Stand back! I'm going to try ~*science*~
(Firstly, and at the risk of breaking with verisimilitude, note that this post could potentially be triggery in one or two places.)
Based on the recent SurveyFail, I have decided to do some research of my own.
Therefore, I'm conducting a survey on pisspoor excuses for scientists. If you're a pisspoor excuse for a scientist, please answer my survey!
The survey was designed using anecdata collected from a couple of guys I met in the pub. Please note that pisspoor excuses for scientists aren't actually the focus of my research, just the source of the data. Whatever that means. The collected data will be analysed using a combination of counting on fingers, asspulls, wrongly-applied scientific terminology and guesswork.
IT IS VERY IMPORTANT THAT ONLY PISSPOOR EXCUSES FOR SCIENTISTS ANSWER THIS SURVEY. If you are the kind of scientist (or social scientist) who actually has a fucking clue what they're doing, please do not take the survey.
1. What is your ethnicity?
- White
- Black
- Brown
- Other
2. What is your sex?
- Man
- Lady
3. In which country do you reside?
- USA!
- Canada
- England
- Some other place
4. Who is your favourite scientist?
5. If you could be any scientist, which one would you want to be?
6. When did you last wank while thinking about how awesome it would be if you were them?
- About five minutes ago
- Last week
- I'm a girl and as such don't wank
7. What's your favourite sexual position?
8. You put it where?
9. When was the last time you stayed up all night mapping MRI scans?
- About five minutes ago
- Last week
- Have never done it
10. Your research is on the brain, you say. Well, if you're so clever, what am I thinking about right now?
11. Why haven't you found a cure for cancer yet?
12. Have you ever been the victim of stalking and enjoyed the attention?
- Yes
- No
13. How do you ensure your scientific research is accurate, valid, and reliable?
- I ask real scientists for advice
- I read books and comics about science
- I wear a white coat and lab goggles
- I appear on science-themed quiz shows and surreptitiously take notes
- I've got an actual degree/equivalent training [note that this answer was added in to the survey after the survey had been live for several days]
14. Which of the following affects whether you carry out research on a particular topic?
- Seeing something awesome on reality TV and thinking it would make a cool experiment
- Pre-existing book deals
- The possibility of a hot research assistant
- Pure thirst for knowledge and understanding [note that this answer was added in to the survey after the survey had been live for several days]
15. Do you watch Star Trek? (If you haven't heard of it, Star Trek is a popular science programme.)
- Yes
- No
16. What kinds of research do you carry out?
- The sort with microscopes
- The sort with beakers of chemicals with smoke coming out of them
- The sort where someone lies on a couch and talks about their mother
- Other
17. Which of the following science journals do you read regularly?
- Behavioral Brain Research
- European Journal of Pharmacology
- Journal of Comparative Neurology
- My Pretty Little Hippocampus
- Trends in Cell Biology
- Occipital Babes
- Journal of Neuroscience Methods
- Brain and Development
- Anal Amy and her Awesome Amygdala
18. Do you ever crack one out in the lab when everyone else has gone home?
- Yes
- No
19. If your partner in real life had a really, really hot lab partner, would you be jealous?
- Yes
- I'd be turned on
- Depends on how big her tits were
20. If you had to choose one of the following, which do you like most about doing scientific research?
- I don't do scientific research
- The development of chemical bonds
- The thrill of SCIENCE!
- Wearing a white coat and goggles
- Enhancement of my tiny, tiny dick
- Identifying with my favourite scientist
- Giggling over phrases like "Large Hard-on Collider"
- Book deals
21. Have you ever written a paper or other academic work that was based entirely on your own pre-existing biases and in which the data was made to fit the theory and not the other way around?
- Yes
- ... There's another way?
22. Which of these best describes your childhood?
- I was the epitome of the stereotypical only child
- I wasn't breastfed and I'm still bitter
- I used to like playing with dolls and wearing pink, but then when I was four or five years old my father beat it out of me and after that I only played with trucks
- I was potty-trained too early and have longstanding issues as a result
- It was idyllic, and the adult world has been nothing but a disappointment to me
23. Were you one of those sad kids that had a chemistry set and collected "I LOVE INSECTS" magazine in weekly instalments, and the first instalment was only £1.99 (normal price £3.99) and came with a free ring binder? And collected Star Wars stickers while all the other boys were trading football cards?
