Farewell August...
I am so glad to put this past month behind me. It was one of the most trying months of my life.
With Shea gone to India and news of my sisters Cancer, paired with only four nights all month sleeping in my bed I was running on empty. Beyond empty. Seven days in Lake Tahoe, followed by six in Idaho, four at home, five more in Tahoe, four in Las Vegas, and then home on Thursday I knew I was at a breaking point. I hadn't slept, I had eaten poorly, and I know I look like I have aged years in this past month. The circles under my eyes have become twice their normal size, and the wrinkles on my forehead and in the creases of my eyes are much more defined than they were just thirty days ago. I had a birthday that seemed like a flicker of time in what was an eternity of a month. Normally August is one of the best months I ever have, but for 2009 this just wasn't the case.
Last night Shea returned home and it's as if the world re-opened. I realized how truly in love with this woman I am. My best friend, my confidant, my world finally returned at a point when I knew I really needed her. When I wasn't even sure I could get up the next day without seeing her. She breathed life into my fragile state, gave me CPR of the soul. I needed her revival.
This month is going to be equally as stringent. We leave on Monday night for Idaho and then back home for ten days, followed by another trip...this one I am really looking forward to though. We will be in New Hamshire at the end of the month for my best friend's wedding. It is a dosage of home and happiness that has kept me afloat over the past month. I can close my eyes and see vivid fall colors with my friends smiling and laughing all around me. There were times this past month when all I had to do was imagine us all around a picnic table on the sprawling lawn of the wedding location and I had to smile and felt so peaceful. I love my family, but these people are even closer to me than some of my own family members. They understand me inside and out. They send me bags of gummy bears when I am desperate, cards that sing Disney songs, and make me so happy that my soul feels like it is going to burst! Not only can I not wait to see them, I need to see them. I need to feel like ME again.
Many of you have heard that my sister was diagnosed with Stage 4 Ovarian cancer. She is a fighter and despite what her doctor's may say, I truly believe she can win this battle. It's overwhelming, scary, and beyond frightening to picture life without her, but I know what ever comes whether it be the end of her life or just a door into the next chapter that I want to be with her for as much of the time as I can. It's funny to think about what I have taken for granted. Crystal's illness has reopened my eyes to things I don't really regret, but surely wish I could do over. For much of my young adult life, I was wrapped up into my own life. Living the "fast life" you may say. It was all about me, how could I get myself to the next level, make more money, hold more power. Now all of that seems so meaningless, and I think to myself, what was it all for? I could have spent those Black Friday's shopping with my sisters or visiting friends instead of catering to the rest of the world. I could have surprised my sister on Christmas Day instead of laying on the couch trying to recover from the holiday season. I was present for many functions, but my mind was elsewhere. It was focused on ME and what I could do next.
I am beginning to question what do I really want out of life? The world, and all of you readers know, that I have always lived with a silver spoon in my mouth. If I wanted something, I got it with no questions asked. Now I wonder why was I put here? What are my passions? Why I am a work-aholic and how can I break this cycle in my twenties to truly enjoy my life? What makes me happy? What doesn't? Do I really want life to continue on the path that I am on? The true answer is not really. But how do you just exit your current reality and start down the path that you want? I mean, I own a home, I am a husband, I am a brother, a friend, a son. What does this mean for me? And the harder question is once I make that decision, what path do I go on then? Everyone has something, whether it be photography, gardening, yoga, art. I have nothing. Nothing that I am so passionate about that I could make it my primary emphasis in life.
So that is my goal for this month. To figure out what my true passions really are and then start with baby steps towards wrapping myself up into them. I think once I make a conscious decision to do that then the rest of the questions will start to unravel their answers. This is what I hope and pray for at least.
With Shea gone to India and news of my sisters Cancer, paired with only four nights all month sleeping in my bed I was running on empty. Beyond empty. Seven days in Lake Tahoe, followed by six in Idaho, four at home, five more in Tahoe, four in Las Vegas, and then home on Thursday I knew I was at a breaking point. I hadn't slept, I had eaten poorly, and I know I look like I have aged years in this past month. The circles under my eyes have become twice their normal size, and the wrinkles on my forehead and in the creases of my eyes are much more defined than they were just thirty days ago. I had a birthday that seemed like a flicker of time in what was an eternity of a month. Normally August is one of the best months I ever have, but for 2009 this just wasn't the case.
Last night Shea returned home and it's as if the world re-opened. I realized how truly in love with this woman I am. My best friend, my confidant, my world finally returned at a point when I knew I really needed her. When I wasn't even sure I could get up the next day without seeing her. She breathed life into my fragile state, gave me CPR of the soul. I needed her revival.
This month is going to be equally as stringent. We leave on Monday night for Idaho and then back home for ten days, followed by another trip...this one I am really looking forward to though. We will be in New Hamshire at the end of the month for my best friend's wedding. It is a dosage of home and happiness that has kept me afloat over the past month. I can close my eyes and see vivid fall colors with my friends smiling and laughing all around me. There were times this past month when all I had to do was imagine us all around a picnic table on the sprawling lawn of the wedding location and I had to smile and felt so peaceful. I love my family, but these people are even closer to me than some of my own family members. They understand me inside and out. They send me bags of gummy bears when I am desperate, cards that sing Disney songs, and make me so happy that my soul feels like it is going to burst! Not only can I not wait to see them, I need to see them. I need to feel like ME again.
Many of you have heard that my sister was diagnosed with Stage 4 Ovarian cancer. She is a fighter and despite what her doctor's may say, I truly believe she can win this battle. It's overwhelming, scary, and beyond frightening to picture life without her, but I know what ever comes whether it be the end of her life or just a door into the next chapter that I want to be with her for as much of the time as I can. It's funny to think about what I have taken for granted. Crystal's illness has reopened my eyes to things I don't really regret, but surely wish I could do over. For much of my young adult life, I was wrapped up into my own life. Living the "fast life" you may say. It was all about me, how could I get myself to the next level, make more money, hold more power. Now all of that seems so meaningless, and I think to myself, what was it all for? I could have spent those Black Friday's shopping with my sisters or visiting friends instead of catering to the rest of the world. I could have surprised my sister on Christmas Day instead of laying on the couch trying to recover from the holiday season. I was present for many functions, but my mind was elsewhere. It was focused on ME and what I could do next.
I am beginning to question what do I really want out of life? The world, and all of you readers know, that I have always lived with a silver spoon in my mouth. If I wanted something, I got it with no questions asked. Now I wonder why was I put here? What are my passions? Why I am a work-aholic and how can I break this cycle in my twenties to truly enjoy my life? What makes me happy? What doesn't? Do I really want life to continue on the path that I am on? The true answer is not really. But how do you just exit your current reality and start down the path that you want? I mean, I own a home, I am a husband, I am a brother, a friend, a son. What does this mean for me? And the harder question is once I make that decision, what path do I go on then? Everyone has something, whether it be photography, gardening, yoga, art. I have nothing. Nothing that I am so passionate about that I could make it my primary emphasis in life.
So that is my goal for this month. To figure out what my true passions really are and then start with baby steps towards wrapping myself up into them. I think once I make a conscious decision to do that then the rest of the questions will start to unravel their answers. This is what I hope and pray for at least.