THE FANDOM HIGHTIMES: SIXTH ISSUE!

[auroryborealis]

RORY SPEAKS:

I thoughT perhaps I might do something different this week. In lieu of a column, we have a letter from the editor:

To Whom It May Concern (trolls, I’m looking at you.):

Thank you for visiting the lovely little hamlet (not Hamlet) of Fandom. Much though we appreciate tourism (our economy can undoubtedly use it), we would further appreciate it if perhaps on your next visit, you could leave things in a tidier state.

I’m sure you didn’t mean to, but you sort of left the place a mess, not to mention the dozens of denizens you wounded. We understand if this is your nature (as it is also the nature of zombies, snow monsters, and gelatin dragons) but a little courtesy would be appreciated in the future.

A few behaviors that could be modified prior to your next stay with us:

More care taken to where you tread. Your feet, lovely though they are, are bit larger than ours. Really, everything of yours is larger than ours not dirty. Stepping on unsuspecting humans isn’t really the best way to endear oneself to them.

Leaving those pesky club thingies at home. They’re awfully big and clumsy-looking as it is.

Not trying to take all our cute boys. Much appreciated. Granted, Fandom has an unnaturally high populace of attractive males, but I’m sure there are others located elsewhere. Furthermore, there are nicer ways to obtain them than knocking them over the head.

Yeah, about that…no more knocking people out, please.

I have a suspicion that you would likely be untidy hotel guests as well. May I recommend reusing towels so as not to tie up the laundry service, and instead get them washed every two days? Additionally, do try to limit yourselves to only the reasonable amount of complimentary toiletries and mints, and remember that the Bible is not a souvenir. The housekeeping, I assure you, will appreciate it.

We hope that your take our suggestions to heart, and pass them along to your other invading brethren, as I’m certain we’ve not seen our last Fandom invasion.

Regards,
Rory Gilmore on behalf of the Fandom Hightimes



PHOEBE SPEAKS:
So, it seems that we have kept up with continuing to raise the bar with strange occurences in Fandom.

This time? This time it was trolls. Yes, Fandom was attacked by trolls two weekends ago. First, they kidnapped several of us by hitting us on the heads and dumping us in Efferton Manor. Then, they had the foolish idea to attack the school.

...

I really think that there needs to be some network of evil villians that they need to use to keep in contact with each other. They need this so in the future they can warn each other NOT TO ATTACK FANDOM!

Really. How many times have we been invaded or attacked since the school opened and the town was formed? Everry single time it has happened they have learned one important thing. We will defend ourselves and we will win.

You just do not attack us. We don't care who or what you are. We will pull together and we will make sure that you learn why even zombies don't stand a chance attacking us.



STUCO REPORT
by Peter Parker

Last week there was no meeting. Last week there was also no paper. In breaking news, a wave of convenience swept Fandom as I was writing this article.

Two weeks ago, during a meeting that Professor Lyman did not attend because he doesn't like us as much as he pretends to, a budget proposal for stocking the dorms with communal food was submitted. There was no discussion on the subject, but it felt like there was for some reason.

There was also some talk about doing some minor things to celebrate the holidays, such as decorating and tree trimming. I suggest making festive hats out of this very newspaper, but not until you're done reading it.

And that was it. Slow week. Except we were also visited by Elvis. He rode a pony into the meeting. Okay, maybe not, but that would have been newsworthy.



THE SPY WHO TAUGHT ME
by Alanna Trebond

Among the new, and always unusual, faces here in Fandom this semester is the mysterious spying teacher: Alianne of Pirate’s Swoop or, as everyone seems to call her, Aly. She’s from Tortall, which is not on this world and her favorite color is brown. Pirate’s Swoop is located in the southern region of the country and is a port fief.

She had originally come to Fandom on the bequest of the queen of the Copper Islands where she now resides. Aly stuck around because she likes the people, especially her students, the annoying talking cat, and driving me insane. For her, the weirdest things in Fandom are computers and … me.

Out of all her new experiences, Aly liked her visit to Washington D.C. the most. Next semester, look for Aly to be teaching a class on revolutions and possibly one on etiquette that you only need when in Fandom. Also, listen for Aly every Monday as she hosts radio with the annoying talking cat.

THE PEAR: NATURE'S FORGOTTEN (PROBABLY BECAUSE THEY ARE LITERALLY GREY) FRUIT
by Peter Parker

Here at Fandom High, we embrace different groups much more freely than people do elsewhere. To us, people are just people.

Unless they're fruit. We have neglected pears for far too long. Since the twelve days of Christmas are right around the corner and somebody, somewhere is going to give twelve pear trees to somebody over the next couple weeks, this is the pear-fect time to discuss the finer points of pears.

Butterfly larvae use pear trees for food. Without pear trees, we'd have no butterflies.

Pears make up parts of various juices and jams, making them an accessory to meals and snacks at all times of day.

They taste good.

Without them, we'd have no pear/pair visual puns. I think we can all agree that's the most important thing.

So here's to you, pears. May you get the recognition you deserve around here at long last.



My God, you people have been busy in the last couple of weeks, haven't you? According to the notes that I have, a lot of you have hooked up... if only for a one time deal.

You do realize that it would be easier to talk about the people who are not shippy, right?

Of course, that would not be nearly as much fun.

Willow and English Peter have definitely been making with the cute and adorable. Her roommate, Marie, and Jaime are also still making with the cute. (I did tell him that the best way to make the campus beautiful was to keep making her smile.)

I think I am just going to make a list of all of you couples because, frankly, coming up with the cool comments for each of you would kill my brain.

In the Cuteness Olympics, we still have Nadia and Walter, as well As Pippi and Pip. I think this is a very good thing.

Isabel and Greg are still in the running, as are Joxer and Kaylee, Marty and Angela, Cole and Phoebe, Lana and Jim, Jack and Sam, Jack and Cedric ... and there are a lot of you people being cute this time, isn't there?

Cally and Mac are adorable, and so are Bridgey and Rory (Yay!). There has also apparently been cuteness with John and Aeryn, and Anders and Cole are NOT cute, no matter what the squirrels seem to think they should be telling people. However, Blair and River are still very cute together.

Also, I am not reading the last couple of names on this list of couples and cuteness because I happen to want to stay in one piece and not bleed.

Coffee Pin-Up


credits:
editor: Rory Gilmore
words: Rory Gilmore, Phoebe Halliwell, Peter Parker, Alanna Trebond
pictures: The fabulous Chloe Sullivan, the humble Rory Gilmore, and the magnificent Google
coffee pin-up: http://www.topmeadow.net/bwm/images/2003/20030810-large-latte.jpg