- Yes
24. How often do you cry during masturbation?
- Every day
- Once a week
- I don't cry but I do feel guilty
- Have never cried at anything
25. Oh shit, just had a thought. You are over 18, aren't you?
- Yes
- Whatever
- You're not my real dad
26. Do you ever find yourself, in your darkest and loneliest moments, thinking about being ravaged from behind by Prince Harry in his Nazi costume?
- Yes
- Sometimes
27. Are you aware that the ethical treatment of human participants in social research is the sort of thing that is covered at A-level?
- Yeah, in sociology and psychology, but those aren't ~*real*~ sciences
- I don't understand the question
28. Have you ever heard of any of the following concepts? Tick all that apply.
- Positivism
- Antipositivism
- Symbolic interactionism
- Critical theory
- Functionalism
- Hermeneutics
- Critical ethnography
- Structuralism
- Social constructionism
- Sampling errors
- Phenomenology
- Ethnocentrism
- Hegemony
- Subjectivity and objectivity
- Operationalisation of concepts
- In fact, any of social theory and research from the last 200 years or so
29. Do any of the following ring any bells? Tick all that apply.
- Deception
- Confidentiality
- Anonymity
- Informed consent
- Right to withdraw
- Undue stress
- Coercion
- Voluntary participation
- Risk of harm
- The existence of ethical review boards
30. Do you party while planning experiments?
- Sure, man
- What? Oh, do I get high? Oh, uh...
- Only if I can get the chemicals from the lab for free
- I confirm that I have used illegal drugs. I understand that my data will be used by the researchers for analysis and any other relevant purposes
31. Have you ever considered using your scientific discoveries to kill someone?
- Not recently
- No more than anyone else does
- Only Hitler as a baby, which is allowed
- I told you, I wasn't even at work that day. I've been over this with the police already and they said themselves that I had done nothing wrong
32. What do you think happens after we die?
- Yes
- No
ETA: You guys, YOU GUYS, I can't keep up with all your lovely comments! And I have to go and be somewhere else. BOO. Will catch up tomorrow. THANK YOU.
Based on the recent SurveyFail, I have decided to do some research of my own.
Therefore, I'm conducting a survey on pisspoor excuses for scientists. If you're a pisspoor excuse for a scientist, please answer my survey!
The survey was designed using anecdata collected from a couple of guys I met in the pub. Please note that pisspoor excuses for scientists aren't actually the focus of my research, just the source of the data. Whatever that means. The collected data will be analysed using a combination of counting on fingers, asspulls, wrongly-applied scientific terminology and guesswork.
IT IS VERY IMPORTANT THAT ONLY PISSPOOR EXCUSES FOR SCIENTISTS ANSWER THIS SURVEY. If you are the kind of scientist (or social scientist) who actually has a fucking clue what they're doing, please do not take the survey.
1. What is your ethnicity?
- White
- Black
- Brown
- Other
2. What is your sex?
- Man
- Lady
3. In which country do you reside?
- USA!
- Canada
- England
- Some other place
4. Who is your favourite scientist?
5. If you could be any scientist, which one would you want to be?
6. When did you last wank while thinking about how awesome it would be if you were them?
- About five minutes ago
- Last week
- I'm a girl and as such don't wank
7. What's your favourite sexual position?
8. You put it where?
9. When was the last time you stayed up all night mapping MRI scans?
- About five minutes ago
- Last week
- Have never done it
10. Your research is on the brain, you say. Well, if you're so clever, what am I thinking about right now?
11. Why haven't you found a cure for cancer yet?
12. Have you ever been the victim of stalking and enjoyed the attention?
- Yes
- No
13. How do you ensure your scientific research is accurate, valid, and reliable?
- I ask real scientists for advice
- I read books and comics about science
- I wear a white coat and lab goggles
- I appear on science-themed quiz shows and surreptitiously take notes
- I've got an actual degree/equivalent training [note that this answer was added in to the survey after the survey had been live for several days]
