*ranting* improvements.....
It's amazing how just a few small changes have relieved SO MUCH tension for me.....
Things are far from ideal, but it's better.
As of last night, the decision (by someone other than me) has been made. Little One and Older One are going to be moved to the upstairs (bigger) bedroom; Permanent One and Visiting One are going to be moved to the downstairs (smaller) bedroom. The only thing that won't be switched out between the rooms is the bunk bed frames. Older One is looking forward to having her homework desk back into *her* room rather than in a corner in the basement. Little One is looking forward to being able to have her toys and stuffed critters into *her* room rather than in the livingroom. Permanent One is looking forward to being closer to the fridge and freezer during the night without having to go up/down steps. Visiting One is (sort of) keen that she has *her* room *back* (as in the room she stayed in before her parents split up) for the 4 days a month that she's here with us.
I felt bad about it, but I didn't go to Permanent One's appointment at NP yesterday. It was supposed to be an appt with Permanent One, her mother, her father, and me for a behavioral assessment. I ended up staying at the house because of being sick... this is the FIRST appt of hers that I've not gone to since her dad and I first started seeing each other. Lying in bed feeling physically ill along with guilty for *not being there* for Permanent One. Turned out to be a good thing? It forced Permanent One's mother and father to deal with each other and Permanent One directly- as in not through me. They also sort of got into it in front of the therapist about parenting time issues that they have with each other; about one not respecting the schedule and routines of the Permanent One; it called out and brought to light that I'm busting my tail to get Permanent One to be able to spend as much time with her mother instead of "trying to keep her away" from her daughter; that- no matter what- Permanent One's mother is *NOT* "coming back" even if her dad and I go our different ways, so Permanent One might as well start being nice to me and start getting used to the idea of the mom being gone- (as in, Permanent One's dad told her- in front of the therapist and his ex-wife- that EVEN IF her mom wants to come back AND he and I split up, he is NOT going to get together with her again......... Did I mention that Permanent One was told by *an unknown someone* that if her dad and i split up and i move out her mom and sister will come back, and that if she's mean enough to me and my Kids that I'll leave? The therapist was less than keen about hearing this from Permanent One, and had a bit to say: told dad and mom to quit having me play messenger between each other and be bearer-of-bad-tidings to Permanent One, and told mom enough of her and Visiting One's head games. Will have a write-up on the behavior plan when NP finishes it.
WOW!!!!! All these things and more that they've been having me say to each other and having me say to Permanent One, they *FINALLY* said to her directly and to each other!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Kudos to me, by the way...
Permanent One's mom was asked if she was going to pick her up on her way through to get to the bus stop. We were told that she didn't know, and she'd call later with an answer. Well, she did call. Six hours later at 10:00 at night to say that she wasn't going to stop to get Permanent One. (For clarification: we live 2 blocks off the highway... Visiting One gets driven out to the bus stop (by Upper Pine Creek Road) every day by their mom, and their mom would have to come all of 2 *Norway blocks* to pick up Permanent One to drive her out there, too.) Permanent One was already asleep for the night, so her dad didn't tell her that her mom wouldn't be here to get her. Wake her up from a sound sleep to tell her that her mom won't be there for her in the morning- as her mom suggested? I don't think so. Her dad leaves at 4:30 every morning, so letting her know then was out of the question, too. Once again, me get to tell Permanent One that her mom isn't going to come and get her- I can't BEGIN to explain how SICK and TIRED I am of THAT set up!!! In a child's eyes, it's always shoot the messenger in that sort of situation- and I've taken the brunt of it all along. (Not including the times ( ?games? ) that have been shot out there that mom *wanted* to come get Permanent One but "step-mom emmy said no" (i NEVER did that!!! but who is Permanent One going to believe- her mom and/or sister, or her step-mom?) I've had more than my fair share of all of that fun and joy, Thank You Very Little!!!!! As Permanent One was getting ready for school and I was dreading having to tell her, my brain had a storm: I called Permanent One's mom to talk about *ahem* dental appointments. While I had her on the mom on the phone, Permanent One asked to talk to her and wanted to know if she was being picked up. The Mom said, "I already said no last night." Um... by the time you called she was in bed and asleep, her Dad leaves for work a few hours before she wakes up, and things like this need to come from you or her dad so here she is. I handed Permanent One the phone and walked out of the room. FOR ONCE, I WAS NOT THE MESSENGER! The change in how these mornings usually go was INCREDIBLE!!! Rather than getting the snot pounded out of me by an angry, frustrated, hurt, disappointed, etc. 9 year old, she TALKED TO ME about how she was feeling about the situation!!!!
I'm not foolish enough to believe that one time will do the trick all the way around... but it's a start. What's helped me is something I read not all that long ago. I started an account on a web site for meeting people shortly after moving back to the U.P. Like this site, I'd forgotten about it until I stumbled across it while trying to recover files from a puter-stroke. In the self description part of it I'd written something about myself that I'd forgotten about... something about me that I worked hard to get and let myself forget somewhere along the way:
"I have and know my limits."
I'm keeping that in mind for this summer. With Luck, Permanent One will be going to Bay Cliff for 7 weeks this summer. She was supposed to go last year, but was refused because her behaviors were out of control. I've already told her dad that I can't do a repeat of last summer and that, if she doesn't get into the camp, he needs to have a sitter set up for her. I called the school this morning to find out if there was any news about whether she'd be accepted or not this year. I was told that the school is going to call and make a reccomendation that she be able to attend, and that they wetre going to do a "full disclosure" about how she's been this school year. The powers that be were aware of why she was turned down last year, said that there's been HUGE gains and progress with her since then, and that they see no reason why she shouldn't be able to attend this summer. *crossing fingers but not holding breath* A selfish part of me wants her out for a bit to get her out of my hair/for a break for a while... and a chance to do damage control with the other 3 HeadHunters and all the critters. That aside, though, Bay Cliff would be an EXCELLENT program for her!!! Even just the therapy aspect of it would do her wonders- as in people working with her who actually know what they're doing and how to do it!!! The chance to learn/gain independence, self- skills, meet people, have a TON of structure and activities and a regular routine..... I'm hoping it goes through for her, but I'm hoping it goes through for the rest of us too. Does that make me a bad person? I don't know.