Self Sabotage?
I'm pretty deep in the pit of bleh and non-productivity that I've been skirting around for the last couple of months.
It's so easy for me to subsume myself in fic land instead of studying and working on my applications and I know while I'm doing it that it will ultimately make me feel guilty and bad. Yet somehow I have a really hard time stopping myself a lot of the time. I DO want to go to graduate school, right? Then why on earth do I keep doing this (nothing) on my days off?
Is this a sickness? Is it depression? Because if so, it's unlike any other depression I've ever experienced - it's just a sheer lack of mobility/drive to do unpleasant things that will ultimately benefit me. Am I trying to sabotage myself and my dreams?
Granted I was *extremely* tired and overwhelmed after working the insanity that was rush week. And yesterday my sweetheart came back from his business trip so it was excusable to spend the day in bed with lovin', television, reading, napping and ordered in pizza. But I have no excuse for today.
I did pay bills, wash dishes, send out a few (app related) emails and study for about 2 hours but that all didn't start until like 7 PM. It took me until 6:30 to take a friggin' shower!
I wish I had been writing fic during all that time. Because somehow getting *anything* accomplished, even fan related stuff, can get the motor revving to do other things. I know that I tend to give myself a really hard time about, well, everything so the situation is probably not as dire as I make it out to be. However, the feeling bleh result is the same.
I'm worried about myself. And I apologize for the angsty babble.
It's so easy for me to subsume myself in fic land instead of studying and working on my applications and I know while I'm doing it that it will ultimately make me feel guilty and bad. Yet somehow I have a really hard time stopping myself a lot of the time. I DO want to go to graduate school, right? Then why on earth do I keep doing this (nothing) on my days off?
Is this a sickness? Is it depression? Because if so, it's unlike any other depression I've ever experienced - it's just a sheer lack of mobility/drive to do unpleasant things that will ultimately benefit me. Am I trying to sabotage myself and my dreams?
Granted I was *extremely* tired and overwhelmed after working the insanity that was rush week. And yesterday my sweetheart came back from his business trip so it was excusable to spend the day in bed with lovin', television, reading, napping and ordered in pizza. But I have no excuse for today.
I did pay bills, wash dishes, send out a few (app related) emails and study for about 2 hours but that all didn't start until like 7 PM. It took me until 6:30 to take a friggin' shower!
I wish I had been writing fic during all that time. Because somehow getting *anything* accomplished, even fan related stuff, can get the motor revving to do other things. I know that I tend to give myself a really hard time about, well, everything so the situation is probably not as dire as I make it out to be. However, the feeling bleh result is the same.
I'm worried about myself. And I apologize for the angsty babble.