14. Which of the following affects whether you carry out research on a particular topic?
- Seeing something awesome on reality TV and thinking it would make a cool experiment
- Pre-existing book deals
- The possibility of a hot research assistant
- Pure thirst for knowledge and understanding [note that this answer was added in to the survey after the survey had been live for several days]
15. Do you watch Star Trek? (If you haven't heard of it, Star Trek is a popular science programme.)
- Yes
- No
16. What kinds of research do you carry out?
- The sort with microscopes
- The sort with beakers of chemicals with smoke coming out of them
- The sort where someone lies on a couch and talks about their mother
- Other
17. Which of the following science journals do you read regularly?
- Behavioral Brain Research
- European Journal of Pharmacology
- Journal of Comparative Neurology
- My Pretty Little Hippocampus
- Trends in Cell Biology
- Occipital Babes
- Journal of Neuroscience Methods
- Brain and Development
- Anal Amy and her Awesome Amygdala
18. Do you ever crack one out in the lab when everyone else has gone home?
- Yes
- No
19. If your partner in real life had a really, really hot lab partner, would you be jealous?
- Yes
- I'd be turned on
- Depends on how big her tits were
20. If you had to choose one of the following, which do you like most about doing scientific research?
- I don't do scientific research
- The development of chemical bonds
- The thrill of SCIENCE!
- Wearing a white coat and goggles
- Enhancement of my tiny, tiny dick
- Identifying with my favourite scientist
- Giggling over phrases like "Large Hard-on Collider"
- Book deals
21. Have you ever written a paper or other academic work that was based entirely on your own pre-existing biases and in which the data was made to fit the theory and not the other way around?
- Yes
- ... There's another way?
22. Which of these best describes your childhood?
- I was the epitome of the stereotypical only child
- I wasn't breastfed and I'm still bitter
- I used to like playing with dolls and wearing pink, but then when I was four or five years old my father beat it out of me and after that I only played with trucks
- I was potty-trained too early and have longstanding issues as a result
- It was idyllic, and the adult world has been nothing but a disappointment to me
23. Were you one of those sad kids that had a chemistry set and collected "I LOVE INSECTS" magazine in weekly instalments, and the first instalment was only £1.99 (normal price £3.99) and came with a free ring binder? And collected Star Wars stickers while all the other boys were trading football cards?
- Yes
24. How often do you cry during masturbation?
- Every day
- Once a week
- I don't cry but I do feel guilty
- Have never cried at anything
25. Oh shit, just had a thought. You are over 18, aren't you?
- Yes
- Whatever
- You're not my real dad
26. Do you ever find yourself, in your darkest and loneliest moments, thinking about being ravaged from behind by Prince Harry in his Nazi costume?
- Yes
- Sometimes
27. Are you aware that the ethical treatment of human participants in social research is the sort of thing that is covered at A-level?
- Yeah, in sociology and psychology, but those aren't ~*real*~ sciences
- I don't understand the question
28. Have you ever heard of any of the following concepts? Tick all that apply.
- Positivism
- Antipositivism
- Symbolic interactionism
- Critical theory
- Functionalism
- Hermeneutics
- Critical ethnography
- Structuralism
- Social constructionism
- Sampling errors
- Phenomenology
- Ethnocentrism
- Hegemony
- Subjectivity and objectivity
- Operationalisation of concepts
- In fact, any of social theory and research from the last 200 years or so
29. Do any of the following ring any bells? Tick all that apply.
- Deception
- Confidentiality
- Anonymity
- Informed consent
- Right to withdraw
- Undue stress
- Coercion
- Voluntary participation
- Risk of harm
- The existence of ethical review boards
30. Do you party while planning experiments?
- Sure, man
- What? Oh, do I get high? Oh, uh...
- Only if I can get the chemicals from the lab for free
- I confirm that I have used illegal drugs. I understand that my data will be used by the researchers for analysis and any other relevant purposes
31. Have you ever considered using your scientific discoveries to kill someone?
- Not recently
- No more than anyone else does
- Only Hitler as a baby, which is allowed
- I told you, I wasn't even at work that day. I've been over this with the police already and they said themselves that I had done nothing wrong
32. What do you think happens after we die?
- Yes
- No
ETA: You guys, YOU GUYS, I can't keep up with all your lovely comments! And I have to go and be somewhere else. BOO. Will catch up tomorrow. THANK YOU.