Mortality: lame. (credit to Mel for passively reminding me of that meme)
No worries, I'm not sick or in any danger.
But friends and family are aging all around. Losing one of my Grandfathers a few years back was a difficult thing; I had never experienced death in my life. I was completely unprepared for what I faced and I wouldn't have the constitution to write about it now if it hadn't been for the volumes of support from the rest of the family. Sure, it affected my aunts, uncles, and proximal cousins far more than it affected me. They lived near him, they were able to see him often. Once I grew up and had the opportunity to understand him and our relationship, he passed on. According to my then-coherent grandmother, he had passed on mentally a few years prior. He was "there", but there seemed to be a few less thoughts present in his mind. I was the only one to speak at his wake, and I was a far cry from who I am now. Ponytail, earrings, etc - determined to remain the exception to the rule (especially in a conservative and rural community like the one my grandpa Jack lived in.) And yet, I heard from mom that everyone was touched with my few brief, broken words that were little more than anecdotes of the few times I was lucky enough to stink up a golf course next to him. I was a brat, I was poorly behaved, and I was a jerk - and I never had the chance to show him I was so much more.
So much has changed since then. But I've become very sensitive to the value and importance of each passing day. I look at the time I frittered away doing stupid stuff, and I know I'm supposed to enjoy it (I know I did at the time.) But I'm plagued with regrets over the time I wasted. Heh, I had grand plans once. But they all changed - I found that I didn't want those things. And now, I feel like I'm behind with regard to the things I now want to accomplish. I have a long and difficult road ahead, and I want is the time to see it all through.
I've quit smoking (3 years ago.) I don't drink often or much. I'm back in school to develop a stronger resume and market myself to a broader range of employers.
And yet, my thoughts are of my family, my friends, and even my 13yo cat. She's the only pet I've ever had, and I will proudly admit that I enjoy her company when things are tough.
And most troubling of all, I no longer find humor in death. When I was younger, I laughed openly at death and the macabre. Now, it terrifies me. I pity those who've had their brief time on this Earth cut tragically short. I certainly don't find humor in that.
Heh - now I know why parents shelter their kids from violent imagery. I suppose there is a level of desensitizing that occurs when you feel invincible...which I don't.
But friends and family are aging all around. Losing one of my Grandfathers a few years back was a difficult thing; I had never experienced death in my life. I was completely unprepared for what I faced and I wouldn't have the constitution to write about it now if it hadn't been for the volumes of support from the rest of the family. Sure, it affected my aunts, uncles, and proximal cousins far more than it affected me. They lived near him, they were able to see him often. Once I grew up and had the opportunity to understand him and our relationship, he passed on. According to my then-coherent grandmother, he had passed on mentally a few years prior. He was "there", but there seemed to be a few less thoughts present in his mind. I was the only one to speak at his wake, and I was a far cry from who I am now. Ponytail, earrings, etc - determined to remain the exception to the rule (especially in a conservative and rural community like the one my grandpa Jack lived in.) And yet, I heard from mom that everyone was touched with my few brief, broken words that were little more than anecdotes of the few times I was lucky enough to stink up a golf course next to him. I was a brat, I was poorly behaved, and I was a jerk - and I never had the chance to show him I was so much more.
So much has changed since then. But I've become very sensitive to the value and importance of each passing day. I look at the time I frittered away doing stupid stuff, and I know I'm supposed to enjoy it (I know I did at the time.) But I'm plagued with regrets over the time I wasted. Heh, I had grand plans once. But they all changed - I found that I didn't want those things. And now, I feel like I'm behind with regard to the things I now want to accomplish. I have a long and difficult road ahead, and I want is the time to see it all through.
I've quit smoking (3 years ago.) I don't drink often or much. I'm back in school to develop a stronger resume and market myself to a broader range of employers.
And yet, my thoughts are of my family, my friends, and even my 13yo cat. She's the only pet I've ever had, and I will proudly admit that I enjoy her company when things are tough.
And most troubling of all, I no longer find humor in death. When I was younger, I laughed openly at death and the macabre. Now, it terrifies me. I pity those who've had their brief time on this Earth cut tragically short. I certainly don't find humor in that.
Heh - now I know why parents shelter their kids from violent imagery. I suppose there is a level of desensitizing that occurs when you feel invincible...which I don't.