned. Instead, I would get something very simple of basic.
"I love you, my dear girl," my text to her would read.
":)" was the reply.
I knew then that something was up. This time, I didn't jump to conclusions or project. I simply waited.
She called yesterday and I heard the words from her that I never wanted to hear "can we talk?"
Yes. Yes we could. I'm older now. I'm wiser and calmer. I know from my own previous experience that reacting would just make things worse. We talked. It was a good talk. She shared her concerns, she answered all of my questions, she gave me insight into her challenges, and she allowed me to express my feelings and my desire not to leave. She doesn't want to lose me as a friend, but I don't know how to just be her friend. It's all interwoven - my life since late 2008 has been her. Likes, dislikes, common ground, fun, games, food - I spent so much time learning her. Hehe - we even had fights over the fact that I didn't listen. I always listened, but my mouth often preceded my brain such that my words said somethings that I never meant. I had become quite good at listening: picking up on things that were wrong, noting when she felt uneasy or awkward...
I was so worried that this day would come that I practiced my words to her should they ever be needed. And I was able to recite them (well, loosely.) I expressed my never-ending love for her. I thanked her for everything that she was and has been. I told her that am proud of her and everything that she doing.
And so, I wait a week in silence. We agreed to go a week without contact and see what impact it has. If I am to lose her, I have to find a way to cope and soldier on. I can't do that if I have access to her. I will plead, pout, mope and worse. I find no comfort in this isolation, but I cannot fool myself into thinking that this will all just blow over (as much as I deeply wish that it would.) Besides, I'd just make her life far more complicated with my pleas, my sadness, and such. A guilt trip that she cannot be made to suffer. She taught me just how powerful guilt can be for some people, and I'm a better person for having that knowledge.
But now my phone sits quietly. The texts that I would look forward to each day won't be arriving anymore...and that hurts like hell.
"I just want you to be happy," she pleaded through tears.
...I have been. I miss her terribly, but it's not crippling. It's sweet. I know that we both have lots to do and much to work on. I was keeping busy and staying happy. I would look to her as comfort. Knowing that I could reach out to her, hear her sweet voice, read her brief but cute texts, and all would be well. I would be soothed.
I waited years to find someone like her and I thought she was the one. She was everything in one person: beauty, inspiration, intelligence, wit, challenge, romance, and comfort.
Since her workload went into overdrive at the beginning of the fall, the tone and pacing of things changed. I wasn't clear about what was going on. I feared the worst and my mind played tricks on me. I spent so many nights in confusion and dread - staring at the ceiling and begging for sleep to arrive. I'd roll over, sigh after sigh, trying to get warm, comfortable, or even drowsy - all to no avail.
So I suppose that when the holidays arrived and I felt (wrongly) that she had become distant and removed, I was actually projecting my own fears onto her actions. I was misreading everything based on my own worry. We talked it out and everything was fine. She knew I wasn't behaving like myself. She knew something was wrong, but she didn't know what it was or how to address it. I actually made things worse by being upset and not talking about it.
Flashforward 1 month. She left to return to school 4+ weeks ago and I didn't want to see her go. Things were just getting back to normal. She had been distant not only emotionally, but physically, citing her self-imposed isolation for the purposes of school. Hugs and such were awkward to her, and I didn't want to make it worse. I was just happy that she actually chose to spend time with me. We talked on the phone before bed like we used to, and I was happy. School then resumed for both of us and the schedules were difficult once again. She is so very strong. She is buried under so much work, yet she still manages to keep me in her daily routine in some way. But more and more, my reassurances and emotional expressions are were not being returned. Instead, I would get something very simple of basic.
"I love you, my dear girl," my text to her would read.
":)" was the reply.
I knew then that something was up. This time, I didn't jump to conclusions or project. I simply waited.
She called yesterday and I heard the words from her that I never wanted to hear "can we talk?"
Yes. Yes we could. I'm older now. I'm wiser and calmer. I know from my own previous experience that reacting would just make things worse. We talked. It was a good talk. She shared her concerns, she answered all of my questions, she gave me insight into her challenges, and she allowed me to express my feelings and my desire not to leave. She doesn't want to lose me as a friend, but I don't know how to just be her friend. It's all interwoven - my life since late 2008 has been her. Likes, dislikes, common ground, fun, games, food - I spent so much time learning her. Hehe - we even had fights over the fact that I didn't listen. I always listened, but my mouth often preceded my brain such that my words said somethings that I never meant. I had become quite good at listening: picking up on things that were wrong, noting when she felt uneasy or awkward...
I was so worried that this day would come that I practiced my words to her should they ever be needed. And I was able to recite them (well, loosely.) I expressed my never-ending love for her. I thanked her for everything that she was and has been. I told her that am proud of her and everything that she doing.
And so, I wait a week in silence. We agreed to go a week without contact and see what impact it has. If I am to lose her, I have to find a way to cope and soldier on. I can't do that if I have access to her. I will plead, pout, mope and worse. I find no comfort in this isolation, but I cannot fool myself into thinking that this will all just blow over (as much as I deeply wish that it would.) Besides, I'd just make her life far more complicated with my pleas, my sadness, and such. A guilt trip that she cannot be made to suffer. She taught me just how powerful guilt can be for some people, and I'm a better person for having that knowledge.
But now my phone sits quietly. The texts that I would look forward to each day won't be arriving anymore...and that hurts like hell.