stop the train, I want to get off...
I'm starting this thing again for two reasons.
1) I need a place to vent that not everyone sees, mainly my boyfriend
2) Myspce is so trendy and cliche and I'm sick of it, but I'm too lazy to get rid of it, because that would require too much work transferring all the blogs
Its been a year and a half since I've written in this and everything has changed, yet I am the same. I am the same girl who needs control, I am the same girl who preaches independance, yet finds herself in a deeply codependent relationship. I am the same sarcastic, jaded, passive agressive girl I have always been. And I'm emo so I like to whine about it.
School is almost done... ALMOST. I can see it, yet it seems so blurry and undefined. Who the hell is going to hire me? Despite four years of school, I feel so underqulified and unprepared. Sure I know I can find a job, I've had enough job experience and I'm a hard worker, but I don't want just ANY job, I want THE job- the job I've been dragging my ass through school to obtain.
I just want to find something that's going to make me happy and feel prodcutive. And I'm starting to think that could be being a retail manager.
When it all comes down to it, we all just want to be happy. We want to be loved. I am loved. My boyfriend is amazing... and confusing. Or maybe Im just confused about everything and I'm rolling him into it. We're getting our own apartment in July, and this scares the shit out of me. He's my bestfriend and my lover and I don't see why it would not work. But the irrational part of me still says, "this is too good to last. What if you get a place with him and something goes wrong. You won't have space to work it out then. It will be a big ugly mess." And it says, "this is a big step- you are only 21, are you ready to settle down yet? Are you ready for the apartment in the burbs with the dog and the in unit washer and dryer? Are you ready to give up your plans of being a career driven single and fabulous, dark jaded and balls to the wall woman?"
I know that it isn't one or the other, but part of me thought that I had all my options open. After school I was free to move wherever the job market blew me- NY, Sanfrancisco, Austin, Seattle... but now I'm staying in Chicago. Chicago is a great city, but I'm always restless and I wouldn't mind seeing other places. But I love Dave and I know I'm not getting the short end of the stick by compromising to stay with him. But with the uncertainty of everything else, the limitation of where I'll be living seems a little disapointing.
Although if I left, what would I be going to. I'd be a lone and without him and sure I'd be proving to myself that I'm still open and independant, I'd be lonely and regret giving up love.
Tomorrow is thanksgiving. I'm going to be joining Dave's family- I was happy to be invited, but now I'm wishing I could stay home and brood by myself. I don't want to be the outsider to the big happy family. I know they don't think of me like that, but that's how I feel.
What am I thankfull for? Confusion? Stress? Indecision? Finding out I had gum disease and paying the dentist all of my birthday money to gouge into my gums for an hour... and then have to go back next week so she can do the other side? I'll be thankfull to not have to hear my crazy downstairs neighbor playing Sheryl Crow for a few days.
1) I need a place to vent that not everyone sees, mainly my boyfriend
2) Myspce is so trendy and cliche and I'm sick of it, but I'm too lazy to get rid of it, because that would require too much work transferring all the blogs
Its been a year and a half since I've written in this and everything has changed, yet I am the same. I am the same girl who needs control, I am the same girl who preaches independance, yet finds herself in a deeply codependent relationship. I am the same sarcastic, jaded, passive agressive girl I have always been. And I'm emo so I like to whine about it.
School is almost done... ALMOST. I can see it, yet it seems so blurry and undefined. Who the hell is going to hire me? Despite four years of school, I feel so underqulified and unprepared. Sure I know I can find a job, I've had enough job experience and I'm a hard worker, but I don't want just ANY job, I want THE job- the job I've been dragging my ass through school to obtain.
I just want to find something that's going to make me happy and feel prodcutive. And I'm starting to think that could be being a retail manager.
When it all comes down to it, we all just want to be happy. We want to be loved. I am loved. My boyfriend is amazing... and confusing. Or maybe Im just confused about everything and I'm rolling him into it. We're getting our own apartment in July, and this scares the shit out of me. He's my bestfriend and my lover and I don't see why it would not work. But the irrational part of me still says, "this is too good to last. What if you get a place with him and something goes wrong. You won't have space to work it out then. It will be a big ugly mess." And it says, "this is a big step- you are only 21, are you ready to settle down yet? Are you ready for the apartment in the burbs with the dog and the in unit washer and dryer? Are you ready to give up your plans of being a career driven single and fabulous, dark jaded and balls to the wall woman?"
I know that it isn't one or the other, but part of me thought that I had all my options open. After school I was free to move wherever the job market blew me- NY, Sanfrancisco, Austin, Seattle... but now I'm staying in Chicago. Chicago is a great city, but I'm always restless and I wouldn't mind seeing other places. But I love Dave and I know I'm not getting the short end of the stick by compromising to stay with him. But with the uncertainty of everything else, the limitation of where I'll be living seems a little disapointing.
Although if I left, what would I be going to. I'd be a lone and without him and sure I'd be proving to myself that I'm still open and independant, I'd be lonely and regret giving up love.
Tomorrow is thanksgiving. I'm going to be joining Dave's family- I was happy to be invited, but now I'm wishing I could stay home and brood by myself. I don't want to be the outsider to the big happy family. I know they don't think of me like that, but that's how I feel.
What am I thankfull for? Confusion? Stress? Indecision? Finding out I had gum disease and paying the dentist all of my birthday money to gouge into my gums for an hour... and then have to go back next week so she can do the other side? I'll be thankfull to not have to hear my crazy downstairs neighbor playing Sheryl Crow for a few days.